Title: In Brown Paper
Fandom: D. Gray-man
Pairing: Very light Allen/Lavi. Can also be read as friendship
Prompt: Onions
Genre: Friendship/Humour
Rating: PG
Summary: In Christmas of 1893, Komui decides to play a little game of Capture The Human (or, as Lenalee calls it, Secret Santa).
Notes: Inspired by Carol Ann Duffy's poem 'Valentine'. A Happy Christmas to kupodesu! It nearly became angst before I remembered you asked for humour. The angst version will be up another time (: Hope you enjoy! To everyone as well, Happy Holidays!
One very normal day, Komui told them to fess up all their little known secrets.
Allen blinked in the midst of devouring his tower high stack of pancakes, somehow having managed to pause in the middle of stuffing five slices of pancakes into his mouth. Lenalee only looked calmly back at him.
It was Lavi who was the first to break out of the standstill. "Say wha, Lena?"
"Brother says, for a game this Christmas, he'd like each of us to give him a little known secret written on a piece of paper. And, if we want, with a clue that might identify us," Lenalee repeated, the patience in her tone never wavering.
Allen swallowed without any difficulty. "Is this some new kind of stalking method?"
"Or some new way of finding out, obscurely, who would have the guts to like you?" Lavi chimed in.
Lenalee's eye twitched, a look of faint annoyance settling on her face. "Brother wouldn't tell me this time either, so I'm just passing the message."
"Ahh," Lavi said.
"I see," Allen said. Even though really, he didn't.
"No, I don't see why you'd see," Lenalee sighed. "I have a feeling it's something to do with Christmas. He said to prepare a small gift, too."
"A gift." Allen looked curious. "According to the secret?"
"No, according to the weather." Lavi leaned forward, weight resting on his folded arms, and rolled his eye even as he smirked at Allen. "Of course it's according to the secret, beansprout. What else you think it's for?"
Allen glared as best he could with a pancake still making its way into his mouth. Lenalee, sensing another bout of roughhousing coming up between the two boys, only sighed and continued sipping her tea.
.
"Capture The Human," Komui explained cheerfully and loudly before dinner one day. Nobody looked amused.
"Aww, come on, guys!" He continued when the applause he was expecting didn't arrive. "It's simple! You guys all wrote a little secret, right? I typed those all out – "
"When you could have been stamping those documents," Reever grumbled.
"Anyway, I typed all of them out painstakingly" – he looked expectantly at them. Not even Lenalee looked particularly moved – "so that we can play a secret Santa thing! You will all each come up here, take a piece of paper, prepare a present for that person and find him or her on Christmas day with your gift! It's simple, really! You don't even have to buy it, you can make it if you don't have money!"
"Oh, Brother," Lenalee sighed and shook her head, though a small smile played on her lips.
The atmosphere was certainly less tense now, with people looking a little more intrigued at the prospect of presents and perhaps some measure of fun. There were some mutterings and Timothy looked positively excited, jiggling in his place.
"But how will we know?" Emilia asked, a little confused. When all heads turned towards her, she blushed but continued. "I mean, how will we know if we got the correct person?"
Komui winked. "Of course you will have to affirm with that person whether that secret is theirs on Christmas! We don't want people to end up with no presents at all, yeah? And no cheating, people! No saying that secret is yours when it's not!"
When nothing more than interested looks and excited murmurings answered him, Komui nodded in satisfaction. "Alright then, we will go by alphabetical order! Starting with Abbott, Gilbert!" Komui gestured at the huge sack by his side when he saw the Finder in question jump at his name being called first. "Just pick one, and if you get yours put it back and try again!"
Allen, leaning against the wall between Lenalee and Lavi, grinned and settled in for the long wait.
Of all things, however, he had to get something as cryptic as this.
'I don't quite like onions either, really.'
"What?"
"Indeed, what!" Komui said cheerfully. "Back to your seat, Allen!"
"Uh…"
When he did manage to stumble back to his original position, Lavi poked and prodded at him. "Well? Well? What is it? What is it?"
"Don't think I want to tell you," Allen muttered, folding the paper up and slipping it into his pocket.
Lavi's face fell.
.
So he started an epic voyage in the days leading up to Christmas.
"Good evening, Jeryy."
"Oh, Allen! How sweet to see you! Anything I can do for you, honey?"
"Yes, actually. I was wondering if you knew of anyone who doesn't like onions?"
"Onions?"
"Onions."
"Well, nobody has told me before not to include onions in their food…"
"Ah."
.
He figured the girl who kept secret tabs on everyone would know.
"Good morning, Lenalee."
"Good morning, Allen! Any luck on your recipient?"
"I was going to ask you about that…do you know anybody who doesn't like onions?"
"Hmm…not Kanda, for sure."
"Really?"
"Really. He eats only soba, so I have a feeling he hates everything else."
"That's helpful."
"Thought it'd be, at least you don't have to tear yourself over what to get for him."
.
He couldn't quite believe he was doing this.
"Link, do you by any chance…"
"No."
"Ah."
.
When he was really desperate (which he wasn't, of course), there was one place to turn to.
"Good afternoon, Johnny."
"Oh, hey, Allen! What's up!"
"Just wanted to ask you something…could you put down that beaker for a bit?"
"Oh, for sure!"
"Yes, thank you. So, about onions – "
"Why, yes, we had a few onion samples back when we were trying to figure out whether there was a way we could remove body odour. It kinda failed, but we did manage to – "
"No, I meant…do you know anyone who doesn't like onions?"
"Mmm?"
"If you're really busy with that beaker I could come back later – "
"No no no! I'm fine, really! Onions?"
"Yes."
"Section Chief! Know anyone who doesn't eat onions?"
"Yeah, 65! Now get back to work!"
"There you have it! Oh, it's shaking really hard, Allen, look – "
"Thank you. That's all, really."
.
Until he finally figured out that the library was a fantastic place.
"Al-len!"
"Hi. Just needed to know – "
"If I know anyone who doesn't like onions?"
"Um, yeah."
"Well, there are a couple."
"Really?"
"Yeah. Mandy from the Finders doesn't eat nearly enough veggies. And for a nurse, Emmy really should eat more too. Mmm, Yuu doesn't eat anything other than soba, though I bet you know that."
"Oh…"
"And then there's Billy – oh, Finder, too – who eats only meat. Maybe you can try Phil, he's obsessed over calories intake and all that."
"Yeah, maybe."
"Still looking a lil' down there, Al-len."
"Doesn't really help, you know. In getting a gift or finding the person."
"Mmhmm?"
"Yeah."
"You can do it, sprout. Just think a little!"
"Have you figured yours out?"
"Sure have!"
"…Ah."
.
Even though he knew it went blatantly against every gift-giving rule (and even though Link had looked at him with – dare he imagine it – amusement) Allen finally turned up on Christmas day with an onion in his hand.
"Allen, is that…"
"Good evening, Lenalee. This is my present."
Lenalee looked a little stunned then. Allen smiled. "I know I suck – ah, pardon me, I mean...I know I'm pretty bad at this."
"Well," Lenalee said weakly, attempting to smile. "It's, uh, the thought that counts?"
Allen chuckled. "Thanks, but you don't have to do that. I think I know who it is."
Lenalee had a puzzled frown on her face. "If that's the case, you could have thought of something else, maybe?"
"This works, I think," Allen said with a somehow quiet smile. Which was a little in contrast with the party carrying on around them and the gasps of surprise from people finding out who their secret Santa was. "I'm fine. How about you?"
"Well, I got mine." Lenalee showed him a bag with a slice of dark chocolate cake she made herself. "Thomas loves this, he said – well, he wrote, anyway."
Allen smiled. With a polite nod, he took his leave and weaved through the crowd.
When he came across Jeryy gushing over the trashy romance novel he received, he grabbed the secret Santa's scarf.
"Hi, Lavi, Jeryy," he said, smiling. Lavi grinned at him and Jeryy pushed the book to his face.
"Look what Lavi got me!"
"That's nice!" Allen said with cheer. "Lavi knows what you like, then."
"Oh, I did write it down, after all," Jeryy said. "Just didn't expect him to figure out it's me!"
Lavi laced his fingers behind his head and grinned lazily. "It wasn't too difficult."
"Unlike others," Allen agreed. When Lavi shot him an amused look, Allen only smiled placidly. "Hey, Jeryy, could I borrow Lavi for a while?"
"Oh sure, sure!" Jeryy waved a hand. "Thanks so much, sweetie!"
"No problem!"
.
It was outside, in the quiet, darkened hallway and out of sight from Link where Allen shoved the onion in Lavi's face. Lavi continued smiling.
"What's this for, Allen?"
"Happy Christmas," Allen chuckled and shook his head. "You onion-hater."
"Me, then?"
"I'm pretty sure," Allen stepped back when Lavi took the onion from him, the weight heavy in his hand. His hand curled around it, the thin leaf of the top crackling under his fingers.
Lavi smiled down at it, not lifting his head.
"How'd you figure out it's me then?"
"Well, you just said it," Allen shrugged. "But if you must know, the 'either' gave it away."
"'Either'?"
"Besides wasabi, that is. Almost everyone knows you can't eat that from the last party we had."
Lavi chuckled, eye still fixed on the onion. "You're lousy at giving gifts, sprout. I don't like this, yeah?"
"Yeah?" Allen turned and walked down the hallway, wordlessly inviting Lavi to follow. "It suits you, though."
"…Huh?"
"I think you don't like it not because it has a strong smell, but because it suits you."
Lavi laughed, brightly. He gripped stronger, the onion crackling a little more under his fingers. "You're being weird, sprout."
Allen shot him an annoyed look. "Stop calling me that. It fits, I don't have to explain."
By then they had reached one of the many balconies the Order had, this small one looking over the forest. Allen stopped there and surveyed the area. He nodded.
"This will do."
"Allen."
Allen sighed and turned, his gaze calm as he faced Lavi who was smiling and still not meeting his eyes.
"I think it's something that Bookman taught you before."
Lavi remained silent, still studying Allen, his eye unreadable.
"I think it might have gone something like this. Clowns, you know, put on big red lipsticks so they look like they're smiling even when they're not. That's what Mana said."
Lavi, for some reason, had lost his faculty of speech. The smell of the onion was strong now as the skin cracked completely, the layer beneath it beginning to do the same. It was sharp and it made Allen wrinkle his nose. He sighed when he saw how Lavi wasn't smiling in the slightest, just looking at him.
"Well, guess this is my gift to you then."
Moving fast, before Lavi could even blink, Allen had pried the onion out of his fingers and was leaning over the balcony, gloves off and his eyebrows knitted in concentration. When Lavi had suppressed his surprise, he saw Allen carefully peel off the first layer off and let it float to the forested ground far below.
Lavi's eye widened. "Allen – "
"I don't know how Jeryy does this," Allen said as he sniffled unwillingly. "God, this stinks."
"Allen, stop." Lavi placed his hand over Allen's, the smell overwhelming both of them now. "I, I get it, just stop now. Please."
Allen twisted out of his grip and grinned at him, smile bright despite his red nose. "I'm fine. Watch."
The second layer came off, then the third, numerous thin slices floating to the ground and catching faint slivers of moonlight along the way. Lavi hovered, helpless, as Allen growled at the few more tears that slipped out because of the damn sting of the onion. Yet, unrelentingly, the layers eventually did come off and were one by one scattered by the wind, brown leaves barely discernable in the night as they descended.
The bulb was left, almost unearthly white against Allen's red hand. Allen used his right to attempt to rub at his eyes, only to irritate it more as the scent, strongest on his hand, came in direct contact with his eyes. He yelped.
"Oh lord, the things I do for – Lavi?"
Lavi had reached out to grab the bulb and was looking at it, to Allen, and back to it again. His hand was closing and opening over it and he was looking almost terrified, almost vulnerable in the moonlight. Allen couldn't help feeling concerned at the silence surrounding them.
Then, unbelievably, to Allen's horror –
Lavi exploded in laughter.
He couldn't stop laughing. He was doubled over, tears leaking out of his eye alternatively from the pungent vegetable and from hilarity. Allen growled and stalked over, punching the back of Lavi's head.
"You're laughing at me!"
"Anyone would laugh, sprout! Oh, god, you, you just – " Whatever he wanted to say was swallowed up in another bout of fresh giggles. Allen was about to punch him again when his wrist was gripped.
Then they were both pulled to the ground and Lavi was attempting to tickle him.
"Oh no you don't!" Allen attempted to twist out of Lavi's grip. He hooked his thumbs in Lavi's mouth and pulled, trying to get him to stop. Lavi only laughed harder, his face distorted by the pull. The smell so close to his face made more tears spring to his eye.
Allen was aware that he was being tickled and he was laughing despite himself at how sensitive his sides were. It was horrid, the smell was all around them and the white bulb was still there, catching the light of the moon and Lavi was Still. Laughing. At. Him. He giggled and pulled harder at Lavi's lips, prompting a half groan half giggle from the boy.
"Oh dear, Allen," Lavi choked out one last giggle before he couldn't bear the taste of onions in his mouth anymore, the scent strongest on Allen's fingers. He sighed and let go of him, flopping bonelessly to the ground, body still shaking with laughter every once in a while. A little more carefully, Allen settled next to him, glaring as best he could with his blurry eyes.
"You laughed at me."
Lavi's giggle was a little breathless by then. He curled up on his side and grinned upwards at Allen who was still frowning down at him.
"You must admit, it was quite funny."
Allen grimaced. He thought of how it would have been if Lavi had peeled an onion in front of him – so, okay, yeah, it was a little funny. But honestly, it was the only thing he could think of doing. What better to do as a gift than to destroy what the other didn't like, right? He blushed at the thought of how ridiculous he must have looked to the redhead.
"Hey, sprout?"
"It's Allen," he grumbled and stared at Lavi's hand which was still gripping the bulb. "What is it?"
"Thanks."
Allen blinked and looked at Lavi's red-rimmed eye. Lavi grinned, a little tired but happily, back at him. He scratched at his cheek.
"Uh, well, it really is a terrible present and all, you don't have to…" He mumbled.
"No, really."
When Allen looked at Lavi again, Lavi was smiling, looking at the bulb which shone a little in the moonlight. Then he gripped it and turned to Allen again.
"I'll keep this. In a bottle, a jar, something."
Allen smiled. "So the ants won't get at it?"
Lavi laughed, his eye shining.
"So nothing will get at it."