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Snow Trails
She disliked snow and hated the trails left on it.
Liara remembered the first time she actually paid attention to snow was when she was 7 years old.
She saw an anonymous snow trails left in front of her house yard and imagined that it was from her father. That night, she dreamed blissfully that her father would sneak to check on her without her mother's acknowledgement. During that winter, it became her morning routine to sneak out in the morning to cover those tracks.
Her dream crushed when she woke up much earlier than usual only to see her gardener walking past, leaving the same trails on the same path.
Years later, she learned to divert her disappointment and curiosity of the predictable unknown to studying something of a distant past.
There were whispers, snickers, mutters, chuckles everywhere in her mansion. It was getting hard for her to focus. Too crowded. Everyone on Thessia who was important was here to congratulate her mother. They snagged her courage.
She carefully navigated through the lively crowd. She smiled awkwardly when people stopped her, and holds her breath when they chatter about how remarkable her mother was. They imposed their imagined expectation on her. It was getting harder to breathe.
She quickly apologized and swam her way through when she spotted a particular crowd that spread out like a spiral corona with one particular figure projected from its centre. She dispelled her fear momentarily. "Mother," and make sure she sounded calm. "I applied for field archeology," She took a leap of defiance. "I will leave for Therum's excavation site this snow fall."
She felt childishly triumphant when she saw her mother dumbfounded, when crowd expressed subtle astonishment for the derailed path she took. Within a beat, she politely excused herself and retreated back to her room while the crowd continued to murmur and gossip.
The storm was razing outside. Snow obscured their view. Commandos darts from place to place. Rachni popped out from everywhere. Her heart rattles. Shepard was merciless to everyone they met. Few exchanges, somewhat helping assurances, insulting taunts, growing trepidation, moment of relief, fleeting joy. Then Benezia was gone.
She leaves no more trails. Only enduring regret.
It was then Liara realizes that she dislikes the snow.
The color of the snow was harsh cold. The sky passed off an eerie blue. Normandy wreckage scattered the valley.
Liara looked up and thought of a time when the ship fractured in pieces, when she saw a silhouette amongst the burning pieces struggled against the backdrop of the tranquil planet; when Shepard rudely pushed her away and shouted offensive remarks to her for her safety. When she failed to address her desire.
She looked down at the multitude footprints embed into the snow. Mechs and bipedal life forms. They appeared half buried.
She tightened her grip.
I will find you.
It never snow on Nos Astra. But people still leave trails of information everywhere. She just has to trace it. Hunt them.
She gazed unto the information that flood her screens, about Shepard running amok, about Cerberus working behind the scenes, about the micro traces of Shadow Broker's agents.
Guilt and foreboding overwhelmed her. But she will not bend easily. Cold glint flickered in her eyes. Calculations ran in her mind. She will do whatever it takes to get what she wants. As she did with Shepard's body.
And hoped that Feron's trail will not run dead cold.
They never started. They had always bordered on verge of passionate feeling, and when they overstepped this particular border, one of them would always retract.
Shepard flirts more often now and to almost everyone. Yet she is more polite than she was supposed to be before her discharge after Bahak System's destruction. She is even reckless, always charging into the battle, expecting others to back her up. She gives off a consistent public impression of ever idealistic and unfailing, but Liara knows that Shepard is merely thickening her facade over her escalating fear. And she would still follow Shepard to hell, even if Shepard never speaks about it openly.
She hesitates when Shepard ventured into a snowy forest. An odd detour before they depart for Cronos Station. It is an unspoken rule that Liara should go after Shepard whenever Shepard choose to be alone and out of Normandy.
The snow is thick. Liara nearly fumbles. There is no sign of other intelligent life forms. The only trail she could see is Shepard's footsteps. They are deep and carefully alternating. So, Liara steps onto one of Shepard footprint and follows them, step by step. She notes how similar their sizes are as she steadily made her way out of the forest and into a blindingly white clearing with blue sky beyond.
There Shepard stands with her armor glitters dimly. Liara stopped. The trail ends behind of Shepard.
"Just like Noveria," Shepard pauses, "and Alchera, huh?"
The names send pangs into Liara's heart. Shepard has always been pointedly and mischievously cruel to her. But now Liara understands that it is Shepard only way to be genuinely intimate.
"Don't worry. We will win this war." Liara believes it. She must. So is Shepard. "Just like you did with the collectors."
Shepard chuckles. And like a timber, she falls on the white padding, lying face up. Her eyes stare at the sky. "When this is over, you should celebrate with your newly reunited dad."
Liara settles beside Shepard and looks into the same sky. "You should be there too."
Shepard laughs harder. And it stings Liara. "I doubt we'll be able to sit in peace before she slaps me with a singularity." No doubt Shepard must be feeling somewhat apologetic over her abusive behavior exerted on Liara. "Do I sense regret from the almighty Commander Shepard?" Liara mocked. She hopes it would lighten Shepard's burden and the stings she's feeling.
Shepard quiet down. The silence reminds Liara of a time when she was shy and awkward. That Liara would probably mull over every word that might offended Shepard. She sighs. "This trick is getting old."
Shepard shoots up. Her eyes bore into Liara's. "How can you be sure it is one of my tricks?" Her tone serious and expression offended. As soon as her eyes met Liara's, she falters and looks away. Silence again.
And it extends.
But Liara grabs hold of Shepard's shoulders. "Now is too crucial for you to mope around." Still Shepard refuses to look at her. One beat. Two beat. Three Beat. Four beat. Then, Shepard laughs. They are loud, long and gagged. They send echoes into the valley before dying down. And throughout the laughter, Liara's hands never let go of Shepard's shaking shoulders. She feels tremors running through Shepard's body. Perhaps that is as far as Shepard would acknowledge of her obnoxious manner to Liara. It doesn't matter, not any more.
"Man, Liara, you are getting better at this." Shepard wipes off a tear from her eyes. "Okay then." Shepard pushes Liara's hands off her shoulder and stands up. She stretches herself. "I'm done moping." Shepard smiles. It aches Liara's heart even.
Shepard offers her a hand to get up. Liara accepts. Shepard over exerts her strength when she pulls Liara up. Liara fumbles. Shepard catches her. Only an inch apart from each other. So close. Shepard cups Liara's face and gently wipes away a tear that Liara does not know that it was there. "Didn't realize you were laughing too." Shepard teases.
It must be because of the snow. Liara rationalized. Too much bad memories. "You are getting flirty and mischievous again." And she pushes herself away from Shepard. It is her turn to cower from their relationship.
"Yes. I supposed." Shepard sighs. "Though you still owe me a kiss." She glares into Liara's eyes.
"Wha-?" Liara is taken aback.
"Normandy lockdown, remember?"
"You pushed me away before Illos." Not fair. But Liara is not afraid of Shepard's eyes. She recoiled too much under Shepard's manipulative pretense.
"Likewise in Illium." Shepard replies coolly. She takes a step closer. "And after the Shadow Broker." She whispers close to Liara's ears. Shepard's fiery breath spread searing desire on Liara's neck. Liara bites her tongue. Her heart is being erratic again.
"Look, Shepard." Liara takes a step back. And places her hand on her throbbing temples, not before hovering it above her pounding heart for a split second. "It's not that easy. You know it. That's why you push me too."
Shepard frowns. For a second there Liara feels sorry. Perhaps Shepard is merely trying to let off some load-
Suddenly, Shepard takes Liara's hands . "I prefer to think it as a dance." Shepard takes another step forward. Closer than before. It is getting harder to breathe. That desire is running wild in Liara's veins. She steels herself. "You push," Shepard steps backward, "I pull," and softly draw their hands close to her. "And vice versa." Shepard grins impishly. "It lightens the day." There is a beat. "My day."
But Liara is not going take it. She shoves off Shepard's holding hand. "There's something standing between us." And Shepard knows it too. Her destructive and unpredictable behavior. Too random and too contradicting. That's why they are both reluctant to commit.
"But all dances will end sometime." Shepard still beams. Liara hates that façade. It's one of Shepard's tricks again, intermingle with her defense mechanism.
Then, Liara frowns.
Is Shepard asking to end their current relationship? No. Not possible, they never started. There's no way to end it. It is established that they are extremely close friends with benefits who flirts a lot. Too much, perhaps.
Liara had always like the knowable unknown, like the Protheans, it makes her feel safe about her curiosity, but being with Shepard? Too much unknown, too many variables, too many diversions. Even her confident knowledge of the Prothean mutates and crushes her idealistic impressions, along with her known understanding of her own culture. This experience only serves to solidify her trained instinct that warns her that blindly going along with her unrestrained curiosity and passion will cause destruction in long term.
Or perhaps she is comfortable with what they are now; at least she can deal with Shepard. It is simple. She is used to it. Impassive to some of Shepard's advances. Deflect them with flirty tease. Or maybe she is too afraid of another rejection; it makes her feel weak and stupid. Just like that awkward Liara who fumbled on Shepard's every implying word and contradicting action.
Yet, there is something else between them that Liara could not let go. She loves Shepard. Too much. To give in to her advances.
"Fine." Shepard shrugs. She turns around. "I'll ask you again on earth." And she starts tracing her footsteps back to Normandy.
But apparently, being solely in love with Shepard is not enough. Nothing is easy with Shepard.
"You can't possibly refuse me at that time." And Shepard mimicks a poorly imitated lengthy evil laugh that ended with breathless gagged cough.
It makes Liara laughs, albeit softly.
"Come on." Shepard urges. "Don't blame me if you can't catch up." Despite so, Shepard is taking her time to re-imprint solid tracks on the snow.
Once again, Liara follows Shepard's trail as she steps firmly into her footprint whilst they make their way back to the Normandy.
Arthur's note:
Never experience snowfall. Liara/Femshep relationship inspired mostly by the subverter's Vie.
P.s. If spotted any mistake, please don't hesitate to voice out. (It's been forever since I wrote any proper stuff.) Thank you for reading.