A/N: If you didn't bother to read the summary, you need to know that this should not be taken seriously. I offend myself by writing this, and hope to make people laugh. It will be random and stupid. I could update it a bunch of times a day because I get bored often and I only write this when I do. Enjoy!
Jane finished torturing the fifth person that day, and it was only 9:30 AM. The person was Santiago, whom for some reason was a part of the Volturi guard even though he had no special gift of any kind.
"Jane, you need a mate." He said as he stood up and dusted himself off.
"I do not!" Jane exclaimed. "Do I?"
"Yep. Because if you had a mate, you would be able to do something other than torture everyone all the time. It would be a win-win situation for everyone." He explained.
Jane shook her head. "Well, I'm not going to get one. So ha!" Gianna then walked up.
"Aro says you need to get a mate." And so Gianna was tortured and left on the ground twitching while Jane went off to find a mate.
She searched far and wide, over hills, into the sea, and in Denny's. Jane rode Giraffes who ran around in fear, tortured pigeons, and looked in Denny's again. Finally, she made her way back to Volterra, where she once again ran into Santiago.
"Santiago, I can't find a mate. I looked all over, and in Denny's. Twice!" She whined, as her whining was usually very effective.
The meaningless guard member pitied her, so he made a suggestion. "Do you want to be mates?"
"Sure." Jane shrugged.
And so they happily skipped off into the sunset, going to Denny's, finding out what hot dogs are made of (I think there's a raccoon and boot in there somewhere), and refusing to kiss each other.
Gianna was fired for twitching on the ground; but immediately was re-hired because the Volturi needed a secretary.
Aro was pleased with Jane and Santiago's pairing.
Felix drooled over the Wii.
I came in and slapped them all with a magical paper clip holder.
THE END (or not.)
A/N: Definitely or not. I hope this is funnier and randomer than I think it is. Review!