I did a quick check around the apartment, it's a little silly that I have to constantly do this, but with friends like mine you can never be too sure. Everything's clear. Taking a deep breath I lock the front door, shut my window, and pull all the curtains closed. I would hate it if anyone saw me doing this, it's such a stupid thing to do. Confident that I am entirely alone, I slowly strip down to my underwear. A white sports bra and panties are all that cover my body, and I flinch at what I see in the mirror.
My hair is down, my face decent with light make-up, but my body is a mess. Starting at the tops of my shoulders are scars, and lots of them. If I could keep my clothes in a battle then it probably wouldn't get them so bad, but red welts glare at me courtesy of that stupid octopus man in Edolas, one of my most recent adventures. Starting at the top I trace each one on my body with the tips of my fingers. Turning my back, I also saw two long scars faded to a light pink from the time I swam through dark caves to make it to the Tower of Heaven. I traced them too, then the scars from the fight with Gemini and it used that weird gun/sword thing.
By the time I got to my chest I was crying. Some of the scars still hurt, but that wasn't why I was crying. I remember being 15 and my maids constantly complimenting me on my skin, how soft and smooth it was. The couple of times my dad had let me go to the beach with potential future husbands and they had all clamored to be the ones to put sunscreen on my back. Now that perfect expanse of skin was marred forever and it would take money to get someone to look at my skin, much less touch it. I don't regret joining Fairy Tail, which is why this is so stupid, but I just can't help mourning the loss of my beauty. It took all my will to keep standing and not collapse when I got to my stomach. I started naming the scars out loud.
"Bixlow's babies," was a wide burn mark, "Gajeel," was several small ones and a poorly healed broken rib that made my body lope-sided, even if my waist was smaller than humanly possible from it. "F-falling from Phantom," was the debris Natsu and I crashed into after he caught me, "Ze-r-ro", was a large diagonal gash from just below the bra down to my belly-button, and I couldn't do it anymore. I sunk down to a crouch and covered my body the best I could from the mirror, placing my back against my bed. No one should have to see such ugly, disgusting marks. My face went into my knees and I stayed there, sobbing for letting myself become so ugly. I don't regret what I did to get me those scars, but it still hurt. My hands tried to wipe away my tears, but that only reminded me that they were the worst.
Rose petals used to be jealous of my hands, now they would laugh. Having to use my whip so much left my right hand calloused with plenty of small white marks cross hatching every which way, but the death grip I often had on my keys made my left hand nearly as ugly. All along my hands and upper wrists were encircling marks, recording every kidnapping and hostage situation I ever found myself in. So, instead of continuing to watch every moment I ever felt powerless play through my mind, I tucked my hands away into my calves and went back to my sobbing, tears running unchecked.
"Lucy?" I thought I heard, but I really didn't care. My perfect body was ruined and it would be a miracle if anyone would want to see me ever again. No wonder I couldn't get a boyfriend, and who the hell would want me in the future? I identified the heat source now sitting next to me as Natsu and some wing flapping put Happy somewhere in the air. Great, he was the last person I wanted to see me like this. I know I have wonderful friends that love me, I know it, but a thousand comments on how lucky I was to be so pretty from a thousand different people were crushing me right now and I couldn't help but cry. Natsu has been in fairy tail since he was ten, he couldn't possibly understand.
"Lucy, please tell me what's wrong." His voice was really concerned, but that only made me cry more. I had a great life, so why was I so bothered by the scars that came with them? Was I that vain that I just couldn't be grateful and move on? Then my callused hands brushed against my calf where I had trapped them and I knew I wouldn't be able to stop. I was weak and pathetic, the scars were proof of that, and now I wasn't even pretty.
"G-go away," I got out between sobs, "why are you here. Just leave me alone." Still hadn't looked away from my knees.
"Lucy, are you hurt?" Happy's voice was near tears as well, so I shook my head no, but kept crying.
"I-I don't want anyone to see *hic* me." I squeezed my eyes shut tighter, trying to get the tears to stop.
"Happy, go get Erza, don't tell her anything except that Lucy asked for her. No one else should know that something's wrong okay."
"Aye," the little blue cat said before winging his way out the window.
"Please leave, you wouldn't understand." I begged one more time, knowing it wouldn't work.
"Not until you tell me why you're crying on the ground in your underwear. If you don't want to talk to me, then wait for Erza." Nastu replied stubbornly, and I finally raised my head to look at him. There was an unusual tenderness in his eyes as he reached one arm across my shoulders and used other hand to wipe some of the tears off my face. That simple act broke my will to fight against him and I took a shallow breath (it was supposed to be deep but my chest was too tight) and replied in barely a whisper.
"I used to be so pretty," and I uncurled my body to show Natsu. I heard a sharp intake of breath above me and I couldn't look at him, eyes glued to scar filled canvas of my body. I put a finger to trace a weird curved one I got from fighting Sherry, the marionette wizard. My voice was near lifeless, the only way I could keep stringing sentences together.
"It's so stupid, but I used to be the most beautiful heiress in Fiore, Lucky Lucy Heartfilia. Our servants would all brag to their friends about how beautiful I was and how I would have suitors lining up. When I was fifteen I did. Now any guy would take one look at me and run for the hills.
"It wouldn't even be so bad if it wasn't for everyone else in Fairy Tail being so flawless. I've seen then all: Erza, Mira, Cana, Levy, even Bisca. None of them have scars like I do. It's probably because I'm the weakest. I've used up three jars of concealer just this month, I don't know how much longer I can keep it up." I abruptly pulled myself into a ball and buried my head again, waiting for Natsu to leave so I could go back to crying. Instead the arm around my clutched me into a tighter hug.
"Shit," he whispered, and I flinched, "Didn't anyone tell you? We all have scars at Fairy Tail, most of us wear concealer charms so that no one can see. We get them practically free from big magic suppliers because it would be bad publicity for them to have ugly wizards walking around." I looked up at him a little shocked and he took the opportunity to pull me into a full on hug, both of us kneeling. My scarred torso pressed against his abs as his arms came around me. More importantly, I could only look at his back instead of at myself. His own calloused hands pressed against my bare back while his head buried itself into my neck.
"One time when I was 12 I managed to get a mark on Erza and threw a fit when it wasn't there the next morning. Gramps took Gray and me and explained all about it. It isn't because you're weak Lucy, you have scars because you are strong." I felt tears fill my eyes as I clutched him back. We stayed like that until a loud knock at my door informed us of Erza's arrival. Natsu released me to go answer the door.
I didn't move from my kneeling position. The guild got free concealer charms? So the photo spreads and pictures of mages having come back from an adventure unscathed, really were just pictures. Maybe… maybe I wasn't as weak as I thought. I traced the one from battling Sherry again when it ached, and flinched when Erza made her presence known.
She knelt next to me and gently pulled until I sitting down next to her. She wiped at my face and I guess there were still tears.
"I'm sorry no one told you Lucy," Erza said quietly. Then she reached towards her own neck and seemed to fiddle with her hair for a bit. A see-through bead about the size of a thumb nail was sitting in her palm, and when I didn't get it she took my hand from it's place limp at my side and gave it to me.
The moment the charm left her hand the change was instantaneous. Smooth hands became rougher than sand paper and the face I had known grew a giant scar directly across her nose and cheek bones, with another pulling the corner of her mouth up in a permanent half grimace. Erza mirrored my own position on the ground, back against the wall and proceeded to re-quip into a sports bra and running shorts. A frown appeared with the wardrobe change.
"Hmmm. This one is new," she whispered slowly, her finger curving around a particularly bright red one across her rib cage, "Must have gotten it from Nightwalker… This one was from my first fight with a javelin and I didn't know how to defend myself, and this one is from my S class exam… this one was the first wyvern I fought when I was 16, oh, and this is the one I'm sure Natsu told you about." Erza pointed to a small line on the inside of her wrist, and I would have laughed at the thought of Natsu being proud of it, if not for the tears. Tears for beautiful, strong Erza letting me see her body as it really was. I could see the same lines from cuffs around her wrist, but much more faded, those must have been from her days in the Tower.
While I was marked, Erza's body was practically destroyed. No wonder it was so hard to hurt her, scar tissue was a lot tougher than normal skin, and it was everywhere. If Erza had lived a normal life, one without magic and towers, then the beautiful face everyone saw everyday would be her true form; instead we had both chosen this life of fighting for the weak and magic at our fingertips. I had read books and heard stories about falling in love with the scarred and scary people like Gajeel who really had a heart of gold, but I had never realized it worked the other way as well. Under all that beauty was a scarred, scared, and broken woman just trying to keep smiling. I cried harder.
"Shhh, don't cry. Each of these scars was a time I fought for myself and for others, they are nothing to be sad about." My mildly scarred skin was now pressing against Erza's extremely scarred skin and Erza just let me cry. I could feel even more marks on her shoulders and back.
I cried for the unfairness of it all. Fifteen-year-old Lucy hadn't saved someone's life, in fact, that girl was nothing better than a puppet whose father pulled the strings. Erza had saved lives and livelihoods, so had I. The two of us had brought down killers and made people whole. Fifteen-year-old me was a weakling, seventeen-year-old me was not. Why did strong, beautiful people, people like Erza, have to have the most scars? Natsu walked in then, bearing a tray of teacups.
"Sorry, I had to wait for the tea to cool down after I over-heated it. It should be drinkable now." Sitting cross-legged in front of us, he handed us each a cup carefully. I tested the tea with my pinky, making sure Natsu's sense of temperature wasn't out of proportion again, and was satisfied enough to take a small sip. We three sat there quietly, and I was surprised I wasn't embarrassed. This was my team, they didn't leave me when Phantom hurt our friends, they didn't shut me out when the past came to haunt them, and they wouldn't leave me for crying, because it was okay to cry over scars. It was okay to mourn the loss of perfect skin, it was okay to feel phantom pains from past injuries and weakest moments, and in that instant I knew that I loved these two with my entire being.
Erza finished her tea first, "I am truly sorry Lucy, it's been a while since we've had a new female recruit, I think Laki was the last one three years ago." Erza put a hand on my shoulder and squeezed in apology, I smiled my forgiveness. "I will head back to the guild and get a blank one we can charm for you right away. Braiding it into your hair will be easiest, but some like to add it to an accessory. Think about where you want it." Erza changed back into her normal armor and left out the window. I didn't even have the energy to remind her of a door's purpose in life.
Crying wore me out, it usually does, but Gray and Levy would get worried if I didn't show up at all today. Still, I leaned back against my bed and closed my eyes, just for a moment. No, life wasn't fair, people got hurt and only the strong were left to live with it. I would never be beautiful again without the aid of magic, but anyone who would pick fifteen-year-old me over who I was now was a moron. There had to be someone out there who would love me, scars and all. Dad's words from the last time I saw him rang though my mind.
I must say I'm glad you came here. I finally got to meet the plain old Lucy you've told me about. I must say she is a much stronger woman than Lucky Lucy Heartphilia could ever hope to be. I'm proud of you.
The world shifted back into place again, and I could finally take that deep breath that evaded me for the past hour. In my closet I found a cute outfit and went to the mirror to try it on. Natsu's eyes followed me, and while I would have normally accused him of being a pervert at this point, I could tell those thoughts were the furthest thing from his mind. He was tracing my scars with his eyes, and I let him. It had never mattered to Natsu whether I was pretty or not, he cared that I was nice, and now he cared that I was hurt. I added a red jacket to my white tee and red skirt and started on my hair. As I finished the last touches to my ribbon it was finally time to face Natsu. I was a little surprised to find him standing right behind me, but smiled nonetheless.
"You are beautiful Lucy," he said, his hand reached up to tuck a piece of hair behind my ear, I must have been blushing like crazy, "It's so obvious, how could you ever doubt it? Even with scars you are beautiful. Now let's get going." I nodded and he dragged me out the door. Happy had been waiting on the roof it seemed like, because as soon as I was outside he flew down and settled on my shoulder where I gave him a nice scratching behind the ears. He purred and I again thanked whatever deities existed for giving me my friends.
A/N: Because fanservice is bullshit and it needed to be said. I have tons of scars from surgery and it hurts to look in a mirror and know that you are marred forever, it isn't vanity and it isn't shallow, and physical scars are never linked to happy memories. This is dedicated to all those that tell themselves they shouldn't cry over something small, but it hurts so much they do it anyways.