How You See Me
Chapter 1
----
"So the slayer's back then is she?"
"Ya huh, I thought you'd be a little more excited than that Spike!" Dawn humphed, crossing her arms over her chest.
"Sorry 'Bit,", he lit his cigarette and took a long drag, "I just can't seem to work up the energy to care." He blew the smoke into her face.
"Spike!" Dawn started to cough and waved the smoke away. "Smoke kills you know.."
"And so do I. Now 'Bit, I think you missed my subtle hint that I am tired and you should leave. 'Sides, don't you want to be home with your freshly undug sister?"
"Of course I do!", Dawn snapped a little to quickly, "I just thought you should know, obviously you don't care though."
Spike didn't flinch; he just sat and watched her.
"Well, are you going to leave or not pet?"
"Right..", Dawn jumped off the stone ledge she had been sitting on and made her way to the crypt's door.
"Tell the slayer I said 'hello'"
Dawn spun around. "Why don't you tell her yourself? I know you want to!"
"Dawn, please, I've moved on."
"No you haven't, maybe you'd gotten over her death Spike, and shut down those feelings because they were useless without her here..but she's back now!"
"Well la di da for her.." Spike muttered.
"You don't just fall out of love. I may not be the extreme expert on this stuff but that much I know. Sheesh, how long has Angel been gone and Buffy still runs out to meet him the minute he calls."
"Angel?"
"Yeah, Willow told Cordy about Buffy and Angel wanted to see her. She's gone to meet him."
"Just how long has Buffy been back Dawn?"
"Oh um..", Dawn looked around uncomfortably, "Not long."
"Bloody hell, and no one was planning on telling me? They want me to just burst into your house one day and come across her?!"
"Spike, everyone was just so shocked that she's back.."
"..that they didn't even think to tell me. I know, same old song, 'why bother telling Spike, he's just a soulless unfeeling vampire'."
"That's not what I meant Spike, we've just been so busy taking care of Buffy and I know you have feelings!"
"Taking care of Buffy? What's wrong then?"
"Well Buffy says nothing, but we know better."
"Know better than the slayer?"
"She's kinda in shock I guess. Willow says it'll pass, we just need to show her how much we care about her."
"Be the friggin' Brady Bunch that you are."
"Well anyhow, maybe Angel can help her.." Dawn ventured, seeing how her comments about Angel had sparked that look in his eyes before.
That look. The one he tried to deny, the one of sadness, and hurt, and love. The one that let Dawn know he was far from over Buffy.
"That bloody poof couldn't help a blind man cross the street. How could he help her?"
Dawn shrugged. "He has a way with her I guess.."
"A turning psychopathic way!" Spike snapped.
"I didn't say he was going to have his way with her..I just meant that he understands her..like we can't."
"He knows nothing about the slayer..all he knows is how to hurt her! He doesn't understand her like.."
"Like what Spike?" Dawn asked, feigning innocence.
"Goodnight 'Bit, scurry home now before the sun sets." Spike said, quickly dismissing her.
Dawn bit her lip. "Buffy'll be home by now."
"And I'm sure she'll want to see her little precious so you better hurry up."
Dawn turned to go and then lingered in the doorway. She turned back to Spike and he could read the fear written openly across her face. It was an expression he used to love to see. But not now, not on Dawn.
"What is it luv?"
Tears began to make their way down Dawn's face and she just stood there, staring up at Spike in all her innocence.
"Oh bloody hell, this is just what I need. What is it 'Bit? Do you want me to walk you home or something?"
"She's not the same anymore Spike..I think..I..I.." Dawn stuttered and then her words were lost amongst her sobs.
As much as Spike wanted to tell her to get her whiny self lost, as the old Spike would do, he couldn't. That wasn't him anymore and no matter how he longed for that carefree simplistic life, he'd never live it again.
He patted the spot next to him on the bench and Dawn was soon beside him, collapsed in his arms, as had been the case at least once a week since Buffy had died.
"It's alright Dawn, everything is alright. Big Bad's here.." he soothed, stroking her hair.
"So what's the problem 'Bit?" Spike asked when her sobs had died down.
"Buffy..she's not the same anymore Spike.."
"Well of course not, she's been dead and back."
"But she's so cold Spike. She never smiles or laughs and she won't talk to anyone about what happened. It's like she shut down."
"Dawn,", Spike cupped her chin and forced her to look up at him, "Things will never been the same for her, she died and that's not something to be taken lightly. Give her some time though, she has a lot to deal with right now I'm sure."
Dawn nodded and buried her head back in his chest to let out the last of her tears.
----
'That's right.', he thought as he lay in bed later on, staring at the rocky ceiling, 'She has a lot to deal with, she doesn't need to deal with me. That bloody poof is too selfish to leave her be and let her get her bearings, but I'm not going to rush in and throw myself at her.'
As much as he wanted to deny it, he knew deep inside that he still had feelings for Buffy, but he was never going to let them surface again, never going to let himself be exposed like that again. Exposed just so she could take his delicately mending heart and shatter it once again.
Hearing that she was back had almost been too much, but he'd played it cool. Played it right. He couldn't let her be his weakness again.
Then the thought of seeing her again snuck its way into his mind and it was nearly his undoing. To see those big, hazel eyes, that had become so full of trust as of her last days..to see how they would turn to hatred when they set upon him. The one who had not been there for her. The one who could have stopped it all but failed. He didn't think he could take it.
And to smell her, oh to smell her sweet scent..
He shook the thoughts from his mind unsuccessfully and eventually fell into a fitful sleep.
TBC...
Chapter 1
----
"So the slayer's back then is she?"
"Ya huh, I thought you'd be a little more excited than that Spike!" Dawn humphed, crossing her arms over her chest.
"Sorry 'Bit,", he lit his cigarette and took a long drag, "I just can't seem to work up the energy to care." He blew the smoke into her face.
"Spike!" Dawn started to cough and waved the smoke away. "Smoke kills you know.."
"And so do I. Now 'Bit, I think you missed my subtle hint that I am tired and you should leave. 'Sides, don't you want to be home with your freshly undug sister?"
"Of course I do!", Dawn snapped a little to quickly, "I just thought you should know, obviously you don't care though."
Spike didn't flinch; he just sat and watched her.
"Well, are you going to leave or not pet?"
"Right..", Dawn jumped off the stone ledge she had been sitting on and made her way to the crypt's door.
"Tell the slayer I said 'hello'"
Dawn spun around. "Why don't you tell her yourself? I know you want to!"
"Dawn, please, I've moved on."
"No you haven't, maybe you'd gotten over her death Spike, and shut down those feelings because they were useless without her here..but she's back now!"
"Well la di da for her.." Spike muttered.
"You don't just fall out of love. I may not be the extreme expert on this stuff but that much I know. Sheesh, how long has Angel been gone and Buffy still runs out to meet him the minute he calls."
"Angel?"
"Yeah, Willow told Cordy about Buffy and Angel wanted to see her. She's gone to meet him."
"Just how long has Buffy been back Dawn?"
"Oh um..", Dawn looked around uncomfortably, "Not long."
"Bloody hell, and no one was planning on telling me? They want me to just burst into your house one day and come across her?!"
"Spike, everyone was just so shocked that she's back.."
"..that they didn't even think to tell me. I know, same old song, 'why bother telling Spike, he's just a soulless unfeeling vampire'."
"That's not what I meant Spike, we've just been so busy taking care of Buffy and I know you have feelings!"
"Taking care of Buffy? What's wrong then?"
"Well Buffy says nothing, but we know better."
"Know better than the slayer?"
"She's kinda in shock I guess. Willow says it'll pass, we just need to show her how much we care about her."
"Be the friggin' Brady Bunch that you are."
"Well anyhow, maybe Angel can help her.." Dawn ventured, seeing how her comments about Angel had sparked that look in his eyes before.
That look. The one he tried to deny, the one of sadness, and hurt, and love. The one that let Dawn know he was far from over Buffy.
"That bloody poof couldn't help a blind man cross the street. How could he help her?"
Dawn shrugged. "He has a way with her I guess.."
"A turning psychopathic way!" Spike snapped.
"I didn't say he was going to have his way with her..I just meant that he understands her..like we can't."
"He knows nothing about the slayer..all he knows is how to hurt her! He doesn't understand her like.."
"Like what Spike?" Dawn asked, feigning innocence.
"Goodnight 'Bit, scurry home now before the sun sets." Spike said, quickly dismissing her.
Dawn bit her lip. "Buffy'll be home by now."
"And I'm sure she'll want to see her little precious so you better hurry up."
Dawn turned to go and then lingered in the doorway. She turned back to Spike and he could read the fear written openly across her face. It was an expression he used to love to see. But not now, not on Dawn.
"What is it luv?"
Tears began to make their way down Dawn's face and she just stood there, staring up at Spike in all her innocence.
"Oh bloody hell, this is just what I need. What is it 'Bit? Do you want me to walk you home or something?"
"She's not the same anymore Spike..I think..I..I.." Dawn stuttered and then her words were lost amongst her sobs.
As much as Spike wanted to tell her to get her whiny self lost, as the old Spike would do, he couldn't. That wasn't him anymore and no matter how he longed for that carefree simplistic life, he'd never live it again.
He patted the spot next to him on the bench and Dawn was soon beside him, collapsed in his arms, as had been the case at least once a week since Buffy had died.
"It's alright Dawn, everything is alright. Big Bad's here.." he soothed, stroking her hair.
"So what's the problem 'Bit?" Spike asked when her sobs had died down.
"Buffy..she's not the same anymore Spike.."
"Well of course not, she's been dead and back."
"But she's so cold Spike. She never smiles or laughs and she won't talk to anyone about what happened. It's like she shut down."
"Dawn,", Spike cupped her chin and forced her to look up at him, "Things will never been the same for her, she died and that's not something to be taken lightly. Give her some time though, she has a lot to deal with right now I'm sure."
Dawn nodded and buried her head back in his chest to let out the last of her tears.
----
'That's right.', he thought as he lay in bed later on, staring at the rocky ceiling, 'She has a lot to deal with, she doesn't need to deal with me. That bloody poof is too selfish to leave her be and let her get her bearings, but I'm not going to rush in and throw myself at her.'
As much as he wanted to deny it, he knew deep inside that he still had feelings for Buffy, but he was never going to let them surface again, never going to let himself be exposed like that again. Exposed just so she could take his delicately mending heart and shatter it once again.
Hearing that she was back had almost been too much, but he'd played it cool. Played it right. He couldn't let her be his weakness again.
Then the thought of seeing her again snuck its way into his mind and it was nearly his undoing. To see those big, hazel eyes, that had become so full of trust as of her last days..to see how they would turn to hatred when they set upon him. The one who had not been there for her. The one who could have stopped it all but failed. He didn't think he could take it.
And to smell her, oh to smell her sweet scent..
He shook the thoughts from his mind unsuccessfully and eventually fell into a fitful sleep.
TBC...