Title: The Question
Series: Musical Inspiration
Author: Melissa
Email: princessbuffy79@hotmail.com
Summary: Answer to challenge by Christopher AKA Raven's bard. The challenge is as follows:
Songfic for Lifehouse's "Hanging By A Moment"
Disclaimer: Buffy and all others belong to the great and powerful Oz, I mean Joss (same diff.). The words to the song "Hanging by a Moment" were written by and belong to Jason Wade.
Distribution: You want it? Just ask.
Feedback: Duh! Much appreciated.
~Desperate for changing
Starving for truth~
God, she is so beautiful! I can't help but smile at the blond sitting across the table from me. Buffy. I'm glad Willow and I were able to get her to come with us to the Bronze. She hasn't been out since her mother died. Even now, she doesn't smile. I'm trying, but for once, my oozing charm doesn't seem to be working. I long to see her smile again.
Buffy must have felt my eyes on her. She looks up and I can feel my breath catch when her eyes meet mine. The sadness is still there. I don't think it will ever completely go away. But there is something else there, something I have never seen before. But what it is, I haven't got a clue.
~I'm closer to where I started
I'm chasing after you~
I can feel someone else's eyes on me. I don't have to turn around to know its Anya. I can feel the anger in her glare. It's so intense. I feel horrible for making her feel that way. I loved her in a way. I really did. But there was a part of my heart that would always belong to Buffy. In many ways, Buffy will always be my first love. Anya couldn't live with that, though. She wanted to be the only one in my heart. That was something I couldn't give her, so I let her go. She needs to be free, to find someone who loves her the way I love Buffy.
~I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto~
I do love Buffy. I thought I had put that part of my life behind me. The intense longing for what I can't have…it's pointless. But here I am, once again yearning for the unattainable. At least now I don't have to watch her make out with someone who isn't me.
~I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you~
Willow and Tara get up and move out onto the dance floor. Buffy slides over and curls up in the vacant spot next to me. Her heavenly scent invades my senses, sending them into overdrive. My heart does an irregular dance when she picks up my hand and wraps it in her tiny one.
"Xander," her voice is barely audible over the loud music that fills the club.
"Yeah?" I reply.
"Thank you," she tells me.
"For what?" I don't know what she's talking about.
"For bringing me here, getting me out of the house," Buffy is speaking into my ear, allowing me to hear her better. Her moist breath on my ear is making it hard to concentrate on her words, though. "Thank you for being there for me lately. I didn't want to be alone, but I didn't have to worry about that. You've always been there for me when I needed you."
I'm surprised, to say the least. Of course I was going to be there for her. She was going through so much. I'd never leave her. I haven't yet, even when the going got tough. When she hurts, I hurt. So I figure, why not hurt together?
I know this might come as a shock, but I am left speechless. I squeeze Buffy's hand, hoping she understands. I think she does. She smiles at me, the first real smile I've seen grace her face in weeks. And I smile back. What else can I do?
The first notes of a slow song begin to play and I stand up. Bowing slightly, I ask, "So Buff, care to dance?" She accepts and we move to the center of the room.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
~Forgetting all I'm lacking
Completely incomplete~
I sigh as Xander pulls me to the middle of the dance floor. Sitting at the home had given me too much time to think. Thinking leads to pain. I can't help but think of my mom and how much I wish she were still here. I kept looking up, hoping to see her walk through the front door and tell me about her day. But those days are gone. My mom is gone. And I am alone.
Or so I first thought. I realize now that I was wrong. I will never be alone as long as I have my friends. They have been so good to me these past few weeks. They have helped me to start the process of moving on. I will always miss my mother, but at least I am not alone. They have shared my grief and I could never thank them enough. Especially Xander. He has been extremely patient with me lately. He goes on patrol with me, sleeps on my couch at night, and offers me his shoulder to cry on when I need it. He is always there for me. And I can't help but think about him more and more. I'm reminded of the expression, 'You never realize what's been in front of you all along.' Or something like that. I'm not very good with expressions. I have been longing for that 'special someone' to share my life with, not realizing I already had one.
But I now wonder, am I too late? I have nothing to offer him, nothing except my love. I definitely don't have the best track record when it comes to relationships. And I have been blind to his affections for years. I even rejected him. Will he even consider sharing something with me? I don't know and to be honest, I'm scared of the answer.
~I'll take your invitation
You take all of me now~
He asked me to dance. Lucky me, it's a slow one. It's as if I have been given permission to get closer to him. Lately, any distance between us is too great. I wrap my arms around his waist and lay my head on his chest. I smile as he wraps his arms around me. Are we moving? Maybe a gentle sway back and forth, but I'm pretty sure we are just standing here. But I don't mind. *Xander, I'm going to offer myself to you. All of me. My heart and my soul. I just need to build up my courage first.*
~I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto~
I really like Xander. I know that now. I can't believe it took me so long to notice that what I wanted was standing in front of me all along. But here he is. The man of my dreams. He's strong, tender, caring, funny, and beautiful, both inside and out. Plus, he already knows all of my deep, dark secrets, but he doesn't care. He knows the real me and he's still here. He hasn't left me once in the past five years. I never question him. I know he won't leave me. Not now, not ever.
~I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you~
What if he says no? I have to be prepared for rejection. Sure, it will hurt like hell. But I have to remain strong. I'll have to live with the fact he just wants to be friends. But it will hurt. Just like I hurt him, so many years ago. I want to kick myself every time I think about that day. He offered himself to me and I rejected him. How much heartache and pain would I have saved myself if I had accepted his offer? I may never know, but I want a second chance for his heart.
~I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you~
Oh god, please give me the strength. I don't know what to do. I'm so terrified he'll say no. But is he worth the risk? Yes. That's all I need to know. I don't think I can live with myself if I don't ask.
~There's nothing else to lose
There's nothing else to find
There's nothing in the world
That could change my mind
There is nothing else..~
"Xander?" Did my voice just squeak? Please, let me get through this. Oh god, he's looking at me. Staring at me with those beautiful brown eyes of his. I have to ask. He's waiting…
"Can I have you?"
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
~Desperate for changing
Starving for truth~
My heart stops. I can no longer hear the music in the background and the other people just fade away. The only thing I see is Buffy. Beautiful Buffy.
"Can I have you?" she asks me again, this time louder. A few people dancing near us stop and stare. But they don't matter. She is the only thing that matters to me.
"How do you mean?" Please, don't play with my heart. Let this be true. Please, let this be my turn. I deserve the chance to be happy. We deserve it.
"I want to be with you," she looks like she wants to say more, but is holding back. Come on Buffy, I silently plead. Just say it.
"I love you."
~I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you~
She said it. I thought I could never love Buffy more than I already did, but I was wrong. My heart feels as if it could burst, I'm so happy right now. Buffy Summers just told me that she loves me. Me. Alexander Lavelle Harris. Wow!
"Ask me again." I tell her.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
~I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you~
Is he toying with me? I can't believe I told him I love him. I never meant to, it just slipped out. But I knew it was true, the moment I said it. My head finally understands what my heart knew all along. My heart belongs to Alexander Harris. Not Angel. Not Riley. Just Xander. It always has and always will.
"Can I have you?" I repeat.
Xander leans over and smiles that lopsided grin I love so much. "I thought you'd never ask."
I can't help myself. I throw my arms around him and he lifts me up. Our lips meet and words cannot describe what I am feeling right now. Relief, joy, fear, and sadness…they are all mixed in. But elation is the overwhelming emotion of the moment. He said yes. All around us, people begin to clap, but I don't care. All that matters is that he said yes.
I feel like I'm floating. Wait a minute, I am. My feet are nowhere near the ground. I don't care. I wrap my arms around Xander's neck and bury my head into his shoulder. He said yes. He's mine and I'm never going to let him go.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Buffy asked me the very same question I asked her when we first met. Of course I said yes, what else could I say? My heart has always belonged to her. Not Cordelia. Not even Anya. Just Buffy. It always has and always will.
~Just hanging by a moment...
I'm hanging by a moment here with you