As I sat on the bed thinking about what Alice had said it seemed like a good idea. Running through the idea again I decide to go for it. Alice will be so proud of me. My night began as any other normal Friday night with the Cullen's away... Come home, fix dinner, read and call Edward. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe, I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet that Alice had gotten me and get this done before Edward came back?" So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. Alice had convinced me to get waxed bare for Edward before the wedding. She said that it was cleaner, and I would love the results so much I would want to have it done every month while human. I could not wrap my head around letting some stranger see my most private parts so Alice bought me one of those at home waxing kits. I read and re read the instructions and thought it could not be that hard right? Edward and his family were out hunting so I had the weekend to my self.
It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. I guess she was afraid that I would scold my self with hot wax? Cold wax worked just as well. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius vampire, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!) Alice said it would be easy!
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax", yeah...right!)My way would be faster! I lay the strip across my thigh; hold the skin around it tight like the instructions say and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire. Alice would be so proud!
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking that my dad is asleep, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my pajama pants and panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Am I bleeding? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair and I'm not bleeding. At least there is no blood!
Then I make the next BIG mistake... my foot is still propped up on the toilet! I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. DAMN!!!!!!!!In my mind I hear the slamming of a cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!!!!!!
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than those used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment. Witch now makes me immediately think of Carlisle; Clearing my thoughts - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. This, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!! I can not yell for my dad! He would have a heart attack from embarrassment and I would never be able to look him in the eye again. Thinking quickly I looked around and behold my saving grace! My cell phone! God bless the fact that I brought my cell in the bathroom!!!!! Reaching as far as I could I realize that my phone is just out of reach. Grabbing a towel from the rack I swing the towel to the sink area. It moved about an inch so I know I was thinking correctly. After a couple of tries I manage to knock my phone to the floor still out of reach. With the same towel I inch my phone across the floor and think of who can help me out here? Alice is in Canada and a vampire. She will be no help in this situation. Edward would freak out and I don't want the first time he sees me naked to be like this! Plus I am sure Emmett would hear everything and make fun of me for eternity! This is by far the worst situation I have ever gotten my self in.
Scrolling through my contacts I find the one person who might be able to help me. My mom! After getting the voicemail twice I have to re think who can help me! So I call Angela, thinking surely she has waxed before and must have some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!" There is a slight pause. I have to start from the beginning and explain how I had gotten in to this mess. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal seeing as she has never waxed before, but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or ho-ha?" She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the butt of the joke in someone else's night. If I wanted that I would have called Emmett for help! While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off under water!! By now my brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.
I grab the box with my towel method and read over the entire box looking for the answer to my problem. Angela is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I drain the tub of the now cooling water and I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke my dad and scared the dickens out of my friend. Its sooo painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!" I get a hearty congratulation from Angela and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice, to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT! To my great failure of waxing I decide that this night was a horror story for the books. At least human memories fade when being turned in to a vampire and the memories of this night will fade. Still thinking about the bare suggestion for our wedding night I come to one conclusion I still have to get rid of the hair. So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Pulling my panties and pajama pants back on I got to thinking. Alice was right. I did like that it was clean, but I will never follow Alice's suggestions blindly again! To think I could have been stuck like that all weekend! If Alice saw my night and I pray she did not! She better keep it to her self and not she Edward what happened or when I become a vampire I will find a way to really hurt her!