A/N: Dedicated to my friends the primrose path and Prospit.
Yuanfen, "fateful coincidence," is a concept in the Chinese folk religion describing good and bad chances and potential relationships. It can also be translated as "destiny, luck as conditioned by one's past," or "natural affinity among friends." It is comparable to the concept of karma in Buddhism, but yuanfen is interactive rather than individual.
The driving forces and causes behind yuánfèn are said to be actions done in previous incarnations. The proverb yǒu yuán wú fèn, "have fate without destiny," is sometimes used to describe couples who meet, but who do not for whatever reason stay together.
Why? What reason did he have to do it?
Neku Sakuraba sighed, staring down at the mug of brown liquid in his hands as though it could wash away his heartbreak. Neku was well aware of the futility of the attempt, but at least it gave him something to do other than stare at his sketchpad trying to come up with the inspiration to draw something that wasn't dark or depressing. It was easier said than done- his muse was generally a reflection of his feelings. This was no exception.
Another sigh escaped the oranget's lips as he picked up his pencil, figuring he might as well just draw what came to mind. He was unsurprised to find himself sketching curls, sharp eyes, a slender frame and a condescending smirk that always seemed to know something you didn't. The same figure that was haunting his thoughts.
It wasn't the first time he had drawn his twin. However, he noticed he was using darker shading and heavier strokes than usual. It made sense, he reasoned. The reason for his sibling lingering on the forefront of his mind wasn't exactly positive, after all.
About an hour later, his guardian, Sanae Hanekoma, approached him. "Still hung up on Josh?" he questioned.
"He killed himself," Neku stated, as though Hanekoma didn't know that already. The words caused his chest to constrict painfully, a reminder that Joshua was gone and no amount of denial was going to bring him bring. "Why?"
"He was probably tired of having to pretend he was mentally ill when there was nothing wrong with him. The therapy visits in particular had him at his wits' end, even if he didn't show it," Hanekoma replied. "He wanted to see the UG for himself, most likely."
"Pretending- you mean the thing where he could see dead people or whatever was real?" Unconsciously, Neku began to play with the silver locket around his neck. It had been a gift from Joshua- it contained a photo of the twins.
"Don't lose it, Neku. I'll be very disappointed if you do."
"Yeah, sure. Why?"
"Because one day, it might be all you have to remember me by."
"Whatever you say, Josh. Whatever you say."
He was pulled from his reverie by his guardian's voice. "Yeah, it's real. He told ya that a thousand times. You should have believed him."
Neku looked at the floor, uncertain of what to say. He wondered if his disbelief had been a factor in his twin's decision. The more he thought about it, the more certain he became. Maybe if he'd trusted Joshua just a little bit more…
"It's only been a week, but it feels like much longer," he opted to respond, trying to take his mind off his sudden guilt.
"That's natural, kid," Hanekoma replied. "Even if it only happened yesterday, it would feel like years."
Neku opted not to reply, staring at the clock on the wall. 7:35am. Normally by this time, he and Joshua would be arguing over something stupid just for the sake of it, like whether caramel or chocolate was better. The silence was something new in a constant routine, and he didn't like it.
"Josh left a letter for you." His head snapped up, staring at his guardian. "However, I figured I'd let you grieve for a little while before giving it to you. Here." Hanekoma placed the letter in front of him. Neku stared at the soft, loopy handwriting of his twin.
Dear Neku,
By the time you read this, I'll be gone- from the RG, anyway. I'm not going to apologize, because there is a chance, however slim, that we will see each other again.
I will try to visit whenever I can. You won't be able to see me, but I'll be there. Of course, I can only visit when I'm off the clock.
I'm sure you're wondering why I killed myself. The answer is simple- the RG has nothing left for me. ("You idiot," Neku whispered. "What about me?") In the UG, however, I have the chance to be someone. I can do so much more with my talents. My skills almost seem designed for the UG.
The UG is real, Neku. I wouldn't have done what I'm going to do if it wasn't. I'm not that selfish, no matter what you think.
Anyway, don't let my death slow you down. Keep doing what you love. I expect new drawings every time I check in, okay? Don't disappoint me. Unlike me, you have a bright future in the RG.
Joshua
By the time Neku finished reading the letter, his hands were shaking- from sorrow or anger, he didn't know. "Josh, you idiot," he repeated quietly. "You had plenty of skills…"
"Well, Josh has always been an enigma," Hanekoma replied. "Who knows what he may have been thinking."
"He was the only family I had," Neku murmured. "Did he even consider that? The UG may have been better for him, but did he think about the impact he would have on others?"
"I couldn't tell you that," the barista responded. "But I think he did. He wrote the letter, didn't he? He cared, at the very least."
"I guess so…" Neku sighed, pulling his locket off from his neck. Carefully, he pried it open. Joshua was giggling, his eyes shining as he pulled Neku closer with his arm. The ash-blond teen looked ecstatic in that moment, preserved by the click of a camera.
"Because one day, it might be all you have to remember me by…"
Neku wondered how long his twin had been planning his death. Could Josh have been thinking that far ahead? A shiver ran down his spine and he opted to assume it was just Joshua doing his usual thing- a far more pleasant version of events.
He closed the locket with a soft click, looking up at Hanekoma. "Do you think I could have changed his mind?" It lingered on his mind like a cloud of fog, the possibility that If he'd just done something differently…
"Who knows?" his guardian shrugged. "The kid did what he wanted, regardless of others. You may have been able to change his mind, you may not have."
"I guess that's true," Neku sighed, looking out the window. Rain was starting to hit the glass panes, the dark clouds outside a reflection of his mood. "Josh…"
I miss you.