New Love, Old Moon
a screenplay by mradrz4evr
(open on moonlit forest path, edward and bella are walking side by side in lover-ly fashion)
B: sigh Well, it wasn't easy, but our relationship is finally steady. My life is in control, the sky is grey, the grass is frostbitten, and everything is as it should be!
(they sit on log, lean lovingly on each other)
E: sigh Lets break up!
B: What?
E: It was never meant to be.
B: Huh?
E: It's me not you.
B: Sob?
E: I'm gone!
(obviously, he's gone)
B: NOOOOO!!!!!!! (collapses on ground, beats fists on ground, falls asleep on ground, drools slightly on ground.)
Eight Hours Later...
B: sniffle Why hasn't anyone come and got me yet? (gets up, walks back to house. Inside, Charlie and Billy are having coffee.)
C: Then I was like, hello?, cop!, and she was like, hello?, hooker!, and we were like...
B: DAD!
C: Oh, hi whats-her-face! I was just telling Billy how I met your mother.
awkward silence
Billy: (wheels out of room quickly, leaves tire burns on floor)
B: Why didn't you pick me up!?!!
C: Well girly, I don't really tend to notice when you're gone for unusually long expanses of time. Now I know you're probably thinking, "fault!", but hey, you might come to appreciate it someday. It's not that I'm careless, it's just that I care less...
B: Ugh!Myboyfriendbrokeupwithme!!!!IthinkI'llhavearampageofdestruction!!!!depression!!!!anddanger-signs!!!
(Bella storms up stairs sobbing)
C: Hm. Women. (starts watching the Celtics v. Lakers)
ONE MONTH LATER:
B: Hi dad.
C: Hi Bella.
TWO MONTHS LATER:
B: Hi
C: (throwing popcorn bowl at screen) STEVIE WONDER COULD'VE CALLED THAT!! KILL THE REF!!!
B: Ermf.
FIVE MONTHS LATER:
B: grunt
C: grunt
SIX MONTHS LATER:
B: grunt
C:...
B: Ahem. Grunt.
C:...
B: GRUNT!!!
C:...
B: sigh
TOO MUCH LONGER TO MATTER ANY LONGER:
TV: And it's good! It's good! That's our season, folks! Now, to our less-covered sport- Bog Diving! Here we have Elvis Pretzlinsky preparing to submerge...
C: Thinking: Hm. Seasons over. Now to check the damage. (surveys inch of dust over all furniture, rotting heap of junk food and aluminum cans in corner, random feral cats yowling about house, malnourished/disturbed daughter huddled in corner of sofa.
C: Note to self: Replace daughter with housekeeper. Call animal control Hire personal trainer...
Daughter! Get out of the house and socialize!
B: You're alive!
C: Out!
(Bella scurries out of house, followed by Charlie brandishing broom)
C: Wait!? I can't even afford a housekeeper! I have a small-country sheriff's salary! Come back!
(Bella runs to junkyard)
B: sits down on old motorcycle Hm. Motorcycle. Did Charlie ever mention not liking these before...before...before...sobs wildly
(Jacob Black enters)
J: Before what?
B: gasp Jacob Black, who for some odd reason makes me think about Edward!
J: Edward? Oh, you mean that guy you were going out with!
B: Bursts into floods of tears
J: Ah! No! Stop crying! I'll...uh...wash your car!
B: ANGUISH!!!!
J: Shine your shoes!? Rebel against my father!? Love you unconditionally!? Fix that bike!??!!
B: stops crying abruptly Well, scratch that first, but heck yeah!
J: Okay. Lets get that bike to my place.
(they walk slowly out of junkyard)
B: Thinking: Wow, he's really grown up. That strange sensor of mine tells me he has a hotness potential of 89. Doesn't top...well...THE OTHER ONE'S 99, but stil...
J: Thinking: Why is she staring at me like that? I'm what, sixteen for crying out loud! It's not like I'm going to age ten years overnight...right? Right???
TWO WEEKS LATER:
J: Soo... (they sit awkwardly in garage. Bella stares blankly at Jacob, Jacob stares back with uncomfortable expression)
B:...
J: Oh, would you look at that! (gestures wildly toward fixed-up bike) Done! It's done!
B: That's great Jacob! You are SO talented...
J: Hehe. Thanks. smiles warily
B: Teach me to ride it!!
J: Look, it's late. Very, very late.
B: Then lets go to a movie!
J: Okay. How about "A Heart of the River"?
B: Nah. I was thinking more along the lines of "Gorefest Pt. IIV"
J: HAHA!
B:...
J: Heh. He... Well, okay, if you want to...stares at eager Bella
AT THE MOVIE THEATERS:
MOVIE: And just when you thought it was safe to come out of the iron maiden...
J: Did they really have to eat his head that slowly? And the instant replay after that?
B: Great, isn't it!? And good thing we conned Mike Newton into coming.
MN: SWEET MOTHER OF HIKING SUPPLIES!!!! clings desperately to Jacob
J: Urgh. shifts toward Bella
B: Oh, Jacob.
J: Heh. Sorry. Thinking: Not too sorry though. Sure, she's more than a tad morbid, but hey, I ain't picky!
MN: Sorry, man. Not too sorry though, man. Everything I ever dreamed, and oh, so, so much more...
AFTER MOVIE
B: Wow, that was great!
J: Yeah. Who'd ever thought there were that many ways to dismember random people?
MN: Must...go home...die... leaves on verge of passing out
J: Hey, it's already dark out!
B: Jacob...sultry look
J: Yes, Bella? ditto
B: I wanna motorcycle now!!!
J: Urgh. Something tells me I should avoid delving deeper into this obviously demanding and apparently doomed relationship.,,
B: I'll let you have the other bike...
J: Sure!!!!
ON SOME FORESTED HIGHWAY
(bella is sitting on bike, jacob is on bike beside her)
J: Now, lets go through this one more time...
B: hits gas, drives away at top speed
J: Bella!!!!! drives after her
B: Ah, the feeling of wind in my hair, the smell of smoke in my tracks, the sight of a deer STANDING BLINDLY IN FRONT OF MY FAST-MOVING VEHICLE!!!! swerves, CRASHES
J: stopping Bella! Are you---
B: bleeding profusely Jacob! Help!
J: Ugh. gets off bike I don't feel so good. trips over own feet I think I'll go...hmm...lie down...
(jacob walks away, bella lies collapsed in heap beside bike)
B: WHY DOESN'T ANYBODY EVER RESCUE ME!!!
Meph.: walking slowly down road Hey.
B: Uh, hi (?).
Meph.: Nice bike. Maybe you'll ride for me someday.
B: In case you haven't noticed, I can't exactly "ride" for anybody. Bones just a tad broken. Sorry.
Meph.: I can fix your bones...
B: Oh, that's great!
Meph.: Just give me...uh...your soul!
B: Wha?
(Mephisto whips out contract, pokes Bella in eye)
B: OUCH!!!! MOMENTARY BLINDNESS!!!!
(Smacks her in head with contract, runs away)
B: Get back here, you little devil, you!
Sam Uley: Hey.
B: Where did you come from? Did you see him!!??
Sam Uley: See who?
B: Never mind...
Sam Uley: Look, I'm probably never going to have any real importance in the plot of this movie, but I just wanted to clear a few things up prior.
B: dazed expression
Sam Uley: See, I'm not evil-
B: I never said you were!
Sam Uley: -and I definitely don't mean anyone any harm. In fact, while there is no real evidence to it, I'm doing great things for our community. You never really say sorry to me after all the situations we will experience, but I just wanted to clarify that, for all the selfish acts you commit and people you unwittingly offend, I forgive you.
B: ...
Sam Uley: Well, bye!
(Sam Uley walks away, Bella sits up abruptly)
B: Okay. So, in one night, I've managed to attend a film, take unsuccessful motorcycling lessons, reconcile with a character I've never met, and quite possibly sell my soul to a character from another movie! Something tells me this will become a recurrent theme...
(Gets up with bikes, drives away in car.)
TWO DAYS LATER:
TV: And in local news, son of Hiking Supplies Misc. owner, Mike Newton, was reportedly found ripped to shreds in front of his suburban home. Funeral arrangements will not be bothered, since the guy disappears in book 3 anyway...
C: Wow. One day you're selling canteens, the next you're ripped to smithereens...
B: Shouldn't you have investigated that?
C: Ah, whats-her-face, que sera, sera.
B: And what about Jacob?
C: Jacob! Who you of course intend to marry and settle down with at the age of twenty-five upon completing college and attaining a steady nine-to-five job, later having lots of babies so I don't feel so lonely and insecure about my family life!!??
B: ...
C: He's fine.
B: shuffle
C: stares intently
B: shuffles out door
(bella drives to reservation. embry, paul, jacob and sam are huddled in group fashion. Loud Baha-Men music plays in background.)
Sam Uley: And THAT is why we sniff each other's butts. Thanks for clarifying, Paul.
B: ...
Group Simultaneously: BELLA!
B: frozen in place
J: Sit!
(group sits)
J: Stay!
(ditto)
J: Bella, you can't be here!
B: Why not?
J: Can't...explain...jerks in odd fashion
long, long, long silence
B: Alrighty then! I'll just...uh (notices staring group) ...come back later...
Group Simultaneously: NO!
everyone stares
J: Uh...I'll come see you!
B: Great. Heh. So. See you..smiles uncertainly
Group Simultaneously: Bye Bella...each smiles identically
B: Oh my gosh. It's like attack of the clones, but I love the clones! I mean, the clone! Dang it!
LATER IN BELLA'S ROOM
Radio: I saw a werewolf drinking a pina colada at trader vicks...his hair was perfect...
(loud knocking on the window)
B: opens window AHHH!!!! IT'S VICTORIA!!!!!
V: Crap! faces imaginary audience Wrong chapter, everybody! Just forget I was ever here! jumps into forest
J: Hey, Bella, somebody was just climbing up your window!
(Jacob is standing in doorway)
B: Oh, how did you get up here?
J: I just asked your Dad. After all, it would be kind of creepy and stalker if I just leapt through your window to come see you late at night, right?
B: Hehe..., yeah, sure...
J: Anyway...I...urm...well...
B: earnest Yes, Jake...?
J: REMEMBER THAT TIME WHEN WE WERE ON THE BEACH AND I WAS TALKING TO YOU AND YOU WERE TALKING TO ME AND WE WERE TALKING AND THEN YOU WERE LIKE "TELL ME A STORY" AND I WAS LIKE "OKAY" AND WE WERE TALKING ABOUT THE LEGENDS WITH THE TWO THINGS THAT WERE FIGHTING AND MAYBE THEY REALLY WERE REAL AND----insert loud choking noises----GRAA!!!!!!
B: Ah!!!! Do you need some water or something?
J: AAAHH-- Oh, sure, actually. Thanks.
(They pause for a momentary water break)
J: wipes mouth That was just what I needed. Thanks again. Anyway, SO JUST THINK IT OVER AND EVENTUALLY IT WILL COME TO YOU AND OH OH OH I AM SO SOSOSOSO SORRY!!!!!
(he runs down stairs making loud, strangled noises, while radio plays...)
Radio: Blue moon...I saw you standin alone...not a care in the world...
B: Hmmm...perhaps, risking the fact that I forget entirely about this whole meeting of ours, I should sleep on it!
DREAM 1#
(They are in the forest of her dreams in the past...)
E: Look into my eyes...
J: Bella! Bel--
MN: OH I WISH I WAS IN THE LAND OF COTTON! OLD TIMES THERE ARE NOT FORGOTTEN!
(Edward, Jacob and Mike form can-can line)
E/J/MN: LOOK AWAY!! LOOK AWAY!! LOOK AWAY!! DIXIE LAND!!!!!!
B: What???
(NSYNC style dance formation, Edward in front)
E: If I...
J/MN: I-i-i-ff heee...
E: Shou-old staaaayyyyyy...
J/MN: Sho-o-o-uld stay!
E: I'll only be in, your waaaayyyyy...
J/MN: oooooooooooooooohh...
E: AND I...WILLLL ALWAAAYS LOOOOVE YOOOOOOUUU!!!!
B: No! Wait! This is all wrong!!
DREAM #2
(Everyone is on tropical beach)
C: Yoyoyo! It's SPRING BREAK!!!!!
crowd cheers loudly
MN: AND GIRLS! THEY WANNA HAVE FU-UN!!! OH-H GIRLS JUST WANNA HAVE FUN!!!!
(Edward and Jake go-go dance in background)
MN: IF YOU WANNA BE MY LOVER, YOU GOTTA GET WITH MY FRIENDS!!! MAKE IT LAST FOREVER!!!! FRIENDSHIP NEVER ENDS!!!!!
B: IT"S LIKE ALL MY WORST NIGHTMARES IN ALL CAPS!!!!!
scene suddenly disappears, forest reappears.
DREAM #3
E: hisssss
MN: Run, Bella!!
J: Bella, run! You have to run!
B: There we go now!
(Suddenly, Edward is on drums, Jacob on lead guitar, and a chorus of Mike Newton clones stands behind)
J: Each mornin' I get up, I die a little, CAN BARELY STAND ON MY FEET!!!
MNewtons: TAKE A LOOK AT YOURSELF!! IN THA MIRROR!!! AND CRY!!!
J: I spend all my years and believe in you, but ah just can't get no relief, LORD! SOMEBODY!
MNewtons: SOMEBODY! SOMEBODY!
J: SOMEBODY TO LOVE!!!!
(Edward smashes guitar in apparent frustration with Jacob)
J: Thank you, thank you very much! You're all great! (addressing audience of Bella and screaming, MN fangirls)
B: My head hurts...
J: This one goes out to my girl, Bella, who can't figure out incredibly obvious situations! Love ya babe!
(Several Fangirls-Newton faint)
J: Oh I guess you could call me a werewolf...
It doesn't mean nothing at all...
In spite of our bad reputation
To face us, our enemies fall!
I'll give, it's untrue
We don't howl at the moon
If I bite you
A curse could be due...
But I am a werewolf
Entirely werewolf
That's what I was trying to teeeellll yoooouuuuu!
MNfangirl: JACOB I LOVE YOU!!!!
B: waking up abruptly That's it!!!
J: Now you've got it!
B: AAARK!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE???
J: Oh, I dunno. I was bored. Plus, you left your radio on. I love Queen!
B: But...that means...
J: Hm? Oh, right. Yeah, I'm a werewolf.
B: AHHHHH!!!!!!
J:...
B: HHH--- Oh. Not full moon, is it?
J: Oh, actually, I can change at will.
B: AHHHHHH!!!!!!
J: checks watch
B: HHH--- You don't actually intend to kill me, do you?
J: Nah.
B: Wow. Relief!
J: It's quite confusing. I didn't understand it entirely at the time. In fact, I think I might have killed Mike Newton on the way home---
B: YAY! I ALWAYS WANTED A DOGGIE!!!
J: Urgh...
B: Now! Do it!
J: Well, Bella, I really shouldn't...
B: bambi eyes
J: Okay...but I have to go outside.
B: You do that! (mutters excitedly to self about what to "name the puppy" as Jacob leaps out window)
J: ARROOO!
C: (from downstairs) Those dang wolves again! Good thing I loaded my gun!
J: Yipe!
B: Don't worry Jake! I'll walk you later!!
ONE WEEK LATER...
(at Emily's house)
Sam Uley: Jake, this isn't how things are supposed to work, okay?
J: Yeah, I know...
Sam Uley: Look at yourself!
(oh, Jake is wearing a pink, rhinestone studded collar)
Paul: Hehehhe...
Sam Uley: Understand this much- if she keeps this up- and I mean the hair-brushing too- we have to keep her out of the reservation. For the good of the pack.
J: sulk
B: Jakey boy! I found your favorite comb!!
J: Grrrr...
THAT NIGHT IN BELLA'S ROOM:
B: Ah... life really is good. The sky is still gray, the grass is still frostbitten, but I have a boyfriend type person, a pet, and a healthy lifestyle! Plus, I can finally stop thinking about those darn-
Alice: Bella!
B: CULLENS!!!!
Alice: We have to hurry! Edward is in trouble!
B: Bu-b-but-b-b...?
Alice: Come with me!
ON AIRPLANE:
B: Okay, Alice, explanations please?
Alice: Well, you see, Edward left for your own good. He, as you already knew, never wanted you to become a vampire, and thought you would get over him eventually.
B: But, I-
Alice: Which of course you didn't!
B: Gr.
Alice: So Rosalie was feeling exceptionally like herself and told him you killed yourself. So he's going to kill himself with a suicide death wish on the Volturi, who live in Europe, where we are going right now to try to prevent such a horrible tragedy!
B: Why can't we just kill Rosalie to prevent any future problems?
Alice: ...
B: Oh, right. Well, somehow I feel that the Volturi, who must be a group of ancient vampires, might not be accepting of my human status. How bout you just bite me now? Bite me!!
Alice: Well, you know Edward was always worried that it would be akin to cursing your soul to eternal damnation. After all, you wouldn't willingly sell your soul to the devil!!
B: Crap! It wasn't my fault!
Alice: Oh look, we're landing!
(in parking lot of airport)
Alice: Sweet! A porsche! That should...hmmm...
B: What?
Alice: Well, from that time we wasted buying souvinirs in the lobby gift shop and waiting in line for a pretzel...
B: You and your stupid pretzel...
Alice: We'll be much too late. No chance of getting there on time to save his life.
B: Hey! What's my motorcycle doing here?
(for some random reason, jumps on motorcycle)
B: Dang! It's like I can't get off! This can't be good...
Alice: What's that evil laughing noise?
Meph.: Hello Bella.
B: Hey! It's you!
Meph.: Nice bike.
B: Why are you here?
Meph.: Oh, I've always been here, all along. Your street...a couple yards away on the next street...the quick mart at the gas station...you might say I'm your biggest fan!
B: Kind of creepy. Go on.
Alice: Wait, you don't mean to tell me you actually sold your soul!? To the...well...who are you exactly?
Meph.: Mephistopheles.
Alice: And I thought Isabella was a mouthful!
B: Hello! Still here! Can't get off this freaking bike!
Alice: Got any kids, Mep?
Meph.: Actually, that's why I'm here. My boy- Blackheart. Good kid and all- just a bit, well, pure evil-ish. He's in Italy right now, on vacay. Thought I might cash in my little pats Bella on frustrated head investment here while y'all were heading in that direction.
Alice: Seems reasonable enough.
B: WAIT! NO! I'M NOT YOUR SLAVE!!!!
Meph.: No, sorry, doesn't really work like that nowadays. You're under contract.
B: What contract?
Meph.: Whacked you over the head with it. Anyhoo, if you succeed, you get your soul back...
B: Well, I was kind of going to lose that battle anyway...
Meph.: And, whether you want to do it or not---
B: I DON'T WANNA-- oh, pardon.
Meph.: Thanks. As I was saying, you don't have a choice, and...leans in dramatically...you're mine, Isabella Swan.
B: Actually, I'm--
Alice: Edward's!
B: Well, Jake's, as of recent.
Alice: WHAT!!??
Meph.: I don't have time for this!! (Motorcycle starts revving wildly, Alice jumps on back as bewildered Bella guides it toward the freeway.
(THEY SPEED AT INCREDIBLY FAST PACE ALONG HIGHWAY, catching fire with things as they pass)
B: Aren't there laws against this kind of thing???
Alice: Hey, I'm not the one driving! WOOHOOOOOO!!!!
LATER...
B: Oh my gosh! I think I killed a squirrel!!!
Alice: You didn't see that crosswalk last time, I don't get what you're so worked up about!
(speed bump hits)
B/Alice: DAAAAAANNNNNGGGG IIIIITTTTT!!!!!/ YEAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
AT CITY:
B: Hey! I can get off the motorcycle now!
Alice: Hm. That's nice.
B: Is it hot here, or is it just me?
Alice: Sorry. Bloodless.
B: You know, Jacob said he felt hot when he became a werewolf. Maybe THAT'S my problem!
Blackheart: Actually, it's because you're the spirit of vengeance.
B: AAAAHHH!!!! Who are you?
Blackheart: Read the name label, sweetie. Oh now--- who do we have here???
slinks over to mildly interested Alice
Blackheart: Baby, are you wearing your space pants today?
Alice: ...?
B: I'M ON FIRE! OH MY GOSH I'M ON FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Blackheart: Cause your butt looks out of this world!
Alice: mmmmMMH!
(they make out poignantly whilst burning Bella looks on)
Blackheart: Honey, you must be lost.
Alice: Mmmm?
Blackheart: Cause it's a long way from heaven!
kissykissy
B: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Alice: Oh, Bella, you've caught flame.
Blackheart: Don't mind her. Lets go to Vegas! Get married! Make this thing official!
Alice: OH, I know just the place!! Bye Bella! Good luck with Edward and all!
B: Vengeance, likely unbeknownst to Blackheart, has been served. (flames leave abruptly)
Frightened tour guide: And...th-th-that...is...well, I don't know w-what that was, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!!!!
B: To the square!! rides motorcycle away
(IN TOWN SQUARE)
(Edward is standing in middle of square under overcast sky)
E: Alas, it seems my love has passed from this life. My heartbeat slows even now...well, I can't really talk, but metaphorically...
B: Edward!!!
E: Whagaroma---?
B: It's me, Bella! Please don't do this!
E: But of our love, my dearest! I fear it could never work. I can't put your very soul on the line, o' my beloved!
B: Urk. That might be hard to explain...
E: Hark! The ending bells, they calleth to me like the sweetest siren song!
B: You numbskull! Get over here!
(head goes on fire, yanks shocked Edward to shadows in sight of horrified tourists)
E: BELLA!!!! YOUR HEAD!!!!!
B: Is on fire, yes, I am aware. unflames
E: I think I saw this in a movie before...
B: Are we done with the Shakespearean dialect?
E: Yeah. Sorry about that. It's been a rough few months.
B: Aren't you one to talk...
E: Look, I only did this to help you! But it almost killed us both.
B: Duh. And you did miss a lot.
E: What? What did I miss?
B: Well, for one, your sister ran off with the son of the devil...
E: WHAT?
B: And, on a similar note, I was intended to kill him. Thus, the flames.
E: Oh crap.
B: Tell me about it!
E: No, it's the Volturi!!
Volturi: Come with us...
IN THE VOLTURI COUNCIL CHAMBER TYPE PLACE:
E: Look, bottom line, I love a human and have every intention of changing her, so I would let us leave before...well...
B: Before I burn your freaking vampire heads off.
Jane: PAIN INFLICTION!!!!!
E: AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!
B: I can let that slide. He deserved it.
Aro: Alrighty then! We'll pop in for a hello sometime, and you can just go on your merry way! Get her out of here! Mephisto's been after me for years ever since that once, magical night...
E: Wow. That was sick enough.
Aro: GO!!!!
B: Thanks.
(IN THE PLANE)
E: Together at last, we are...
B: Well, pardon me for not fawning, but I AM a bit upset.
Meph.: sitting in seat beside Edward So how did you get rid of my son?
B: He's getting hitched right about now.
Meph.: What?
B: Believe me, there are many things worse than death. Alice is one.
E: I second that motion
B: Shut up.
E: okay...
Meph.: Well, you can get your soul back now, I guess.
B: Great. But I actually want to keep the head flaming trick. And why? stands up in airplane BECAUSE I'M TIRED OF BEING THE IDIOTIC, KLUTZY, FAWNING LITTLE NARRATOR OF THIS OTHERWISE BRILLIANT STORY!!!
E: Come to think of it, you would be one hot little vampiress.
Bella forgets all sense of self-confidence, self-reliance, and any reasoning she might have earned in her leave of Edward
B: Oh my beautiful, way too good for me, Eddy-weddy-meddy-deddy-kins!!!!!
Meph.: I'm out. I have stunt bikers to harass.
B: And besides, I have a pet to care for now! That's enough for me.
E: What is it?
B: Werewolf. Jacob Black.
E: cries out to heavens NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!