It is a Sad Man Who Doubts

by Lily Evans Potter Black Lupin

A reflection by Takumi about his relationship with Hachi!

This is a story that came to mind when I was hearing Bruce Springsteen's "Brilliant Disguise"!

I hold you in my arms

there is a band playing

What are those words whispered baby

just as you turn away

It is A Sad Man, the One Who Doubts What He's Sure Of

Really, Takumi didn't know how it had happened to him, He had changed he knew. And surprisingly it had been this soft, weak and indecisive woman that lay next to him that was responsible for this change. God knew he had caused her a lot of pain, he didn't know how to be kind. it was a human trait he lacked and sometimes wished that he didn't. His words were a defense mechanism that had served to help keep anything that might hurt him at bay, and for the past 15 years it had served him well.

I saw you last night
out on the edge of town
I wanna read your mind
To know just what I've got in this new thing I've found

Yet, now one sad look and a few moments looking at the slender shoulders that shook as their owner tried to keep from crying and he felt himself wanting to ask forgiveness. yes indeed he had changed and he wasn't sure he was prepared for it, because it made him vulnerable and being vulnerable was the worst position to be in, it meant being able to feel hurt, to feel despair. This change meant that his self-promise that no woman would ever come before his music and his Reira was broken, because he knew that if there came a time to decide between the two, his Nana would be chosen.

This feeling of completeness was new to Takumi, even when he was playing for Reira and for Trapnest, he had never felt such contentedness. In fact he had worked as a madman because he had not been able to convince himself that he was complete, and now with one look, with one caress, he had found it. How he would like to know what Nana thought, what she felt for him. Did she love him? did she suffer? Was she really happy with him or was the one she dreamed about that other man, the dreamer Nobu?

So tell me what I see
when I look in your eyes
Is that you baby
or just a brilliant disguise

The Nana that Takumi held at night, was she the original, the real thing? or was she the ghost of herself. She tried so much to fit the image of the perfect wife that sometimes Takumi didn't know what to do, he didn't want her to feel the need to be subservient. And it was at those times that he saw her try to be so perfect that he hated himself, because he knew he could never even fit the image of the perfect husband quite as well as she filled the image of the perfect wife. And more than anything he didn't want her to resent him for making her feel that she needed to change herself to be with him, that was what he least wanted in the world anyways.

He liked the dreaming Hachi, the one so different from himself that made him open his eyes to the beautiful things in the world. After all he had never seen a more beautiful Hachi than the one that was dreaming. And he hoped that in that dream fantasy world of hers, there was room for him to join. More than anything he hoped to be able to hold the Hachi without any frills without any disguises, being herself, even if she felt petty or selfish he wanted to be there. He wanted to always be able to be the one she relied on in times of trouble.

I heard somebody call your name
from underneath our willow
I saw something tucked in shame
underneath your pillow

It had been some time since Takumi had seen Hachi socialize with Blackstones. Those people were all very important to Hachi, so he wouldn't say anything about her renewed involvement with them. But he knew, he knew that within that group there was one dreamer that was the closest to his wife. And he also knew that each time that she saw that boy, she became sad, perhaps imagining what could have been if she had chosen her love instead of security. Takumi knew this, that there was some other man whom Hachi loved better, but he was willing to work to erase that to become the one she most loved.

Well I've tried so hard baby
but I just can't see
What a woman like you
is doing with me

Though Takumi knew from the beginning that Hachi didn't really love him. He sometimes wondered if he could ever get her to fall in love with him. And he wondered what really kept her at his side, after all security was hers for the rest of her life even if she decided to divorce him, he would make sure that she never lacked for anything, that her house was full of beautiful things that her kitchen was well stocked and that their child was taken care even if the kid should result not to be his.

So tell me who I see
when I look in your eyes
Is that you baby
or just a brilliant disguise

What was she thinking? Why was she with him? Perhaps she did it out of the feeling of obligation, perhaps she in the end, would never fall in love with him. Really he knew in his heart that if it was so, it would end much better if they were to separate now, however even if her reasons were one of obligation he knew he would never really be strong enough to cut their relationship short himself, he had fallen for her too deeply.

Now look at me baby
struggling to do everything right
And then it all falls apart
when out go the lights

Takumi knew in his heart that not telling Hachi how he felt, and in keeping the cold façade was a horrible way of living. It meant that she didn't expect too much from him and that could be a blessing, because that way she'd never be disappointed in him. It would be best for her if she never realized how stupid and how alone he truly was, because he never wanted to be pitied by her. She was stronger in that way, she didn't fear being pitied because she had learned to accept her responsibility for the troubles in her life.

I'm just a lonely pilgrim
I walk this world in wealth
I want to know if it's you I don't trust
'cause I damn sure don't trust myself

In Takumi's life there were few people who could be said to be close to him, and these were Yasu, Ren and Reira, they were the only ones before Hachi that could be said to know him better than anyone, yet he'd never trust them. After all how could he trust Yasu and Ren when they at one point had each tried to sully the angel Reira that he had placed on a pedestal. And how could he ever trust Reira, who was so prone to talk about love ant he red thread of fate to him, when he had told her more than once that they were brother and sister in spirit if not in blood, that it was impossible for him to ever see her as anything more. How could he trust them? He loved them all, but he'd never trust them with that knowledge. With Hachi it was different he wanted her to know, and he wanted to trust and be trusted by her.

Now you play the loving woman
I'll play the faithful man
But just don't look too close
into the palm of my hand

Takumi had tried to remain as he had been before his marriage to Hachi, he'd kept up his playboy lifestyle, and even though he had sworn to love and be faithful to Hachi, those first months, he had broken that promise. He remembered her face and how it broke when she realized he had other women, and he remembered the blank look that had quickly followed and how she had played it off and said no more about that.

We stood at the alter
the gypsy swore our future was right
But come the wee wee hours
Well maybe baby the gypsy lied

She continuously ignored the topic of infidelity, she never asked him again what he did at night when he was not at home, but he knew it bothered her. He had once asked here why she didn't watch television, and she just answered, "I don't want to know." And then she had switched swiftly to a more upbeat Hachi and had said. "Television rots the mind, and I want little Sachiko to be strong and intelligent, not like me, and certainly not a me who cries at the TV." and she had left it at that, but I wondered what she saw on TV that made her cry, perhaps it had been that video where I came out late at night from a hotel room the week before, but that time I cut off the ties I'd had with that woman, because I didn't want to continue to be Hachi's pain.

So when you look at me
you better look hard and look twice
Is that me baby
or just a brilliant disguise

I have decided, that I Takumi of Trapnest, will work my damn hardest to be the man that Nana, my Hachi needs. I want to be able to overcome her love for Nobu, and become the one most prominent in her heart. I have no expectations that she will stop loving the boy, or that she will cut off all ties with him, he was too precious to her for that to occur, but I hope that she realizes that the her that is hidden from the dreamer is able to appear in front of me. I want her to know that I will never abandon her no matter how selfish or how vain she really turns out to be, because we are a good thing, because in the end we are ourselves at our worst to each other, and still we are able to hold each other up. All that is needed is our love to meet in the middle ground. I will proceed with a steady step because in the end we are truly the best and worst of each other, and it truly a sad man that doubts what he's sure of.

Tonight our bed is cold
I'm lost in the darkness of our love
God have mercy on the man
Who doubts what he's sure of

-Brilliant Disguise

I hope you all like it!

-Lily Evans Potter Black Lupin