Summary: Wizards invented their own version of the Muggle television. The concepts of the shows tend to be hilarious or appalling. Nonetheless, Albus Severus can't find anything he wants to watch.
Genres: Comedy, Parody, Crack, Humor, Silliness, New Next Gen, Canon Compliant
Rating: Teen to be safe
Characters: Albus Severus Potter, Scorpius Hyperion Malfoy
Disclaimer: J. K. Rowling created the characters and the Potterverse. No copyright infringement is intended; only non-profit amusement for the fans is intended!
Note: QueenElspeth asked the question "If wizards had tv what programs do you think they'd watch?" that inspired me to write this. The nine shows with 'quoted' titles were created by QueenElspeth, anna_lupin, pacergal84, stuart, or lanenk, who are some of my fellow splendiferous puppy shippers from BlackLupin. All the rest of the shows are mine and normally a parody of the title of an actual Muggle television program. Enjoy the silliness!
WizoVision
By MinervaEvenstar
The WizoVision didn't display its picture on a screen inside of a box, like the Muggle television. It looked like the people and their environments were there in the room with you…if they'd all been subjected to a powerful Shrinking Charm and were confined to a solitary tabletop in the household, that is.
The Potters had owned both a magical Wiz and a Muggle telly, ergo Al had learned from an early age how to cast an activating spell and how to hit the 'on' button on a remote control. During his childhood, he'd enjoyed curling up with his parents, big brother, and little sister to laugh at the programs both devices played. However, he wasn't fond of the distasteful shows played nowadays, and upon graduating Hogwarts had almost decided it would be better to not purchase a Wiz or telly at all. Two things changed his mind.
The first was he knew if he wished to have a source relaying the occurrences of the Wizarding World other than the Wizarding Wireless and unreliable Daily Prophet, he needed to own one.
The second – and ultimately more important - reason was Scorpius had wanted to get a WizoVision for the flat the two of them were renting together, and Al rarely denied him anything.
It was a quarter past five o'clock in the evening. Al was hungry since he'd skipped lunch and teatime in favor of doing potions experiments all day. He knew Scorpius would be home from work soon, though, and didn't want to start supper without him. Al waved his wand to activate the Wiz because he had nothing better to occupy his time.
Scorpius had watched the Wiz last, so naturally it was tuned to a soap opera station. Forbidden was on, which made the potion maker grin since it pertained to a Gryffindor/Slytherin love affair Al imagined Snape would have liked. He was glad Housewives' Desperation wasn't playing because it eerily reminded him of his and Scorpius' grandmothers. However, Al had no interest in watching Forbidden, or any other soap, such as Black's Anatomy, hence he flicked his wand to change the channel to search for various news shows. That was one reason why he'd bought it, after all, was to watch news.
True Stories hosted by Rita Skeeter was on, and Al snorted derisively before hastily tuning to a different station. 'Britain's Most Haunted' was airing as well, but that only reported about ghosts, ergo Al continued to seek a program and discovered Owl's-Eye View was giving reports he'd heard before. He sighed disappointedly, for The Witching Hour, his favorite news show, was not on at the moment.
Given the current time, Al was aware the debating program that Scorpius liked would be on shortly. It was called Politicians and Pygmy Puffs, and basically pertained to wealthy wizards complaining about the Ministry. Al had no great love for the Ministry, but found the discussions on Politicians and Pygmy Puffs incredibly torpid.
The talk show The Quibbler aired at the same time as the argumentative one. Obviously, it was based on the Lovegoods' magazine. Normally, Luna handled the written work and Rolf, Luna's husband, interviewed people on the WizoVision. Luna tended to send an owl to whichever Potter or Weasley she presumed would be intrigued by an upcoming episode. Since Al hadn't gotten any post from Aunt Luna lately, he knew whatever was on today wasn't likely to interest him.
With another sigh, he tried a random station and immediately wished he hadn't. A reality show was on. It was 'When Transfiguration Goes Wrong.' Al honestly couldn't see the appeal at laughing at others' problems, but apparently most wizards could due to the evidence of programs like Fear Factor: Face Your Boggart and 'Survivor: Purebloods Try Living as Muggles' existing. Al could name numerous reality shows off of the top of his head he would never dream of watching. For the dateless, there was Witches Gone Wild and Britain's Most Eligible Wizards. For people who found being yelled at by idiots beneficial, there was 'Healer Phil' and Hellish Kitchen. Al privately thought Molly Weasley would be a better angry host for the cooking show than the one the producers presently had.
Reluctantly, Al admitted to himself that a few shows relating to real-life had the decency to help people as it mocked them. Nonetheless, he still refused to waste time viewing them. Extremely Enchanting Makeover, which promised to make someone "from ugly-as-a-troll to pretty-as-a-veela," was one Al's superficial cousin, Dominique, had wanted to go on when she was younger. Thank Merlin her parents hadn't allowed it given the fact that she already WAS part-veela. If he recalled correctly, and he typically did, she'd also wanted to be a contestant on Hogsmeade's Got Talent! Al could hardly fault Dom for this, though, considering Cousin Fred wished to be nominated for Extremely Enchanting Makeover Broom Edition and Cousin Roxy wanted the 'Interior Design: Let's See What We Can Fit'remodeling crew to work on her bedroom.
Crime-based reality programs were the worst in Al's opinion. People shouldn't be given fifteen minutes of fame for something they did wrong. Al wasn't certain why people wanted to be famous anyway. Passerby knew who he was everywhere he went, and he was more disconcerted than satisfied by the experiences. Maybe it gave more satisfaction to prisoners since they, and the dementors guarding them, willing gave interviews on When Good Wizards Go Bad and Sinister Sorcerers. The dementors needed a translator, and Al doubted the man actually understood what the creatures were saying. Aurors showed live footage of Dark Wizards being arrested. It wasn't nearly as interesting as it sounded, and had an extremely annoying theme song of "Bad mages, bad mages, watcha gonna do when they come for you?" If Al was asked to select a favorite criminal-style program, then it would be The Great Escape because it was amusing to see clueless officials STILL making absurd theories about how Sirius Black might've escaped.
Al missed the good old days when sitcoms were played more often than reality programs. The Weasley Bunch and Everybody Loves Harry did not given him much pleasure for obvious reasons, but The Snape Family included a catchy theme songs. The lyrics were: "They're creepy and they're kooky; mysterious and spooky! Their noses shaped like hook-ies. The Snape family!" Life with Draco, Ugly Pansy, and 'The Worst Muggle' weren't comedies Al viewed regularly, but they were good for a laugh once in a while. Even Shrieking Shack, which had numerous magical friends living together, and I've been Framed, which told tales of portraits, had more creative bases than most reality shows, and Al didn't liked either of those AT ALL. Everyone who had shows based off of them were paid royalties. Al wondered where the royalties for The Snape Family went since the real Snapes had perished leaving behind no living relatives.
The children's shows which aired in his youth had been as good as the sitcoms. So good, in fact, Al had often fought with his siblings over who got to choose the program being displayed by the Wiz. Lily's preferred The Littlest Mermaid and James liked Eek, Real Monsters! Al tried watching James' most beloved program with him on multiple occasions, but after being scared by the episode with the kappa, Al never looked at it again. James and Lily had flat-out refused to give Al's most relished show a chance, which Al hadn't believed was fair. In the end, it wound up being their loss, for Al had learned many interesting things from Potions Pete on Fun with Fumes. The only program Al boycotted as a child had been Charlie the Unicorn, and that was due to principles because Uncle Charlie was gay.
Those kids' shows weren't on anymore, though, so what did children watch nowadays? Al hoped it wasn't reality telly. Whatever it was, Al was sure it wasn't the History of Magic Channel, which was hosted by Binns and hated by young wizards everywhere. Scorpius was probably the only wizard who tuned in to THAT snooze-fest regularly. Other networks seemed to be geared towards adults, or at least adolescents, leaving naught for the was the'Discovery Muggle' station that held Granddad Weasley's attention daily and 'WQN: World Quidditch Network' that captivated most of Al's relatives. Al suspected James had the largest collection of recorded programs from WQN in existence. Even though they'd never discussed it, Al also believed James hated NGS: National Gobstones Station since NGS was considered dull by WQN fans the way that Muggle golf was deemed boring by football fans. Personally, Al detested sports channels, but preferred them over 'ESP…N the Divination Network with a floo-call show.' Kids enjoyed make-believe, so perhaps they watched ESP...N. Whatever they viewed, if they had decent parents monitoring them, it certainly was not Wands and Cauldrons the heterosexual porn channel, or Bedknobs and Broomsticks the homosexual porn channel
After pondering it for several moments, Al determined some young witches and wizards must watch game shows. He had not ever seen a game show which interested him previously, but he had nothing else to do, so he decided to search for one now. Are you Smarter than a Third Year? and Who wants to be a Multi-Galleon-aire? bored him quickly since he deemed all of the questions asked by the hosts ridiculously simple. Al speculated Rose and Scorpius, who had graduated top their year, would find them easy as well. The Moment of Truthfulness disgusted Al and he mused it might be un-Slytherin-ish of him to consider using Veritaserum in front of a large audience immoral. He was losing hope of ever finding entertainment when he discovered There and Back Again where two opposing teams competed to see who could use a time-turner more effectively. It rewound time for only a few minutes within the confines of the studio, which was impressive magic.
Al was so fascinated by the blue team's time-travel strategy that he didn't notice Scorpius come home until the blond sat beside him on the settee. Gray eyes widened with disbelief at Al's chosen program. Scorpius made a mental note to use Parental Blocking Charms to scramble the station so Al couldn't continue watching it and get any dangerous ideas.
Minerva's Note: I deliberately left it up to the readers' interpretation if Al and Scorpius live together as platonic friends or romantic lovers. If you would like more details regarding how I personally prefer to imagine their relationship, then you can ready my smutty sequel "Green and Silver Apron." If not, then thanks for taking the time to read this! Which titles for WizoVision programs did you like best?