Like a Drug

Delta Immortal

Disclaimer: I don't own FFVIII.

Warnings: None. It's a pretty clean fic.

A/N: So this was started about a year ago and last weekend I decided to start tying up my loose ends because holy hell I have a lot. This a two chapter fic, with Zell's POV and Seifer's POV, and I'll release Seifer's POV in a week with no other comments. Yes, Zell's a bit OOC, but that's explained in this and expanded more in the next segment.

………

Zell's POV

I can't stop thinking about him. I wasn't aware of it until last night, when I was chatting to someone. I forget their name. All they said was, "wow, you really like Seifer, huh?" and I realized I keep thinking about him.

I'm not even sure if this is a bad thing. I've always thought about him. As a child, he was always tormenting me. I'm addicted to working out, since I don't think of him. I keep doing it over and over and it isn't because I want to be buff or attractive. I just do it.

Am I romantically involved? I don't know; don't care. Seifer's an ass; I know that much. He hates me. He makes other people hate me, too. He singles me out to ticket me or to make my life hell. And I'm always thinking about him.

I wonder if he knows who I am, and it makes me cringe. I don't want him to ignore me. I don't want to be invisible, especially since I know I am to everybody else. So I'm loud. Energetic. Annoying. Who cares, so long as I'm noticed. I want to be noticed. It'd be nice to be loved, but Ma already loves me and I just don't want to be invisible to everyone else.

He passes me in the hall. I'm not running this time, so he pays me no notice. I try to act the same. I try. Maybe he notices that I flinch. Maybe he realizes that after he's out of sight I run. I can't bear to look at him, to see if he even realizes that I'm there. If he doesn't, it'll hurt so badly.

I wonder if he'll notice should I disappear. And then I realize I'm just kidding myself; Ma would be horrified. I can't disappoint Ma like that.

I'm shadow-boxing before I know it. It's habit. I do it and my mind clears. Left, right, dodge- I'm thinking, but it fades away as quickly as it comes. There is no one here in my sanctuary.

"Would you stop with the fly-swatting?" comes the voice, and I look up, broken from my trance. My body complains that I stopped. Seifer almost looks like a big white panther with his coat, ready to growl and kill me.

You'd have to notice me to kill me, and the thought is strangely comforting. "I'm trying to train."

"In the dorm?"

I sneer, and he steps up to me, using his size to show me how little I am to him. His shoulders are wider, his head is a full head higher, he's got angry green eyes and I stare up at him, hating him with every fiber of my being and at the same time wondering if we're so alike, why aren't we friends? He won't touch me- I'm too powerful for that. Or maybe he won't care this time. If he touched me, he'd have to remember it at some point. I would remember it.

Hyne, I'm starting to sound masochistic.

I look up at him. I look up at him and his eyes flicker and for a moment, we meet. He sees me and I see him; we cannot do anything but acknowledge one another. I am not invisible. I am spurned, yes, but somehow being ignored seems worse. Hate can turn into friendship, can't it? It happens in books and movies, why can't it be now?

I wonder why he hates me. What did I do to him? What did I do to deserve his spurn?

"Go play with a T-rexaur, chicken wuss," he states, knowing it'll piss me off.

My body already reacts. My face is red and my heart is pounding anger. "Don't call me that!"

It's my hair. He teases it constantly. I slick it back, just like him, to keep it out of my eyes. Only trouble is that my hair is thick, and it sticks up. I can't control that. Besides, it's better than my original idea of bobby pins and it looks less geeky than a hair band. His body leans in closer, but I stand my ground. "One day, you're gonna get it, Seifer," I tell him.

I don't even bother to wonder if he'll respect me. The answer is no. Even in his nickname, he reminds me that to him, I'm less than human. To him, I'm just some fleeting moment that will be gone as soon as the next GF comes in.

Seifer pulls back, hands up in mock surrender. "Just make sure your punches hit," he sneers. "Wouldn't want you missing on your first attempt to fight back."

His words are disturbing. Why don't I fight back? I have the strength. I already get detentions.

Why does he hate me?

I don't have a reason. I doubt Seifer has one, either. Maybe I'm still trying to get him to see that I am human. Maybe I'm trying to get him to see that I deserve respect.

"Shut the hell up," I almost yell.

He smirks. I hate his smirk. It means he's winning. It means he's going to walk away victorious, while I walk away trying not to cry. Crying is pathetic. I need to lose my temper instead.

"Hey, you know what?" Seifer states , looking around the corridor. He's going to tell me something that I'll be embarrassed to hear. He's going to blackmail me. I know it, he knows it.

I loathe him, and I don't know what I did to make him this mean.

"I heard you've been talking about me nonstop. You like me or something, Chicken?"

I am defeated. I deflate, I suddenly think of all the rumors Seifer's been spreading around. "Why do you do this?" I ask him, wanting to hit him. If I wasn't so sure he'd slap me with expulsion, I would.

"It's fun," he answers. "So, Chickie, you gay? What an insult to gay people."

"I'm not human to you," I tell him evenly, trying not to start breaking down. This isn't me. This isn't who I try to be. "Why do you care?" I start walking. I have to keep walking, I have to keep moving, I can't stop from crying. This will become a horrible rumor and my life will be over. Everyone will hate me.

People are scary when they hate.

"Waitaminute." Seifer is chuckling as he grabs my shoulder.

I freeze. I have tears and I can't look at him and I don't know why this is so important. Seifer has always hated me.

Maybe it's the idea of everybody else hating me, too. I'm not gay. Gay people will hate me for pretending to be one of them. Even though I'm not.

Am I?

It doesn't matter. Seifer is watching me triumphantly, and so my body goes into habit. I start shadow boxing. I have to fight this. I have to make it go away.

"I thought I asked you to stop that. I asked you a question." Seifer's voice is close.

"I can't stop," I tell him. "It's better than drugs."

For a moment, I think I've actually managed to babble about something that keeps Seifer quiet. He is almost contemplative, and then he says, "Let's get you to the nurses office. If you've tried drugs, I'm going to arrest you for it." He takes my hand rather harshly but I pull away, with a surprising amount of strength and I keep running. I can't stop. I don't want to stop. Even if Seifer's still behind me, I don't stop until I've reached the upper levels. We're not supposed to be on the roof. It's bad. I go with the balcony.

People below me are tiny. They're like ants. Do they know how tiny they are? If I were down there, would I be as insignificant? I'm the person it's okay to hate. I'm the person it's okay to bully.

Why does it have to be me?

I curl up into a ball, trying not to cry. Whether I do or not is unimportant. I feel better when I leave hours later, and as I come down Seifer is tormenting another student. I walk by.

"Faggot," the student hisses in my direction. I don't notice. It's really not worth fighting about right now. I move to my room and I shadow box some more. I'm addicted. I can't stop. I get to forget, without GFs. I can remember Ma and Pa and Grandpa, and I am happy again for a few moments, making myself a better human being.

I'm addicted to this, and there's no point in stopping. I make myself better. I forget about things. It doesn't hurt.

Should it hurt?

I then remember about the comment in the hall, and how Seifer let it slide. He really does have it out for me. My hands fall from the side of the bed, and I collapse on top of it. My roommate comes to my little cubicle. "Hey," he tells me. "You okay?"

"People think I'm gay." I hit the bed. "This is all Seifer's doing! He has it out for me! What the hell did I do to him?"

My roommate looks at me, sighing. "Zell," he states. "He doesn't have it out for you. He has it out for everyone."

I don't mention anything. Sometimes, it hurts to exist.

Out of habit, my fist swings at my shadow.

……………

In the middle of the night, I wake up. I'm not really sure why; maybe someone is thinking about me. Either way, I get up and start to walk around the dorm hoping I'll make myself sleepy. It really doesn't surprise me that only after what feels like a few minutes later I run into him. He's sitting by the fountain.

Seifer glares at me. "I sent you a ticket for avoiding arrest, and for running, and for being in a restricted area." He stands up, as if to appear intimidating. I'm too sleepy to care. Too sleepy to care, not sleepy enough to sleep. "What the hell is your problem, Dincht?"

I blink at Seifer using my real name. "What do you care, Seifer?" I retort, not thinking. "I could die and you wouldn't care." That sounds more depressed than I was hoping for.

"You're right, I couldn't." He states it so coldly, and I can't help but hurt. I never understood this.

"I always admired you," I utter before I can stop myself. "I always thought it would be great to be like you, to try and get you to notice. But you just don't care. You want me dead." I look up at him. "What did I do wrong?" Then I realize what I've said and Seifer himself is quiet. Maybe he's surprised at what I've said.

Sure as hell I'm surprised.

Should I take off again, I shouldn't have even said that. "It doesn't matter," my mouth keeps running, and for once I can see why it annoys the hell out of Seifer. "I'm just weak for not being able to accept this." I don't know what it is he's thinking. He's just quiet, thinking, mulling things over. Finally, he speaks.

"So you are a queer little chicken," he states. I can see the way he says it, he wants me to get angry. I'm too sleepy for angry.

"I never understood why you hated me," I admit to him, stepping closer. I have him trapped and his body tenses, expecting me to punch him. Somehow my arms wrap around his neck and I pull him down.

Somehow I think I've shocked Seifer into submission. I press my lips against his briefly but there's no response, so I rest my head in the crook of his neck. Now my sleepiness really kicks in. I'd rather fall asleep here and risk getting shoved into the pool than walk back to my room. My eyes close.

"Get the hell off me," he manages to utter and I knew this would happen. I fall into the pool and there's no retribution. If Seifer doesn't even attempt to act nicer, there was never a chance. Either the water wakes me up or the sharp blow to my head- either way I'm in the water and I'm bleeding. The left side of my face is numb. Good thing my tattoo is there, to hide the gash, I suppose.

Seifer doesn't look back as he walks away, and I don't think I can get up. A student passes by and she suddenly screams in horror at my face. There isn't much to focus on. Red drops swirl around as they dilute in water.

Water falls from my clothes, my bangs, my eyes. Like the blood, it's everywhere. Garden staff come to take me away. The girl comes with me.

……………

Seifer isn't there. He isn't near the med center, he's not anywhere for the next few days. When I see him next, he chuckles at me, at my bandage and I flip him off, tired of dealing with this. "I'm glad you're alive," he tells me, almost goading me into fighting. "I wouldn't want to miss your pretty face."

My hand goes up to my wound and my eyes narrow. "What the hell is your problem?" I yell at him.

"My shrink says it's a defense mechanisms," Seifer replies coolly, and an idea plants itself in my head. He's pushing me away.

As he walks with his back towards me, could it really be that he's pushing me away from him? Why would he do something like that?

"Please. Like'd you'd be afraid of me," I utter. Somewhere inside me, I want to cry. I think… I think I love him. It hurts so much. Why doesn't he like me back? Isn't that a simple concept? To love someone, then they should love you in return.

It's the simplest thing in the world.

My feet have stopped walking. I'm not sure when I collapsed, but someone has me in their arms and is carrying me, as if I'm a big baby and I can't walk to the nurse's office on my own. I manage to see red on the side of his sleeve before Seifer speaks. "Hey, grandma!" he shouts.

Kadowaki emerges from wherever, and Seifer jolts me. "What did you do to him this time, Seifer?" she demands, sighing. "Place him on that bed."

"He collapsed," he responds, and my eyes open for a moment before the darkness eating at my vision threatens to send me into a hallucinatory world. I reach out to grab his coat, because I don't want to be alone, and he takes my hand for a moment, squeezes it, and sets it back down.

……………

Everything returns to how it was. Apparently I had a giant fever, so Seifer didn't actually hear me make a confession. I suppose that's for the best. Somehow the rumor is forgotten, and the girl who I scared keeps smiling at me and giving me books. They're interesting, but I can't focus on them for long. Oftentimes I see my shadow. Of course, I have to swing at it. It could attack me at any second. Be prepared, right?

I forget everything in these moments. Right hook, round kick- everything fades away.

It's like a drug.