Spencer Complains

Disclaimer: I don't own iCarly

A/N: This was inspired after seeing so many Spencer/underage kid romances. It's kind of a fun little thing I'm putting up, satire if you will, I'm not sure if it's breaking the fourth wall or not because he'll be talking through iCarly and the show's already done something with fans and stuff like that. This is kind of his reaction to certain stories with him romantically involved with the underage kids and so forth. There's a hilarious twist in the end, I think you'll find it amusing actually, I try to lighten it up with humor involving his girlfriend. So read and enjoy ^_^. Don't take it too seriously, though, okay? It's not meant to be taken seriously. Though feel free to write more Spencer/Sasha XD

-BEGIN THE ONESHOT-

Curiosity grasped Spencer as he listened to Carly reading out the reviews of a webshow she'd recently done. A fan had brought forward a site called , he recognized it and it brought a smile to his lips. Back in 1999, when it first came out, he was a regular browser and writer of stories there. The very first fandom on the site had been in the X-Files, and the first stories had been put up by an author named Red Valerian. "Sense and Insensibility" was his favorite by that author. He often wondered where that author was now, but it had been so many years, even he hadn't been on the site since 2002, when he turned 21 he actually started doing other things that were more important.

His girlfriend sat next to him on the couch, she turned her eyes towards him with a smile. "Spencer, you were on the site at one time weren't you?" Sasha asked. He'd been dating her again for a while now, but that was a story for another time.

"Yeah, I wrote some stuff for the X-Files, loved that show…" His sister looked back and raised her eyebrow. She was eyeing him suspiciously and had the fanfiction site up on her browser.

"The guy was right, fans of our webshow do a lot of writing about us. Including you…" He moved his head back and chuckled, that was a shock, considering he wasn't really ever on iCarly that much. "They actually have two stories about you and Sasha as a couple!" His brow furrowed and he stared at the blank television screen in front of him. He felt Sasha lift her head up from his shoulder, possibly confused as well. Only two stories? Well that was hardly fair. "There's a lot of Sam and Freddie, a lot of Freddie and me, ew…some of myself with Gibby…" He gagged as Carly shuddered the thought. "Moving away from that, it seems you're popular in the fandom, Spencer! Especially the, uh…romance section."

Spencer laughed and pat Sasha's shoulder, he knew he shouldn't be too proud, especially if the fans didn't write much about his actual girlfriend. "I'm sorry Sasha, I'm curious." She shrugged and leaned forward, grabbing her soda from the coffee table. He couldn't help but to feel a little guilty, he would be getting nothing from her tonight. So, in that case, he figured he may as well just continue on. She'd get him back for it anyway. "How popular?"

Sasha scornfully sipped her soda and stared blankly at the screen in front of her. "Can't believe you're interested."

"You know I love you and only you, Sasha."

"Yeah, well apparently your adoring fans have some other things to say about that."

"Aw, does their opinion matter that much? Yo Carly, you didn't answer, how do they write my romances?" He looked over to her and saw her staring wide eyed at the computer, frozen in place. "Carly?" Carly quickly shut the laptop and turned around, gazing sickly at her brother. He raised his eyebrow and studied her closely, she was pale, yet had a slight green tint. "Hey alien? What have you done with my baby sister?"

"Nothing! You're not popular in the fandom, I was wrong! Sorry! Never look at that site again!"

"Wha-" He watched as she hopped off the chair and ran for the upstairs bathroom. What could have been so bad? He met Sasha's confused gaze and jerked his thumb over to the laptop. "Should I…check?" She shrugged and returned to sipping her soda.

"Do whatever." He winced and rubbed the back of his neck, he hoped she wouldn't be upset with him for being curious. She had been having a bad week, though. Whether she wanted him to know or not, she was apparently on the rag, so he really had to be careful not to piss her off. PMS was a very scary thing.

"It's not like I'm going to actually read them or get any kind of enjoyment out of them, you know. You're still my one and only girlfriend."

"Yeah? Well why don't you see what your fans think about that." He clicked his tongue and slowly opened the laptop. She did have a point, it wasn't impossible to be upset over other people thinking that you weren't right for the one that you loved.

"Sasha, what people think about us being together isn't any of their business. It's our business, because we love each other." He turned his gaze to the screen and the first thing that his eyes saw was "Who cares what they think" by The Littlest Ragamuffin. He raised his eyebrow and read the summary aloud. "Sam and Spencer….what?" He blinked and shook his head as Sasha raised her eyebrow. "Have always wanted to be together, but there's nothing they can do until Sam is eighteen; at least, not legally. But as their emotions become stronger, everything becomes too difficult to deal with. No matter what, they will find a way." His eyes grew large and Sasha immediately appeared at his side with a sadistic grin on her face.

"Holy shit…They put you with Sam. Scoot over." Spencer was too baffled and hardly felt Sasha push him aside and take over the controls. He watched her click the second character and drag it down to Sam's name.

"She's a kid! A fucking kid! And to top it off, she's my baby sister's best friend, that's beyond abnormal! That's disgusting! She-"

"There's 137 stories in the romance section with you and Sam. At least some of them seem to make her wait till eighteen." She clicked on a few and pulled her gaze away. "Though those tend to mention you two having had feelings for each other for some time before she turns eighteen."

"She's…a…kid." Sasha smirked as he continued shaking his head and staring blankly in front of him.

"Who was the one saying his fans' opinions didn't matter?" His head snapped to her and his arms went into the air.

"She's a kid! Okay, the ones where she waits till eighteen might not be horrible, but-"

"There's a lot where you don't…" Spencer smacked his forehead as Sasha started searching some of the other characters. She gasped and cupped her hand over her mouth. He looked at her suspiciously and narrowed his eyes, for a minute it looked like she wasn't going to tell him what she just saw. "Okay don't flip out, there's only like almost 40, but…they have you with Freddie. I'm pretty sure there's some sexual ones too, like we just saw with Sam…"

"F-F-Freddie?" He quickly grabbed the mouse and started glaring at the computer screen, searching through the stories. He began to feel a nauseating feeling coming from his stomach as he slowly turned his head away from the screen. The front door opened and Freddie quickly rushed in.

"Everything okay in here man? Mom and Sam said they heard you yelling."

Spencer's arm flew behind him and he pointed towards the door. "Leave! Leave now! Make sure your girlfriend stays out of here too. Carly!" Carly's head poked down the steps and her face was white as a sheet. "Leave with Freddie this instant!"

"But-"

"No buts! I don't want to hear it!" Carly nodded and quickly shot out the door, grabbing Freddie's shirt sleeve and pulling him out the door. Spencer turned around as Sasha dared to click the back button just to see what it was that got Carly the sickest, and that's when she saw the page with Carly and Spencer romances. Spencer ran his hand through his hair and heard Sasha yelp, he wasted no time getting at his side.

"You don't want to see these, Spencer!"

"Yes I d-" His eyes froze on the first story on the page and his body began to tremble. His face paled and sweat ran down his neck. iTurn Eighteen, by RayLedgend, the summary was as such: Spencer's been waiting for years for this day, but he can't honestly seduce his own sister, can he? Hint: yes he can. Warning: explicit sex of the incest variety. You've been warned, so don't come crying to me about it later.

"At least they put the warning there, right?"

He shook tremendously and scrolled down the page, fifteen romance genre stories. That was only with the romance genre clicked, how many stories out there were not categorized as such, but he was with them? "I…don't give a fuck…if there's a warning…or not…that is just…wrong!" His father would kill him!

"Hey, some of these stories are actually well written…I'm just saying."

"Sasha!" He gaped at her as she swirled around and crossed her arms, smirking triumphantly.

"Now who's in a pissy mood?" He growled and rubbed his hair furiously as he ran for the stairs. "What? Spencer? Spencer!"

"Lock the damn the door!" He ran for the studio, continuously rubbing his hair vigorously. Within minutes, Sasha was in the room with the laptop, watching as he set up the camera and stood in a chair in the center of the room. Sasha lowered her arms, set the computer down, and walked forward.

"Spencer, what are you doing?"

"I have appeared on the webshow, what, a couple of times? No, I'm not having this!"

"Spencer, come on…don't…"

"No! Carly, Sam, and Freddie got to have their say at the webicon when all the Seddie people and Creddie people decided to go insane, and now I'm going to have my say! The fans can either care or not care, I don't give a shit as long as I have my say!"

"Spencer, I think building a sculpture would calm you down."

"It would! I don't want to be calmed down!" She sighed as the recording button came on the camera. He watched as she moved over and sat next to him, opening the laptop. "Are they the only ones?"

"Oh no, not at all…You know Wendy?" He grimaced and waved his hand dismissively in the air.

"Say no more." He cleared his throat and ran his hands through his hair. He really should have come in wearing a suit and tie, because for the first time in years, he felt like a lawyer. He was about to inform the fans what he learned in college, such as Fundamentals of Criminal Law, this was one of the pre-requirement before he could get into Law School. He first put on his crazed, Spencer grin. "Hello iCarly fans! Spencer here!" He laughed maniacally for a brief second, causing Sasha to give him a weird look. Then he cleared his throat and coughed into his hand.

"Okay, seriously now. Here's my opening: Statutory Rape. Most states do not refer specifically to it, rather they use such words as 'Sexual Assault' and 'Sexual Abuse' which identifies such prohibited activity. Regardless, these crimes are based on the premise that until a person reaches a certain age, they are legally incapable of consenting to sexual intercourse. Therefore, instead of including force as a criminal element, these crimes make it illegal for anyone to engage in intercourse with anyone below a certain age, other than his own spouse. The age of consent varies by state, the majority raging from 14 to 18. However, there is most often a certain space between the ages that is allowed, under eighteen, that means anyone at least three years older and above is subject to committing a felony."

"Okay, you done reading the riot act yet?" Spencer narrowed his eyes and glared at the camera, closing his hands into fists.

"No, I am not. We have the laws of the state of Washington. First up, First-degree rape of a child to have sexual intercourse is one who has sexual intercourse with a person less than age twelve and the person engaging is at least twenty four months older. The penalty for this is five years to life in prison. Second-degree rape of a child is to have sexual intercourse with a person who is at least twelve, but less than fourteen years old and the engager is at least 36 months older than the victim. The penalty for this one is five years to life in prison. Now...Third degree rape, I believe it's at least fourteen or fifteen and the engager is 48 months older than the victim."

"Okay, yawn, you're boring me now Spencer."

He sighed and rubbed his eyes, shaking his head slowly. "I had to get the legality out of the way first." He lowered his arms and stared at Sasha, she was reading. "What are you reading?" He bent down and twitched his eye, she was reading one of the incest fics, probably trying to absorb it. "Seriously?"

"Sorry!"

He rose up and grimaced, placing his hand to his stomach. "Okay, so you guys see Sasha, she is my girlfriend and I love her very much, but I've not come on here to announce that." Sasha smirked and wagged her eyebrows.

"You didn't? Oh well I don't feel neglected at all." Spencer slowly looked at her and she flashed a toothy grin his way. "You know you wuv me."

"Yes, yes I do."

"Yay!"

"Okay…" He closed his eyes and sighed, trying to resist her charms. He was well aware of the act she was putting on, trying to make him forget about complaining to the viewers about their tastes in romance. He put his hands to his chest and opened his angry eyes. "I will never, never fall in love with my little sister's best friends, or, for that matter, my own sister! Some people have some pretty sick minds, I get that, and some people can get some pretty strange kicks out of certain things, I understand…there's bound to be incest stuff in every fandom, I understand. I don't, however, understand the need for you to try and put me with some girl, or a guy for that matter, twelve to thirteen years younger than I am!"

"Hey, maybe they're just bored?"

"Sasha, please…"

"I'm just saying." She grinned brightly once more and Spencer rolled his eyes, trying hard not to laugh. "I mean hey, maybe they just don't like to pair you up with any made up people. The only ones they see on the webshow would be Sam and Freddie, along with Carly."

"Are you siding with them?" Sasha tapped her chin lightly and set the computer to the floor, rising up slowly and grinning as she put her arms around his neck. He raised his eyebrows as she gazed into his eyes. He tried to pull away, to avoid her loving gesture before he forgot his purpose.

"No, I'm not agreeing that it isn't gross picturing you with Sam, or Freddie, for that matter." His eyes flashed with irritation and he quickly turned around to face the camera.

"Yeah that is disgusting!" Sasha cleared her throat and put her hand to his cheek, stepping in front of him and blowing softly on his lips.

"If you're so upset, talk to me, not them." He started to push her away, but she moved her body up close to his. She moved her fingers seductively through his hair and hummed a tune. "Didn't you say that the opinion of the fans didn't matter? Let them have their cake and eat it, what matters is us, not them. If they want to write those kind of stories, then let them, it doesn't affect us being together."

"I just can't stomach knowing there are people with that kind of mindset." He grimaced once more and saw Sasha turn her lips into a greater smirk. He watched with suspicion as she turned to the camera and leaned into the lens with a wink.

"Here we go boys and girls, time for a little fun." She whispered her words and snickered. He raised his eyebrows and watched as she walked past him, putting her hand to his cheek and slowly moving it along and under his jaw. She paused and kissed his lips, causing him to briefly forget his entire purpose and want to kiss her once more. "I'll give you one more chance to give this fight up. If not, I'll give you a pretty good reason for you to not to complain."

"You're not getting me to give up this argument!" He continued on his ranting while Sasha shrugged and carefully picked up the computer and began walking towards him, winking again at the camera. He shot his finger towards the ground, his voice rising with each word. "I won't rest until I get through to these viewers just how wrong, how sick, how disgustingly vile that their mi-" She pushed the laptop in his face and he quickly froze his eyes on his old fanfiction account. Sasha winked at the camera again and met Spencer's eyes with fierceness.

"This is what you get when you don't give your girlfriend attention and you worry about people who might be young and either don't understand the concept of legal issues or they just don't care. You get your past coming back to you."

"W-What are you talking about?" He tugged at his collar, remembering a couple stories he'd written so long ago. Mostly he had been a Mulder and Scully supporter of the X-Files, but there were a couple less than glamorous stories that came to his mind.

"Well, as you can see, I've found your earlier stories. You have a lot of Mulder/Scully stories, but I'd like to point out the one story you have here of Mulder entering a romantic relationship with his sister, then there's another story with Scully and hers sister." Sasha smirked as Spencer's face started to turn white. He moved his eyes slowly to the camera and chuckled nervously.

"Okay, that's good enough…"

"Oh no, not done yet."

"There's more?" His voice cracked, she deflated him. He hoped she hadn't found the one about the alien. He prayed she didn't find that one. It was one of his last few stories that he'd ever written. "What else is there?"

"This one you've called Far From Home, in which Mulder falls in love with the fifteen year old alien child of an alien family trying to blend in and pretend to be earthlings. It's rather well written for being forty chapters long!" He lifted his eyes skyward as Sasha turned the computer around and put her hand to the touchpad. He could hear the triumph in her voice. "They crashed early on and their only way home is for the girl to find the love of a human, once she and Mulder first find each other and fall in love, the gateway to return home opens, but she's faced with the horrible decision of whether or not to stay with Mulder or to go home. Unfortunately you never finished the story, why not? It was going so well!"

He whined and felt his legs starting to shake as he put his hand to his forehead. He could just hear his little sister and her friends laughing at him. He blew all that smoke for nothing. "I…entered Law School…then started getting interested in art. Give me that!" He grabbed the laptop away and shut it, glaring at his girlfriend's victorious expression. "So I'm guilty of the same thing, so what? What do you want from me?"

"So…" She stepped forward and placed her index and middle fingers to his shoulder, slowly walking them up his neck. "You're going to leave these kids alone to their own devices and not complain, and we're going to forget this whole thing ever happened. Then, you're going to give me a romantic dinner with devil's food cake for dessert, then you are going to give me a backrub while I take a hot bath that you cover with rose petals. You're going to kiss me and we're going to cuddle up in front of a fireplace, falling asleep together." He tapped his foot on the ground as she walked her fingers along his chin and gently tapped his lips together. "If not, I'm going to tell everyone the fourth thing I just saw on your fanfiction account, then I'm going to tell them what your username is, so they can read and they can torment you all they want with my permission."

He couldn't take it anymore, the pheromones coming from her body and the sultry expression in her voice was just calling him. He nearly dropped the computer in his excitement, but caught it just as he let go. "Okay!" He turned to the camera and wagged his eyebrows. "Well what do you know guys, all of a sudden, I couldn't care less what you write about me! I'm going off with my girlfriend, so goodnight Seattle!" He set the computer down and quickly lifted Sasha bridal style, she squealed in surprise and shouted as Spencer carried her off.

Several minutes later, Carly awkwardly stepped in front of the camera with Sam and Freddie, who were looking away rather awkwardly as well, posturing themselves in an odd stance. Carly flung her hair back and chuckled nervously as Freddie carefully lifted up the laptop. "Well, thanks to the viewer who, uh...filled us in on that fanfiction site."

"You're the one who left it open for Spencer to see," Freddie pointed out quietly.

"I know, Freddie!" She grumbled and flicked off the camera, hopefully nothing like that would happen again. Freddie looked away in offense as Sam pat him on the shoulder. Spencer really needed not to take things seriously.

I hope you liked it, hope it at least made you chuckle. Again, don't flame me (Especially if you were one of the authors he mentioned, consider it a good thing you were mentioned. It's a promotional ad type thing), this isn't meant to be taken seriously, just have fun with it. Let me know if it made you laugh or whatever ^_^. I will get upset if you ignore both of my author notes and give me one long review about how much this sucked because yada yada.