Desiderata

By fallen-angel-b

Rated: M for possible violence, and, of course, boy-on-boy sex scenes in later chapters.

Summary: When Hatsuharu and Yuki Sohma are suddenly and unexplainably drawn to each other, something unbelievable happens. Could their new relationship be the key to finally putting an end to the family curse?

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot and this fic. Everything else is property of whoever created Fruits Basket.

Parings: Haru/Yuki, Kyo/Tohru. Maybe some more later, depending on how I feel.

Note: "Desiderata" is a Latin word that derives from the word "desire". The official definition of it is: "Something considered necessary or highly desirable".

Prologue - Desiderata

They sat together on the steps, staring out into the afternoon sunshine, watching as it faded behind wispy clouds of white vapor. Dappled late-spring light cast shadows over the green field of neatly trimmed grass, illuminating it with uniquely majestic beauty.

It was a day neither of them would ever forget.

The soft, melodic, murmur of human voices drifted up from the busy market place below to where they sat, side by side in such close proximity that they were almost touching, on the paved grey steps that led down to the field. The atmosphere was relaxed and peaceful. People of all sorts of shapes, sizes and backgrounds came flying down the steps from the shops behind them to join the festivities of the weekly markets. It was enough to make anyone marvel that so many different types of people could exist in one place.

Despite the warm, mixed environment around them, a thick layer of tension still remained between the two teenage boys sitting on the steps. Anyone passing by would have been oblivious, as they must have looked so comfortable being so close to each other. Later, Hatsuharu Sohma would come to envy those people. If they had any memory of that day – if they would even remember the two boys sitting on the steps – they would not remember the awkward silences, or the tension he had felt. They would not remember the sorrow…the pain…the importance of that day…

There were other people on the steps as well, some of them couples, others friends, and few groups that looked like families. Hatsuharu and his companion didn't sit too close to them, but could hear them chatting amongst themselves from time to time. It was impossible not to hear sound, as the area was so full of vibrance, colour and life. But Haru would never remember those voices. When he looked back on that day, he couldn't even remember most of the things his companion said to him. Everything seemed distorted and hazy in his mind's vision – just as surreal as it would have if he dreamt it.

After a while, they stopped talking to each other. There was no real sense in continuing conversation for the sake of talking, especially when it only felt like a futile attempt to fill the tension that was steadily growing between them. The silence was overwhelming – not comfortable, but not entirely uncomfortable either. Of course, Haru had no idea what it was like for him, or if he would even remember the day in the same way he did. He wished he would, though. He wanted it almost desperately.

Every now and then, he would risk tearing his eyes away from the markets that truthfully held no real interest for him and focus on his companion instead. He admired everything about him, from the dark silver colour in his hair to the soft white of his skin. He was in awe of his expressive azure eyes, revealing so much about him, yet cloaking him in mystery all at once. His eyes were the key to unlocking the hidden secrets of his soul.

Of course, there was more than just his physical appeal. Haru was attracted to his kindness, his severity, his mannerisms, his profound sense of wisdom and his unique outlook on life. From the day they met, it had always felt as if the other boy had the ability to see both within and beyond him – into parts of him that he couldn't even see himself.

Indeed, Yuki Sohma had never been the 'mean rat' Haru had so long thought him to be. It was the first great lesson Yuki had ever taught him – that there was always more to a person than what was seen on first sight…that people hardly ever turned out to be what you originally thought them to be like. Yuki was a living example of this. He had the ability to see things others could not. He was deep…he was soulful…he was everything. That was why Haru loved him. That, and so much more. He really was, as nearly all of the girls at school called him, a prince.

Every time Haru dared to look at him, however, he had to turn away quickly again before their eyes could meet, colour flooding into his cheeks. He was ashamed of the way he acted – he wasn't this bashful around anyone else. Then again, Yuki wasn't like anyone else. He had grown so accustomed to having to look away from the one he loved and deny his feelings that it was difficult for him to try and accept them again now. He kept reminding himself that he was allowed to look this time. After all, they were on a date…weren't they?

It was not like any date Haru had heard of before. Part of him knew that Yuki's heart was still broken and in need of healing…that this so-called 'date' of theirs was only because Yuki was on the rebound. Still, he didn't want to believe it. He denied it with every part of his being, daring to hope for the minute chance that it could be real.

It was this hope that blinded him to reality…to the true source of all the discomfort and tension between them. The truth was, he realized later, that he didn't want to see it.

Time moved by slowly, but it still wasn't slow enough. He kept glancing at the large city hall clock at least half a mile away on the other side of the field. Not because he was conscious of the time, but because he never wanted the time to end…

"I should go now, I think," Yuki finally spoke, his voice as soft and as dense as it always was, "it's getting late."

"I don't want you to go," Haru mumbled, looking anywhere but at the one beside him. Why was it so hard for him to admit his feelings? Wasn't this what he had always wanted – to be able to share this with the one he loved? Why did everything seem more awkward between them now that they were 'together'?

Haru grimaced. Something told him that it wasn't a date anymore…that it hadn't been for some time. His heart sunk to the pit of his stomach.

"I really should," he heard Yuki persist, "I'm starting to feel…" a pause to yawn, "…really tired."

Despite everything that had happened…everything that was happening, and everything that was sure to come, Haru decided to go with his instincts. It was something he had learnt the hard way not to do in the past, but he made an exception that afternoon. Perhaps it was because he sensed a premonition in the air…something that told him this could very well be the last time he had a chance to hold Yuki and feel his body against him…to look him straight in the eye and tell him the truth about how he felt.

"Come here," he said with a heavy sigh of exasperation, stretching out an arm to pull the fragile body against his own.

Yuki did not resist, falling instantly and almost gratefully into the embrace, his head resting on Haru's left shoulder. Haru tightened his hold on him, his arm gliding soothingly up and down the other boy's back. He breathed in deeply, savoring the sweet scent of Yuki's dark silver hair below his nose, wanting to remember it forever.

This was the way he had always wanted it. The way he had always dreamt it would be like to hold Yuki in his arms. For so long, he had yearned to protect him and show him affection in a way he could not if they were 'just friends'. Even though Yuki was a year older than him, he had always felt the need to be there for him as a support and a guide. Yuki was just so vulnerable…so easy to hurt…but also so easy to love.

The now intimate embrace took away some of the awkwardness of earlier, but it only effected it slightly. The action seemed natural of a date, but Haru had the distinct impression that it still wasn't the same. Yuki didn't lean on him with passion or need, but with a desire for protection and kindness – a desire to mend is broken heart.

An ominous cloud of doubt hung heavily over Haru's head, but he chose to ignore it for the moment. This was the one thing he wanted more than anything in the world, and the fact that it could be the only time it would happen made him even more desperate and determined not to waste it. Yuki's body was warm against his, lithe and fragile, but strong and comforting at the same time. He wanted to completely lose himself in the moment, and to let it consume every corner of his being…to let Yuki and that day at the market become one with his heart and soul.

An age seemed to pass, and Haru fleetingly wondered if time had actually stopped. If it were to stop forever then, he wouldn't have minded. The future was frightening and unknown, and the past was filled with torture, trail and suffering for both of them. If he could live out eternity lost within that moment, then he would forever be content.

"Haru?" Yuki finally asked, his voice distant and timid. He kept his head on Haru's shoulder, but turned so that he could look up at him with shining dark eyes, "I have to ask you…what do you think about…us?"

"What do you mean?" Haru said in a rush of nervous excitement, his heart thudding uncontrollably fast in his chest.

"You know what I mean," Yuki replied with slight irritation, gracing him with a wan smile, "us."

"Oh," Haru wasn't sure why, but he suddenly came out in a sweat. He pulled his arm away from Yuki so that he wouldn't know his turmoil, staring down at his hands which he clasped together in his lap as his cheeks coloured. This was his chance. The chance he had been waiting for to tell Yuki how he felt. He had to make sure he said it well, or it could change everything between them.

But he didn't have any time, and Yuki was gazing at him constantly, expecting an answer.

"Well, you know I've had a crush on you since forever," Haru said hastily, the words coming out in a rush. He started sweating even more, and laughed nervously to himself to hide his anxiety. Beneath the surface, he was mentally cursing himself for sounding so insincere and stupid under pressure. He hadn't even used the word 'love'.

To his relief, Yuki chuckled as well, "Hey, that's alright. I don't mind, really."

Haru was surprised when this was the only answer he received. He didn't expect Yuki to suddenly confess feelings of deepest passion towards him or anything, but he had thought he would get more of a reaction. Of course, Yuki had heard this information before, but Haru couldn't actually remember having ever said it to his face in the past in such a blatant manner as this. Still, Yuki remained completely calm, untainted by the news.

But then again, Yuki always appeared to be calm. That wasn't necessarily how he really felt.

More silence followed, in which Haru stared intently down at his hands, too afraid to face Yuki again and say anything else.

"You don't want to date me, Haru," Yuki eventually said quietly, sounding as if he was highly ashamed of himself for reasons Haru couldn't understand then. "We both know I'm not very good at relationships. I've run away from everyone who tries to get close to me. I'm not really sure why that is, but I just…can't control it. If we became any closer, then things between us would start changing."

Haru felt his heart sinking again. He knew that this was partly true, but there was another part Yuki had failed to add. The undeniable truth was that Yuki was, in fact, not at all interested in other men – and especially not in Haru. The whole 'date', Yuki had only been using him to try and mend his broken heart. Now that Yuki had realized rebound dating wouldn't work, he was trying to get out of it in a way that wouldn't hurt Haru.

What he didn't realize was that it was already too late for that. Yuki had hurt him, and the pain was almost unbearable. He thought about the embrace they had shared only moments ago – that sacred moment between them – and now all he could see in it was that it had been Yuki's way of testing him. He knew only one thought had been flowing through Yuki's mind the entire time. The same thing into his own tangled web of thoughts, coming out in Yuki's own voice,

This is nothing like what it must be like to be with Tohru…

As much as this made Haru want to do nothing but go home and sob to himself, he still felt no anger or resentment towards Yuki. After all, Yuki was still his love…his everything. He would not let this damage the relationship they already had, because any relationship was still better than nothing.

"Haru?" Yuki asked with concern, prompting him to speak.

Haru sighed heavily, staring out across the markets and into the distant sun, "Well, Yuki, I don't ever want you to be uncomfortable around me…"

Yuki smiled at him warmly, seeming relieved. Haru couldn't bare to look at him.

"We're still friends, aren't we?" Yuki asked worriedly after a few moments of silence had passed.

"Of course!" Haru responded without so much as a hint of hesitation, turning and taking Yuki's hand in his own. "We'll always be friends, Yuki. That comes before anything else."

Yuki beamed at him, "I'm glad. I honestly don't know what I'd do without you, Hatsuharu Sohma."

Haru turned away again, afraid that Yuki would see the sadness in his eyes and be plagued with guilt. That was the last thing he wanted, and the other boy had always been so good at sensing what was on his mind. Yuki always knew how to say the right thing when he was there. At least, he had always done so up until this day…

The city hall clock chimed five times, signaling the turn of the hour. Yuki immediately leapt to his feet.

"I really have to go now," he said hastily. "If I'm too late getting home again, then Shigure will be angry with me."

"Yeah, I should leave now too," Haru cleared his throat as he finished speaking, shocked by how hoarse his tone sounded. He tried to get to his feet, but for some unknown reason, his legs shook uncontrollably and he found he had to sit back down again. He smiled tiredly at Yuki's puzzled expression, adding sheepishly, "but maybe I'll just stay here for a while."

Yuki nodded, "Alright then. Um…it was nice seeing you, Haru."

Haru nodded as well, watching as Yuki turned and began to walk up the steps, pushing past a crowd of people until he disappeared into the streets of shops behind them.

It was only after he'd gone that Haru added softly to himself, "It was nice seeing you too, Yuki Sohma. Too bad I never got to tell you that I love you."

Note: I know it doesn't seem like much of a plot now, but I am building to something…trust me. More will be revealed in the first chapter, next post. I'll try and have that up as soon as I can.

Thanks for reading, please review!