Master Xehanort was in a pickle. Though not a literal one, that'd be weird. A figurative pickle.
His epic plan of epicness: Getting the hero of the keyblade onto his newly established True Organization XIII, had failed.
The spiky-headed keyblader had been the crucial piece of the whole scheme.
For you see... All of Master Xehanort's attempts to get 13 vessels of darkness required... well.. 13 vessels of Darkness...
And when Young Xehanort went back to his own time to slowly grow up into the wizened old geezer himself and fail just as epically in the future/past... well, that was one MORE vessel Master Xehanort currently lacked. All in all, this gave Master Xehanort a grand total of... well, 5 vessels including himself:
Saix, Xigbar, Xemnas, Ansem, and himself.
Master Xehanort hated to admit it.. but if he was going to wage war against 7 Master-class light-embued keyblade wielders... he was going to need to... fluff the numbers a little bit.
He figured that even at this point, surely to goodness, even dead weight'd do. It'd be better than releasing Saix off his leash, I mean Sora clobbered the poor boy once before, surely he'd do so just as easily once again, even if he gave him Sephiroth's secret invisible health bar and all the ones underneath that... chances are the stubborn go-getter would just bash and brain the poor boy until he too went the way of the dodo.
Xehanort looked back over his list of candidates. Most of them were Ansem the Wise's apprentices, but most of them had been scratched off. Little notes such as "Forgot to scar them with an X" were jotted down alongside.
Marluxia was penned in as a "maybe" with the scribbled note of "maybe his X-shaped hair bangs would do the trick"
Nope. Master Xehanort was remiss to admit it... he'd have to contact the in-laws...
Master Xehanort hated working with family. His grandson Tixmothy was... kind of stupid. He probably got that from his mother's side of the family. His granddaughter wasn't much smarter.
The last time he visited and tried spreading darkness into her heart, he was surprised to find out she had already filled it with some twinkie eating girl named Britany and boys. Lots of boys, none of them compatible with her though. They'd also make terrible vessels of darkness.
Josh? Josh couldn't carry a tune in a bucket let alone harbor the awesome soul-sucking powers of darkness.
Using his last mickey-minted quarter (The only currency currently accepted within the Kingdomverse) Xehanort called up his son, but was terribly displeased to hear his daughter-in-law's voice on the other end of the line.
"Hello?" His sister-in-law's voice came across the old-timey rotary payphone he was forced to use in the crazy limbo realm he had found himself in.
"Oh..." Came Xehanort's less than enthused response. "Hi Mildred."
"WHAT?!" Mildred yelled.
See.. Mildred was nearly.. well.. completely.. ALMOST completely deaf, but she also refused to wear her hearing aids.
"PLEASE!" Master Xehanort grimaced. "Put your hearing aids in.."
"WHAT?! Rinse my vegetable bin?! I DON'T HAVE A VEGETABLE BIN!"
"IS MY SON THERE?!" Master Xehanort involuntarily yelled back. Sticking a pointy gloved finger in his other ear.
"WHAT?! HOW WOULD I KNOW IF YOUR BUNS ARE RARE?!"
Master Xehanort massaged the bridge of his nose in a bid to compose himself. "Listen, you vile creature. If you don't put somebody else on the phone right now..."
"WHAT?! Speak u-" The vile woman known as Mildred paused as her daughter Lxily interrupted.
"Who's on the phone, momma?"
"WHAT?! NO I WON'T TAKE YOU TO THE BOWLERAMA!" Mildred yelled.
Lxily took the phone from her mother. "Hello?"
"Lily!" Master Xehanort beamed, grateful just to be done with his daughter-in-law.
"It's Lxily now, remember. Mom! It's Grandpa!"
"I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAW! I AIN'T TAKING YOU BOWLING! I'M WATCHING MY SOAPS!"
"Lxily?" Master Xehanort was slightly confused. "I was just calling to find out if you and your brother Timothy would like to come on over and visit Grandpa!"
"Tixmothy? Why him? He is SUCH a dweeb." Lxily pah-shawed. "Besides, he's too busy playing video games with his stupid girlfriend, Denise."
"Well, invite her over too!" Master Xehanort beamed over the phone. He figured three more to his Organization's ranks would be better than none. And if it didn't work out, he could perhaps steal their hearts and bolster his Shadows by a number or so.
Hours later, Xehanort was stirred from his old man nap by the ringing of his doorbell.
"Sheesh, Grandpa! We've been standing out here ringing the doorbell for liek.. hours!"
Xehanort, rubbing at his eyes was immediately aware of three things.
First of all his grandchildren had aged about ten years since he had seen them last, and two things were wrong with this picture.
One, Denise was about 15 years older than Tixmothy, and two, both of his grandkids were currently Nobodies.
"XEMNAS!" Xehanort yelled.
"Yeah, Boss?" Xemnas stepped in from the garage, where he was working on the Xehanortmobile wiping the grease off his hands with a dirty rag. "Oh hi kids!"
"Is there something you'd like to tell me about?"
"Uh, your grandson is dating Denise."
Denise, a buxomy bouncing air-headed blonde took this moment to wave, even though nobody was looking at her.
Tixmothy chewed at a wad of gum, playing Kingdom Hearts Birth By Sleep on his PSP Go. Denise was distracted by the flashing lights and looked over his shoulder.
"Ugh!" Lxily pretended to vomit. "My brother is SUCH.. a dweeb."
"Xemnas.. would you care to explain the state of my grandchildren's hearts?"
"Oh yeah, back when we were going with the other other master plan. You know, Organization XIII? I kind of turned your grandkids into nobodies, in case we needed to replace Marluxia and Larxene, ya know?"
Xehanort facepalmed. Foiled by himself once again. "Well, where are their hearts?"
"Well.. remember those two really fat and lazy neo-shadows we can't quite figure out what to do with?"
"Yes..."
"Yeah, those be them."
Xehanort dragged his face down with both his hands. "Ugh. Denise? It is Denise, right?"
"Yup!" Denise beamed. "And might I just take this moment to say: Mr. Snort, your grandson is SUCH a good boyfriend!"
"Yeah, that's good and all. How would you like to join Organization XIII, sweetheart?"
"Oh would I ever!" Denise bounced up and down.
Xehanort let out a frustrated sigh, closing his eyes and waving his hand in a lazy gesture. "There. Done. Now your name will be-"
"Denisex!" Denisex said choosing her own name before Xehanort could finish.
"What?!" He exchanged a worrisome look with Xemnas.
"Oh don't worry Mr. Snort. I've played Kingdom Hearts before. I know how this works. Yup. I've played all the games. All two of them!" She held up three fingers.
"Oh god.." Xehanort wept into his gloved hands. This had been his worse decision yet.
"Did you hear that, Tixmothy? My name is Denisex now! What does THAT remind you of?!"
Tixmothy looked up and stared blankly ahead. He was mauled and killed by a Flood on his game and didn't even notice.
"Your name, silly!" She punched him on the shoulder.
"SUCH. A. DWEEB." Lxily repeated, texting this new development to Britany and smirking when the pudgy girl's twinkie-stuffed face blinged back up with an "lol."
"Now we can be together forever!" Denisex hugged Tixmothy. "True love conquers all!"
Xehanort looked over at Xemnas. "Why do I get the feeling this decision is getting worse?"
"Because it is. Without giving either of these kids Organization cloaks, they've managed to form their own hearts and they're stuffing them with things like Love, video games and twinkie-filled girlfriends."
"Shit. Okay. Okay... give Marluxia a call."
"Marluxia?! But I hate that guy! He tried to rebel against me!"
"It's still better than these bozos."
"Worse. Grandpa. Visit. Ever." Lxily texted as Master Xehanort booted the three of them out the door.
Denisex started to kiss Tixmothy all over, much to his dismay.
"Aw, Denise!" He protested.
"Ah ah ah! D-E-N-I-S-E-X! Got it memor- Got it in your memory?!" The tall blonde stuck out her tongue. "I love Axel, he my hero."
Tixmothy tried really hard to focus on his game but he wasn't having much luck as his girlfriend continued to smother him with her rekindled love.
"Worse. Couple. Ev-!" Lxily was texting before she tripped over a stick in her grandpa's yard and fell flat on her face, giving herself a black eye and chipping a tooth.
"What's this?" Tixmothy asked picking up the stick and holding it up to the sun before a jet-pack-equipped Roo blasted by, snatched the Pooh Stick and returned it to the Fellowship of the Pooh.
The End.