So this is straight angst, and I apologize. I blame the first aid class and the week of dealing with child birth. Most nasty video's you'll ever see. But we had this one big section on this topic, and this idea kind of stuck. So...yeah. Decided to twist it for my contest entry. Thanks for reading.
I had never been so happy in my life.
To know that my husband and I had created life, however unexpected.
I smiled widely down at the list held firmly in my right hand, the fingers of my left hand tracing fondly over my flat tummy.
Who would have known that what we had suspected as a stomach virus was actually the discovery of something so miraculous.
Normal women would have returned home to wait for their husbands, or go and find them at their jobs to tell them the news. But I was not any other woman.
My husband often told me so.
The first thing I did was return to my library, immediately pulling every book I could get my hands on about pregnancy, child birth, and any other tags that came to mind when thinking about the topic.
I was, as always, more concerned with knowing what was going on than paying attention to it.
One didn't have to know the mechanics of something, the given and values of a formula to explain its result. But I wanted to know.
I had to know the why and how before I could understand the what. I had always been like that.
It was what made me different from everyone else. What my husband loved the most about me.
After scanning thoroughly through several books on the trimesters, I couldn't help but to develop three list, one for each term.
I also made up a list of things that might happen, feelings to expect, things to plan for. All before I even spoke to my husband.
But he understood when he came in and found me hiding behind a mountain of opened books. And the smart fellow that he was I didn't even have to tell him. I just smiled shyly up at him until he cracked a crooked grin, knocking some of the books over as he bent over to place a chaste kiss on my lips, shortly interrupted by the entrance of my mother.
She had been ecstatic, immediately reliving the days she had been pregnant with me, retelling her stories of a hard labor, and a rewarding task as a mother once it was all over.
And in a few seasons, I would be just like her. Glowing as I showed off my healthy new baby, nurturing it and helping it grow.
First Trimester to do list:
Make sure you are eating right.
Find your health care provider.
Continue your exercise regime, or begin one. Women who exercise during pregnancy feel more comfortable and have more energy. It will also help you prevent problems with weight gain and prepare you to return to a healthy weight after pregnancy.
As your body is changing, you may be feeling more tired than usual or be dealing with morning sickness. Learn about ways to stay comfortable during pregnancy.
Mother had informed me I had been fortunate not to have an easily upset stomach the first few months. Other than a little swelling here and there and tender breasts, I hadn't much had any bad symptoms.
Though my husband would disagree about the tenderness. He didn't particularly care for not being able to hug me when he had those rare moments alone with me.
But when I noticed that my clothes were becoming tighter, when my belly began protruding ever so slightly, he had been ecstatic. He loved to rest his hand on the bump, often murmuring in my ear the questions of if I could feel the baby move.
It was hard to try to tell him that he hadn't felt anything, and even harder to try to explain to him why he needed to remove his hand so I could roll over to a more comfortable position to sleep.
I really had to give it to him though, when the cravings began to kick in, he got up in the middle of the night without question, only the occasional grimace as he stumbled from our room and to the fridge to fix up whatever it might be I craved.
For the second trimester, one should continue to eat healthy and maintain physical activity, and begin planning how the baby will fit into your home.
It was a task, decorating the designated nursery the way I wanted, making sure Gotz made the crib to the right specifications and gathering the appropriate furnishings, blankets, diapers and the like. We managed to get a lot of the things we needed from the shopping channel and catalogs.
The most memorable task that I had managed to accomplish was renovating a section in the library, having Gotz build some custom shelves to place in it, as long as sectional divider to keep it separate from the rest of the library.
I painted the wall blue, using a sponge to make clouds, creating a fantasy mural in the patches in between. It took me several months to make scenes from several of my favorite fairytale stories, and my darling husband ended up having to paint the higher up ones in the end, as I was too heavy to be up in a chair, not to mention the possible complications that could result from a fall.
The mural consisted of such scenes as Jack and the Beanstalk, Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella, Rapunzel, and other classics. It was a wonderful addition to the library, and I was ecstatic to hang the sign reading 'children's section' in front of it.
I placed the small shelves in the section, filling with all the children's books I could find, even going as far as to order some from the city.
Everything was going well, and I was healthy, had done and continued to do what all the books said. I knew everything I had to do for a perfect, healthy pregnancy.
But as it would turn out I hadn't learned everything.
The small green pamphlet I held tightly in my hand, crumpling so tightly was supposed to summarize the sad parade of emotions that echoed through my core, making me feel like a failure, like I was somehow being punished.
A stillbirth is a tragic and heartbreaking experience. In many cases, the loss is completely unexpected, because it ends a pregnancy that seemed to be going well.
I hadn't learned about that. And for once, it was something I didn't want to know about. I didn't want to experience. I wanted to wake up, still full of a healthy life, and this all be a terrible nightmare.
The pamphlet was only saved by my husband's hand that salvaged it from my grip. I blinked furiously at the burning sensation in my eyes, sitting up in the bed and deciding that gripping the thin white sheet over me would be more productive.
"We don't have to do this Mary." I looked up at my husband, his usual cap gone and his bangs falling more into his face than usual, hiding his eyes. But I knew they echoed the pain in my own.
"I do."
"But you don't have to."
"I want to see him. I have to hold him…"
"It's part of the mourning process," Elli's voice murmured, and I took a sharp breath, my eyes darting to the small bundle in her hands. She didn't wear her usual cheerful and contagious smile. She simply walked slowly into the room, offering me the blanket bundle.
I reached out, my hands trembling as I took it. I was exhausted from labor, and I knew that it hadn't been that long ago I had been screaming in pain as I brought this lifeless infant into the world. But even so…
"He's still warm," I choked out, pushing the blanket away from his tinged blue face, a sad smile creasing my lips at the hair that looked like mine topping his head.
I curled up around the still infant, holding it tightly to me as I let out silent tears, quickly giving way to muffled sobs then to downright wails. I was vaguely aware of the strong arms around me, the muffled words of comfort not quite reaching me.
This was my baby. I wouldn't get to hear him cry, to see him open those eyes- ones I imagine mirroring his father's. I wouldn't get to hear his gurgle, his laugh, watch him grow.
This was how he would always be.
After some time, I unwrapped the baby, amazed at just how perfect he would have been. Ten fingers and toes, two cute little ears…
He looked healthy, like any other newborn.
So why was it he lay in my arms, never able to take his first breath?
When my husband tried to take him away from me, I curled my body up more around the body, refusing to let him go.
"Not yet. "
When he left my arms, he would be placed in a small box, buried in the cold ground, and all I would be left with is knowing what could have been.
I knew what would happen to his perfect little body, how it would break down and decompose, and then eventually turn to dust. And all that would be left of this baby would be a tiny marker in the cemetery.
I wish I had never learned of such things. I could go through my whole life not learning anything else, if I hadn't had to learn that.