EDWARD A HUMAN
Dis is a aleternate ending to Breaking Dawn and I think dat it is beter coz I didnt like da other one coz stepehenie meyer is a stupid riter. Get redy cuz it relly good.
Oh no dis hurtin me. Arghhhhhhh. My Baby is a comin, da smartest baby in the wolrd coz it alredy talk to me before it even born. I pass out for a bit cuz I carnt handle the pain.
"Umbrella ella r u awake yet my lov? Omg I cant belief it, omg da baby is now out of u", those were the most buteful words I had ever herd from my buteful husbrand Jedward. Da baby was alredy walkin around cuz he was specil cuz he was half vampir. Da baby needed a specil name so dat when she went to school wit oder kids he would be da best. Jedward wanted sum old style name cos he's reli old and from da olden times but I didnt like any of dese. 'oh no' we thought, so I said jedward jnr cos everyone knows ders no one better than my jedders but den we thought of an amazing name- renenstimpy! We luvd it and it suited our baby who had walked off durin dis convo so jedward ran and got him hehe
Jacob had fellen ouot wit me because of my bf being Jedward so I was so sad coz I wish he could be der to see da baby. I think he would reli like the baby even if it was half jeward. I also wish charlie could be here cos he's like the grandad so he needs to see it but I think he would be a bit confused cos he dunt know about all the vampir wewrolf stuff. It a lot to take in, even for me even thouh I was a weirdo anyway and I don't like the rain but stay in forks even tho in new moon charlie wanted me to do bacck to da sunny place. Anyway me though it good idea to see jacob.
Wen I wentz to see jacob da oder charcters daT NO ONE CUR ABOUT started to do sum stuff. Alice n her totally rad skillz of strawin stick men enteared a art compitiotn cuz jedward woz bein mean n laughed an pointed at her wit his flirty stare coz he sed she draw bad and she draw lik she was a wolf coz he h8 wolfz, but her hunky southen husbland jaspert felt reli soz for her n sed she shud entar (even tho he also tought she sucked at drawin n he n jedwart laughed at her behin her back, an even tho she psychih sshe did not tho dat they did dis). Wen alice arived der was some1 der dat she knew, it was...laurent (da vamp wit dreads). Dey then bonded discussin which paint is best but den dey gat bored so dey eated everyone. Wenz alice gawt home da rest of da vamps wer playin strip poker as they usally did on a tuesday, den dey realised dat dey not talked bout umbrella 4 a bit so dey had to shut da hell up caz they r not important enoug to tak da spotlight.
Anywayz, me strolled up to da house of jacob and billy wheeled out in his decabled chair and told me of for being der but he never seemed to like me anyway- I fink he tinks I stole charlie from him cos he didnt get to go fishin as much with him when I moved here. Anyway me walked past him cos it's not like he could do much to stop me. Jacob was like super upset and super happy to see me at the same time even tho he knew I was in with the vampires. I was like "hey jac, I have a baby now but he's abit weird cos she a vampir and a human at da same time'. He looked a bit annoyed and da news must've made him feel warm cos he took his top off. "umbrella u kno I love you but it is not good dat you and jedward have a baby." he ssaid. 'you kno what jac, I only wanted u to see my luvly baby who is called renenstimpy btw tanks for askin!' I wispered angrily. 'okay fair point, if he is half of you it cant be all bad so I will come round- let me find a new shirt to put on oksy?' and den he found a new shirt and we set off back to da house of vampire.
'right okay so dis is ma baby renenstimpy?' I said passing da baby to him. 'o mg umbrella dis is a reli good baby, me think I hav feelings for her in a totslly not pedo way cos it's dis werewolf thing that happens right cslled pawprinting'. I was a bit confussed and jedward looked proper angry, I mean jacob did sound like a pedo but dis pawprinting thing sounded legit so I think I was okay with it. 'kk dat is a bit strange jac, but I trust you not to be a pedo and you must just want to protect her ands stuff?' I shouted in reply. 'yeah dat totally right umbrel, me just have strong feelings of wantin to protect her nothing else at da mo cos I mean come on, she a baby right?' jac said back to me. 'err hello people, dis is seriousy not right!' jedders screamed and then let out a high pitch wail. He flew out da window and climbed up a tree. 'maybe he needs some time to accept dis kk jac?' I said, and we both sat down and watched da baby do the charleston cos it can dance already really well.
Jedward eventally came down from da tree after listenin 2 some clair da lune coz shes great n he say angrily "im not dat angry anymore" coz once jac and jedders had a talk in da tent wen they though I was asleep an they talk about me n den they lick eachother from den on. Jedward and jacob then did a fist bump and botty shake as a specil bro bondin ting 2 show dey r mates altho they appered to like it abit 2 much so I had to go walk ova and rub ma fingers thru ma hair n do some bitin of ma lip so der attention wud go bck to me tehe. Renenstimpy had grown to da size of da ceiling by luch time so we decided it was eventally time for charlie to come round coz he not seen da baby yet n we thought we better show him b4 she grew to an abnormal size coz it would freek him out.
We new charlie was comin coz we could see his mostache bobbin around from miles away. We were super excited asnd nervus at the same time. He knocked on da door and all rhe other cullens who had for some reason not really been around very much recently (even thou we couldve done with the extra help now ew had a baby) strated to look sacred. I told dem not to worry cos charlie is so cool like. We welcomed him in he hugged me and gave evils to jedward cos he's never really like him and now we have a baby together he knows were well serious about each oder. So we gave him renenstimpy although he ended up sitting on her knee cos she is so HUGE at da moment. "wow she;s a big un" charlie cried, but it was with happiness so it was okay. So really everythin was lookin up and nothing coulld go wrong now.
"o m g the vulturios are coming!" alice said as her eyes went all squiggly and she did that weird thing were she looks all space out and draws a not very good pic. We all gasped as we looekd at da pic- it was 3 stick vampires looking vv angry. It turns out dat a neighbour had reported us cos ma preganacy was so quick dey though we'd stolen renenstimpy! "those idiots!" I sighend. We were all reli upset and jacob eas looking all weird at ma daughter again so I moved her a bit away even though I think im okay with the pawprinting ting. "how long we got sis?" jedward howled (ironic as he hates wolves hehe). "oh like 6 hours me thinks" alice shouted "we in needs of a plan". So we all gathered round da table (although chalrie left because he promised he'd go fishing with billy and he doesn't really kno what the vulturios are anyway) and began to do a mind map of all our brilliant ideas to win da war dat could be cleared up easily with a bit of propa communication. But in da midst of out brillant brainstoming I gots a papercut n it made ma hole hand bleed and we al looked at jaspert and ROTF'd (rolld on da floor) cuz we remembrd da time he treid 2 eat me and jedward amaizgly solved da situation by throughin me into a glass tabel n jaspert into da piano. It sad now cuz da piano is now broke, rip piano. So anywayz we had da aswsumest plan of all awesum plans!1
Alice sed it was time so wez put jacob on hes leash and we was redy to go. Jac sed he wanted to carri renenstimpy cuz of his pawprting feelings but I though oderwise nd anyway renemstimpy said dat he would tell me abut da philosophy of time travl on da way so I carried her instead cuz I was reli intrestd in stuff like dat. As we wer followin alice and her physics power, roaslie kept on starin at me wit her uglay eyes, I says "why u keep lookin ova at me, just cuz me have baby n u dont' ans then she replied excitindly "STAP IT UNBRELLA U CANRT TALK TO ME LIKE DAT" den smashed a bowl coz she was jelous of me. Luckily her mokey man was der to clam her down and den renemstompy did da macarena too chear everyone up.
We had harrived at da destinatin, it was...DA MEADOW. It woz now time for da plan so wez got in position, jedward was at da fornt cuz he was da scaryrest n I kept hold of renemstimpy coz she waz reli scared of da volturis. We saw dem comin so we all vrouched down n started growling, jedward was da beast growler he went 'GRRRRDRDRG!/!/!" and mad dis reli scary face it was totally kwl. Jac used his telekenesis to tel his dog frends dat wez wer in trouble. All da dog crew jumped out of da trees and scared da vultrios a bit and then dey rolled over and we patted their stomach. We wer all about to ha ve an absolutly massive fight but then renestimpyee jumped out of my arms and boogies over to the volutiors. "omg" wimpered arrow, "dis child has da eyes of jedward but she is warm and human like like umbrella ella ella eh eh eh". Dey looked like they felt really stupid and if dey were human im pretty sure theyd go all red and embarassed looking. Anyways, they decided dey needed to depart very quickly cos dey were so wrong about us kidnapping a child and making it vampire like. "but before we go, we need a snack...maybe ur foolish neighbour who dragged us all da way here for nOTHING!" said barrow happily. I toldz dem dat I know dis guy caled mike and dey cud eat him if dey wanted coz he was so annoyin how he woz nice 2 me al da time so no way cud I be seen wit him or dat stupid speccy angeleta so they can be eated.. Dakots fanning was also der btw.
We were all super happy and relived. Jac tried to hug renstimpyee but I was a bit worried so I hug her instead. Theyr was lots of high fiving and wooping. Jedward was so happy he started thanking God and jesus (coz dey care more bout helpin vampires and givin justin beieber a vma dan da starvin schildren), which his werd cos I thought to be religious you need a soul or summar like that and jedward was all empty inside (probably why he is so cold). All of a suddenit started thunderin loads so we were all thinking of plsying baseball but den the face of jesus appeared in one of dem! "Jedward step forward pls" screamed jesus. Jedward looked a bit scared and weird but then he fell to da ground as if havin sum sort of relegos experience. "jedward cos you totally thanked my dad then for all dis goodness, we decided you hav enough faith in us for us to restore ur soul" jesus giggled and den da cloud disappeared and it was sunny. "jedders ur not sparkling no more! Dat is crazy" I stammered. "o wow I must be human! Kinda wish jesus had asked me first, I miss being immortal a bit even though we can have a proper life now and move to a nighbourhood and have more kidz and stuff and be normal" said jeddward. The oder vampires all looked a bit upset but dey seemed okay with it and the power of god is stronger than them so they couldnt do nothing anyway. They skipped off and we were now stuck with a half vampire kid which was a bit weird, you wouldv though the son of god wouldv thought dis through more. Anyway now we have to get a mortagae and a car. Oh ye and jacob died cuz he hads a hert attak wen jesus appered.