Lifeline.
The ashtray was full to the brim, but not with ashes or cigarette butts. The paper from many beers bottles had been slowly ripped off and then tossed into the glass ornament, the picking of the paper a substitute for conversation. Looking around the small pub there was enough smoke in the air to make up for there own privation of adding to it. Jack was sat in the corner of the booth, working away on another label methodically, ignorantly ignoring Tony who was propped up on a bar stool. He too, was silent and enjoying the beer, it wasn't like he had a choice of staying and waiting for Jack. Anyway, they both knew the peeling of beer bottle labels was to put off the conversation they needed to have.
A bar maid leaned over the table to collect the many bottles that were scattered over the worn tables. Names had been scrawled across it and dints lay on its surface, not deep enough to be carved in but still there all the same. For a fleeting second it reminded Tony of the small scar he had seen on Jacks body earlier that week in the hospital. It was small and puckered, pink in colour - it seemed so small and insignificant but they both knew the powerful story behind its presence. A tale that would change both of there lives forever. For better or worse, he wondered, a question he knew that could never be answered.
Jack looked up startled as the woman reached before him and quickly pulled the abandoned empty bottles onto a tray, they clanged together noisily and Jack shut his eyes as though being woken up by an alarm clock. Only he hadn't been sleeping, he never slept now. He stared at the woman for a moment, annoyed, but then looked away when the woman met his own angry stare before tutting at the state of the ashtray and taking it away with her to empty.
She brushed against Tony's shoulder as she turned to leave, bringing him back to reality too, he was still thinking about the gun shot wound which had almost healed. Almost, but what it represented would determine him injured indefinitely, both mentally and physically. Tony knew Jack would never recover from his ordeal. He was a strong man and at first he had assumed he would pick himself back up from the ground and move on. But after spending time with him it was clear that this was not the case, he had endure too much and could never go back to what he once was, once had. How could anyone? On top of this, his heart would always be broken, not just from the loss of his wife but his daughter too. He was stuck in an all time low and Tony doubted he would ever rise back up from it.
The woman was back with a fresh ash tray and another two drinks for the pair. Tony muttered a thanks to her but didn't look up, the woman stormed off in a huff, she had more customers to see. Once alone again Tony slid the glass bottle over to Jack and held it against his arm, the coolness grabbing his attention as he realised he was staring off into space again. Thinking about what, Tony could only imagine.
"Sorry," he whispered, it wasn't herd over the live music filtering through the background but it didn't matter, Tony saw the lips move and instinctively knew what he had said.
"S'okay," he replied, speaking over the band playing in the other end of the low room. Jack didn't acknowledge his response, he was already pulling the corner of the label away from the bottle, seemingly entranced by the work. Tony knew it was bull sh!t but decided to go along with it for a little while longer, it was the most he could do for the man who had lost everything.
It had been 5 days since the funeral, 3 weeks since the murder of Terri Bauer. Due to the gravity and complexity of the situation the body had been kept by the government longer than necessary. Autopsies were carried out among other things. Tony knew Jack hadn't read the reports, he didn't care about theories, he didn't care about anything now she had gone. She was shot in the stomach, what more was there to know? He didn't want to know the exact time of her death, the second the bullet ripped through her flesh and bone as it took her life from him.
He was scared that he could have gotten back in time if he'd gone faster, if he hadn't wasted time with the paramedics. He felt enough guilt to last him for the rest of his life, knowing he could have gotten there in time would be too much. He was a coward and he knew it, but he also knew that the fear of the knowledge that he could have saved her was too much, and he was scared of it. So instead he pushed the thoughts away to a corner of his mind which would never be visited again, the place where he stored memories of Terri and himself. He didn't deserve to revisit them, he didn't deserve to look back on the good times they had lived through together. He deserved nothing, except maybe the suffering he had been enduring since the second he had found her lifeless body in the cold and hard plastic chair.
Despite that he knew he was still angry at the government for holding onto her for so long, he didn't see it as necessary and it had only prolonged his and Kim's agony. Prolonged, Tony thought angrily, Jack really had believed that once she was buried he would be able to cope. He didn't expect to move on or get over the loss, but he thought some state of numbness would be granted to him. But it wasn't, instead the pain became sharper as the days passed by, his emotions were raw and he didn't know how to deal with any of it.
Kim had left him before the funeral which had intensified the situation and the pain. Jack was alone and stuck in his own personal hell, Tony couldn't stop himself from calling in one day to see how he was doing. He had pushed his way into the house when there had been no answer to his insistent knocks. The mail had been piled up on the floor and the lights were all off. Tony had collected the assortment of letters and parcels and leafed through them. Personal letters and bills, along with a week old appointment card for Jack from the hospital.
Jack had been sitting in the living room, a pink box with the letters 'mom' on the lid sat on his lap. His hand was gently running over the letters as he stared at the wall. His loaded gun was held in his other hand, resting gently on the arm chair like one would sit with a glass of water or a cup of coffee. Tony had been terrified and Jack didn't notice his presence until the gun was grabbed from his hand and lodged into the mans jacket pocket, after he carefully switched the safety on.
Jack had a growing beard covering his face and his eyes looked sore, swollen red rim's circled each of them. Tony knew it was from crying and felt his heart break all over again. He couldn't leave him like this.
He had grabbed the silent mans arm and pulled him into the bathroom, only finding it because the door was open. Jack followed blindly as though sleep walking, his willingness frightened Tony more than anything else. He pushed the man into the spacious cream bathroom and turned the shower on before leaving the room and closing the door.
He had pottered around the house tidying up the mess and looking for any more weapons until Jack had returned from the bathroom, clean shaven and dressed in fresh cloths, looking at him as though he was lost and didn't know what to do next. Tony had smiled and felt relief as he saw his friend, (was he a friend?) before directing him to the door and then driving him to the hospital for the check-up he had ignored days ago.
Jack had sat in silence throughout the ride and Tony felt his stomach tighten - he had wanted to help but had was out of his depth. Since there trip to the hospital Jack seemed to be doing better, he expressed a few utterances during there time spent together, he even asked him to call Kim to ask when the funeral was and where it would be. Despite his efforts Jack hadn't made much progress, and there was no change until the funeral. He had stood by his side as the mourners passed and his family didn't, choosing instead to stay at the other side of the ceremony, as far away from him as possible. Not for the first time since his visits Tony knew Jack was uncomfortable with his presence but he didn't care, nobody would give him the time of day and he feared that if he wasn't there ready to catch him Jack would fall, and would never stop falling until there was nothing left the fall through.
He had changed after the funeral, it was small but still significant enough for Tony to notice. The pure hurt, disbelief at what had happened seemed to melt some and was replaced with disappointment. He had accepted that she was dead, now he had to accept his own role in her death - that was something he didn't have the strength to do.
After a while Tony felt his presence no longer had its effect it once had. He had begun a new role as a mediator between father and daughter and he didn't like it. He didn't like the look of defeat he saw in this once strong mans eyes each time he gave the small shake of his head after hanging up the phone. But Jack did appreciate the mans effort even if he couldn't express his thanks other than as painfully small smile he gave him one afternoon before Tony left to go back to work. Tony had smiled back and for the first time since the California primary he had hope for the man.
He hadn't felt much else though, as his own heartbreak at Jacks situation slowly melted away like butter in a hot pan. Jack seemed to be getting better but he was getting worse, his worry and visits to Jack lessened, but he didn't seem to mind. Either that or he hadn't noticed. On top of his worries Tony had had enough of the sinking feeling he experienced every time he left the Bauer residence, he didn't like to feel helpless but he was, he couldn't help Jack. He had come to the conclusion that he was beyond help, and that fact alone hurt more than he had thought possible. Not because he liked Jack, but because he had witnessed the man fall so far down, he hadn't thought it possible until he had witnessed the tragedy with his own sad eyes.
But we all bleed the same way as you do
And we all have the same things to go through
His own pain seemed to get stronger when he started to try take care of himself as well as Jack. Nina. He missed her and he hated her so damn much. If she hadn't made this mess he wouldn't be stuck trying to help Jack and he sure as hell wouldn't be hurting as much as he was now. And it wasn't just at her betrayal. The anger he felt when he reviewed there relationship made him feel ill - she hadn't loved him or wanted him for who he was, it had all been about information and a cover. She had felt nothing for him, and that was something he would never get over.
On top of that were his confusing thoughts about her relationship with Jack. That had meant something to her other than a cover, and that made him hurt even more. Wasn't he good enough? The worst thing was he couldn't even discuss it with Jack when he was at his house, all the time his mind screaming at him that he should be the last person who should be there. But then maybe he was the last person - nobody else seemed keep to help him - they would have left him to wallow in his own despair.
Jack had moved out of the house the day before, he was renting a out shabby apartment which matched his mood and state of mind. It was still a step, a huge step for him in terms of progress. But he hadn't sold the house, he had left it untouched and Tony knew the money for it was still going out of his bank as he had organised Jack's bills.
This was supposed to be a celebration but neither was in the mood the smile or laugh. Not only had Jack made the first step towards sanity and his old self, but the verdict had been reached today. Nina had been given life without the chance of parole in a high security prison. She would be deported out of LA but neither man had been told where, it was classified information. Her willingness to give up information was all that saved her from the death penalty for the slaughter of more than 10 counts of murder.
Jack didn't want to speak about his anger to Tony, after all the man had gone through for him, he didn't want to moan to him about this. At least she had life, she would never taste freedom again. Tony had similar thoughts but didn't want to share them with Jack as Jack had suffered more than him. He didn't think it would be fair to burden the man with more problems, even though he knew Jack was the only person who could understand. Jack did understand too, he had noticed Tony's upset but did nothing, how could he, he had wondered, try help somebody else when he was still drowning in his own nightmare?
As much as it hurt, he had to try be there for Tony. He had to offer him the shoulder to lean on, a person to talk to. He knew the two had been in a relationship when she was arrested and knew it would sting, he just didn't want to screw it up and hurt the man anymore. Especially when he had tried so hard to help him.
Both men were avoiding the subject, or any subject for that matter, to try and protect each other. Although their true friendship didn't develop until later, the respect and trust began now, as did the desire to protect each other. They had stood shoulder to shoulder through the worst of times. They didn't know it but they would continue to stand on by each other, through better times, and more worst. It was what people did, it was what friends did. Although neither would admit it, they needed each other and the reassurances that came with that person. It was nice to know somebody would be there for you when you were in need, and it was even nicer to know somebody had experienced the pain you were feeling. That was why Tony had asked him to come out, it was the main reason anyway. Jack had been hurt by Nina too, he knew what was to be expected and, Tony hoped, would be able to help him ignore the nagging sensation he felt in his heart every moment she passed by his mind. He needed help, and like Jack had been just weeks ago, he was too afraid to ask.
Tony had been surprised when he herd Jack clear his throat before speaking. He thought the night would be wasted and he would chicken out and go home disappointed. Instead it appeared Jack knew what he had been thinking and eventually started the conversation. He was silently thankful he did so, he didn't want Jack to think he was weak as he was still leaning on him pretty heavily.
"So… no chance of parole, that's a comfort right?" He sniggered as he spoke but for both men there was nothing humorous about the situation.
"Guess so. Doesn't make it any easier though, does it?" He chose his words carefully, as much as Nina made him hurt inside he knew it was still a very deep and painful wound for Jack too.
"No. But they'll get the information they need and maybe they can prevent this from happening again." He didn't know why he was being so positive all of a sudden, maybe he was sick of living in depression and wallowing in guilt. He could at least try and prevent Tony from following in his footsteps.
"Maybe? Seems like too high a price had to be paid when you're not even sure we'll gain anything from it!" His anger appeared from nowhere and scuttled away again almost as fast. He looked at Jack sternly, anticipating his response, slightly curious as to how he would react. His head bobbed back down and he was playing with the label again. The beer had been finished long ago.
"I'm doing the best I can Tony, okay?" It was a grumble and almost incoherent but Tony felt his anger at himself for being so careless rise. Jack was still touchy, this was the most he had spoken in a sitting and he was losing his temper.
"What if my best isn't good enough?" He said, nothing but emotion and truth in his voice. Jack tuned to look at him and in an instant recognised his pain and fears. He knew there was nothing he or anybody else would be able to do to squash them, just like nobody could say anything to bring Terri back. Life doesn't give you second chances.
"You just have to deal with it as best you can," his voice was coarse now, this was getting too much. Images of Terri's body flooded him, joined with the picture of his little girl holding her granddads hand at the grave, a grave she was too young to be stood by, glaring at him through the tears. Had he done the best he could? No, he thought, but then he didn't think there was anything he could do, so maybe he had done something. No, he thought again, Tony had done the best he could to help him, but Jack had done nothing for himself.
Tony was watching Jack intently now, desperate for some guidance or words of wisdom he was sure the man held. He had to know what to do, because if Jack didn't, then how the hell could he ever find his way again?
"What if you can't deal with it?" His questioning was persistent and Jack thought about the way children pester their parents, he didn't let his mind drift to his family this time, he denied it access to the painful memories.
"I don't know," he muttered dismissively, angry at himself now for stating the conversation. He was stupid to think he could repay Tony for his kindness, help him when he couldn't help himself.
"How do you deal with it?" His desperation was showing but he didn't care. He needed something, anything…
Jack looked up at him and met his stare again. "I don't…"
Tony swallowed hard and nodded, his eyes were becoming moist. Jack began to unroll his shirt sleeves, it was to distract himself, Tony knew. He instantly felt bad for putting Jack through this, despite his own needs he should have known it would only dredge up more painful memories for him. But then, it was Jack who had brought it up, and he had accepted his invitation to come out. Okay, he would have blindly followed him anyway, but that wasn't the point. He had been given the choice and had slowly nodded his head in approval as Tony had gotten his jacket for him.
"I'm going to the john," he stated, placing a reassuring hand on Jacks shoulder before leaving the booth. Jack nodded but he'd already left. He thought about there conversation, he was still angry at himself for bringing it up when he had nothing to say. He just wanted to help, and to talk about something. One of the things which was hurting him so much, something he knew wouldn't be too personal as they had both experienced it. He sighed as he rubbed at his eyes, he was tired and angry with himself. He had failed again.
Tony returned and suggested they head back, Jack just nodded. He had easily slipped back into the silent mode which Tony had gotten used to dealing with. Tony left the money for the beers on the table and placed his hand on Jacks shoulder as he past him. Jack noticed the quick pat the other man had given him and realised that he'd noticed him do it on more than once occasion.
Why, ho wondered? Was it to comfort him, or to remind him that somebody was there for him? He wasn't sure so he shrugged the thoughts away, maybe it was both.
They climbed into Tony's Ford silently, Tony quickly switched on the radio to save himself the trouble of making conversation with Jack. Given there discussion he didn't want to bring up anything else related to her, and he was still angry with the lack of answers he had received. He had been sure they would be given without a fight, he had been wrong.
The car pulled up to the curb outside Jacks new apartment and he climbed out, aware that he needed to say something to Tony. What, he didn't know, but something.
"Thanks," he said uncomfortably as Tony wound down the window.
"No problem," he said, equally stiff and tense. Both were upset and trying to hide it, even though it was as clear as it would be if it were somehow written across there foreheads.
"Listen," Jack ordered as he turned back around to face him, he had started walking away when the thought had stuck him, "I'm going to need those guns back please."
Tony nodded a, "sure," and then Jack left. He rolled the window back up and watched as a light came on in the house. He thought about his words about the gun and smiled, the lights only confirming his thoughts.
Maybe Jack was dealing with it now after all.
END
Please review I really enjoyed writing this!