The morning heat was oppressive as Daniel made another dreaded trip to the hospital. He was tired from working late the night before and no amount of coffee was going to help. The scorching air made his weary eyes feel like sandpaper and his chambray shirt was stuck to his aching back as he made the dismal walk from his car to the hospital entrance. Sitting at the bedside of a dying child was akin to being tortured by any System Lord you could name, hands down!
As he trudged into the pediatric wing, he thought, 'I hate the smell of this place. Why do all hospitals smell the same? A gross combination of rubbing alcohol, floor cleaner, feces and urine.'
The door to the room was closed but he could still hear the beeping sounds that he knew so well from his own experiences in the infirmary at the base. The heart monitor slowly beat the death toll of doom. He'd give anything not to have to go through that door, but he'd promised. He wasn't about to let Ellen and Jim down.
He crossed the threshold into the harsh reality of impending death. The darkened room almost felt claustrophobic, like the acrid, smoke filled stench in the hallway of a mother ship after a battle.
Ellen looked up and smiled kindly at Daniel as she reached for him with her cold hands.
"Daniel, I'm so glad you're here. I know how much you mean to Jimmy. He's crazy about you." She sounded so hopeful. "He's breathing a little easier. If we can get a heart donor soon, maybe he'll make it."
He gave Ellen a kiss on the cheek and said, "We can hope." Was that realistic? Maybe not. Yet he didn't have the heart to destroy her confidence. But, getting a donor meant someone else's baby would have to die. This was a no win situation; a desperate conflict in ethics.
Daniel mournfully turned toward the bed and the awful reality was like a slap in the face. He almost gasped out loud at the sight of this little, fevered body before him. Jimmy was so pale, so white that he almost seemed to blend in with the sheets. The only color was two little red spots on Jimmy's cheeks from his too high temperature. The ventilator was doing all the breathing, now. His red curls were damp with sweat and he was holding on to Jim's finger. Daniel looked at Jim and saw him shake his head no. Jim seemed to have aged 20 hard years overnight.
Ellen stood staring out the window at the shimmering heat waves dancing off the top of the building next door. She was lost in her own world, seemingly oblivious to her surroundings.
Daniel whispered to Jim, "Can't they do anything?"
"No. They've tried all the medications they think will help but he's not responding. Daniel, he's dying." Jim's eyes were full of tears.
"I'm sorry, Jim. I know what you're going through. I lost my wife a few years ago and I know this is hard." Daniel remembered all to well.
Ellen returned to Daniel's side with a remote look in her soft, brown eyes. Daniel could understand her not wanting to deal with reality. Jimmy didn't have long and he was worried for her well-being. Jim seemed sturdier but that could just be an illusion so that he could remain strong for his wife.
Why did they want him here? He can't do anything? He can't save their son? This life that has just begun is about to end and he's totally helpless to stop it. What god would allow this to happen to a child who had everything to look forward to in life and at the same time let the Goa'uld exist? The Goa'uld were the picture of all that is wrong in the universe and yet they live? Why?
'Hold it together, Jackson. They don't need to see your anger.'
Taking a deep breath, he leaned over the bed and reached for Jimmy's other hand. The IV left bruises that showed in stark contrast to the fragile, almost translucent skin. Daniel caressed the fingers and struggled to hold his grief together.
As he looked at the monitor, he noticed that Jimmy's heartbeat was irregular with little skips and starts. Jim was right. It won't be long.
"Hey, little guy." Daniel spoke 27 languages and had a Ph.D. in Linguistics and he didn't have a clue what to say at the moment. He'd gotten so attached to Jimmy - much more so than any of the other kids he'd visited here at Memorial. He looked into Jimmy's angelic face as the baby gazed up at Daniel and gave him a heart rending smile. Recognition was definitely there in those little blue eyes, despite the high fever and obvious discomfort. Daniel couldn't help but grin back in helpless adoration. Jimmy gave Daniel's' finger a slight squeeze that could be felt all the way into Daniel's warm heart.
Just then, alarms shrieked out that indicated the worst of all dire possibilities. Jimmy's eyes stared sightlessly into Daniel's own and then Daniel heard Ellen screaming for help. He saw the flat line on the monitor as a nurse rushed in with the doctor but he knew it was over.
Ellen started to drop and Daniel caught her around the waist as she folded. She was as pale as her white blouse, all color gone from her face. He held her close as he realized that she would never read bedtime stories to her baby again. Never play games and sing songs with him. And never watch him grow up. Jim hurried around to their side of the bed and helped her to the chair. The nurse crouched down and checked Ellen and thankfully, she was okay. What a relief! Daniel stepped back to give them room as she recovered and started to sob.
He turned away and thought, 'I can't stand this.' Daniel watched a Styrofoam cup of coffee slowly spread across the floor from a forgotten cup that Ellen had dropped. He stared at it in a detached way, almost hypnotized by the spreading puddle as it slowly expanded. Nothing seemed real.
He heard the doctor announce the time of death and another nurse removed the IV and shut off the monitor, moving it into the corner.
'This feels surreal, like a nightmare. With all modern medicine has to offer, can't they come up with something better?' His hands were shaking so badly, he shoved them into his pockets.
Ellen was watching the nurse and Daniel finally shook himself out of his dark disposition and turned to look at her. He knew what she was going through. He'd been there before, more than once. The anger and numbness hadn't set in yet, but it would. It had for him, eventually, and she would need help when it happened to her.
"I want to hold my baby," Ellen said as she looked up to Jim as if asking for his permission. Jim nodded the affirmative.
Daniel asked, "Would you like me to bring him to you?"
"Please, Daniel. I need to hold him."
He turned and carefully picked up Jimmy and held him close. This child of promise had slipped earth's bonds and floated away. This tiny body that barely weighed anything is all that remained. He kissed Jimmy's damp forehead and then turned to Ellen and gently placed him in her arms tucking Jimmy's favorite yellow baby blanket around his cold little arms and legs. As he watched them, he thought, 'This is just wrong in so many ways.'
Daniel's heart was breaking as he watched Ellen rock Jimmy and sing him one last lullaby. All of a sudden, he felt like an intruder. This was their private time, a time to be together as a family and they didn't need him anymore. He looked at Jim and received another nod and watched him mouth the words, 'Thank You.'
He wiped his sore eyes and quietly left the room. Seeing Jimmy's eyes go blank as he died was an image that would be burned into his memory for eternity. Feeling sick, Daniel ran to the men's room across the hall and said goodbye to his breakfast. Weakly, he pulled himself up off the floor and washed his face at the sink. Looking up into the mirror, he saw the face of a stranger. Red, swollen eyes and a white, pale face greeted him. He leaned on the sink for a minute and took a deep breath before he left the room.
As he slowly headed for the elevators, he noticed the halls were full of busy people going about their business as if everything was just fine. He wanted to shout to them, 'Hey! What's the matter with you people? Jimmy just died. Don't you care?' How could everything look so normal when the Anderson's were in that room holding their dead baby?'
'Why do I bother? There are plenty of days when I like coming in. Days when I can play with the kids and tell them stories about aliens from outer space and Egyptian princes and princesses. And then there are days where the phone rings and I dread what I'm asked to do. Can I keep it up? '
It was so hard but this was a way of reminding himself what he was fighting for. It was his way to keep them all safe. And he knew there will be other times like this. Not all hospital visits result in healthy, happy babies going home. But he would be back. He had to.
There was a lump in his throat when he stepped out of the elevator. He saw Sam in the lobby and quickly turned around to face the other way. 'Why did she have to be here, now, of all times? ' If she saw him she would know right away that something bad had happened.
He hurried out the door and across the baking surface of the parking lot. The car felt like an oven as he started the engine but he didn't feel like waiting for it to cool down so he hit the electric window switch and took off. He noticed Sam coming out the door, searching the lot for him and he hoped she hadn't seen him. He just wanted to go home and be by himself for a while. If he could just get there, he'd be okay. As he drove away he noticed the dark sky and heard thunder in the distance. Great! A perfect match for his lousy mood!
Sam followed Daniel to his house and approached the porch. The front door was open and she could hear things breaking inside. She watched, dumbstruck, as Daniel walked across the room and hurled an artifact at the wall and saw it shatter. He shouted, "Damn it! Why did this have to happen? This is so wrong!" He picked up a half full coffee cup and threw it at a mirror. The coffee flew in a liquid, amber arc and splattered against the wall. Glass was everywhere.
Should she go in? She hadn't seen him get violent very often but something was definitely wrong and he was her very close friend. She opened the door quietly and stepped inside.
Daniel grabbed another vase, something very old, and held it in his shaking hands. He didn't notice Sam standing by the front door. All he could think of was the unfairness of life as he turned around and smashed the vase against the wall. He didn't even notice that his hand was cut and blood was running down his arm and off his elbow.
He moved out onto the patio and was standing in the pouring rain. The wind was howling and he was soaked to the skin in no time, blue jeans and shirt getting heavier by the minute from the rain water. He was breathing hard and the lightning and thunder matched his mood of dark despair.
He heard someone behind him and turned toward the sound. It was Sam. Why did she have to follow him? Why now?
"Daniel, what happened? Talk to me." She had grabbed a towel and wrapped it around his hand.
He looked down and finally noticed the towel turning red and his hand started stinging. "I'm sorry, Sam. I want you to go. I can't talk about it right now."
"Daniel, please? Let me help you. Your hand might need stitches. I'll drive you to the hospital."
"NO! Get out and leave me alone!" Daniel glared at her and then turned away. Why didn't she get it? He didn't want to be rude but this was just too much right now.
And then more quietly, he pleaded, "Please Sam, just go."
She stood there in his dining room, aching to go near and comfort him but she reluctantly turned to leave. At the door, she turned back to the man she cared so much for and said, "I know you're angry Daniel but I also know it's not me you're mad at. When you're ready to talk, I'll be there for you."
She walked out of the house feeling heartsick but she also knew that he had always turned to her before and he would again when he was ready. And she would always be there for him.
Daniel watched her leave with mixed emotions. He really didn't want to hurt Sam but he couldn't talk about this yet. Maybe in a few days. He needed time and hopefully, she'd understand and forgive him.
The bleeding stopped so he got out the first aid kit and wrapped some gauze around his hand and then changed his clothes. As he started to clean up the mess, he picked up a larger piece of pottery and looked at it carefully. 'I really shouldn't have smashed this. This piece was 6,000 years old.' All of a sudden he decided it could wait. He grabbed his keys and ran through the rain to his car.
Sha're had always liked flowers. There weren't many in the desert on Abydos so that made them even more special. He placed them gently on her tombstone. This was his private place- his memorial to her that he had had made for her. It was just for the two of them. No one else knew about it and as far as he was concerned, no one would. It was a good place to go where he knew nobody would find him when he wanted to get away and be alone.
The rain had stopped and Daniel noticed the air was cooler as he sat on the wet ground in front of the marker and thought about Jimmy. His grief was doubled when he thought about what might have been. He'd never told anyone that Sha're had lost their child during that magical year together. How old would his baby be if he or she had lived? Three? No, four. He could just picture the scene. A sweet little girl sitting on his lap while he tells her stories about aliens from outer space and Egyptian princes and princesses.
As he watched the approaching evening go into twilight, he sighed. He was really tired. Tired of killing Goa'uld and tired of saving the planet. But, he would keep going, keep fighting for all the Jimmy's out there. And all the little girls and their parents. And for his own little princess who would never be.
The End