Endings Are Beginnings, More Often Than Not (because life is funny that way).

By: PriyaLalita

The ceremony was small, and intimate, yet fancy. It was final. Rings had been passed, vows exchanged, frosting from the cake dabbed on each other's noses. There was an air of finality to the day. Nothing would be the same, it seemed, though it was a foolish thought, really. Everything had changed, but much before just today. They had been changed for over 2 years now. JJ knew it, but, admitting it seemed to be a whole other story indeed. It wasn't as if he had hard feelings. In fact, he wasn't sure if he felt anything at all.

A certain kind of numbness had overcome him for the day, sitting in the back of the church. He was never one for churches. They always made him feel awkward, and vaguely ignorant. (When to stand, when to sit, what to say and do…? He'd grown up worshipping the Hollywood sign after all.) He sat as far away from everyone as possible, but close enough as to not be rude, feeling like an intruder in this happy occasion. He already felt like everyone was staring at him, waiting for him to jump up screaming his objections.

He wasn't that crass. His battle was over. Ryo had won. He accepted that. He, in fact, welcomed his defeat with open arms. What was a life pining after a hopeless love anyway? It was no way to live his life, certainly. He could do better; he could get anyone he wanted. However, he found he wasn't sure what he wanted anymore. No one seemed to measure up to Dee. No one seemed good enough. No. Dee wasn't good enough either. Dee was never good enough. Dee would not be his high standard.

He sighed, gently, shifting in the pew uncomfortably, staring at the crucifix hanging ominously above the altar. He dropped his gaze to the wedding party, watching his partner fidget in his spot as best man. He looked so strange, dressed in his tuxedo, clean-shaven and tidy, not a hair out of place, but still, best man…it seemed like a good title for him. Best man. It also seemed like a death sentence. The male equivalent of "always the bridesmaid never the bride".

JJ knew in his heart that Drake would never get it right. He knew that even if he didn't know it, no one was going to be good enough for him, to give him the love he deserved. He would never find that perfect fit. He smiled to himself, alone together I guess? I doubt I'll ever find a perfect fit either. Their likeness amused him. Of course, their situation would be ideal for romance, but, JJ knew he was barking up the wrong tree with that idea. No matter how perfect a plan, no matter how perfect a fit, just the idea of Drake's rejection hurt. Of course, Drake was probably the only one he could consider being good enough. The irony was devastatingly amusing indeed.

And now, at the reception, at a rather posh resort, he'd escaped the festivities for some fresh air, nursing a glass of champagne. He leaned against the stone railing that surrounded the terrace, overlooking the grounds. Small lights edged the path to the gazebo, glowing dimly in the darkness, seeming somewhat ethereal. After another sip of his drink, he decided champagne just didn't taste the same when you weren't happy.

He didn't hear the French doors of the patio open and shut, nor did he hear the soft scuffle of footsteps until they were right behind him. He looked over his shoulder to see his partner smiling.

"Nothing like a wedding to make you feel even worse about being single, huh?" He stated, hopping up to sit on the railing, balancing his beer beside him.

JJ managed a weak smile and leaned back on the railing, looking back at the glowing gazebo. He glanced back to Drake for a moment, taking him in. It hadn't took long for Drake to revert to his normal ways, the bow-tie untied, draped around his neck, the button at the collar popped open, his hair had gone back to falling in his eyes. JJ preferred him this way. Rumpled, as he'd describe it, was a good look for Drake.

"What?" Drake asked, a grin still lurking on his mouth.

JJ shook his head and watched him procure a pack of cigarettes from his jacket pocket. He patted himself down for a lighter and frowned, looking around. He hopped off the ledge and lit his cigarette from a votive candle on one of the patio tables. He returned and stood right next to JJ, their arms touching.

"May I?" He asked, touching the pack resting between them.

Drake gave him a funny look, but nodded. JJ slid a Newport between his lips and felt Drake's hand brush his wrist, leaning in to touch the embers of his to JJ's unlit tip until it glowed, the crackle of tobacco sounding in the quiet.

JJ took a slow inhale, testing the waters. He hadn't smoked since high school. He hadn't smoked since he met Dee. He exhaled slowly, watching the thin stream drift on the gentle breeze.

"So, you okay?" He asked as JJ shrugged. "Are you going to say anything tonight?" He nudged him gently.

"I'm not sure what to say." He said, finally, abandoning his champagne for the rush of the cigarette. The buzz of the nicotine pulsed in his chest, and head. For the first time today he felt something .

"That's a start."
"A start?"

"Sometimes, feeling nothing is better than feeling something. At least you're not feeling bad."

"I wouldn't say I'm feeling good, though, either."
"Gotta start somewhere."

JJ went quiet again, thinking as he smoked the cigarette nearly to the filter. Everything felt frozen in time. There was no past anymore. There felt like there would be no future. He sighed and flicked the butt into the bushes.

"What if I don't want to start over?"
"You don't have a choice, now, do you?"

"Nothing seems right anymore." He said, simply as the patio doors opened and they were joined by others out for fresh air and a smoke (a funny combination, JJ thought).

The sounds of the festivities spilled outside, and JJ mentally cringed. It wasn't even the fact that it was the sounds of his defeat; it was simply the sounds of happiness that nearly nauseated him. Drake grabbed his hand gently and gave him a leading tug, leading him down the dimly lit path.

"You can't let this eat you alive, JJ." He told him, once they were in the privacy of the gazebo. "I can't say I'm not really bummed about being alone, either, you know?"

"See, that's the thing…I don't think that it's just about Dee anymore. It's, well, everything. I just can't see a future for me." He smiled. "Besides, you have a chance at getting married and having kids…I don't."


"How do you figure? Canada? Massachusetts? California? New York is even said to be recognizing the California unions. And there's always adoption and surrogates."

"Since when are you the gay rights scholar?"

Drake shrugged. "One of my neighbors down the hall is on vacation so I've been borrowing their newspaper." He smiled as JJ rolled his eyes.

"I just don't think I would make a good…anything. I just don't think that I can ever get what I want, it's been a reoccurring theme for me."
"There are plenty of fish in the sea, JJ."
JJ looked up at him and frowned. "So I've heard, from you actually, and we both know how that turned out."
"How could I forget?" He grinned and sat beside him. "Can't say I wasn't amused…after the shock wore off at least."
"That was over 2 years ago."

"It was a big shock."

JJ laughed quietly as Drake reached out and smoothed, not ruffled his hair. His laughter quickly ceased, as he looked over to his partner, feeling strong fingers sifting through his hair.

"JJ…I…" He cleared his throat nervously. "I don't want to see anymore of this melancholy bullshit."

"Bullshit?" He pulled away slightly but Drake's hand closed around his arm gently.
"You know what I mean, Jem." He sighed. "I am willing to do anything to make you smile again." He squeezed his arm reassuringly. "What is it you want most from this life?"
He looked away and swallowed the lump in his throat. "I'm afraid that…that what if what I really wanted was in front of me all along?" What if I'm afraid that you're what I really want and that you don't feel the same?

Drake sighed and turned JJ's face towards him, leaning in to gently and hesitantly place a kiss on his lips.

He rested his forehead against JJ's. "I know exactly what you mean. I have a hard time seeing a future, too, you know. In the past five years? I've changed so much and haven't even realized it. I never thought…that…" He laughed softly. "I never saw myself here. But, I'm glad I ended up here…if that makes sense."

JJ blinked and licked his lips nervously, pulling away. "Are you saying…what I think you're saying?"

Drake smiled and shrugged. "Am I? How am I supposed to know what you're thinking? Am I psychic or something?" He laughed as JJ huffed. "You know what I'm saying. There's nothing I'd like more than to face whatever lies ahead with you. So…if you wanna maybe give it a shot, I'm game." He said fidgeting anxiously.

JJ looked down at his feet and thought a moment. He closed his eyes and envisioned Drake as his lover, a small smile crossing over his lips.

"Because…you know…really…" Drake cleared his throat. "If you think about it? We're pretty much already a couple. We work together, we spend all of our free time together, we turn to each other when 

we need help…actually we're pretty much married since there's no sex." They shared a laugh and JJ rested his cheek on Drake's shoulder.

"I'm game, as long as if we get married we break that no-sex habit." He said as Drake nuzzled the top of his head.

"You don't have to worry about that." He told him, wrapping his arm around JJ.

JJ was still leaning on Drake as they walked slowly back up the path, stalling as much as they could before rejoining the festivities. He never was one to be impressed by romantic settings, but the warm spring air, Drake's arm around his waist, the little baubles of light lining the trail certainly had made this moment. The glow of the patio loomed before them like the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel.

"It's very ominous isn't it? Symbolic even."
JJ looked up at him and stared before laughing quietly. "I was just thinking the same thing." He said as Drake grinned and leaned in easily for another kiss. JJ wrapped his arms around Drake's neck and smiled to himself. Finally, something had gone right. Finally, something he had something he wanted. The glimmer of hope was nestled safely inside of him again, the future was suddenly tangible and looking bright.

"So, maybe I am psychic." Drake said after pulling away, shooting JJ the sleepy smile he loved so much. He dramatically put a hand to his forehead. "I'm having a vision; your childhood puppy is trying to contact me--"

JJ swatted him affectionately. "Dork, I never had a dog." He laughed quietly as Drake took his hand, leading him up the steps.

"Well, good, then I know what to get for your birthday."

"You're not supposed to tell me that." He huffed as Drake waved his hands in a mockingly mystical gesture.

"Oh, but what if I surprise you with a cat, or a rabbit, or a…parrot!"

"Parrots freak me out."

"Good to know." He grinned and kissed him again quickly before opening the patio doors.

-fin-

Woo. Holy crapola. So, as some of you may know, my laptop bit the dust and took my desktop with it. Lol. No is good. Not to mention, on top of that, I've been working way too much, classes are back in session (I was thinking I was excited for classes to start again? WRONG. By the way, I love dumbshits with Doctorates.) So, yay….I broke the seal! I actually wrote 80 percent of this in the college library. It's happy there. I also wrote this listening to a LOT of deathcabforcutie! (The Photo Album specifically.) 

Steadier Footing was the main impetus but…I got a bit off course coz I went with HAPPY not Sad. Yay Happy.

Reviews are always appreciated, though i know this certainly wasn't the best thing I could have produced, but i needed to break the ice ;)

Love love love, best wishes to all.

Xo

Priya Lalita.