I'm not gonna lie. This is a bit scary.

This story was originally written as an assignment for Swedish class a few years back and the task was to write your own (short) fairytale. Reading it over a little while ago I saw the potential for it to be reworked into something HP-related. So I Potterified (is that a word people have actually come to use, or am I like totally bad-ass for making it up myself? I'd like to think it's the latter) it by changing the names on people, places etc. and here we are.

Which is good. Because I should really wrap this up here before the author's note becomes longer than the actual story. Which would be bad.

Oh, and yeah, this story is really, really silly. Also, I apologize if some of the things that made perfect sense in the original story literally got lost in translation.

Disclaimers. All the cool kids are doing them. And I, too, want to be cool. Therefore: Harry Potter and friends are the sons and daughters of J. K. Rowling. I'm simply having them over for a tea party (which makes no sense since I don't even like tea...).

Once upon a time there was a poor girl named Hermione who lived alone in a tiny shack on the outskirts of a small village. What made her special was her possession of magical powers. However, the other villagers believed these powers to be a something foul and vicious, not to be associated with, and thus called her a witch.

The little village belonged to a kingdom called Slytherin, ruled by a powerful king who only had one child, a son. Therefore, the king deemed it crucial that the son married a girl who was utmost perfect.

The son, however, seldom agreed with his father – or his mother for that matter, seeing as those two were like two peas in a pod and always on the same side in all matters. Except for when it came to bagpipe music; queen Narcissa could not stand it when king Lucius played his bagpipe! Which he did every day at exactly four o'clock sharp. Whoever invented earplugs was worth their weight in gold.

One day when the prince was out walking amongst the people, he crossed paths with Hermione for the first time and the two instantaneously took a liking to each other. The king and queen were not pleased. But their sense of pleasure hit the roof when they had searched far and wide and in a nearby kingdom found a beautiful princess, who also she had a weak spot for the young prince Draco. The Slytherin head of state and his wife immediately called for their son to tell him the good news. He was not happy.

"What is the meaning of all this?" he bellowed furiously. "I am going to marry Hermione and nothing you say can change that!" Then he stormed out of the castle.

Princess Astoria was enraged when these news reached her and she started to scheme plans on how to get the prince. No way was she going to let that crone win! And so the following morning she headed over to the tiny shack dressed up as the editor-in-chief of The Daily Prophet, a most peculiar newspaper she had found out Hermione read, and knocked on the door.

"Can I help you?" asked Hermione.

"I seriously doubt it, but I think I can help you. Congrats girlfriend, you've just won one million galleons in the Daily Prophet Grand Prize Galleon Draw! All you have to do is break it off with Prince Cutie-pants. Sounds like a pretty sweet deal to me!" Astoria fired off a sleazy smile.

"No thank you, I'd rather have the prince. I'm sorry you had to go through all of this trouble for nothing. Goodbye." And with that, Hermione slammed the door right in Astorias's face.

Highly determined to succeed with her mission, the princess moved on to plan B. Which later became plan C, D and E. She actually made her way through the entire alphabet without coming anywhere even near close to succeeding.

Darn lovebirds! she thought surly where she sat by herself in her tower, trying to come up with one last brilliant plan. Alas, it was all in vain. She had no other choice but to… beg! She went to seek out the prince.

"Pretty, pretty please with sprinkles on top Draco, ditch the witch and take me instead! I'm so much better than her and you know it!"

"Oh, please! Do you have any idea just how pathetic you look right now?" Draco could barely keep the laughter at bay. "No honey, I think you are going to have to find another Prince Charming to terrorize."

Princess Astoria, along with the king and queen, now had to realize it was over. Draco's heart belonged to Hermione.

Thus Astoria gave up and took off on an around the world-trip where she fell madly in love with a Saudi Arabian sheik, whom she eventually married.

The king and queen, however, had one last trump card up their sleeves which they played and disinherited their son because of his stubbornness. He didn't mind terribly though, because not much later he and Hermione hit the jackpot with a lottery ticket in the Magic Lottery and won 25 000 galleons a month for the next twenty-five years.

They married and moved to a large manor called Malfoy, on the countryside in the county of Wiltshire, where all of their nineteen planned children could grow up peacefully. And so they lived happily ever after!