Never You

...

This train...was my end of everything. The end of my past, the end my present, the end of my future. My end. The Snakes are no more, and neither is their leader. I understand the meaning of my name now. Alphard. Solitude. Loneliness. I wonder if Al'shua translates to "Regret", since this is what I feel the most right now. They say it takes failure to realize how you could have achieved success.

The night is cold and cloudy. And as I'm standing on the rooftop of this hotel in a small town, which I don't even know the name of, my memory decides, yet again, to not let me rest.

I remember back then. Way back then, years ago, when we met on that train the first time. I wish I could have told you right back then when it had happened. I didn't kill Siam for the reason you think I did. Yes. Yes, I did grab that suitcase with the virus and I started using it for my own, twisted plans. But this and Siam's death are not connected. He had to die. There was no other way. This was the only thing I had ever done right in my life. I had planned this for a long, long time and you...you were living proof that I had to do it. You never realized it, because when Siam took you in, you were so young that you barely remembered your real family. I was different though. When Siam started to teach me, I was a few years older than you had been. I knew what a family felt like. A mother's concern, a father's pride, a family's love...I knew those things. I remembered them. Siam never was my family. He was merely my mentor. A man, who taught me to fight. A man, lonely and sick enough that he would find nothing wrong with adopting little orphans and teach them how to hate, how to fight, how to kill without remorse.

I never blamed you. Siam had a father-like aura around him. You accepted him because he accepted you and because of that, you never questioned him. ...But I did. And I was proven right the moment I saw you. I decided I wouldn't allow him to continue. I had already joined up with the Snakes back then, so I thought maybe he wouldn't see through me. But he did. He was aware that, when I killed him, I didn't kill him for my goals. I never told him, but I knew that he knew. When he gave me my name, it wasn't because what I had become, but because of what I was about to become if I would pull the trigger on him. Solitude. Killing him meant to accept the lonely, empty feeling of knowing that I would be hated...by you. The decision I had to make back then...was either to let Siam live and spare you from having to experience loss...or kill him...and thus give you a chance to break fee while you still could.

In this short moment when our eyes made contact, I saw how pure you were. I remembered those shining bright silver orbs as I pointed my gun at his heart. This was when I decided that I didn't want you to be put through the same hell that I was put through. Back then, I was already a lost cause, unable to feel anything but hate. Would you have been able to bear this? All the sleepless nights I went through, asking myself why I was being made into a human weapon, doubting myself for not regretting killing people, crying when I felt the memory of love fading away...

I pulled the trigger. For your sake.

I didn't want you to suffer the same. But at the same time, I hoped you would start hating me. So one day, you could kill me...because I had already grown tired of my pathetic excuse for a life. I was desperately longing for death, Canaan. Someone like me...doesn't deserve to breathe the same air as someone like you.

My plan worked. You started to hate me. But in my twisted definition of responsibility, it would have been disrespectful to just let you kill me without putting up a fight. So I fought you. Many, many times...to honor your skill, because this was all you had. At least I thought so...until I learned of Oosawa Maria. In that moment I realized you were different from me. I had succeeded. I had killed Siam before your hatred could have taken over your soul. You were still able to receive love and love someone back. I never could do that again after I left him for that very reason. Hey Canaan, did I ever tell you the story of Liang and me?

I was just a teenager back then when I found her. Her story is similar to yours and mine, actually. Liang was 9 years old when her village was destroyed and her whole family killed in a terrorist attack. She never knew that it was the Snakes who bombed her village and I never told her. Me and some others of the Snakes arrived there, looking for survivors we could use as lab rats. When I found her crying her eyes out in the midst of the burning ruins of her once peaceful childhood...I actually felt sympathy for her. Liang was the first person to make me feel something like this, years after I had already given up on the idea of ever feeling close to somebody again. She was special, I knew that right from the start.

So I walked up to her and took care of her wounds. All the while she never stopped crying and calling out for her sister. She managed to calm down after I was done patching her up. When she had fallen asleep, I took her on the heli, that would take us back to the HQ, with me. At first, the others I arrived with told me to leave her behind, since, being just a child, she would be useless for research, since she was too fragile. But I told them that I wasn't taking her with me to put her in a research cell. They wanted to kill her right then and there, but I threatened them and I told them that I would kill each and every one, who would try to harm her. They knew they were in trouble then. They had already seen me in action and, even though I was over 10 years younger than most of them, they knew I was better than all of them. So Liang came with us.

She woke up halfway through the flight and started crying again. I actually hugged her and tried to soothe her, but she kept on screaming for her sister. After a while, when she had run out of tears and couldn't cry anymore, I explained to her that her family was no more and, just out of curiosity, I asked why she just called out for her sister and not for her parents. "I don't like them. I only like Liu-nee. Mother always says she hates me and that it's my fault that father doesn't look at her anymore and father always touches me at embarrassing places at night and it hurts." The words are burned into my memory. I don't think I'll ever forget them. At that moment, I was actually happy that her parents were dead. Scum like that doesn't deserve the privilege of life. It was back then, right in that helicopter, that I made a promise to Liang. I promised her to protect her. That I would be her beloved sister for her and that, if anyone gets one step too close to her, I would punish them. That all she had to do was call my name, at any time she felt like she needed me, and I would be there in an instant. That was when she started calling me her nee-sama. For a short period, I had gotten my hope back. I thought that maybe, just maybe, I wasn't beyond repair, because I truly and honestly cared for Liang.

I had thought that Liang could heal my heart and that one day, I would be able to feel the love she had for me, because one thing I know for sure: that feeling inside me, the wish to protect her from harm, was real. But then, about 3 years after Liang and me had become sisters, I took that mission on the train to retrieve the UA Virus. I killed Siam. And suddenly, all my hatred came flooding back, infecting my soul once more and plunging it into complete and utter darkness. Siam's ghost, the memory I had of him, started haunting me, as if having simply killed him wasn't enough. He had been the person I hated the most and now that he was gone, I couldn't direct my hatred against anyone anymore. So it stayed inside me, bottled up deep inside my soul where it raged on and on, tearing what little emotions I had left to pieces. This sense of happiness I had around Liang...faded away. Soon, she was just another Snake member to me. She, of course, realized my change and started to give me more attention, started to spend even more time around me, hoping that the love she was constantly showering me with would help getting me back to how I used to be.

Well, the rest of the story you already know. I drifted further and further away from her until I really didn't care about her anymore. It drove her insane. She loved me so much and was so scared of losing me that she, in der despair, started thinking the love she had for me simply wasn't strong enough. So she began deluding herself into believing that she actually had romantic feelings, the strongest love there is, for me. She began to try to literally force those fake feelings onto me in her desperate attempts to save me, but all it did was annoy me. I pushed her further away as Liang became crazier and more desperate with every day I hurt her more.

I destroyed her, Canaan. In the end, I killed her because she had betrayed me with that letter, but actually, I had been the one to betray her first. I threw away our promise like a worthless piece of trash. All that time, I had been aware of what I was doing, however. If I could have felt anything else but hatred at that time, I guess you could say that I would have felt sorry for Liang and that was why I started to focus on you. You were my only hope. The only person in the world, who was skilled enough and had enough hate for me that they would be able to kill me without hesitation. And yet...you always hesitated.

I increased my cruelty, hoping it would affect you enough that your hate for me would get fueled. I wanted you to look at me and instantly decide to pull the trigger. I didn't want you to listen to what I had to say. I didn't want you to ask for explanations or try to turn me around with words. I wanted you to kick the door in, point that Beretta of yours at my head and pull the trigger without so much as a final word. But Maria had taught you about friendship and kindness and every time we met and fought, I could see in your eyes that you hated me, but not enough to simply kill me in cold blood. In order to kill in cold blood, you need to be cold-blooded. A simple rule that I had forgotten about back then. You weren't me. You needed a reason to pull the trigger. So I kidnapped Maria. I even shot her and locked her in in a wagon with an active bomb. I killed our mentor, I wanted to kill your best friend...but never you. You had always talked about how Siam was your light, how Maria had become your new light. For me, you were my light, Canaan. The only hope I had to be put out of my misery. When you actually got close to killing me after the wagon with Maria on board had exploded, my warrior instincts kicked in and I seriously fought back, trying to kill you first. But something inside me was holding me back.

I couldn't. I couldn't kill the girl I had wanted to know safe all that time.

Somehow, I was glad seeing you like this. I had seen you laugh, seen you smile, seen you nervous and even sad. You could feel all those things. I was so glad that Siam hadn't managed to destroy you like he had destroyed me. In that moment, I realized it. I was glad. I was actually glad. This feeling...somehow had returned to me. All my encounters with you, all the things you had said to me, had slowly eased a little part of my hate. But in the end, it was too late for me. It was simply too late. Back then, trying to save me from myself would have been equal to trying to give mouth to mouth to a skeleton. You were right. The privilege to make decisions is with those, who are alive. But I wasn't dying, Canaan. I was already long dead. So I decided that, since there was no way out anymore anyway, I might as well just go ahead and make it official. So I caught that gun and shot my arm off. But apparently, fate wasn't with me. I survived. Below that bridge was a small, but surprisingly deep, river and I had just been lucky (or, considering what I was trying to do, I guess I should say unfortunate) enough to land in it.

An old man, who didn't know who I was, found me and treated my wounds. I stayed with him in his hut in the canyon for a while until I was recovered. He spoke a language I didn't know, so I had no idea what he was saying when he was talking to me. However, he smiled a lot at me and I guess it was because he knew how grateful I was for his help. Gratitude, Canaan. I could actually feel gratitude. It was then that I realized the actual effect you've had on me. My hate was fading when I simply thought of you. I thought I was beyond saving...when I had already been saved long ago.

Canaan...if one of these days I see you again, I hope I will be able to tell you how sorry I am for everything. I did so many things wrong. I initially wanted to protect you, but ended up wanting to use you as my excuse for committing suicide. But you showed me a lot of things. You were strong enough to not only save yourself, but you managed to save a lost cause like me. It was a twisted cycle of pain and hate that I put you through and I hope...that you can forgive me. One of these days, maybe when the CIA isn't searching the whole planet for me anymore, I will definitely meet you again, Canaan. I will wait for this day. I will wait forever if I have to. They say that time is irrelevant to those, who have relevant things to say. And believe me...I have a lot of very relevant things to say to you.

So wait for me, Canaan.

I will find you.

This was inspired by Breaking Benjamin's "Dear Agony", which I personally think perfectly describes Alphard. I thought I should give some credit where its due.

Neither the characters from CANAAN nor Breaking Benjamin and their beautiful song are mine. Everything belongs to their respective owners.

I hope you enjoyed reading. Drop me a review on your way out, will you? ;) Thanks.

Have a nice day.

Yours sincerely,

August7