Title: Not Your Fault
Fandom: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Characters: Shiro, Pidge
Rating: G
Warnings: Happens after the new Balmera crystal is installed and before Lance wakes up from his healing pod. Apparently I like hand holding.
Disclaimer: Voltron: Legendary Defender is owned by Dreamworks, World Events Productions, and Studio Mir. I own the stories I write.
Summary: Shiro can't sleep and Pidge has something to say.
Word Count: 1446
Edited: 24 October 2016
Big thanks goes out to JackieStarSister for catching mistakes I made and offering corrections. I really, truly appreciate you taking the time to read and review my work. Thank you.
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Shiro and turned to lie on his back, eyes opening to the dark ceiling of his bunk's compartment. Naturally occurring sleep had been hard to come by for a long time, and when it did come the scant memories of his imprisonment would shock him back into waking. An early start was usually the best way to handle the latter, but the former left Shiro to the darkness and solitude of the castle's night cycle. A walk would probably help, but he was still nursing his battered and aching body in addition to his wounded pride. Best to just lie here—focusing on regulating his breathing and keeping his heartbeat steady—and hope his inner demons wouldn't rise out of the shadows to keep him up all night.
A soft knock rapped at his door.
Against his body's protests, Shiro rose and flicked on his room's lights, the sudden brightness making him wince more than he already was.
Another knock sounded, just as soft as the last. "Shiro?"
He took a calming breath before striding across the room to open the door. Pidge stood on the other side of the doorway looking as tired and sore as he felt. Shiro pushed past those feelings and offered the younger paladin a small smile.
"What are you doing up, Pidge?" He took note of the loose green button down pajamas she wore and the absence of her glasses. "I thought you went to bed right after helping Coran and Hunk with the Galra and Balmera crystals."
"I … I needed to tell you something. I was going to wait until morning, but I couldn't sleep knowing what I did and I really, really wanted to tell you as soon as possible, so ..." Pidge looked up at him, her eyes focused solely on him. "I'm sorry."
Shiro blinked at her, brow rising at the sudden apology. "For what?"
"I reviewed the castle's security footage and it showed a droid of Rover's make slip into the castle. That was the bomb that started everything. The Galra used Rover's access codes to cloak their bomb droid; they probably copied it when I went outside to talk to you." Pidge's gaze fell to her bare toes. "It's all my fault. It's my fault the crystal was destroyed, that we had to spread our forces so thin, that the castle was taken, that Lance got hurt, that you got hurt, that Rover's gone. I screwed everything up and—"
"Katie," interrupted Shiro, his cybernetic hand coming to rest on her shoulder. "There's nothing to apologize for. It's not your fault."
She kept her gaze resolutely on the ground. "Yes it is."
"Well it's not," he reaffirmed. "None of us could have known that the Galra would use Rover against us. We weren't expecting it and they took advantage of that."
"I still feel responsible."
He thought about himself leaving the main entrance unguarded, falling short of stopping Sendak, allowing Lance to be taken hostage, being taken captive himself, playing a part in a ploy to force Pidge's hand, and failing to help more in the second fight against Sendak. Maybe he was more tired than he realized because "you're not the only one" slipped past his lips rather than just pass quietly through his mind.
Pidge looked up, her eyes flitting across his face, searching. Shiro wasn't sure what she was hoping to find, but the way her gaze hardened and focused on his own reminded him the look she had when she took out Sendak's arm.
"You took on Sendak by yourself. You had him in a stalemate and probably would have taken him out if the Galra hadn't taken Lance hostage. It took four paladins—two of whom were incapacitated—and a particle barrier to just contain him." She took his hand off her shoulder and grasped it tight in her own. "That just shows how facing him alone couldn't have been easy, shows how capable you are. You did what you could and you only backed down when you didn't have a choice."
"I think you're giving me a little too much credit," he admonished.
"And I think you're being a little too forgiving of me," she retorted.
"I told you that there wasn't anything to apologize for, so there isn't anything to forgive."
"Same goes for you." Pidge squeezed the metal of his hand. "It wasn't your fault."
Shiro took comfort in the action and squeezed back, ignoring his inability to feel her warmth. "I'm still sorry that you had to go through everything you did to get back the castle."
"Fine. I'll take that apology," conceded Pidge. "I'm sorry that you got tortured because of me. I really, really am. That shouldn't have happened, especially to you."
"You can't blame yourself for that," he insisted. "You weren't the only one threatened with a hostage's well being. How do you think I got captured? So don't worry about it. Besides, I'm used to pain—"
Pidge pulled away from Shiro's touch, horror and anger widening her eyes and setting her jaw. "That doesn't make it okay! Doesn't make you okay. And of course I'm going to worry about that. We're a team—a family. We're supposed to look out for each other. Then there's the fact that I heard you scream. That was terrifying. There's no way that was nothing. And don't think this is just about the pain you went through; I'm just as concerned about the mental trauma. You couldn't have gone through what just happened after having been through the same thing before for a year and not—I'm not saying you're not strong; you're Shiro the Black Paladin, but that doesn't mean you're not human—"
The older pilot wiped away at a few stray tears from Pidge's cheeks with his left hand, effectively silencing her. Her anger was palpable, warming and scorching him—ire focused not only on what happened to him, but also on him for trivializing himself. "Thank you. I … It's nice to know someone's thinking of me like that—looking out for me like that. Even better when I get to hear it out loud."
She took his hand again—his flesh and bone one this time—twining their fingers together while she looked up at him. "Are you okay, Takashi?"
"I'm hanging in there," he confessed, unable to lie in the face of her outpour of emotion and the perfect, gentle way she said his given name. "A few aches and pains that'll fade come morning. As for mentally … Let's just say I won't be sleeping any time soon; and if I'm being honest, I probably won't be sleeping much anyway considering what's happened."
She was right: he wasn't okay. No point in denying that. Today had been more than physically taxing; it had torn open old wounds he couldn't see nor remember getting. He squeezed her hand, running his thumb over her knuckles and committing to memory how warm and alive she felt. "Are you okay?"
"A little worse for wear, but I'll manage." She averted her eyes at the critical look Shiro gave her. "I ache all over, but it's more uncomfortable than painful. I want to sleep, but I'm afraid of closing my eyes. Ideally, I'd be looking for Rover to keep my mind off of it, but I'm pretty sure I don't want to see where he and Haxus landed."
Shiro had almost forgotten about the short conversation between Sendak and Pidge before the Galra commander had him blacking out in pain. He bit his tongue to keep himself from asking about what happened with Haxus. He didn't need the details, not when he had seen for himself what had had become of the Galra lieutenant while patrolling for any lingering enemy forces. Maybe one day she would tell him what happened in the main energy chamber, but he wouldn't force her, especially now when the whole experience was still raw and new and bleeding.
"Do you want to stay up with me?"
It took a moment for Shiro to realize that he had spoken out loud. He had only been thinking that he didn't want for her to be alone with her thoughts—thoughts of failure (justified or not), loss, and hard truths. It could be that he was just projecting onto her, letting his own wants and vulnerabilities influence what he was interpreting from her.
A small tug on his left hand drew him back, back to Pidge's small relieved smile and eager nod. "I'd like that."
"All right, then." Shiro smiled back, some tension easing from his stiff shoulders. "What do you want to do?"
"I have chess on my laptop," she offered.
"Sounds good."
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Glory be. It's done! This ended up so much longer than I originally intended. This was supposed to be 100 words, but it wouldn't stop. It just wouldn't stop. I restarted this a few times and then tried to just write a drabble for Shiro, but I couldn't stop. SO MANY DRAFTS. I cut out and rewrote so much of this.
I set out to address how Pidge felt about Shiro being tortured by Sendak in "Tears of the Balmera" because I don't think she'd so easily forget Shiro's screams. And then it ran away from me. Gosh. I haven't written anything this long or dialogue heavy in years, so please forgive me for any wonkiness. Still, please tell me about the wonkiness. I need to improve.
I hope you guys enjoyed this. Please leave comments, constructive criticism, and/or questions. Thank you.