Jolly Well Fucked (J.W.F.)

By Shawn Jones

I guess so I don't get fucked over: Sonic the Hedgehog and all related characters are copyrighted to Service and Games (Sega of America/Japan), DIC entertainment and Archie Comics. These characters are not to be copied or reproduced in any way. Doing so will put you in violation of Title 17 of the US Code regarding Copyright restrictions.

Foreword

Again I'll start off with my warning: The following story is rated M, fuck is uttered frequently, along with shit and all the other "good" words. It also contains that trademark innuendo, and some violence thrown in for good measure. Shit, it's got fuck right in the title. Jolly Well Fucked (known to you as J.W.F.) is a continuation of the story To End the Rapture. I don't think it's entirely necessary to read it if you haven't, but it is alluded to. To End the Rapture was the most serious story I have written up until this point. The original idea was to have an actual story (which my previous writings were missing) along with the humor. Now if you read those lines and thought: What the fuck are you talking about? The only advice I can give is find the other three stories I've written and compare, you'll see what I mean. To be honest with you, Jolly Well Fucked strays from that formula a bit. With that said you'll see more structure than those clusterfuck stories I used to write, as there is a story here, but for some reason or another I incorporated a more serious tone in To End the Rapture. I think that's enough bullshit, so if you're still reading enjoy the story.

Shawn Jones

Disgustipation

It has been a month since Sonic and the Freedom Fighters destroyed Robotnik, and the fortress he was using as a base of operations. Life had returned to normal for the Freedom Fighters, but they still remained wary of any impending attacks. As night began to descend upon Knothole Village, Sonic was stretched out, relaxing on his bed. While he was laying there lost in thought, the door burst open and Tails rushed inside the room.

"Hey fucknuts," Sonic said while Tails was catching his breath.

"Whose nuts?" Tails asked.

"What the fuck? Never mind, what's wrong with you, busting down my door without fuckin knocking first? I could've been entertaining some pleasurable company before you broke in here, and that shit is just plain rude."

"I don't see Auntie Sally in here," Tails said as he surveyed the room.

"That was low you dirty motherfucker. So, spit it out already asswipe, what are you doing in here?"

"Auntie Sally said she needed to talk to you. She told me I had to come and get you, fast," Tails replied.

"That's probably because you would forget where you were in a couple of minutes. Then you might try your hand at doing some stupid bullshit, which your name seems to be synonymous with. It's really great sitting here and trading insults with you, I guess trading isn't the right word, but why don't we stop fuckin around and just get down to the point. Where exactly am I supposed to meet up with Sally and discuss this…bullshit?"

"I think she said to meet in her room, or maybe she said the conference room. I don't think that's it, maybe she didn't tell me…"

"I can't believe my ears, are you hearing this shit?" Sonic asked. "She told you to come fast, you did, and yet still managed to fuckin forget it, top notch. This has been fun and all, but if you'll excuse me I have some boots to knock."

"What? You don't have any boots on…" Sonic heard Tails saying as he started making his way toward Sally's room. When he arrived there he found the door closed, as usual Sonic just walked inside.

"What the hell, Sonic? Haven't you ever heard of knocking asshole? I could've been getting dressed!" Sally shouted as Sonic took a seat on the couch.

"I fail to see how that could materialize, seeing as how you don't wear any clothes."

"The smartest of smartasses is hard at work again."

"Well thank you very much, I like to take pride in my work. Anyway, on the way over here I think I had a revelation, an epiphany if you will."

"I'm sure it's something groundbreaking," Sally sighed as she sat down on the couch next to Sonic.

"I think that I need my own personal ball washer."

"What? Why?"

"I'm an important person, and my nuts should be clean."

"I really am speechless, Sonic you've had some fucked up ideas in the past, but this really tops the list. I don't know what in the hell is wrong with you, and we really don't have time to discuss it right now…"

"You know what? I've been wondering why we don't just shack up. I mean we could clear out my room, and make space for who the fuck knows what. That would also remedy the whole, not sleeping together thing, yeah?" Sonic asked grinning.

"I have a question," Sally responded. "How fucked up are you?"

"On a scale of 1 to 10, I'd say I'm right around the 7 to 8 range. But, you do think about me every night, don't you?"

"Rock bottom just doesn't exist for you, does it? Now, if you are finished, I did have a few things I wanted to talk with you about. The first is a few reports I've been getting out of Robotropolis, reports that say it's still up and running."

"Well that's a crock of shit. A few weeks ago we destroyed the primary power generators, as well as the backups. That was right after we took down the main control system, that being Robotnik's fortress. Even if Robotnik was alive, I can't see this happening that quickly. I know he was a mad evil genius and everything, but there's just no fuckin way the whole city is up and running now. I mean, the guy couldn't find his dick if it wasn't duct taped to his balls."

"That's a wonderful mental image, thanks a lot Sonic. Unfortunately that isn't all the news…"

"News, that's a weird fuckin word isn't it?" Sonic asked, interrupting.

"What are you trying to get at?"

"News, just think about that for a second, it's the plural form of new, right?"

"Not really, logically looking at the word that's what it should be, but I'm pretty sure the word 'news' was created solely meaning a report of information," Sally answered.

"Yeah, but isn't that fucked up? In order to make any other word plural you just add an s, so what gives?"

"Not all plural forms of words add just an s…why are we even discussing this? I have some important information you need to hear. I don't have time to discuss the semantics of 'news' with you," Sally replied, annoyed.

"Oh please continue, I would love to hear your news."

"As I was saying, it seems something in Robotropolis is salvaging the metal from Robotnik's now defunct fortress. It's my feeling that we send someone to check it out, but I don't think we should tell the others yet."

"So I guess that means I have to fuckin go over there. You could have just asked me, no need to beat around the bush."

"Another one of your perverse come-ons, you really are something else."

"What? Oh no, that wasn't what I meant..."

"Sure Sonic, now will you go over there or not?"

" I'll head over there first thing tomorrow, anything else?" Sonic asked.

"As a matter of fact, Rotor says he's been having trouble with our computer network lately," Sally stated. "He says someone is stressing it too hard, making it run very slow. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you?"

"Not really, I'm not big with electronics," Sonic answered, but Sally just eyed him suspiciously. "Fine, fuck, I've been downloading porn," Sally shook her head at him. "Oh yeah, like that shit is a crime now, c'mon."

"I don't think that's it, how could that slow the entire network down all by itself?"

"Oh believe me, it's fuckin slowin that shit down."

"Well stop it, we're trying to do more important things then look for porn. And I don't want to hear anything about you needing to replace it with something else, no more bullshit. Don't give me that pouty face…stop it already!"

"Is there anything else I can do for her Royal Highness?" Sonic asked contemptuously.

"Sonic…"

"Then I'll be on my way," Sonic said as he gave Sally a mocking bow and left the room.