Disclaimer: I don't own InuYasha, nor do I own the song I'm Not Here.
I really need to stop stay up to 1:30 am. It does funny things to my brain.
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I'm Still Here
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I am a question to the world,
Not an answer to be heard.
Or a moment that's held in your arms.
And what do you think you'd ever say?
I won't listen anyway…
You don't know me,
And I'll never be what you want me to be.
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InuYasha sat in the branches of an old, dead tree, staring out as the sun set. He shook his head, wondering when life had gotten so complicated. First Kikyou pins him to the tree, then he's awake again, only 50 years later. Kikyou is dead, he's pissed off at some look-a-like reincarnation of her, and the jewel is smashed. Keh.
He looked down at his traveling companions, who were settling down for the night. Kagome leaned against the tree he was in, sitting on her sleeping bag with the kitsune cub, Shippo, on her lap, staring at the dying embers of the fire. Shippo snorted slightly in his sleep, and shifted. Kagome looked down to pat him on the head, before turning back to the fire.
His glance shifted, looking next at that perverted monk. Why he had let himself be convinced to bring him along was beyond him. He supposed that he was glad Miroku was along now--after all, his wind tunnel had gotten them all out of some rather bad situations.
His gaze moved around again, landing on the final two members of the group. The taijiya leaned against a tree, opposite the clearing from Miroku. He couldn't blame her in the least, what with the monk's wandering hands. She was petting the two tailed cat, Kirara, who was laying next to her in kitten form. When they had first met her, she had attacked them as being the killers of her village, believing that through Naraku's doing. But she had soon realized the truth and joined with them to fight against the one who had tried to turn her against them in the first place.
Speaking of which...Naraku, that bastard. If it wasn't for him, he would never have lost those 50 years.
But...if it wasn't for him, he wouldn't have met his companions. Kagome would never have come back in time. Miroku would still have his father, and wouldn't be living with a wind tunnel in his palm. Sango would be happy in her village, and they would all be alive. And himself...
If it wasn't for Naraku, he would probably be a human. And he'd be with Kikyou. Though he didn't know any more if that was a good thing.
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And what do you think you'd understand?
I'm a boy, no, I'm a man..
You can't take me and throw me away.
And how can you learn what's never shown?
Yeah, you stand here on your own.
They don't know me 'cause I'm not here.
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The next morning found the group on the move again, looking for shards. They walked down a dirt path through the forest. The path wasn't well traveled--probably nothing more than a path beaten out by wild animals. InuYasha was still lost in his thoughts from the night before. Kagome was worried for him---he was never this quiet. Even when Shippo had tugged his ears, he had merely pulled the kit off and handed him to Kagome. She glanced at his face, and saw an expression of troubled thought.
"InuYasha?" She spoke softly, so that Sango and Miroku wouldn't catch her words. "What are you thinking about?"
His expression blanked for a second, as if he was coming out of a daze, before he turned his head to face Kagome. He looked at her, his ears drooping slightly, betraying his sadness.
"Kagome...what if...what if Naraku had never existed?"
She blinked, surprised at such deep thought from the normally violent, shallow-minded hanyou. She looked down at the path as she trudged along it. Her thoughts caught on the words. "What if Naraku had never existed?" She mulled over this thought for a few minutes. Sadness mixed with happiness colored her thoughts--She wouldn't be here, but Sango would still have her brother, her village. Miroku wouldn't have his wind tunnel. He could live a normal life. InuYasha would not have spent 50 years pinned to a tear by one he had loved. But she would never have met InuYasha. Kikyou would still be alive. Her mind continued along this, but the one thing that stuck in her mind the most was that she would never have met InuYasha, never have met her friends.
She would never have met InuYasha...that thought made her very, very sad. It was ironic to her, that even when he was doing evil, Naraku had still done some good.
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And I want a moment to be real,
Wanna touch things I don't feel,
Wanna hold on and feel I belong.
And how can the world want me to change,
They're the ones that stay the same.
They don't know me,
'Cause I'm not here.
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"InuYasha?"
"Yeah?"
"I've thought about it..."
He looked at her, traces of his earlier sadness still evident on his face. A thoughtful expression was on her face. He waited for her to continue speaking.
"Alot of happiness would still be in this world if he hadn't been created. But there would also be happiness lost. Sango would still have her family, yes, but she'd lose Miroku, who we both know she loves. Miroku would lose his wind tunnel, and he'd probably still have his father, but in the same case with Sango, he'd lose the one he loves. You...you wouldn't have been pinned for fifty years, and Kikyou would be alive--really alive, not as she is now. You'd...you'd probably be human and married to her, with children. And me..." She paused, and the scent of salt tinged the air as she continued again. "I'd never have met my friends, I'd never have met you, and that seems to hurt the most. I know I'm being selfish, being thankful that Naraku was around so that I could meet you, but..." She stopped there, as a tear trailed down her face. InuYasha looked up towards the stars, thinking about what she had said.
"If you're being selfish, then so am I..."
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And you see the things they never see
All you wanted, I could be
Now you know me, and I'm not afraid
And I wanna tell you who I am
Can you help me be a man?
They can't break me
As long as I know who I am
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"Sango?"
Sango looked across the hot spring at Kagome. "Yeah?"
"What If Naraku had never existed?"
"I...I don't know..."
"Okay. I was just wondering---it's been on my mind all day."
They fell silent. Sango looked up towards the stars overhead.
"If Naraku had never existed..."
Her throat caught, and tears sprang to her eyes as the immediate reaction pass through her mind.
"Kohaku would still be alive...Father, the village...they'd all be alive."
Tears slipped down her face, plinking as they hit the water, one after the other. Other thoughts crossed her mind, slowly dribbling in after the initial thought passed.
"I wouldn't know Miroku...I'd never know Kagome, or InuYasha, or Shippo...Miroku wouldn't have his wind tunnel. He's still have his father. But I wouldn't know Miroku..."
Her thoughts chased themselves into circles, and sadness tainted them all.
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And I want a moment to be real,
Wanna touch things I don't feel,
Wanna hold on and feel I belong.
And how can the world want me to change,
They're the ones that stay the same.
They can't see me,
But I'm still here.
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Sango passed on the question to Miroku. He had similar thoughts, and the most saddening for him was that he would never have met Sango. Even the lure of not having his wind tunnel anymore couldn't offset that. He stared morosely at the campfire, the small fish that was his dinner remaining untouched and uneaten. Unable to chase his thoughts away, he told the others he was going for a walk, and left the campsite. His thoughts ran in circles.
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"Kagome?"
"I would never have met Miroku."
Kagome smiled sadly at her.
"And I would never
have met
InuYasha."
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They can't tell me who to be,
'Cause I'm not what they see.
And the world is still sleepin',
While I keep on dreamin' for me.
And their words are just whispers
And lies that I'll never believe.
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"You'll never win Naraku!"
Naraku laughed at them, staring them down as he grinned maliciously.
"And you really think you're going to beat me? You're acting like a mopey puppy with the way you're fighting! Really InuYasha, you are off your form!"
He was. They all were. It was only a few day s after InuYasha had first spoken the question, but the sadness it left behind had taken its toll. This fight was shaping up to be a lose for them, if they didn't get into this fight for real. InuYasha snarled, pushing his thoughts away.
"Really, Naraku, even a mopey puppy--which I'm NOT-- could beat you!"
It was Naraku's turn to snarl at InuYasha, as he lashed out at him. InuYasha leaped to the side, avoiding the attack, but slower than usually, as the battle pushed the thoughts to the forefront.
"Lost in thought, are you, InuYasha?"
"SHIT!" InuYasha jumped forward, startled, barely avoiding getting hurt by Naraku, who had whispered in his ear from behind him."Hell...we're losing, and it's all cause of my stupid thoughts!" he turned around, facing Naraku, holding Tessaiga at the ready.
"These thoughts won't rule me!"
His exclaimation startled Naraku, seeming to be completely offtopic for the fight. InuYasha used his brief startlement to press the attack, unleashing a windscar that hit Naraku due to his distraction. Naraku, wounded, fled before InuYasha could do more damage.
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And I want a moment to be real,
Wanna touch things I don't feel,
Wanna hold on and feel I belong.
And how can they say I never change
They're the ones that stay the same.
I'm the one now,
'Cause I'm still here.
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"InuYasha?"
"Yeah Kagome?"
"I can't keep thinking about What If's. Other ones popup and those other ones seem to hurt more. I don't want to think about the what if of Naraku anymore. Besides, no matter how much we think it, he's still here."
"Neither do I..."
He fell silent, and looked up into the clear sky.
"InuYasha?"
'Yeah?"
"Nevermind. It's silly."
He turned to look at her, and raised an eyebrow.
"Considering it's you, I doubt it's silly. Especially since if I agree with you, I get sat. Probably multiple times, cause with all this thinking going on, I haven't been sat in a week."
She sighed and looked away. She spoke quietly, and even with his enhanced hearing, nearly didn't catch it.
"What if...What if I said I loved you?"
"Kagome..."
He reached over and hugged her, briefly, before turning her loose. He spoke in a whisper, to answer her, but she was close enough that she heard him anyway.
"What if I said the same?"
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I'm the one,
'Cause I'm still here.
I'm still here.
I'm still here.
I'm still here.
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If it wasn't for Naraku, he would probably be with Kikyou...
But somehow, it didn't seem to matter anymore.
He was where he belonged.
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End
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