Well, imagine that, I actually get two out in one week! This is unprecedented!
WARNING: Do not read if you are susceptible to hurting yourself. The author bears no responsibility for any injuries sustained when reading this parody. There. I just figured I needed a disclaimer.
Where in the Galaxy is Hoshi Sato?
On the set of Raiders of the Lost Ark:
Hoshi: These are at least 300 years older than in the last chamber…
Trip: You sure you can't read any of this?
Hoshi: Nope. How 'bout you?
Trip: What, I have to do it now? What kind of linguist are you?
Hoshi: Linguists don't care about hieroglyphics.
Trip: Well, I think this one is a curse on anyone who takes pictures of it.
Hoshi: Ooh, get a shot of it!
Trip: It's too bad we didn't bother to bring a digital camera with us. Now we have to wait until we get back to Earth to develop this.
Hoshi: I wonder what happened to them.
Trip: Maybe they got killed off by a wild thunderstorm.
Archer (over com): Hey, guess what? There's a wild thunderstorm coming your way!
Trip (shrieks like little girl): Okay, Cap'n. We'll be right up.
T'Pol: Captain. We have another storm.
Archer: Another one?
T'Pol: That's why I said "another."
Archer: Well, lookie that.
Reed: They're diamagnetic storms. Saturated with polaric energy.
Archer: Does that mean forks will stick to the hull of the pod?
Reed: Either that, or they won't be able to polarize the hull plating.
Archer: Cause it'll already be polarized! Hah!
Back to the planet:
Trip: Whoa, those are like tornadoes or som'un.
Archer: So you see, you have to come back now.
Hoshi (disappointed): Aww! I wanted to try to survive the big storm down here! Hey! Why don't we go hide in the ruins?
Archer: That's a great idea, but I'd rather try out the risky transporter. I've sent Malcolm down to the transporter room. He'll try it out himself first. You'll see him down there in a minute.
Hoshi: Couldn't we, like, NOT do the riskiest thing possible?
Archer: Nope! Get ready. Wel'll go one at a time so someone might get left behind. Decide which of you is more valuable to the ship.
Trip: Hey, what's gonna happen to the pod if it's such a destructive storm?
Archer: I don't know. Maybe we'll just leave it there. Hurry!
Trip: So, which of us is more important?
Hoshi: I don't know. I don't really want to go through it. I thought they said transporters were for non-people only.
Trip: The Captain went through it and he's fine. Right?
Hoshi: Yeah, but what if I get split into my "good" half and "evil" half?
Trip: Your "evil" half? Is that the part that says bad words in Klingon?
Hoshi: Oh, yeah, one of us should be going now.
Trip: Woll, your job can be done by a computer, so I'll go.
Hoshi: Let me know if you survive it.
Trip: I'll even let you know if I don't survive it—at least one o' my molecules'll still be down here! (beams up)
Hoshi (talking to thin air): Commander?
Trip (over com): Oops. Som'un happened to my eyes. And my…um, never mind what.
Hoshi (frightened): What?
Trip: Just kiddin'. Come on.
Hoshi (beaming aboard): Hey, I'm alive. I thought I'd be in grave danger.
Reed: Nope. We decided against the suspenseful teaser this week.
ACT 1: Failure
Hoshi's Quarters, which look exactly like everyone else's quarters:
Hoshi (looking into mirror): Wow. I never realized how pretty I am. Hey, wait. That's not a pimple, is it? (door chimes) Come in!
Archer (disappointed): Oh. I was hoping you'd be naked.
Hoshi: I'll be ready in a minute.
Archer (conspiratorially): Are you sure you wouldn't rather…stay here?
Hoshi: No, sir.
Archer: So, it'll be fun going back down with Trip tomorrow, won't it?
Hoshi: Say what?
Archer: To the planet. You were going to finish whatever you were doing, right?
Hoshi: Um…
Archer: You need to retrieve Shuttlepod 13, er, One.
Hoshi: What happens if the second one gets stuck down there, too?
Archer: Then we'd send you in the transporter.
Hoshi: I don't want to get lost…
Archer: Lost? You are lost. In fact, you're just dreaming about me visiting you. In your robe. At night…
Hoshi: I am? Whoa. Weird. Good night.
Mess hall:
Reed: So she said, "That's not my warp core!" (everyone laughs)
Hoshi: Is anyone sitting here?
Travis: Are you kidding? A Vulcan?
Hoshi: Hey! Boys? Aren't you mesmerized by my beauty?
Trip: What? Oh. Hi. Yeah, siddown. (looks at her more closely) Ya know, you got a pimple, right…(points) there.
Hoshi: That was unsettling.
Reed: What, the joke? Sorry.
Hoshi: No, the transporter.
Trip (stuffing his face): Oh, yeah. Horwible. Lost mah appetite.
Hoshi: I can see that. I don't feel right.
Trip: Well, it was prob'ly the storm. You don't forget that kinda thing quickly.
Hoshi: But you do forget a transport quickly?
Trip: A what? Anyway, remember that ol' story about Cyrus Ramsey?
Hoshi: Who? (everyone groans)
Trip: Don't tell me you've never heard of him! It's like I just made him up or som'un!
Hoshi: What's the story? Morning glory?
Trip: Well, it was, like, way back in 2146…
Hoshi: Wasn't that just five years ago?
Trip: Oh. Yeah. So, this guy died in a transporter accident?
Hoshi (waiting): And?
Trip: That's it. That's the story.
Hoshi: Oh. (pauses) You'd think my imagination could come up with more horrible details than that.
Travis: Hey, let's go do something manly together!
Reed: Yeah, no girls allowed!
Archer (over com): You can take Travis down to see the ruins. And fly back.
Travis: Whoo-hoo!
Reed: Can I come too?
Trip: Hey, why the hell not? (all leave)
Hoshi: Well, that's depressing.
Sickbay:
Hoshi: Hey, where's the doctor? Is he ignoring me, too? Doctor!
Phlox (appearing suddenly behind her like in a horror flick): Hi.
Hoshi: AHH! Oh. You're not a killer. Where were you?
Phlox: I was in the back, feeding the kitties.
Hoshi: Didn't you hear me shout your name?
Phlox: No. I heard you shout "Doctor." That's not my name. Are you feeling all right?
Hoshi: No. I went through the transporter and got all wiggy. So, no…I'm not feeling well.
Phlox: That's nice. Did you come to pet the kitties?
Hoshi: No, I came because my molecules are falling apart.
Phlox: Oh, you're just being obsessive-compulsive. Worrying about everything… Let's check. (pauses for one-half second) Yep. Everything's fine.
Hoshi (points to face): What about this?
Phlox: Oh, you have a blemish? I can clear that up, no problem.
Hoshi: Well, this pimple used to be lower. What does that mean?
Phlox (dismissively): It means you'll die. Now, I have a lot of animals to feed before bedtime, so go away.
Hoshi: I thought you only slept once a year.
Phlox: Hey, it's your dream. You figure out the continuity.
Hoshi's Quarters:
T'Pol: Wake up! There's an emergency!
Hoshi: Huh? Where am I?
T'Pol: You're late for work. You get detention.
Bridge:
Hoshi: Hi, sorry, Captain. I was…sleeping.
Archer (accusingly): Trip and Travis have been taken hostage. The people didn't like you disturbing their ruins.
Hoshi: Taken hostage? Now, I really hope this is a dream, cause this is way too ridiculous otherwise!
Archer: It's all your fault!
Hoshi: My fault? You gave the orders!
T'Pol: Those were sacred ruins, rather than just worthless ruins that everyone had forgotten about.
Hoshi: Really? How do you know?
T'Pol: I asked them.
Hoshi (hearing beep): Hey, it's Mayweather's communicator.
"Travis" (over com): Bargle snee ahhs! Korky plah!
Archer: That doesn't sound like Travis.
"Travis": Slinko dinko dingo! Pfakuli!
Hoshi (panicked): It's not working!
T'Pol (annoyed): What's your problem?
Hoshi: Imagine that! For once, the UT doesn't magically work!
Reed: Just talk to them! It worked in the second episode! You've figured out enough in 20 seconds, right?
Hoshi: Actually, that would be why the UT doesn't work!
Archer: Yeah, whatever, just go back to bed.
Hoshi (breaking down): I don't know why I can't understand! I'm pathetic!
Archer: Yes, you are. (to guy in corner) Hey, you! Take the com.
Guy in corner (looking up, bewildered): Huh? Okay!
Archer: Malcolm, let's go kick some ass!
Reed (happily): Aye, sir!
Hoshi leaves, depressed.
ACT 2: Fading away
Hoshi's Quarters:
Hoshi: La de da, I'll just get naked now—hey, where am I? Oh, there, behind all the steam. (gets in shower) What's that shadow behind the curtain? Is it—AHHHHHHHH! It's a guy with a knife! Oh, well, at least he can't see me because I'm turning invisible!
Mess hall:
Hoshi: Wow. It seems like all I do is eat. No wonder I was obsessed with cooking, if this is what I dream about. (walks up to empty table) Anyone sitting here? No? I guess I'm the only invisible person. OK. (sits) Oh, hi, T'Pol, didn't notice you there.
T'Pol: Greetings. I was engrossed in a book. Grisham. Ever read him?
Hoshi: I thought there was a hostage situation…
T'Pol: Oh, that. Yeah, we solved that off-camera. The real hostage situation comes in sweeps. Ensign Whatever decrypted the language easily—a simple bimodal syntax.
Hoshi: What? Language is never that simple! You're treating it like a math equation! [A/N: Sorry, a little of my own anthro background seeping in!]
T'Pol: Obviously, you couldn't figure it own because you're pathetic.
Hoshi: I am?
T'Pol: That's what I think of you.
Around the ship:
Hoshi: Everyone's ignoring me. It's as if I'm turning invisible and ceasing to exist!
Voices: The stream's too unstable! mumble mumble One, two…
Hoshi: And now I'm hearing voices again.
Sickbay:
Hoshi: Can you see me?
Phlox: What?
Hoshi: Okay, you can't hear me. But can you see me?
Phlox: Is there something in particular you'd like me to look at?
Hoshi (taking offense): Don't be a pervert. I think I'm turning invisible or going crazy.
Phlox: Have you considered that you're dreaming this?
Hoshi: Nobody wants to talk to me. I think they don't even see me.
Phlox: That's funny. Ensign Mayweather came to me with precisely the same problem. He said he had to die to get attention. Even then, it was a stretch…
Hoshi: Okay, let's get back to me. I mean, jeez, you'd think the guys would be crawling all over me, what with that I'm about the only woman around.
Phlox (conspiratorially): There's something you should know about some of your crewmates…
Hoshi: You know, I think it's the transporter.
Phlox: Oh, don't worry about that. It works just fine. But hey—I wouldn't be caught dead in that death trap!
Hoshi: Maybe you would be.
Phlox: Well, you look fine to me. The spleen goes on the right side, right?
Hoshi: I don't know. You're the doctor.
Phlox: Then that's a yes. Let me give you some meds.
Hoshi: No! No pills, man! What's up with doctors overmedicating patients? The last thing I need is to be medicated now!
Phlox: I wasn't talking about dropping acid. Well, come by in the morning, hmm?
Hoshi: I will, if I'm still ALIVE!
The room with the funny twirly space-man machine:
Trip: Whoo, I'm dizzy!
Hoshi: Were you tortured or anything?
Trip: Yeah, the Cap'n made me get in this thing for breaking the shuttlepod.
Hoshi: No, I mean on the surface. The hostage thing?
Trip: Oh, that. Yeah, they forced us to have sex with beautiful women. It was horrible.
Hoshi: I can imagine. Sorry I didn't go with you and get abducted, too.
Trip: That's okay. You woulda hated it.
Hoshi: So, have you felt okay since we've been back?
Trip: Well, considerin' I've gone back down to the surface, been kidnapped, held for ransom, then set free, yeah, it's been a pretty typical day. Why do you ask?
Hoshi: I haven't been myself. I've felt more like Travis. The doctor thinks I'm loony. And my hands do special see-through tricks.
Trip: That happened to me once. Or did it? Maybe that's still comin' up. (gets off twirly machine) You should avoid this thing. It's makin' me woozy.
Hoshi: What's the point of it, anyway?
Trip: Som'un to do with gravity.
Hoshi: Our ship has artificial gravity.
Trip: Whatever.
Hoshi: Well, Phlox thinks I'm fine, anyway.
Trip: You know, I bet in the future, there'll be characters who don't like transporters.
Hoshi: I just feel like I got put together wrong. Do I look any different?
Trip: Uh, you don't look fat if that's what you're askin'.
Hoshi: Well, I wasn't, but I'm glad you said so.
Trip: So, uh. You wanna go crawl into bed now?
Hoshi: What?
Trip: Hey, it's your dream, not mine. (leaves)
Hoshi: Crap. My hands are falling through stuff again. AHH! I'm invisible! And I can't touch anything! Amazing, though, how I manage to stay spatially oriented with the ship!
ACT 3: Okay, she's invisible. And dead.
Hoshi: I've been trapped in this room all night, because I can't work the door control, because I can walk through stuff!
Trip: Woll, she was here last night. I thought maybe she woulda slept here.
Hoshi: I did! Can't you hear me?
Archer (over com): Have you found her?
T'Pol: No. Have you?
Archer: Yeah, actually. I was just asking you out of curiosity.
Trip: She's not here.
Hoshi: Yeah, she is. I mean, I is.
Trip: I'll go look in the engines. Maybe she hid out there.
Sickbay:
Phlox: She came twice since that storm thing the other day.
Archer: Wasn't feeling well?
Phlox: Actually, I thought maybe it was because she's in love with me. I don't understand human behavior very well. It was the first time she transported, you were aware?
T'Pol: Far too aware.
Phlox: She was convinced her molecules were coming apart. Take a look at this.
Hoshi: Hi. I'm just sittin' back here, hoping someone will mention me. I'll see what they really think! I wonder how come I can sit on this counter when I normally fall through stuff.
Archer: Uh…you're asking me to interpret?
Phlox: To put it simply, so you can understand, her molecules are coming apart.
Hoshi: Ha! I'm right! Eat that, Johnny!
Transporter room:
Trip: It's the secondary phase coils or som'un. Musta happened right after I beamed up. Boy, was I lucky.
T'Pol: She is losing molecular cohesion.
Archer: Well. How 'bout that?
Trip: I told her to go first, but she wouldn't listen. It shoulda been me!
Archer: Well, then, when you think about it, this is her fault, right?
T'Pol: You are more valuable to the ship.
Phlox: And she was getting a bit whiny, wasn't she?
Hoshi: Wow. They really love me.
Archer: See what went wrong. Starfleet told me this wasn't supposed to happen. "Oh, sure!" they said. "It's fine, don't worry about it!" Try to find Hoshi.
Phlox: Actually, you shouldn't look for Hoshi. You should look for a little pile of goo. That's all that's left.
Hoshi: Wait! I'm right here! You just can't see or hear me, as if I'm a hologram! Wait. Maybe I'm a ghost!
Archer (to T'Pol): Have the doctor help you recalibrate the sensors.
T'Pol: Doctor, help me recalibrate the sensors. (to Archer) Why didn't you ask him yourself? He's right over there.
Archer: Oh, that's right. (presses com button)
Travis (cheerfully): Yes?
Archer: Prepare to break orbit and continue our long and lonely journey.
Travis: Hot diggity!
Archer walks through Hoshi and leaves
Hoshi: Whoa! Gooshie, center me on Sam!
Somewhere in the bowels of the ship:
Trip: So, is it her?
Phlox: I don't know. What do you think?
Hoshi: Nope. I'm right here.
Trip: What'd she come in this outta-the-way shaft for?
Hoshi: I was following you guys.
Voices: Booyah krikey!
Hoshi: Hey, more voices!
Trip: Here's a little glob of toothpaste. Do you think it's her?
Phlox: I suppose her parents will want it. Although they might say, "What's this? Why do they send us goo through the mail?"
Trip: You go ahead. I'm gonna stay here and talk to the wall for a minnit.
Phlox (looking at him like he's nuts): I understand. (leaves)
Hoshi: I'm right here, you can talk to me!
Trip: Man, what was I thinkin', leaving you down there? I told you we'd be safe!
Hoshi: Well, obviously, you were wrong!
Trip: Now look what you've done.
Hoshi: What I've done?! You're the one who broke the transporter!
Trip: And to top it off, I never told you I'm in love!
Hoshi: He loves me?
Trip: …with T'Pol.
Aliens talking (I'm getting sick of making up words)
Hoshi: Hey, these aliens are talking about doing something bad! Should I confront them, or panic, or what?
ACT 4: What the hell?
Ready room:
Hoshi: Captain! The ship's in danger! Aliens from another dimension, or possibly that uninhabited planet, are trying to blow us up! Can't you hear me?!
Guy (over com): We've located her father.
Archer: Oh. Damn. What do I say? Put him through.
[A/N: The conversation with the father is in itself a parody, isn't it? I don't know if it's supposed to be badly written or what.]
Hoshi's Father: Captain Archer. Is everything all right?
Archer: Actually, no. Um…how's the weather? We had an accident with out transporting device.
Hoshi's Father: What's that?
Archer: It's a device…that transports.
Hoshi: Did I mention there were aliens? Destroying the ship?
Hoshi's Father: So…why are you telling me?
Archer: Obviously your daughter didn't get her communication skills from you.
Hoshi's Father: Daughter? I have a daughter?
Archer: Not anymore.
Hoshi's Father: Not anymore? What does that mean?
Hoshi: Maybe he'll notice if I wiggle my fingers in front of his face.
Archer: Do you even understand English?
Hoshi's Father: Listen, how about you call back later? The ball game's on.
Archer (hopefully): Water polo?
Hoshi's Father: No.
Archer: I'm so sorry.
Hoshi's Father (unemotional as a Vulcan): Me too.
Hoshi: How about this! I can make the lights dance!
Archer (notices immediately, which should definitively confirm that this is a dream): Hey, what's that? T'Pol?
Hoshi: Good. Someone will figure this out!
Archer: I never heard that before.
T'Pol: Heard what? It looks like the lights are flickering to me.
Archer (with an epiphany): I think it's Morse Code! SOS!
T'Pol: Who could possibly need help?
Archer: Oh. Good point.
T'Pol: Maybe you should go take a nap.
Archer: Yeah. We'll figure it out tomorrow.
Hoshi: No! Not tomorrow! Figure it out now!
Wherever it is in the ship that the aliens are doing bad stuff:
Aliens setting their bombs
Hoshi: Look! There's a bomb on the warp core! They must be setting up dynamite. Let's see if I can magically stop it. I'm going to hide, because no one can see me.
Alien: Hey, our thingies got turned off!
Other alien: Okay, let's set it off and get outta here! Stupid humans. (transport pad appears) Go on.
Hoshi: Crap. What's going on?
Voices: Come on, Hoshi.
Hoshi: Okay. I guess the solution is to jump on this thing!
Reed: Easy as one, two…pie!
Hoshi: Whoa, what's up with your hair? Have I entered a parallel universe? Come on, we have to save the ship!
Trip: What?
Hoshi: You know, the bad aliens that only I knew about?
Reed: Uh…we had a problem with the transporter. You're fine now.
Trip: You were trapped in the pattern buffer. Only for a few seconds.
Hoshi: OH, if that's all!
Reed: Eight point three seconds, to be anally precise.
Hoshi: So you mean I just imagined it all?
Trip: I guess so!
Hoshi: Do you have a mirror?
Reed: As a matter of fact, yes. I carry one in my pocket.
Hoshi: I'm glad I didn't end up like Cyrus Ramsey.
Trip: Cyrus Ramsey? He's the richest guy on the planet! Why wouldn't you want to end up like him?
Sickbay:
Hoshi: So all that happened in eight seconds?
Phlox: Wouldn't we all have been happier if it had? [A/N: Actually, I liked this episode.]
Hoshi: Huh.
Archer: You might care that Malcolm is proposing we compress the transporter beam. Cause he's an engineer.
Hoshi: I hope you don't plan on beaming me anywhere soon!
Archer: Ha ha! Beam! You climbed on the platform though, right? So you must like it!
Hoshi: Yeah, so?
Archer: So you overcame your fear! Yippie!
Hoshi: That's the lesson of the day, kids—learning through hallucinations!
Archer: Let's go to the bridge! (goes to door)
Hoshi: I push the button!
Fin.