"Damn, check out that piece of ass!" a gravelly voiced man spoke while walking along the sidewalk. He pulled his hands out of his leather coat to frame the lustful sight before him.

He was right. It was a piece of ass. A literal piece of ass. A buttcheek. A buttcheeck that was severed and bloody and lying on the ground. You probably want to know the story behind that fresh cut of human flesh, don't you. You don't? Well, too fucking bad, you're still reading this, aren't you?

You see, in medieval australia, in whatever fucking area or country of that fucking place, ( I don't know anything about that or much of anything to do with australia, if that wasn't obvious enough) the punishment for counterfeit was not hanging, or cutting someone's hands off, or even throwing them in jail or fining them. No, it was slicing off their ass cheeks. One ass cheek would be thrown upwards into space, and the other would be thrown forward, and circle the earth so fast to the point where it literally time traveled.

Of course, only one man in stupid-ass evil medieval australia was strong enough to do not one, but two throws so strong that it battled space and time. And that man was strongest man in all of modern-day Ikebukuro, Shizuo Heiwajima. Before, his job was a sadist bartender, but he had gotten bored of stabbing his masochistic boyfriend, Izaya Orihara, in the chest with his pocket knife that he had stolen from his boyfriend's retarded looking fur coat furry-looking ass coat pocket. Izaya wasn't dead of course. He had worn a bullet-proof/knife-proof vest so that he and his blonde idiot lover could continue Izaya's fantasy of being killed by the former bartender. The vest was also cum-proof, but he never told Shizuo. Because Shizuo was such a fucking idiot, that he didn't realize that in this universe, all the men can, in fact, get pregnant, but they just get impregnated through their heart, instead of their non-existent uteruses. Understanding this fact, and the fact that if Shizuo came in his heart he would surely become pregnant and then probably scream until Shinra poured Dilaudid in his ear, Izaya bought the cum proof vest for about 65 trillion yen.

Of course, raven-haired fuck boy thought it was a good idea to send the money all in ones. If that isn't stupid enough, he also demanded it be sent in a crate that Celty carried with her horse that could now take the shape of a helicopter. If you looked up at just the right moment, you could see the silhouette of a whinnying black helicopter with an even bigger crate below it. Even though the silhouette was in front of the illuminating moon, it looked absolutely retarded and led most of the citizens of Ikebukuro to believe that some bizarre reverse lunar eclipse had taken place.

Oh well, at least Celty's little helicopter uniform was cute. Shinra had stitched it up for her. It was made out of yarn and was really soft and had this really tacky but also kinda cute primary colors look to it. With her floppy yarn helmet being yellow, her yarn bra piece being blue, and her yarn undies being red. Shinra actually didn't intend for the outfit to be so swimsuit like; he had just run out of time because Izaya rushed her with about 60 texts every 60 seconds.

It was pretty fucking annoying, especially when she was was pissing in the bathroom and got so frustrated with hearing the buzzing noise of her phone on the kitchen counter that she kicked the bathroom door open, and shoved her cellphone straight into her pale, shaven vagina until she orgasmed and black cum shot straight out of her vagina, her red swollen clit shaking, and a burst of a black cloud expanding out of where her head was supposed to be. She collapsed on the floor in a heap, and decided to sleep on the door she had just kicked down moments before. Shinra emerged from their bedroom, rubbing his eyes as if he'd just woken up. But he was actually masutrbating the whole time. This was reaffirmed by the fact that his hand was still grasped around his dick, which he had not cum from quite yet. He was also feeling a little sick to the point where his voice had changed to be about 69 octaves deeper than usual. He gave his love a peck on the cheek and she smiled blissfully, turning over into a more comfortable position and falling asleep on the bathroom door.

Shinra left, his hand still on his dick. He was hoping to come across another beautiful woman that would be so sexy that he would cum from just looking at her. He'd feel more guilty if he had to be seduced and then be forced to stick his 7 inch dick into another woman. It didn't really matter in the long run, because Celty would forgive him anyways. He knew she probably felt guilty over masturbating with her phone vibrating with texts from Izaya Orihara, but little did Celty know that it was Shinra who paid Izaya to send all of those texts. They weren't even coherent texts, actually. The string of texts from fuckface cunt-ass Orihara looked something like this:

Dfdf

Et

E

E

Comno

Dr

Dr

S

Which makes more sense when you think about. I mean, it is one text per minute and so taking a second to think about what to type before hitting "send" would take….more than a second. And that's something the auburn-eyed slut wasn't about to do.

And yes, a slut he was. In fact everyone in Ikebukuro is a slut. All of them. Well, expect people who are under 18. Yeah, that's right. This story will be as fucked up as can be, but with the bare bones not-even-really-moral sensibility of making sure no one is under age.

Celty is a slut in the sense that when she woke up, she lazily trudged over to her computer to open up her webcam, and fondle her soft b-cup titties for everyone in the Dollars chatroom to see. Kururi and Mairu didn't really care, because they had been eating each other out in a 68 position for most of the afternoon, that something like that popping up on their computer screen didn't register as anything but taking away from their experience from one another.

And yes, I said "68" position. I honestly hope that doesn't exist because for some reason I imagine it's hard-core vore, if it does exist. And going back to the "under-age: thing. Kururi and Mairu are presumed to be 17 years, 11 months old, and 30 days in this. There. DId it. Don't attack me now, kay?

Izaya is a slut in all the reasons I mentioned before, but added onto that is his goal of using that head in the jar under his pillow to achieve his goal of becoming the greatest warrior. It wasn't Celty's head though. It was Mikado's dick-head that he had cut off with a hunting knife several years earlier. Mikado forgave him for it and decided to move on with his life, but not before handcuffing his tongue to the infobrokers balls so that he could suck and bob on his thick shaft until Izaya mustered up the motivation to actually look for a key and unlock the cuffs so Mikado wouldn't be late for school the next day. Education was important, after all.

Anyways, everything mentioned above actually isn't why Mikado is a slut. Mikado is actually quite pure for reasons only he could explain. But he's such a smug-little bitch that I couldn't listen to them for more than five seconds without thumping him on the forehead and telling him to piss of with that little attitude of his.

Anyways, Izaya wants to use Mikado's dickhead to become the greatest warrior there ever is and the greatest warrior there ever will be. Mikado's dickhead has elemental powers that is especially powerful at summoning any kind of rock. So it could create volcanic eruptions with lava that'll cover countries or even split the ground and freak the hell out of the United Nations because now they'll have to come up with new names for the two countries that used to be just one.

Izaya decided that using any elemental power on earth is going to be boring, and flies to space for a more exciting path to becoming the greatest warrior. Unfortunately, after all of this uber-complicated summoning and even figuring out to fly and breathe in space, Izaya is still such an absolute fucking moron that he forget that fire can't exist in space because there's no oxygen, oxygen doesn't exist in space because it just doesn't, and any kind of water within any kind of radius surrounding him will either not be enough or just be dirty because why would space water be clean or even look ANYTHING remotely like the water on earth?

So, Izaya. Orihara Izaya. Orihara Izaya the information broker, dick-cutter, pedophile, and summoner of elemental powers decides that his way of becoming the greatest warrior is to have the longest boner in the history of mankind. He descends onto the earth, all the way back to Ikebukuro and lies on a city street. And just as he is about to get hit by a car, he thinks in his empty mind about the hottest, most sexiest person in Ikebukuro. The person who gets him hard, and even inspired his start in his whole fucking-with-people-because-im-a-sad-sack-of-slippery-sandy-sucky-shit-shit-poop ™ business.

That's right. That person is Hiroshi.

Izaya imagines all of it in his mind. His sexy bald head, his masturbaory skills. His cowardly stupidity. His innocent crotch grabbing. This inspired him, this was it. He was the moon to his sun. The ying to his yang. The fuck to his boy. The boy to his fuck. The Anthony to his Fantano.

Yo! Yo! Yo! Hey man!

He didn't even need to touch his penis for it to expand upward, increasing in length until it became so tall that it surpassed the heights of buildings. It grew so tall that its shadow appeared from where Izaya was lying all the way to the end of the city, and soon served as a sundial to Shinra, who had forgotten his watch at home. Shinra was walking along the streets of Ikebukuro and still had his hand on his own dick after all this time. Shinra had come across many woman that almost made him cum. But that was the problem: almost. The best solution, the horny underground doctor thought, was to seek out a man instead. And what better man than the insanely hot Izaya Orihara?

But to Shinra's horror as he turned a corner, he found Izaya grabbing his boner. Izaya Orihara was moaning as his dickhead disappeared into the sky, getting warmer and warmer as it got closer to the sun.

"Fuck me!" Izaya moaned. "Ugh, anybody, please! This is too much!" He arched his back to hard that not only did it send his dickhead even closer to the sun (which he now wished he put some solar panels on to get some better internet connection), but it made his body look like a curved "n".

Of course, everyone wanted to fuck him. So badly, that a crowd began to form around him really fast, you could have sworn this motherfucker had emptied out a whole bottle of pheromones out into a couple of blocks of the city .Even Hiroshi wanted some info-dick. It's too bad that guy's in jail.

Approximately 2,000 people circled the horny bastard so quickly that Shinra couldn't even step another foot forward without feeling like he was getting pushed back by what felt like thousands of patrons moving forward. The sea of people trying to get some dick suddenly stopped. All of them, one by one, slowly looked up into the sky. Shinra followed suit. They saw it. The longest boner ever. Izaya had done it! There was only one problem: now that Izaya had finally proven that he had the longest and hardest boner ever, he now had to destroy the entire fucking planet to prevent anyone else from breaking the record. But first, he had to get rid of the boner because if he tried to get up now, he'd probably slice his penis on a nearby helicopter.

He was desperate, horny, and ready to give up. His boner had ascended 230,000 miles and nearly touched the moon. Astronauts in the ISS snapped pictures from space and some even recorded videos that would later be filed in the National Film Registry's selection of "culturally, historically, or especially significant films". But alas, the astronauts were scared. Yet they decide to help that poor bastard down there. But before they could bring any of their ships close to Izaya's dick, they were utterly shocked to see a figure standing on the moon, bobbing his head back and forth on the head of Izaya Orihara's penis. The world's longest penis that had stretched from the streets of Ikebukuro, all the way into space, only for Mikado to end up on the moon and suck his dick from there.

Meanwhile on earth, Izaya screamed in ecstasy so loudly that the ground shook and the crowd got scared and began to disperse. Shinra took this as an opportunity to get closer. He wanted the dick first. Once he got close enough to Izaya the where he could start cupping his balls and give him some pleasure, Shinra knew that it couldn't compare to whatever was going on all the way up there that was making Izaya moan so damn loudly. Izaya didn't even take notice.

Shinra, annoyed at not getting any attention, decided to just force it onto Izaya. Shinra kneeled down and put his penis in the "o" shape that was the information broker's mouth. Being the masochistic moron Izaya was, he casually took the face fucking to the point of crying tears. It was great and all, and Izaya appreciated it, but not as much as that sexy, sexy, young boy on the moon.

Mikado was in the cold of space, hearing the moans of his lover echoing out into the atmosphere. He was lonely up there, and had just found out that there was probably no other way to get down, and that if he gave Izaya an orgasm now, his dick would deflate like a balloon and go all the way back to earth, and might even leave him to die alone up there. So Mikado did the unthinkable, he jumped as high as he could and aimed his asshole on slit of Izaya's dick while simoutellely ripping off his pants. It was a success. Izaya's cumming and deflating dick was disappearing into the boy's giant asshole as he safety ascended down. This is the best parachute alternative ever! Mikado thought.

When Mikado finally landed on Izaya's pelvis, he also ended up headbutting the living shit out of Shinra, who still didn't orgasm for some reason. An awful crack echoed throughout the air as Shinra's cock was knocked clean out of Izaya's mouth. The underground doctor's head was split open and his wrinkly brain sloped out of his skull. Shinra stood, his mouth agape for a few seconds, before collapsing on the ground, now unconscious.

"Eh, his cum was probably too salty anyways" Izaya said with a half-smirk. "Anyways…" Izaya stood up, making Mikado finally slip from his dick and onto the ground. Izaya took out a machine gun from his fur coat pocket, which was tattered and torn, but still looked as stupid as it did before. He was getting ready to walk away from Mikado when he heard a whimper, without turning around, Izaya grabbed a knife from his pants pocket, sliced his chest about four inches deep and dug his hand into it. He pulled out another identical machine gun and toss it over his back and into the young raven's hands.

I just realized that I had so many chances throughout the story to refer to Mikado as a "young raven" but never thought of it till now. Fan. Fucking. Tastic. Where were we?

Izaya and Mikado are mowing down every citizen they can find on the street with their machine guns. There's screaming and blood and outright terror in Ikebukuro. The sun is setting and the screams are more quiet but that will only sound deep depending on how your imagination is. That sentence probably doesn't even sound too interesting unless you live in an area with a lot of beautiful sunsets and couldn't imagine any of the shit in this god-awful story happening. Hopefully you live in a smog-filled urban city so you can just shrug at that line and forget about it.

Anyways, Mikado trips on his shoelace and fell face first into a grenade. The grenade exploded but Mikado has such a thick skill and is so goddamn hard-headed that is was as if nothing happened. Meanwhile, Izaya is distracted but also amused by a falling piece of flesh from the sky. He's not too sure where it came from. He ponders, only to notice that Shinra was gone from the place he once lay. Where is that asshole? Izaya thought. Oh, well. I kinda like him, so he'll be the last person I kill. Izaya and Mikado ran off into the sunset to finish their mission, holding each other's bloodied hand.

-666 minutes later-

It was cold out. The sun had set however-the-fuck-long-ago and a wild horny Shinra appears out of a clothing store with a leather jacket on. He is on his way home to get puss from Celty, but is annoyed that he couldn't cum. He thought for a second, remembering his entire day. Much of his early evening that day was spent stepping over piles of dead bodies. He didn't care too much, especially since none of the deceased woman were hot enough to get him off. He puts his hands into the pockets of his leather coat, saddened by the failed day.

Suddenly, he notices a severed piece of flesh on the sidewalk. It looks like a human-buttcheek, epxect it has a face drawn on it. In fact, it looks like the face of woman! It was actually a terrible drawing, two crudely drawn eyes that were at least three inches to far away, a dot for a nose, and a coffee bean shape for the lips. And for some reason, it was enough. She was enough. She was perfect. Shinra was excited but very nervous, until he found some inspiration while recalling that line from the iCarly theme song that goes "There's no chance unless you take one!" And so, despite his nerdiness and lack of skills with flirting, he gave it his best shot.

"Damn, check out that piece of ass!"

-The End-