AN. – This is a reply to the 'Never Say Never' Self-Insert DA Challenge! by ChampionTheWonderSnail and, as such, not supposed to be taken seriously. See the parody/humor bit above? It means I should be forbidden to write anything after waking at six am and having no coffee. The purpose of the chapter was to introduce a scene the writer disliked from the original game and show what the author would have done differently. Also, I would be grateful if someone trashed Riordan's Death scene.
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"Halt everything, you god-forsaken idiots!"
The council had been going on for quite a while, enough for Aedan to lose himself in the low voices. He was far more worried over the upcoming battle to pay attention. While he had already proved himself in blood, a few stragglers were far different from an entire horde. A shiver ran through his body at that thought, almost as if the taint he had drunk couldn't settle in his blood.
Torpor and fear aside, no one would have been able to ignore the new arrival.
First, it had shouted to the four winds, making sure to wake everyone and any deaf individuals who had wandered into Camp.
Second, it was whacking the king over the head.
The girl was a human. Not too tall, dark hair and eyes, nondescript blue shirt and pants; nothing that would catch Aedan's attention. He just had no explanation to the object she was carrying and currently using to beat up the King. It looked like a chicken? A dead chicken? Why was he focusing on the dead chicken when some weird woman was whacking the king over the head continuously? Someone should protect Cailan!
Only Loghain looked suspiciously like someone about to laugh. So did Duncan.
No wonder they were in trouble. Their Commanders were kind of useless.
"As you're an idiot, I'm going to say this in the only your very small brain will understand." The chicken bobbed from side to side as the woman shouted directly into the blond King's face. "You. Big army. They. Bigger Fucking Army! Are you that bad at math? Didn't anyone teach you common basic logic? Stop acting like a brat playing with your toy soldiers and pull back! This is why we ended up as a Republic," she continued conversationally to the general as if she hadn't been yelling herself hoarse.
Aedan wondered if she was pretending not to see the wide-eyed look on Loghain's face which spelled what they were all thinking. Crazy, anyone? Hands up high, all of you audience.
"Competence before blood," the rambling persisted. "Then again, some of our politicians suck balls. I'd send them against them all against the Archdemon and hope the dragon was very very hungry. Maybe on my next visit?"
"And you!" Duncan couldn't move before the item was wobbled through the air to hit him in the nose. It had to be magical; the Warden didn't even react, still as confused as everyone else, and hadn't even tried to defend himself! "What's up with you going along with a guy who has never commanded an army? He's barely a real boy; do you really think he knows anything of what he's doing? And placing all your Wardens into the meat grinder without sending messages for help from every other Warden in Thedas? Idiot!"
Deep breath. The woman was obviously not done. A look was spared to both Cleric and Mage before she let out a sound that was something of mix between 'bwahah' and a pig eating.
"God and you," she laughed and came closer only to pick up the chicken. "No. I'm not spending my time with you two. You're both blind idiots and useless in the wider scheme of things. And as long as Idiot A and Idiot B don't mess up, I don't have to come over and yell at Idiot C." Her small thumb indicated a flabbergasted General.
"Who are you to speak to us like this?" The Cleric looked ready to explode from anger, if the red coloring was any indication.
"Much much smarter. You can call me Rey."
Finally, she (Rey?) turned to him, head tilted to the side as if considering what to tell him. Aedan almost winced when she came closer. Come on, that thing on her hands was dangerous! And she spoke the truth, so double danger for anyone around her. But the only thing she did was to pat his hair as if he was three and particularly winded after a tumble in the backyard, a look in her eyes that was almost pity.
"You're doing good, kid," Rey said simply. "Keep at it. And don't let these morons screw up your life."
He had no reply for her. Well. Except.
"Excuse me, Lady? What's that?"
Seriously, it was killing him.
The woman raised the item to eyelevel and waved it a little. It was a chicken but a doll chicken, made in this strange rubbery substance which looked like one of Aldous' experiments gone wrong. It was likely the most repulsive thing he had ever seen in his life after darkspawn. "My Holy Chicken Bladder of Retribution™. Borrowed it from Champ. It's the Holy weapon of Logic and you can't have it."
Shame. If he was dead disgusted by it, maybe it'd work on tainted beings. Rey gave him a look that said 'don't even try it' and placed the children in a belt at her waist.
"Now. Tata, going now, be good or else I will be back, baby." No one dared to speak and she sighed. "No one gets my amazing references. Seriously, I should have brought Champ with me. This was her idea, not mine."
An audible crack after and then the woman was gone, leaving the same table, the same people all around a map that seemed strangely useless. The silence struggled to be broken but they all fought against it. Just in case it was a collective hallucination and they could go on pretending nothing had happened. Finally, the mage said what they were all thinking.
"What just happened here?"
Crickets flew by. So did an odd ball of straw.
"I have no idea," replied the General. "But the mage is signaling withdrawal and we're retreating to Redcliffe to wait for the remaining reinforcements. Your Wardens too, Commander. No arguments, Cailan."
"But! I'm the K—!"
Aedan had the impression Loghain was thinking about how The Holy Chicken Bladder of Retribution™ would really come in handy in that moment.
Then something came out of nowhere and whacked the King.
"I'M STILL LISTENING, ESTÚPIDO. DO WHAT I SAID."
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