A/N: This is my first Twilight fic EVER so let me know if you liked it. I was thinking about how even though Edward goes through so much shit, he never, ever, even once, sheds a single tear. I mean he probably wouldn't in front of Bella anyway, seeing as he's supposed to be Mr. BadAss Vampire but still. So I figured I'd write this and finally let him vent.

Okay, um this is set after New Moon. But Bella and Edward never got back together. He never went to the Volturi, because Alice checked up on Bella and stopped him before he could. And Bella and Jake got together.

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or Edward or Bella or Jake or Forks or Carlisle and blah blah blah.

Vampire's Don't Cry

I stood outside her house, looking around me, taking everything in. I looked up and saw her window, the very window through which I once used to enter my sweetheart's room every night. My non existent heart lurched when I realized that she was right there – right there. All I had to do was climb up the tree growing opposite her window and I would be able to see her, sprawled on her bed reading her stupid copy of Wuthering Heights, or deciding what to wear.

But I couldn't. Wouldn't.

If she saw me it would ruin everything I've built for these past two years. Two years. It wasn't much, even for a human. But every moment of these 2 long years had felt like a century in my unnatural existence. But returning to the point, not that she would be able to see me, if I didn't want her to. But the thing was, I did want her to. There was a large part of me (larger than anyone, even Carlisle, could imagine) which ached to reveal myself to her. To look her in the eyes and say, "Bella, love, here I am." To tell her that I never wanted to leave her. That I never stopped caring. That I'd almost had a heart attack –and I'm the vampire… go figure– when Alice had told me suddenly, that she couldn't see Bella anymore. To feel the warmth of her gaze on my skin. To hear her laugh at something I said. To see eyes widen with wonder every time I kissed her. But I couldn't allow myself to do that do her. Right now, she may be unhappy, she may be miserable, but at least she was alive. I had put her in enough danger already. She was human. She would move on eventually. She-

My thoughts were interrupted by someone else's, and before I could tune it out, I heard them think Bella's name.

…Bella would love that. Maybe I could buy her the whole set. Yes, I think that's what I'll do. I'll surprise her.

Huh? Who could this be? I instinctively bolted into the shelter of the trees, to make sure I wasn't detected. It couldn't be Charlie. This wasn't a 'voice' that I recognized. Besides, Charlie wouldn't be home for hours. Although I did feel a pang of jealousy at the prospect of Bella allowing some other man to buy her things, I suppressed it. She never let me give her anything.

A car pulled into the driveway and the air was suddenly filled with the most unbelievably horrible stench. Werewolf.

I felt a growl building in my chest but I contained it.

The door opened and out stepped the most freakishly tall guy I had ever seen. I hadn't seen him before but I had a feeling I would be seeing more of him. Unfortunately.

He half-walked, half-jogged up the front steps and rang the bell. He kept shifting his weight around nervously, his mind racing with thoughts, almost too fast for even me to catch them. Only almost, though. What the hell is up with my heartbeat? She's just a girl, damn it. The most amazing girl, but still a girl. She shouldn't be able to make me feel this way. Especially when she isn't even here yet. Man I really need to…

But I never really heard what he needed to do, because at that moment, the door was flung open and I saw…

Her.

The dog stopped thinking. Literally. One moment he's talking –thinking– a mile a minute and the next, he's completely silent. It was as if all thought processes just left his mind. Or maybe I just didn't hear him because for a moment, all thought processes left my mind as well.

But either way, it was all I could do not to run up to her, push the dog aside and kiss her.

Wow, the dog thought.

Yea, that about sums it up.

She looked more beautiful than I've ever seen. She wore a strappy, knee length black dress with her hair spilling off her shoulders in that hurtfully familiar way. The black of her dress contrasted sharply with her pale skin and her eyes looked unbelievably dark and alluring, even from this distance.

But what really did it was her smile. It seemed as though it wasn't only her mouth, or her eyes, but her entire body was glad that he was here. With a sickening jolt, I realized that this was my smile. The one she used to wear when she opened the door to find me leaning against the doorframe. Not him.

"Jacob! Hey!" she said.

Jacob. The name was vaguely familiar. And then it clicked Jacob. Jacob Black. Billy Black's son. Of course.

"Morning, Bells," he replied, leaning down to press his lips briefly against hers. Oh, I thought. So this isn't some pathetic crush after all. He's with her.

"Ready to go?" he asked.

"Yea, let me just grab my jacket," she said and ran back in.

I felt irrationally disappointed when she left. Now that I had seen her again, I didn't want to let her out of my sight ever again. Not even for an instant. He also watched her go. Ugh, how can she be so hot?! No, not hot. She is…

I didn't hear the last bit of his sentence. I was fuming. Hot? HOT? My Bella wasn't hot. She was beyond hot.

…beautiful.

That's better.

She came back and began to move past him at a speed I really wouldn't recommend for Bella to be using. "Oh, guess what? My mom's coming to visit next month. You must have been like, 5 the last time she saw you. So she was so excited to finally get to meet you. She called last night and she – EEE!" She made it till the second step before she tripped. My reflex was to reach out and catch her, but before I could, Jacob had her in his arms a split second before she should have hit the ground. She stared at him in shock for a moment, as if not expecting to be looking into his face, before he chuckled.

"And she what?" Jacob encouraged, conversationally, although I heard him think, oh, god, not that again. I had no idea what he meant, and he didn't elaborate. Not even in his mind.

"And she would appreciate it if you would set me back on my own two feet, thanks," she said, recovering.

He sniggered, but complied. Although he did make up for the loss of contact by immediately entwining his fingers with hers. A gust of wind blew her scent at me, trying to intice me, reminding me of what I was. I breathed in deeply, taking in as much of her as I possibly could. But I felt no thirst, no desire to taste her. No, just a desire to be closer. Much, much closer.

As they got into his car, I noticed that he didn't hold the door open for her. I would, I thought enviously. This guy… he wasn't good enough for her. She needed someone better. Someone like…

You? A voice inside my head sneered. It took me a moment to realize, that it was my own voice. As if I needed to be hearing any more of those. But I couldn't make it go away. Don't forget that you left her. You broke her heart. You made her believe that you weren't in love with her. You nearly killed her. And you think you're better than this guy just because you would hold a damn door open for her?

Guilt wracked through me yet again. It was true. I had no right to complain just because she had moved on. In fact, wasn't this exactly what I had wanted? For her to find happiness? Wasn't this why I had lied to her and turned away from that best thing that would ever happen to me?

So this was probably when I should have left. I had, after all, only returned to make sure that she was okay. I had promised Carlisle that this time, I wouldn't get her involved. It would only hurt her again. And she was fine. No, better than fine. She was good. She had a man who clearly adored her, and she seemed to be happy with him. So that would have been a good time to turn around and leave. To go back to my family, and leave her behind for good.

Except that I didn't.

Instead, I got into my car and followed them. I can't give you a satisfactory reason for justifying my actions, because, frankly, even I didn't know. I kept trying to explain it to myself. I just want her to be happy. I'm just making sure. It's a werewolf. He's dangerous. What if he hurt her? But even I knew that that wasn't very likely to happen. The dog was obviously crazy about her.

I kept a safe distance. I didn't want Bella to look back and recognize my car. But I stayed close enough to be able to hear this Jacob's thoughts. I watched her through his eyes (although I wasn't too thrilled about the amount of time he spent staring at her instead of keeping an eye on the road – werewolf or not, only I was allowed to do that while in a car with Bella) and I felt myself getting hypnotized by her beauty.

How had I let her go? How had I ever managed to muster enough strength to say those words to her, and to convince her that I didn't love her? Or, more importantly, how on earth was I going to do it again?

"How's Quil?" Bella asked suddenly. "I haven't seen him for like, a month!"

Jacob laughed. "Yea, well, neither have we. Claire's still down with the cold so he's camping at her place."

She chuckled. "God, that's so sweet."

"Yea. You know, the first word she ever said was 'Kill.'"

"Kill?"

"She's 4, Bella" Jacob said with a hint of exasperation. I had a feeling she did this often. "She can't say Quil."

"Oh," Bella said, frowning. "Oh!"

Jacob laughed. "About time."

I was vaguely aware that I had followed them out of Forks, and that we were now heading toward the cliffs that overlooked the ocean and First Beach. I hadn't even hesitated to follow them through the Quileute territory.

We drove for a while, me putting a bit more distance between my car and his since the number of cars had decreased significantly. I followed them until we had reached the highest cliff, and had just begun to wonder where the hell he was taking Bella when he thought 'here we are' and began to pull over.

I fell back and did the same a considerable distance away from them. I squeezed the car between two widely spaced trees and ran the rest of the way until their car came into view. Moving as close as I dared, I heard them talking about some random things. Jacob sounded calm enough from the outside, but his mind was in a state of extreme chaos.

How do I do this? No, I can do this. She loves me. Right? RIGHT? Yes, of course she does. What reason could she possibly have to turn me down? Except for… no. no way. She'll say yes. She has to. Doesn't she?

I closed my eyes for a moment. I knew what he was going to ask. And I was terrified that she would say yes.

"So I just stared at him, right, because hello, everyone knows I'm with you. So I told him that and can you guess what he said?"

"I'm hoping he said he was going to pick a fight with me, but I'm sure even Mike Newton isn't that stupid." Though I really would like to show that piece of shit just how out of his league Bella is.

Well. At least the pup had something in common with me.

"He said," Bella went on, ignoring him. "That I should really stop denying my feelings for him and just admit that I'm only with you to get over him."

Well, it's true, isn't it? He thought, for the first time, sounding a little bitter. It may not be Mike Newton, but it certainly isn't me who you're in love with.

Beyond the bitterness, I sensed something more. I sensed an extreme and raw sadness. Kind of like what I was feeling.

"… I mean, really. I know I'm no supermodel, but Mike Newton? Even I can do better."

"Hey," Jacob said indignantly, sounding perfectly jovial. "You're better than any supermodel out there. You're perfect. You're an angel."

Bella made an extremely unangelic sound in protest. "Please."

I shook my head and smiled to myself. My Bella was so unaware of herself. Of how perfect she really was. This werewolf was right. She was an angel.

She was now looking around expectantly. "So… are you going to tell me what on earth we're doing here?"

Jacob took in a deep breath. Oh boy. "Um… Bella. There's something I've been thinking about. And, well, if you think it's a good idea, I–"

"Oh, wait," she interrupted, her face suddenly brightening. "You're finally taking me cliff diving?"

What the… oh. "No, no." Jacob shifted in his seat uneasily. "You're not dressed for that, anyway."

"Pfft. Big deal," Bella said, looking a bit disappointed now that she knew there would be no life threatening sport activities. "I could just undress. It's not like you haven't already seen whatever's in there."

Okay, I won't lie to you. That hurt. I mean, I knew that she must have, by now. He didn't really seem like the wait-until-marriage-type. But hearing her just saying it bluntly like that was like a knife wound to the chest. Except worse, because knife wounds, for a vampire? Yeah, no biggie.

But this. It made me want to gnaw his eyes out of their sockets for even looking at her bare body. I wanted to break every hand that dared touch my Bella. I wanted to stop every heart that dared love her the way I did. I hated the fact that she was happy with someone who wasn't me. I could tell myself otherwise all I wanted but I hated the fact that she was with someone else. And that that someone else had to be one of them.

I mean really. What was the matter with this girl? Vampires. Werewolves. What next? Fairies? Elves?

Jacob grinned. "Yes. But no. I can't let you, Bella. The last time… well, it was too frightening." Again something flashed across her features for just a moment, so I couldn't distinguish was it was. Pain? Disappointment?

I shouldn't have mentioned that, Jacob silently cursed himself.

I tensed too. I remembered that. If Alice hadn't come here and made sure that she was okay… but I was sort of disappointed that she cleared everything up before I managed to get on the plane on Volterra. I mean if she hadn't, then I wouldn't have to be feeling this right now. A hundred vampires couldn't hurt me the way being witness to this conversation was.

"But I know I'll be safe with you," Bella said, smiling again, but her tone was dead serious. "You saved me then and you'll save me now."

"It's too cold for you."

"You'll warm me up," she said, brushing her fingers with his.

Here we go. "Bella, I need to talk to you," he began. "The reason I brought you here today, is because this is… at least I consider this place very special. For us. This is our spot, so I figured it was… sort of appropriate."

"Jake," Bella laughed. "What are you talking about?"

"Look, Bells, you know that I love you. I have since the moment I saw you at the beach that day. And well, having you in my life is something… something I still have trouble believing sometimes."

"Jake?"

"Please let me finish," he said, and looked into her eyes. I could see her face the way he could, and hear the thoughts swirling around his mind. And I allowed myself to pretend that those were my thoughts. That I was the one she was looking at, with a mixture of affection and apprehension. That the words he was speaking were coming out of my mouth. That when he reached forward and took her hand, it was my hand that her fingers tightened around. The car we were in disappeared and suddenly, we were in the meadow. Our meadow. Our special place. I could almost smell the fragrance of the wild flowers, combined with Bella's magical scent.

And then I said, "I've been thinking of this so long. Weeks, Bella. I'm in love with you. You know that, don't you?"

"Of course," she whispered.

"No, Bella, you don't get it. I need you to understand this. I love you. More than anything. More than is healthy, I've been told. Bella… will you…"

"Wait. Are you… You're asking me to…"

"Marry me, Bella," I said. "Marry me and allow me to love you forever."

"Oh, Jake."

And reality crashed down on me.

Jake, not Edward. I had allowed myself my little moment of luxury, of pretending to be the speaker those words. The words that I would give anything to be able to say to her, albeit a bit differently.

She just stared at him, her face unreadable. "Oh Jake," she said again. "I… I'm sorry. I can't."

Oh god, oh my god. Did she say she CANT? She... this wasn't how it was meant to go. Doesn't she… oh. She doesn't love me. Shit.

"Bella, please."

"Jake… I can't," she whispered. "I… I…"

Stop doing this to her, he thought. Let it go. You've upset her enough for one day. "I understand," Jacob said, lowering his gaze. "You don't feel the same way." I understand? UNDERSTAND? Of course I don't bloody understand. I love you!

"No, no, no…" she hastily corrected him. "I love you, Jacob. I do. You just… I don't deserve you. You can do so much better."

He actually laughed a bit. So much better? Like who? Jessica Stanley? LEAH?

"Bella, it's you I want. There will never be anyone else. I love you."

"You don't get it, do you?" she said, tears springing to her eyes. "I'm not… I'm not who you think I am. I'm not even whole, Jacob! I can't do you justice. I love you too much to do that to you."

"It's about the le- Edward, isn't it?" he asked quietly. He corrected himself for her benefit, but I heard what he had almost said loud and clear. Leech.

She flinched at the mention of my name. That's right. Fliched. Still crying, she nodded. "I'm sorry. I just… I don't want to..." She looked up at him with eyes so saddened that it didn't matter that I couldn't read her mind. She was breaking into pieces. "I just do."

He leaned forward and scooped her up in his arms, stroking her hair as she rested her head on his chest. "I know, Bella. I know."

She tried to move away, but he held on. "You… you know?" she asked, incredulously.

"Yes, I do," he said. "And it's okay. I know you still love him. But you love me too."

"I do," she rushed to assure him. "I really do."

"Then that's settled," he said gently. "You've come such a long way, Bella. Don't run back now. In time, it'll go away." I'll make it go away. I'll love you so much that the bloodsucker won't have any choice.

"But what if it doesn't?"

"Then I'll still love you. Forever, Bella. And you will love me too. Only me. Just give yourself some time."

"Jake…" she moved away to look into his eyes. "You'll be miserable."

He smiled and wiped away her tears. "I won't. I'll be with you."

She closed her eyes and shook her head with a small smile. "You're too good to me." Then, she seemed to make up her mind and opened her eyes.

Jacob looked at her expectantly. "Well?" he prompted. "Is it a yes or do I have to try again next year?"

She came closer to him and their lips met for a second. "It's a yes."

I clenched my eyes shut and bowed my head. That was it. The decision was made. She was his Bella now. Not mine.

I stayed there until long after they drove off. I sat leaning against a tree, replaying the words over and over again, knowing that it was for the best, and yet feeling as though everything in the world had just gone horribly, terribly wrong.

She still loved me. She still loved me.

And she was going to marry him.

Maybe… maybe I hadn't done the right thing when I left. Maybe assuming that her love would fade with time was a mistake. What if we had been meant to be together and I had just messed everything up myself? I mean, if I hadn't left, we would all possibly have been happy right now. I would be with Bella, she would be with me, and the werewolf would never have to get involved. So wouldn't that work out much better than this, where none of us would ever be truly happy?

I didn't know.

All I knew was that this pain I felt in the pit of my stomach… it wasn't right. It felt as though something was growing… building up inside of me. My sadness mingled with regret and I hated myself. I hated the monster that I was. My silent heart was breaking, and the pieces scraped at my insides. My vision was suddenly blurry and I felt a strange pressure at the back of my throat. I reached up to touch my face and realized that it was wet.

How strange.

I tasted the liquid and sure enough, it tasted salty. I couldn't believe it. Never, not once since I had become a vampire had I cried. Neither had any other vampire I had come across. Carlisle said… he said vampires couldn't cry.

I was overcome by happiness at discovering this new, human experience, but at the same time, my grief was overwhelming. I felt closer to Bella than ever before, and yet, so, so far away.

I slowly got to my feel and walked at human speed back to my car, where I sat until dawn, and wept.

Please, please PLEASE review. Or I'll… uh… I'LL KILL EDWARD.

Oh and this is a oneshot for now. But I may also write this in Jacob and Bella's POV if enough people ask me too. Or maybe I could take the story further and have Edward and Bella meet again... I dont know, so you guys tell me.