Author: PepperjackCandy
Series: No
Archive : LexSlash, my writing at fanfiction.net
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Clark/Lex
Category: Humor
Spoilers for: Nothing
Disclaimer: I own nothing Smallville-related, or related in any other way to Clark Kent, Superman or any of the various creations of the wonderful folks at DC Comics.
Feedback: Always welcome, either by e-mail or using the review system at fanfiction.net.
Warnings: Victoria; tongue-in-cheek mpreg (some day I might write my serious mpreg idea, but not just yet).
I don't know if this is technically an Into the Woods crossover, or just an homage.
indicates italics indicates bold
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Once upon a time, in the land of Smallvillia lived King Jonathan and Queen Martha and their charming and handsome son, Prince Clark.
For several years, Prince Clark had pursued the beautiful Lana, princess of the next kingdom over, but upon her engagement to Sir Whitney of Fordham, Prince Clark grew despondent.
His friends, Pete the Sidekick and Chloe the Morally-Ambiguous, rallied around.
"Hey, Clark," Pete said, "don't worry about Princess Lana. She was always kind of . . . vacuous anyhow."
"And anyway, there are more exciting things to talk about."
"Like what?" Prince Clark asked, daring her to prove her statement.
Chloe said avidly. "King Lionel of Luthoria has disowned his son."
"Really?"
Chloe nodded. "Yep. He's named Sir Dominic his heir instead."
"So, what's Prince Lexpunzel doing to do now?" Pete asked.
Chloe shrugged. "Who knows? No one even knows where he is."
One day, several weeks later, Prince Clark was wandering through the woods that connected Smallvillia to Luthoria when he heard someone strumming a gittern. He followed the sound.
Eventually, he saw a light ahead of him. As he continued walking, he realized that the light was in the top window of a tall tower, and now he was hearing words. "For I am Lex . . ." The voice sang, then continued, "Lexpunzel." The music stopped. "Dammit."
After a moment, the strumming started again, accompanied by the sound of humming.
This must be Prince Lexpunzel! Prince Clark thought as he listened. Impulsively, he called up to the lighted window. "Lexpunzel!" No response. He tried again. "Lexpunzel!!"
The music stopped.
Well, I have his attention. Prince Clark yelled again. "Do you have anything you can throw down so I can come up to see you? Rope? Particularly long hair?"
Suddenly, a completely bald head appeared at the window. "Sorry. The last guy who came around asked me to let my hair down to him and he never brought it back." He snarled.
"My, you're charming, Lexpunzel."
"Well, you get held prisoner in a tower for three weeks and see what it does for your sense of humor."
Prince Clark was starting to get a crick in his neck from staring up at the window. "Would you mind if I come up and join you?" He asked as he spied a door camouflaged in the side of the tower.
"Sure." Lexpunzel said, rolling his eyes as Prince Clark disappeared from his view. "Just don't try the . . ." he was interrupted by a loud 'boom' and the sound of something being thrown through the brush, "door."
"Thanks for the warning." Prince Clark said dryly as he came back into Lexpunzel's view, his face covered in soot and assorted twigs and leaves stuck in his hair. A bluebird landed on his head, picked up a particularly long twig in its beak, and flew away.
Fortunately, Prince Clark was the All-Kingdom Rock Climbing Champion five years running, and he commenced scaling the tower.
Soon, he'd easily made it up the wall and through the window, and was staring directly into the silvery-blue, captivating eyes of Lexpunzel.
"Hi." Prince Clark said, blushing under Lexpunzel's gaze.
Lexpunzel, quirked up one eyebrow. "Hello."
"That's quite a big window you have there."
"The better to . . . . What?"
"The window. It's big. Why don't you just climb out of it?"
"Because," Lexpunzel's already-pale skin blanched further. "I'm afraid of heights."
"Oh." Prince Clark nodded. "Maybe I could . . .," he took in Lexpunzel's form, which, while not quite as tall as his, was still quite large. "Or maybe not."
Prince Clark walked the perimeter of the tower, stopping to examine a trapdoor in the floor. "Where's this go?"
"The ensorcelled door at the base of the tower."
Prince Clark flinched away from the trapdoor as if it had the power to knock him backwards as the door downstairs had done.
"Who's keeping you here?" Prince Clark asked as he stood.
"Victoria, the evil sorceress."
Lexpunzel was captured by the beauty of Prince Clark, so he said, "But she's not due to come around again until tomorrow. Why don't you stay awhile and keep me company?"
And keep Lexpunzel company, Prince Clark did. That day, and every day for the next four weeks.
The Victoria was visiting one day, and Lexpunzel asked if she could leave him alone for a moment to use the chamber pot.
"I don't know what it is," Lexpunzel complained, "I find that I have to make water an awful lot lately."
At this, Victoria snapped sharply. "Come here."
Lexpunzel complied. "Really, though, please don't keep me too long. I think I may burst if I don't relieve this soon."
Victoria slid her hand down into the waistband of Lexpunzel's hose. Or rather, she tried to. "Goodness, Lexpunzel, haven't you noticed how tight your hose is anymore?" She said with false sweetness.
Lexpunzel knew not to trust this tone of voice. "What are you getting at, Victoria?"
"Who's been visiting you?" Victoria asked without taking her hand from the waistband of the hose.
"What?" Lexpunzel fought to get away, but Victoria jerked him closer by his waistband.
"Who. Has. Been. Visiting. You?" She ground out between her teeth.
"I . . . I don't know his name." Lexpunzel admitted, adding silently, But I know I love him.
"You've fallen in love with him, eh?" Victoria asked. "Well, I wish the two of you much joy." She began to push Lexpunzel towards the trap door. "Or should I say, the three of you?"
"What?" Lexpunzel asked. He seemed to be asking that a lot lately.
Victoria laughed coldly. "You're pregnant, dear. Didn't you know the signs?" "But, I'm . . . male. Isn't that highly improbable?"
"You've been living in a tower for the last month and a half without any plumbing or visible source of food, and yet you're clean and haven't died of hunger, and you're looking for logic?"
Before Lexpunzel could be tempted to answer this rhetorical question, Victoria pushed him through the trap door, down the stairs, and out the door of the tower, which she locked behind him.
Lexpunzel sat down hard on the ground at the base of the tower. I'm alone, in the woods, with no food, and no place to go, and apparently, he rubbed his hand wonderingly over his now not-so-flat abdomen, I'm pregnant.
He could hear the sounds of Victoria cleaning the tower above him, but he felt no inclination to move. He had no sense of time anymore, but he hoped that his lover, his, he snorted, prince charming, would be by soon. Before Victoria could come down the tower and drive him farther into the woods.
Much time passed, and Victoria was still stomping around, slamming furniture loudly, swearing at the top of her lungs, when Prince Clark emerged from the woods. He walked to the base of the tower, and grabbed hold of the coarse stone, preparatory to climbing, when he heard a voice.
"Psst! Over here!"
Prince Clark looked around the side of the tower. There, sitting on the ground, was Lexpunzel. "You're out!" Prince Clark said with joy. "You finally were able to climb down?"
Lexpunzel shook his head. "No. I. . . . Let's get out of here. We can talk about it later."
Prince Clark bounced happily. "All right. I'm ready to go."
"You really are, aren't you?" Lexpunzel asked, amazed.
"Of course. You're . . . I mean, I'm . . . " Prince Clark paused, then tried again. "I've wanted to take you home with me for a long time."
"You have?" Lexpunzel was almost able to forget his condition for a moment. "And where *is* home, exactly?"
Prince Clark blinked. "Smallvillia."
Lexpunzel blinked. "Smallvillia," he repeated. He looked Prince Clark up and down, taking in the rich fabrics, the stylish cut, and said, "there aren't a lot of families in Smallvillia who could afford those clothes, you know."
"Well, not a lot of families are the rulers of Smallvillia, Lexpunzel." Prince Clark responded, a puzzled expression on his face.
Lexpunzel's eyes widened as he realized what Prince Clark was saying. "You mean you're . . ."
"Yes. You didn't know?"
Lexpunzel shrugged. "You never told me."
"Oh. Sorry. So I guess that you need some time to prepare before I introduce you to my parents?"
Lexpunzel blinked. "What?"
"Well, I figured that since I love you and all . . ."
Lexpunzel smiled. Prince Clark had said those words to him, but if Lexpunzel knew one thing, it was to discount anything said in the throes of passion. But to hear them spoken so calmly and rationally, in broad daylight, made Lexpunzel happier than anything he'd ever experienced before.
"But if you don't want to be my life partner, I'll understand." Prince Clark finished.
"Of course I do." Lexpunzel hastened to assure him.
Prince Clark smiled a little goofily. "You do?"
Lexpunzel found himself returning the smile. "Yes. I do." But how do I tell you that I'm apparently carrying your baby?
They walked on in silence, taking frequent bathroom breaks, until they reached the palace of King Jonathan. "Do you want to change clothes? Get freshened up?"
"I could use your privy," Lexpunzel said. "Other than that, I'm fine. After all, I don't have any clothes but these, anymore."
After Lexpunzel returned from relieving himself, they walked together to the King and Queen's private sitting room.
King Jonathan was reading petitions as Queen Martha chewed on the already-ratty end of her quill, attempting to balance the books for the kingdom.
The Earl of Jenkins sat off to one side, playing a gittern softly.
"Mother. Father." Prince Clark interrupted them. "I have something to say to you."
Concerned by the seriousness in their son's tone, King Jonathan and Queen Martha looked up, and found that Prince Clark had not come into the room alone.
"I know you." King Jonathan said to Lexpunzel. "You're Lexpunzel, the son of King Lionel."
Lexpunzel nodded his head, acknowledging this fact.
"He's more than that," Prince Clark said, grasping Lexpunzel's hand in his. "He's my love, and we've agreed to become life partners."
The Earl of Jenkins stopped playing his gittern.
Finally, Queen Martha broke the uncomfortable silence. "I'm so happy you've found true love, son," she said, "but I had hopes of becoming a grandmother one day."
"Actually," Lexpunzel spoke up, blushing for the first time he could remember, "that's not going to be a problem. You see, apparently, I'm going to have a baby in another eight months."
Queen Martha's face broke out in a smile. "That's wonderful! Only, isn't it highly improbable?"
The four royals looked at each other for a long moment, then looked up at the narrator for an explanation.
For crying out loud, I said, you're getting a grandchild, a grand*son*, I added for emphasis. And thanks to the beauty and intelligence of his parents, he will someday be the greatest king Smallvillia has ever had. And you're complaining to me about the logic of how this came to be?
"You have to admit, she has a point." King Jonathan said.
The other three nodded.
"So, I suppose we should start planning the wedding." Queen Martha said. "I'm certainly not going to have an illegitimate grandson."
The Earl of Jenkins started playing again, as the quartet began their plans.
And they all lived happily ever after.