TITLE: Again
sequel/references to Lock Down
SERIES: Imperfection Deviation
AUTHOR: Macx
RATING: PG-13
DISCLAIMER: None of the characters belong to me, sadly. They are owned by people with a lot more money
Author's Voice of Warning (aka Author's Note):
English is not my first language; it's German. This is the best I can do. Any mistakes you find in here, collect them and you might win a prize The spell-checker said everything's okay, but you know how trustworthy those thingies are...
FEEDBACK: Loved

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The storm raging over the Nevada desert was a depiction of the violence of Mother Nature. The clouds had blackened the sky, there was no sun light despite the fact that it was only four in the afternoon, and the rain had turned into torrents of never-ending water. Flash flood warnings had been issued, roads had been closed, and many of them had become raging rivers out here where no one really ever came.

Jazz stood in the back of the Autobot base, looking out into the dark, angry world that was Earth right now, and his blue optics dimly reflected the same anger and darkness. He had chosen a place where the others weren't so likely to stumble over him by chance, except if they really searched for him. With Ratchet busy with his research, Ironhide tinkering with a new weapon system, and Bumblebee with Sam in Tranquillity, it only left Optimus Prime, and his leader and friend was probably going over bureaucratic stuff. Lennox and his men weren't prone to trailing after their allies and asking what was up, so he didn't expect anything from them either. If he was Ironhide, sure, Will would come after him, asking if he was okay. But he wasn't. And Lennox wouldn't.

A loud crack of thunder had him turn to look at the beautiful display of violence. He liked this planet. Loved it, actually. It was so different from what he had seen in his time already. It was so alive and so… energetic. Like right now. There was energy in each and every storm, every crack of thunder, every bolt of lightning. He could feel it in every molecule of his body.
A noise distracted him. His audio sensors turned away from listening to the howls and the whooshing sound of the rain driven by the wind, and scanned the interior of the base. The sound had been deliberate. No one sneaking around would be so foolish and no one walking normally would only make one single, scuffing sound.

"Hey, Cade," he said softly.

Red optics flared a little in the darkness of the back hangar and the almost black mechanoid emerged, still nearly silent. He could be completely stealthy if he wanted to, Jazz knew. He was a shock trooper and a hunter. He knew how to stalk.

"Is it that time again?" Barricade asked, voice dark and rough. He didn't sound really bored or dismissive, just… something between casual and deeply miffed.

"Just enjoying the rain."

Barricade gave a snort of disbelief and gazed at the storm outside. For the past hours it had been nothing but water from above. Jazz knew how Barricade hated rain like that. A shower, okay. But non-stop rain? It grated on his partner.

He also knew that Barricade was aware that he was lying. Not completely, but mostly. He enjoyed the rain, a lot more than the black mech at his side, but it was also a way to distract him from the dark holes inside his mind. Ever since the lock down, his accidental stay in recharge for five days, Jazz kept experiencing his memory loss more acutely than before. When he had died, he had lost memories, parts of his past. He had learned to live with it. Sometimes he came up blank when it came to a name, a location, a specific face. It was okay. He managed.

Three days ago he had woken from the recharge and whatever it was that had locked down the machine and him with it, it had scrambled his processor again. He was reliving his loss. He kept stumbling over holes and they seemed to get bigger and bigger each time.

And since yesterday he kept reliving his death.

Jazz shivered inside and his spark seemed to clench. He knew how he had died and the pain was still quite vivid when he recalled it, but the lock down had enhanced it somehow. Like it had enhanced so many things.

"I keep dying," he said into the silence between them. "That moment. In Mission City. I keep dying over and over."

Barricade's optics narrowed, but he didn't say a thing.

"Ever since I woke, I keep remembering things, until I fall into a hole in my mind. I thought I had a handle on it. But it's getting worse. It's not like I remember the hole. That's…" He almost laughed. "But I think about something, from Cybertron or our search for the Allspark, and suddenly there's this deep hole and it keeps getting bigger. It's eating away my memories, Barricade."

"Your memory loss isn't a progressive process," Barricade answered matter-of-factly. "It's a done deal. Did Ratchet check you?"

It was a redundant question because Ratchet wouldn't have let him out of his sight without a complete check. Jazz just nodded.

They had had a rather strong discussion about it over a year ago. Maybe more. Barricade had set his head on straight again and Jazz had understood the meaning behind his partner's harsh words. Missing a few memories was preferable to death.

Until now, he had dealt.

Until now, he hadn't started flashing.

"He can't make this better, Cade. It happens suddenly," he said, gazing out over the watery darkness. "I'm back there and Megatron's shot me and then he tears me apart," Jazz murmured emotionlessly. "And I die."

Clawed fingers wrapped around his wrist and he flinched a little, surprised by the touch. Barricade rarely if ever initiated touches. He wasn't the type. Jazz looked into the familiar optics, felt his spark constrict again, and a new shudder went through his frame.

Barricade had allied himself with the Autobots because of Jazz's death. He had turned his back on Megatron because of it. Megatron had broken his word. Barricade was here now, with him, like it should have been if the war hadn't happened. Their sparks were perfectly resonating with each other and Jazz knew he would do everything to keep Barricade with him this time.

"The lock down messed up our systems," Barricade said roughly. "Yours more than others. You're remembering your strongest emotional moment. You're not losing any more memories. You only remember."

"I could do with another hole in my memories," he answered weakly. "I'd rather forget it ever happened."

The optics flared brightly. "I never will."

Another tremor. Jazz had never felt so off balance, so completely at a loss. He was Prime's first lieutenant, a seasoned warrior, old and experienced, but right now? He was like a new born mechanoid, unsure what was expected of him – with a memory that kept him off balance even more, and holes that had him fall down and cry for a loss he didn't even know what it was.

"What if I start forgetting anyway? What if you're wrong about that? I'm such a mess… everything could happen?" he asked. "What if the holes get larger? I'm damaged, Barricade. My rebirth was a miracle and not even Ratchet could tell me what exactly happened. I could forget everything because my systems are malfunctioning. Even you."

"You won't."

Jazz gave a weak laugh. "Memories come and go. Memories are easily erased."

"Your spark will always recognize me."

The simple statement had him stop and stare at his companion. It was the truth. He might forget names and events, his whole life, but his spark would always respond to Barricade. They shared something special. It would always be there.

"I wouldn't be able to tell who you are."

"I would tell you."

Jazz's free hand touched the Decepticon symbol that looked faint, almost faded, on the dark skin. "I might only see this, see the enemy."

"Your spark would remember."

Barricade's spark suddenly seemed to flare along their connection and Jazz found himself reacting, letting them touch, needing the touch, and the grip on his wrist tightened.

"I wasn't there, but I saw the result," Barricade said, voice turning rougher. "I know what I felt and I know what I did later on. I know the pain from a different angle and while the memories are harsh, I won't ever want to forget."

"I still feel it all, Barricade."

"Because you are alive."

Rain was beating against the roof, loud and echoing inside the hangar. The world outside seemed to be drowning.

"I want this to stop."

"By taking it away? By letting others remember?" Barricade challenged. "It's a coward's way out, Jazz, and you know it. They suffered with you. They know and they live with it."

"Cade…"

The pull at his spark was almost upsetting his physical balance. He gazed into the deep red optics, saw the need and the shared pain and fury and anger and desperation, and Jazz simply surrendered in that very moment. Barricade pulled him close, enveloped him, overpowering and strong, and Jazz let him.

::Share:: Barricade whispered harshly, almost like a command. And maybe there was an almost inaudible 'please' there, too.

The former Decepticon had never been touchy-feely, wasn't the type for hugs and shows of affection, so everything he was doing now had Jazz completely at a loss.

::Cade…::

::For once in your life just do what I tell you, Autobot::

Jazz had to smile and opened himself up, felt his memories flow across the bond, felt his partner embrace him, not letting go, and he let himself fall. He shared memories and emotions, let Barricade's wash over him. He touched a place his partner only opened to him, and only in moments like these. He Shared. Deeply.

Memories of the lock down. Memories of Sam's training session Barricade had never spoken about. Memories of trust given and returned. Memories of them before the war, their first encounter.
The realization that they shared resonating sparks.

The first true Sharing between them. Moments of utter peace and such intensity, Jazz reached for them like a drowning person.

::We have this:: Barricade said.

He nodded and felt the other spark brush over the memories of his death. The surge of pain from Megatron's gun fire, falling, defending the humans, sacrificing himself. He hadn't thought twice. He had just done it. He had protected those weaker than him from a threat they had, in a way, brought here.

::Autobot:: Barricade muttered, but there was no judgement there.

Because it was Jazz. He would do it again.

::We protect:: he only answered.

Barricade wrapped himself around him, soft and non-threatening. He had been different from Jazz. Always. But they shared a common bond and a common base. Both could be and had been ruthless warriors, but where Jazz would die for the innocents he protected, Barricade had always looked after his own survival.

His death repeated itself over and over throughout the bond. Mere seconds and his body had been torn apart, his spark stuttering and dying, only a tiny piece of it still clinging to life.

Jazz felt Barricade's memories at finding out, his helplessness, his rage, his… mindless anger. He would never have ended his own life because that would have been a coward's way. He couldn't take revenge because Sam had killed Megatron. He would have existed on Earth, forever. Or as long as his body lasted – or the Autobots found and terminated him.

::You called them::

::Yes::

::You didn't know I was alive::

::No::

Jazz sent a shiver of electricity through him. ::Thank you::

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Barricade caught the spark of his partner, held him close, curled his very self around him, let them merge, and he accepted the darkness of the memories that came with the intimate sharing. He watched and felt it all, he let it happen and he held his partner throughout the memories.

The sharing took longer than any one before, both deeply connected, running what seemed like an endless loop, and if anyone stumbled over them… Barricade didn't care. He knew they were safe at the base.

Sending rivulets of energon through their merged sparks, he felt Jazz pulse in response. It was a good pulse, one of need and filled with emotions neither ever really showed on the surface. There was an almost painful spike and Jazz gasped. Barricade suffused the other spark, erased the tremors, murmuring words in their language. Jazz turned to him, completely open, vulnerable and trusting, just like Barricade was. This was their most intimate moment, where everything was laid open, and he said words he would never be caught dead saying out loud.

The other spark quieted own after a moment, let the gentleness wash away the darkness. Still, Barricade didn't break the sharing. They needed this – however long it would take.

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Ironhide hadn't seen either Jazz or Barricade in quite some time. His suspicious nature when it came to the Decepticon got the better of him a few hours later and he couldn't ignore the small voice that told him to at least check the base if everything was okay.

Which he did.

And everything was okay.

The rain hadn't really let up and the forecast was for the storm to last all night. He didn't mind and he didn't care because the new weapon system had him busy. The humans living at the base had moaned and groaned about it because it had them stuck inside the large structure. Not that any of them had anything planned, but just the idea that they couldn't leave was enough to have some of them mutter at the weather.

Lennox had taken the enforced downtime to catch up on paperwork, as well as check his emails, do some inbox/outbox bureaucracy, and in the end he had joined Ironhide in his workspace, silently watching the mechanoid work. Ironhide didn't feel crowded or bothered by the presence of his friend. Lennox shared his interest for weapons, though with Ironhide it was more of a passion than an interest.

He had drawn the line at checking the base's security, though. Everything was perfectly okay, according to internal sensors.

Ironhide just wanted to make sure of it in person. With Barricade trapped inside the base like everyone, he felt it was necessary.

When he found the two missing mechs he stopped in his tracks. There was no confusing what was going on and Ironhide's optics fixed on the Decepticon. Barricade had his back against the hangar wall, one hand curled around Jazz's wrist, which was trapped between their bodies. The other lay on the hip armor.

They were sharing.

Ironhide remained a second longer, then moved silently back into the main area.