A/N: I've been in my feelings about life, so what better way to deal with it, than to write it out? Hope you enjoy!
I DO NOT OWN THE VAMPIRE DIARIES OR THE CHARACTERS.
Song Suggestion/Music Credit: "breathin'" – Ariana Grande
My chest felt tight and my heart was pounding so loudly, that it's all I could hear. Everything just felt like too much. Tears fell down my face, as I pulled off my clothes and turned on the hot water in the shower. I adjusted it, before stepping inside. I closed the curtain and sank to my knees. My body shook with sobs as my pain came pouring out with my tears. Everything hurt so much. It was crushing and overwhelming and it felt like it was dragging me under.
I knew that I had to be stronger than this. I knew that my pain wasn't forever, but right now, I couldn't see the way out of it. I wished it away. I wished that I could handle more and that my burdens weren't as heavy. I wished for a harder heart that wasn't so easily broken. I wished to be a priority for someone for once in my life, and not constantly just the afterthought. I wished that I was more than just someone who was just trying to survive.
The hot water was helping me stay tethered to reality. It was helping me not feel numb. Slowly, my tears were subsiding and the pain didn't feel so razor sharp. It was still constant, but it was dwindling. My breath slowed and I felt like I could finally begin to breathe. I took deep, greedy mouthfuls of air. It felt hot and welcomed.
A new wave of grief passed over me and I hiccuped as fresh tears began to fall. I missed my Grams so much. She was the only person to ever treat me like I was worthy of unconditional love. My father was supposed to be back in town for her birthday today, but he sent me a last minute text explaining that he wouldn't make it. No reason given, just that he wasn't coming. My own father treats me like a leaper that he would rather just avoid. It's no wonder that the majority of my friends do the same.
I jumped as I heard my phone ringing, but made no move to leave the shower and check it. It could wait. I don't have the emotional capacity to talk to anyone right now.
I remembered all of the good times I had with my Grams. I remember her teaching me how to cook and raising me. I remember the first time we did magic together. I remember her reminding me constantly of my worth and to never accept anything less. Looking back at those memories, I often wonder if she knew that she would be taken too soon. Did she somehow know that I would need those moments with her to cling to, later on in life? Did she know that she and my memories of her were my life line?
Would she be proud of me, if she saw the woman I have become? Would she push me to be stronger? Would she stand for my father abandoning me, after the only mother surrogate I ever knew died? Would be disappointed that now, I can't even keep it together some days?
On a normal day, I'm fine. When Halloween hits, followed by her birthday, and the other holidays, I'm not okay. I'm far from okay. I can't even keep it together. I find any excuse to not leave the house. I don't want anyone to see me this way or to have to lie about my reasons for losing my mind every year.
"Bonnie?" A soft voice called from outside of my shower. I jumped and ran my hands over my face, trying to pull myself together. "You didn't answer your phone, but I saw your car here. I had a feeling your dad would cancel and I wanted to make sure that you were okay." Kai explained. I let out a sigh of relief. I was thankful that it was Kai and no one else.
I'm not sure when our friendship started. He left town, after he merged with Luke. So did I. I only came back, after everyone else, save for Matt and Caroline left. He was a different person. He was older and wiser. For whatever reason, we were drawn to each other. He was still the same boy that I met, while I was trapped with Damon, but so different. I'm not sure if Luke's conscience somehow evened out his homicidal tendencies, but he was great now. He's probably my closest friend.
"I just need a few minutes and I'll be out." I told him. My voice cracked and gave me away. I was hurting and I couldn't hide it. I don't think that Kai would expect me to.
"Bon, just come out. It's me here. I'm not gonna judge you for falling apart. Let me be there for you." Kai pressed. I took a breath and tried to compose myself, while I processed his words.
"I'm not ready yet." I whispered. The thought of dragging myself out of the tub just seemed impossible.
"Would you rather I come in there?" He offered. I bit my lip and nodded, even though I knew that he couldn't see me.
"Yes," I breathed. I wrapped my arms around myself, so I was somewhat covered. I didn't really have any issue with Kai seeing me naked. We were so close already. I trust him.
The shower curtain was pulled back and Kai stepped into the shower. He helped pull me to my feet, before closing the curtain. He wrapped his arms around me, before sitting down and pulling me onto his lap. I maneuvered myself, so I was facing him. I tucked my head in the crook of his neck, as he wrapped his arms back around me. I already felt a little better. He rubbed my back and we just sat. Slow tears trickled down my face and I didn't try to keep it together, this time.
"I'm here, Bonnie. I'm not going anywhere." He promised. I nodded against him. "You don't have to go through this alone. I'm sorry if we made you feel like you have to go through everything alone." He apologized.
"You didn't." I hiccuped. "It's everyone else. My dad not coming back was hard. Having her gone is hard. I miss her so much. How has it been 8 years, since she died? Thank you for being here. You don't have to. I'll be okay. Today is just always hard." I admitted, softly. He leaned back enough to look at me. I placed his hand under my chin, forcing me to look up at him.
"I'm here, because I want to be. I know that you'd do the same for me. You're the most important person in my life. I can't stand seeing you hurting, when I can do something to do about it. I love you. You know that I do. I'm not just going to be in your life, when it's easy. That's not what a friend is supposed to do." He lamented. He's so much more than a friend, though. We coexist so well. Half of the time, he stays here with me, because he's just always around. Most of the other times, I'm at his place with him. We're strangely domesticated.
"I love you, more than I like to admit to myself. You're the first person to stick around, when things haven't been easy. I can never explain to you how much that means to me – how much you mean to me." I told him, forcing myself to look him in the eyes, while I confessed some of my deepest feelings.
"I'm never going anywhere, so I hope you like having me around. I'm in this for the long haul, Bonster." He teased. I gave him a wry smile, before wiping the tears from my cheeks.
"Good. I like you being here. Don't leave." I said. He smiled back.
"If you ever wanted more than what we have here, all you have to do is tell me, Bon. If you never want our friendship – our dynamic – to change, that's okay, too." He mused. My eyebrows rose, as I realized what he was saying.
"Kai…" my voice trailed off. I didn't know what to say to that.
"You mean the world to me. I love you. I'll be whatever you need, as long as I don't lose you." He admitted.
"You want to be more?" I asked, instead.
"I'll always want more with you. How could I not? You're the whole package, Bonnie. You're kind and selfless. Despite that, you're tough and deadly, when you need to be. You're powerful and you keep loving people, even after they prove over and over again that they don't deserve it. I've always been in awe of you. If you tell me that you just want our friendship, then that's what we'll have. Nothing has to change. You will still be the woman that amazes me every day and I'll love you just as much." His confession shook me to my core. My heart swelled inside of my chest and I felt a wave of emotions that I couldn't suppress.
"Of course, I want more with you. I can't imagine my life without you. I couldn't have gotten through this last year without you. You always remind me how tough I am and that I can handle anything. You don't take me for granted, like everyone else. I don't think that I could ever stop loving you, Kai." I told him. His expression changed and he held me closer to him.
"I'm going to kiss you. Is that okay?" He asked me. I nodded and his lips were on mine. I became painfully reminded of our intimate position in the shower. Too soon, it was over. "I don't want to take advantage of you, while you're in such a painful head-space. I want you, make no mistake, but I want to do this right. Keep breathing, Bon. I'm here. You have me. Most importantly, you have you. I'm not going anywhere. I don't want to rush into anything physical, not like this. We have time."
"How did I get so lucky? How are you so perfect for me?" I leaned my head back on his shoulder and he rubbed my back. I closed my eyes and listened to his heartbeat. Just keep breathing. That's all I can do sometimes. When it feels like the world is suffocating me, just keep breathing, until things get better.