Disclaimer: I do not own One Tree Hill. If I did, that would be awesome.

A/N: My first One Tree Hill fanfic! Hope you like it! Its a one-shot.

Little Ball of Sun

typicalgurl1

I felt an emptiness within me. I expected pain. You know the type. The stab in the heart, the aching throbs, the need to scream. I thought I would feel that. Or at least, sorrow. Mourning. Sadness. I, however, did not expect the emptiness to surround me.

It was as if I couldn't feel anymore. Like nothing mattered, and I was untouchable by all. I think it would have been better to feel pain. Because if I felt pain, that means at least I could feel at all. If I felt pain, then at least I would know that I was alive.

I think that's why I jumped into the pool. And I think that's why I lit the piano on fire. To feel something other than emptiness. It was like when you pinch yourself, to know you're awake. When you eat a sour lemon, just to feel your taste buds again. When you sky dive – not because you want to die, but because you want to get that rush, anything to get your adrenaline going.

Nathan thought I wanted to kill myself. Nathan.

I love him so much, but he just doesn't get it. My Mom was a part of me. Even though I was never that close to her in my teenage years, even though I moved out of the house and in with Nathan so early in life, when she moved on, a part of me went missing. I can't describe it in words. Emptiness, nothingness is hard to describe after all.

"Haley, haley," Nathan shakes me out of my thoughts another morning. I realize that I'm chopping the vegetables really quickly, and cut myself on my finger by accident. The cut isn't deep, but it still stings. The pain eases me so I sigh with a relief of some sort. Then my eyes snap back at Nathan and bounce left and right. Anything to avoid looking him in the eye.

"I – I need to go buy groceries," I nod to myself and drop the knife onto the counter, hurrying away from Nathan. I did not want him to see me when I'm like this. I didn't want him to endure any suffering that I had to endure.

"Haley, come back," he called out to me, reaching out to pull me back to him. Nevertheless, I rush out of the way before he could lay a hand on me. I grab my purse from the sofa and the car keys from the coffee table, opening the front door and getting into the car.

I start up the car and back out of the driveway. I see Nathan watching me from inside the house, a worried expression fallen onto his face. I want so much to tell him how I feel, and I want to reassure him that I'm going to be alright. But I myself am not even sure about the latter of the two. I'm not sure whether I can break through all this. Whatever this is.

I don't know where I'm driving to, I just know it's very early in the morning and not many people are up. I keep driving until I feel the urge to stop. I'm familiar with Tree Hill and know that I am near the river. I park the car by the roadside and walk by the river. So many memories rush to my mind, memories with Lucas, memories with my parents, memories with Nathan and Jamie.

I stop suddenly, eying the spot where Nathan and I had our first tutoring session, also roughly at this time of day. I remember the time when he gave me that bracelet and said that line with a smirk. "Don't say I never gave you anything."

So many years have passed since then. And we've both stuck with each other through thick and thin. The tour, getting Jamie, college, the NBA, his injury, Nanny Carrie, Dan…He's supported me and I've supported him.

I sit myself down as I let a tear roll down my cheek.

I'm killing him, I know that. And it's killing me. It's torturing me to see his face as he watches me like that. I know he's scared. I know Jamie's scared. I'm the cause of their pain.

If I could get out of this cage and break through, feel alive again, and simply remember my Mom as she was – kind, compassionate, loving – then I would. I would trade so much to see Jamie, Nathan and I happy again. I was a better person before. I did not shout at my son for spilling things onto the ground. I did not avoid my husband and ignore him. I did not skip work and stay at home.

I used to be good.

"I love you, Hales, and I always will. Always and forever," Nathan's voice appears in my head and I can imagine him sitting with me, hugging me tight and keeping me close. He's looking at me the way he does, as if I'm the only person in this world and I am all that matters.

I stifle a sob and stare at the sunrise in the distance. It's beautiful, especially with the reflection cast upon the river.

I smile. I haven't appreciated the sunrise in a long time. I haven't appreciated much in a while. I haven't really…felt much in a bit. It was good to get some feeling back in me.

"Nathan," I whisper at the sunrise, "I'm going get through this." I choke on my tears and push my hair out of my face. "It's going to be hard, and I don't know how long it'll take, but I promise you, I will." My breath is caught slightly as I wrap my own arms around me, imagining him holding me. "For you. For Jamie. And for you too, Mom." I glance up at the sky and smile – the first one in a long time.

The emptiness in me is still here. I still feel hollow and cold. But within all that emptiness, there is a little warmth. It's like a little ball of sun inside of me. A little ball of hope. And for all I know, that warmth is growing and growing. And someday, it'll fill me all up and I won't feel the emptiness at all.

A/N: Please review! Give me some feedback and constructive criticism so I know what to do better next time. :)