Kim Possible belongs to Disney and no copyright infringement is intended.
This takes place right after the episode Gorilla Fist. You may see this as a prequel to my story Change of Plans if you wish to.
SIMPLE MATCHMAKING
Ron would have collapsed on the ground if it hadn't been for the tree that he was leaning his back against. His legs felt like jelly from all the walking and carrying luggage that he had done with Yori, and now it looked like he was in for much of the same with Kim. He'd probably be a cripple by the time they got home.
"Aww, how much longer until Wade's ride gets here?" he moaned.
"Just an hour or two. He said he was sending over a friend," Kim said.
This had certainly been one of their most bizarre adventures so far. The fact that Yori had asked for his help in saving Sensei from Monkey Fist hadn't been that unusual, but Ron would have never expected the situation to turn entirely upside-down like it had. To think what lengths Amy had gone to just to get her hands on the simian man made Ron want to shake his head, or shudder in disgust, or preferably both.
"Then why do we have to hurry? You said it's only about a mile to our destination," Ron said, meaning the closest spot of clear ground where a helicopter could land for them.
"Yes, but it's a mile through thick rainforest, Ron. It's a lot harder to advance in a place like this," Kim pointed out.
"But can't we at least rest for a while? I need something to drink! My throat is starting to feel like the Sahara desert!" Ron said.
Kim stopped to take a look back at her friend. "Hmm," she muttered. "Well, alright. I guess ten minutes won't hurt."
"Alright! So, what do you have to drink?" Ron asked.
"Nothing. I think I lost my equipment some time after DNAmy kidnapped us. You're the one with the backpack," Kim said.
Ron glanced at his pack over his shoulder. "Oh, right. But that's not going to help us. I had some soda, but it's all gone now," he said. He and Rufus hadn't exactly been holding back on their flight with Yori.
Which reminded him…
"KP, I need a bathroom break," he announced, making Kim sigh in exasperation.
"Fine. You go that way, and I'll go and see if I can find us some fruit," she said.
"You'd better take Rufus with you. He can smell a papaya from ten miles away," Ron said.
Rufus popped his head out of the boy's pocket and gave Kim a thumbs-up before jumping down and skipping over to her. She picked him up and placed him into her own pocket. He immediately started sniffing the air and quickly pointed his claw to their right.
"There!" he exclaimed.
Glad for that there'd be something to eat when he got back, Ron took the path that was going left and hummed to himself as he found the perfect bush for his procedure. He glanced behind his back to make sure that Kim was out of sight and reached down to unzip his pants.
"No! Wait!" the bush screamed.
Ron glanced down at the plant and did a double-take.
"Aah! Monkey Fist!" he exclaimed as he saw the villain's face among the thick layers of green.
Oh, man. Now he'd be having toilet-related monkey nightmares for weeks!
"Shh! Not so loud," Monkey Fist whispered hastily and gestured for Ron to lower his voice.
"What are you doing in the bush?" Ron asked, lifting a suspicious brow at his arch enemy.
"I'm hiding from her," Monkey Fist replied. He glanced around with wild eyes, like he was expecting DNAmy's massive gorilla form to come running at him at any time. Ron supposed that he couldn't blame the villain. He'd probably be running for his life as well if DNAmy was after him.
"I guess that makes sense," he admitted slowly. He didn't really know what he was supposed to do or said now. It was one thing to talk to Monkey Fist when they were in the same cell and shared their predicament, but just standing here like this was pretty awkward. Heck, just a few seconds more and he would have been peeing on his arch foe.
"Yes. Now go away and leave me alone!" Monkey Fist snapped.
"You realise that you aren't going to solve this problem by hiding like that, right?" Ron asked.
"Actually, yes I am. I will wait until she goes away and then make my escape," Monkey Fist said.
It was a strategy that Ron probably would have used himself. He couldn't even count how many times he had been avoiding doing some big homework assignment in the hopes that an earthquake would destroy the school before the deadline. Sadly, this rather excessive amount of experience on pretending that a problem didn't exist had taught him one lesson well; the problem never went away on its own.
He rubbed the back of his neck thoughtfully. "You know, why don't you just try to talk to her? She's an intelligent woman. You'll just have to make it clear that you're not interested," he said.
"Talk to her?" Monkey Fist shrieked, forgetting his own advice and flinching when he realised how loud his voice was. He continued in a quieter tone, "You can't talk to her! You saw her! She's beyond reason!"
Yeah, Ron guessed DNAmy was pretty messed up. Nobody in their right mind would have turned themselves into a gorilla just to impress someone. Then again, knowing Monkey Fist's fixation with everything simian, Ron couldn't blame Amy for thinking that it might be a good idea. After all, he had had something similar done to himself, by her, even.
In fact, both Amy and Monkey Fist were real nutcases. Out of all of their enemies, it was these two that made Ron wonder if all the therapy in the world would even begin to help them. Maybe there was something more productive to get them off their back. If two minuses made a plus, why wouldn't the same apply to insanity and general weirdness?
"Are you sure you should be that hard on her? I mean, she did all this because she thought it would make you happy. She obviously loves you," he pointed out.
"That's not love! That's obsession! Every sane person would give up after it has been made painfully obvious that they can't have what they want!" Monkey Fist raged.
"Dude, I don't think you're in the position to hand out advice like that," Ron said.
"And what's that supposed to mean?"
"Nothing. It's just that someone is a little overeager to declare themselves the Ultimate Monkey Master even though it has been proven time and time again that they're aren't exactly qualified for the job. That's all I'm saying," Ron said.
"That's an entirely different matter!" Monkey Fist snapped. "It's my destiny to become the Ultimate Monkey Master, whereas Amy is only a delusional daydreamer who doesn't know when to quit!"
He stopped to gather his thoughts for a while and blinked a few times like an idea had suddenly hit him. A wicked grin slowly took over his features. "And that reminds me. This is just as good an opportunity as any to rid myself of you!" he said, stepping out of the bush and advancing at Ron.
Ron backed a few steps and wondered how fast Kim could make it to him if he yelled. He raised his fists into a defensive position and braced himself for a battle that was sure to come. He could only hope that he had improved enough to be a match to his nemesis.
"Are you really sure this is the right time for this?" he asked.
"What could be better?" Monkey Fist asked. "After everything that I have been through on this rotten day, I more than deserve this!"
Ron leapt aside to avoid a strike that would have broken his neck and dashed behind a tree to win some time to get back on his feet. He blocked Monkey Fist's next blow and grimaced at the pain that shot through his arm at the impact.
"Don't you think you're wasting your time?" he asked.
"What ever gives you that idea?" Monkey Fist asked.
"Well," Ron said and leapt up to aim a kick at his enemy's side, only to have his attack dodged, "if I were you'd I'd be busy getting out of here before Amy catches up with me."
Monkey Fist laughed. "Do you have any idea how large this rainforest is? The odds that --"
"Honey bunny! Where are you?"
They both froze, currently captured in an armlock, as the high-pitched voice washed over them.
Now it was Ron's turn to grin. He savoured the look of sudden panic and fear on Monkey Fist's face and chuckled.
"Well?" he asked.
For a moment, Monkey Fist looked undecided between slaughtering Ron and running for his life, but his survival instincts quickly triumphed. With a fearful yelp, he rushed past Ron and dashed down the path towards the heart of the jungle.
Not soon after, DNAmy emerged from the opposite direction, destroying everything on her way as she trampled onwards in her genetically altered gorilla body.
"Oh, it's you. Have you seen my monkey pudding?" she asked.
"He went that way," Ron said and pointed to the path Monkey Fist had taken.
"Why, thank you!" Amy squealed and continued on her merry way.
"And he said that he really, really loves you! He's just too shy to admit it!" Ron yelled after her.
He felt a little guilty about giving Amy false hope like that, but he reasoned that if she was delusional enough to think Monkey Fist had feelings for her in the first place, he hadn't done any damage that hadn't already been there.
Besides, he thought as he got back to the procedure that had brought him to the spot in the first place, sometimes people just had to be pushed into the right direction, even if they were screaming and fighting back all the way. Maybe some hot gorilla loving was exactly what Monkey Fist needed to mellow out a little.