Notes:
Van's "almost" confession in episode 19 is one of my favorite scenes in The Vision of Escaflowne. The literary interpretations are fantastic, but most of all, no matter how many times I've watched the scene, the "From now on, I want you to stay with me" and the "I want your power" lines remind me of Van's simple boyhood-approaching-manhood charms.
In this fanfiction, I hope to provide to you a possible explanation for Van's actions.
Thoughts are in italics.
Flashbacks are denoted by italicized quotes.
"Mystic Eyes" lyrics are italicized and centered.
The Dragon Cannot Cross the Line
People kept their distance as I walked through the streets of Asturia. It must be my scowl. I grimaced and noticed a man next to me flinch with nervousness.
Damn it, I don't intend to intimidate these innocent people, but I can't get the damn situation out of my mind. "May I offer my congratulations on your wedding, Princess Millerna?" Why are Dryden and Princess Millerna getting married when we're supposed to be preparing for war? Why are we wasting time when Zaibach could strike at any moment? My brother, Dornkirk, and the fighting to stop the fighting...
I ran a hand through my hair in irritation. Damn Dryden and his brains. Brains won't be of any use if we don't have the arms to defend ourselves against Zaibach's attack. We need to be prepared.
"We"? I gripped my sword harder. Merle and I are the only ones left of "us". And Hitomi too, I guess. I relaxed a little and paused in front of a vendor, my thoughts sidetracked to the puzzle of sending her back to the Mystic Moon. We transported back to Gaea when my energist created a beam of light. Perhaps I can do it again with another energist?
But she can't leave. Not when Gaea needs her powers to win this war. Her powers of dowsing and her visions are of great help. That time with the enegist mine, that time in the Viole's hanger when Dilandu sprang at me from behind, that time on the bridge, that time… She helped me too many times to count. And she must have helped in Escaflowne's fantastic supe- dragon transformation. I grinned. Who knew Escaflowne could do that?
And I want her to stay.
For...?
"She's finally seen my worth." Dryden's words poked me in the stomach. If I asked, would she stay? No, it is selfish of me, to want to keep her away from her family, from the world she's familiar with, from her life.
"Would you like something?" A soft voice interrupted the depressing thoughts. I glanced up into a pair of green eyes. Not quite as vibrant and deep with emotions, but almost the same shade. I suddenly realized I was staring and quickly transferred my gaze to a piscus on display in front of me.
Somehow, I ended up buying a whole sack.
- - -
As I headed to hide the evidence in my room, I noticed a lone figure on the steps of the court fountain.
"Hitomi, what's wrong?"
She raised her bent head, a slight smile appearing on her face. "Van?"
Was she glad to see me?
"Come on." I turned and heard her following a few paces behind me. We walked in silence out to the surrounding countryside where sheep graze on rolling green hills beneath distant cliffs. The windmills stood still, the atmosphere dense with impending summer rain. A picturesque scene, except that Escaflowne is here, too. Much like the steel underneath the lacquer. I looked at Escaflowne as I entered the windmill. No, Escaflowne is my partner. "Use your bloodstained hands to cut free the sorrow of war." Together, we'd use our bloodied hands to protect Gaea and its people. My people. "As long as she has a king and a people, Fanelia has a future."
Her approaching footsteps led me back to reality. Pigeons cooed softly in the rafters, congregating in the shafts of sunlight filtering through the high windows. A slight breeze traveled through the entrance, carrying the smell of grass and damp earth. As she stood next to me, surveying the interior, I caught her scent, too. The sweet smell of… piscus? Why did I buy so many? I mentally kicked myself.
I took a step closer, inhaling deeply, wanting to be buried in it, wanting to forget the impending war for just a little while.
A voice from my memory gently contradicted my desire to hide. "Don't forget, Van. It is your will that determines Gaea's future." My will… I transferred my attention back on the looming figure occupying most of the windmill. Might as well start first with Escaflowne's preparations for war. I eased into the cockpit and felt the familiar consciousness of becoming one with the Guymelef. Escaflowne's hands are my hands. Escaflowne's actions are my actions. And Escaflowne's pains are my pains. "The Ispano said it too. They can't make any guarantees! Don't pilot Escaflowne!" I can't, I want to shout back. "The samurai gives his life so that others might live." I drew the sword and placed it on Escaflowne's knee for easy access. I then vaulted from the cockpit and retrieved my sword file from behind a pile of hay.
"I make myself sick."
"You make yourself sick?" I stopped mid-stride and echoed, not quite understanding.
"I'm such a jerk. I play nice, but I butt into everyone's business. I'm an idiot." Hitomi looked downcast, her long legs dangling over the broad rafters running along the windmill, her entire figure the embodiment of self-reproach.
Well, I must admit that the "butting into everyone's business" part is true. The first time we met was the first time she saved me, although I didn't appreciate her efforts then. Somehow she always appears when I need support, when I need someone to watch over me, when I need someone to tell me the truth. And also when I need someone to slap me, I rolled my eyes.
But never an idiot, Hitomi.
I sense a need for me to say something. But what would I say? I vainly grope into past conversations with other females of my life, and those don't seem quite right for the present situation. Maybe distracting her would help? The piscus! I opened my sack and tossed one in her direction. Hitomi gave a little gasp as she noticed my projectile. Oops. I took my own share and chose to lean against the wall, feigning my usual wall of indifference. I discreetly watched as she inserted a straw, sipped, and made a horrified reaction. I tried hard to stifle my laughter, because it really hurts if you get some piscus up your nose.
"So sour! What are these?"
"Piscus. You feel better now, don't you?"
"Eh?"
Finishing my drink, I leapt off the rafters, looked around for my sword file (again), and started to sharpen Escaflowne's sword (finally). Why do I always get distracted when I'm around her? I'm not too sure the piscus trick worked. Maybe I actually need to say something?
"If you go around with that nervous look on your face, something bad is going to happen to you. It's not like you to be depressed." I train my eyes on Escaflowne's sword.
Beyond the moon, blue searchlights overlap
Suddenly an angel alights, so who are you?
Now the door of fate has opened, so just fall in love
Feeling uneasy, don't release this moment, don't stop baby.
No, she's not really distraction -- she just has higher priority. But why do I care at all? Is it only because she's important in the shaping of Gaea's future? Is that all? Why should I care if she's hurt? Why is she important to me?
But reasons aren't important. I know what I want -- I want to protect her; I don't want her to leave Gaea; I don't want her to leave... me?
I bent my head, hoping that my hair would hide my flaming cheeks from her notice. "Hitomi." The name came out as a hoarse whisper.
"Huh?"
I wish I can take away her pain. And also hurt the bastard who caused it, I added mentally, a little smugly. "From now on, I want you to stay with me." Yes, filing is good. Keep filing, Van. Repetitive motions never hurt anybody.
I hear a small thud behind me, but I'm afraid to turn around. I'm afraid that I'd lose my resolve in those eyes. "Van, what did you just say?"
Everything dissolves, Mystic Eyes
Taking a breath, time and time
It's just on me, the crush in your eyes
Towards eternal love, running faster than light
In order to protect you.
My whole body is tense. I stood up and voiced my deepest fear and desire a little louder. "From now on, I want you to stay with me!"
"Eh?"
It seems they're burning, your Mystic Eyes
Your innocent smiling face, breaking down
Only you have that sign within your eyes
The unending journey is starting, my heart won't stop racing
I want to carry you away.
Why is she special to me? -- Do I like her? -- I want to protect her. -- From what? -- I want to take her away from all this fighting. -- And then? I want…
"I want you!"
Oh, shit. I gulped and felt my face flush some more.
"Eh?"
Was that a good "eh" or a bad "eh"? What do I say? "Your, your…"
"What the?"
I finally gathered enough courage and decided that I need more clues, to turn around and take a peak at her reaction. She's rigid with embarrassment and shock. I'm not sure she liked that. My resolution is flagging. Think, Van Slanzer de Vanel, think!
"I want your power!" Yes, that's it! That's a believable way out, isn't it? Oh, God, why did I open my mouth in the first place? "Let's defeat Zaibach together! To defeat them, I need your power – the power of Atlantis. Escaflowne might be able to do even more incredible things! So I need your help. Please!"
I can't believe she slapped me again.