Ok been a while since I've written femslash so sorry if this is really bad.
This started with three lines, "I don't love you." "I'm nobody." – I'll tell you the other line in chapter two because it might be spoiler!
If you haven't seen the most recent episode, then spoilers – for that matter if you have only started watching since Bernie arrived then there will also be spoilers!
This is had not been betaed so all mistakes are my own and I love them all!
The rating might go up that will depend on lots of things but mainly my muse – she is very fickle!
Bernie couldn't help the gasp that fell from her lips as she opened her front door, "Serena."
Holding up her hand Serena shook her head silencing the blonde. "No. This time you listen to me. You've had your say twice," she swallowed the lump building in her throat, she had come here for a reason and she wasn't leaving until the other woman had heard her out.
"I don't love you."
The words spoken in Serena's no nonsense tone brought tears to Bernie's eyes and caused an almost physical pain to her gut. "Well, thanks." She tried to keep the hurt out of her tone, to not allow Serena to know how much those words hurt. Yes, she had run away, yes she had told Serena that time and space was needed between them, but never expected that this would be the conclusion the other woman would come to and certainly not only hours after she'd fled. She had seen the look in those beautiful brown eyes, she knew that look. Serena loved her.
"Bernie," Serena waited until the other woman's eyes met her own. "I don't love you." The tone was kinder but the words still hurt.
"You said that already," straightening her back Bernie pulled on all her British reserve, her Army training. "Was there anything else you needed, I have to start packing."
"Bernie." The exasperated tone caused Bernie to frown.
"What do you want? You come here and say that to me," Bernie could feel her anger rising. She and Serena had, had their moments but she had nerve truly lost her temper with the other woman. "I don't know what you expect me to say to do. But I guess I was right, this. You and me it was rushed. Borne from something, something that isn't even …." Her rambling was cut off by a pair of lips she'd been dreaming of for weeks pressing against hers. She couldn't help but moan and wrap her arms around Serena deepening the kiss. She didn't understand what was going on but just like in their office and on the theatre floor, she knew she needed to make the most of this moment to memorise it all just in case this was it, the only time. The final time.
Pulling back Serena rested her forehead against Bernie's. "I don't love you," she pressed her thumb against Bernie's lips to keep the other woman from replying. "But I am falling in love with you." Serena knew it was cruel, the way she had acted in the last few minutes but her heart was still hurting after Bernie had walked away from her, ignored her begging and ran. She was after all Serena Campbell; she could hold a grudge for a lifetime. Except apparently when it came to Berenice Wolfe. For whatever reasons she couldn't stay angry with the former Army medic, even when she wanted to. And she really, really wanted to. Especially this time, and the time before with Cameron and the police, the time before that when the blonde had been sent to spy on her and definitely the first time she had caught Bernie lying to her. Somehow though, she always ended up forgiving and moving on. Always back to Bernie.
"What?" Bernie cleared her throat, her heart was hammering in her chest. She couldn't believe she'd gone from heartbroken to this in such a short space of time. Serena Campbell was falling in love with her. She'd known, the words in the basement had made it clear. The words in the basement that had terrified her now made her want to cry with joy not fear.
"Can I?" Serena nodded behind Bernie, they needed to talk and it wasn't a conversation they could have on a door step.
"Of course," Bernie stepped back and closed the door once Serena was inside. "Would you like a drink?"
"No, thank you. I just …" Dropping her bag Serena turned her eyes moving over Bernie's face. "I …" She stepped forward and pressed her lips briefly against Bernie's. "Sorry but you're not the only one who's has been wanting to do that for weeks. That's not why I'm here though."
"No," Bernie shook her head sadly. Serena was falling in love with her and she already loved the other woman not that she was brave enough to say it out loud. It wasn't until the moment she'd told Hanssen that she would take the secondment but made him promise that she could tell Serena and that the Trauma Unit would get a good locum, that she had dared to even think it. That didn't mean everything would be ok, she was about to leave for three months and while Serena had a huge heart and had forgiven her in the past for many things. What she had done today, walking away from her best friend, the woman she loves, possibly her last chance at true happiness, while the other woman begged and pleaded with her. It wasn't something that anyone could forgive easily.
"Can we go sit down, please?" Bernie whispered her eyes dropping to the floor. "We need to talk, we both know that and I think it would be easier if we …" She trailed off with a shrug, unsure of why sitting would make anything easier.
"Ok," Serena picked up her bag and turned making her way through Bernie's flat, they had both been to each other's homes enough over the last few months that she knew the way.
Sitting nervously side by side on the sofa, both women looked down at their own laps, neither knew how to start this conversation. There was so much to say, so much ground to cover relationships were messy, complicated things on their own but add families, children the fact they worked together in Holby a place that fed on gossip, a new haircut could keep people talking for days never mind a new romance.
To both of them this was new, Bernie may have slept with a woman before, had a relationship of sorts but to be out in public, to announce to the world that she was in love with another woman was scary.
For Serena, she knew how she felt knew what she wanted but her relationship with Edward had almost cost her everything. She knew how the people of Holby could behave and just because Ric had been kind and full of support it didn't mean everyone else would be. She'd also seen first-hand the way Dominic had been treated by patients in the past, could she handle that, would she stay as calm as he had?
Was it worth it, slowly Serena lifted her head her eyes moving over Bernie starting at her calf and up to the side of her head. The other woman's eyes remained downward but Serena didn't need to see them to know exactly what they looked like. Bernie's eyes had haunted her dreams for weeks, months if she was honest and that's what tonight was all about being honest. Yes, Serena gave a small nod, it was worth it. Bernie was more than worth it and if she needed to she would fight for them both.
"I didn't handle today well."
Bernie's head snapped up as Serena's voice cut through the silence. "Neither of us did. I'm sorry, so very sorry."
"I know." Taking a deep breath Serena reached out and brushed a lock of hair behind Bernie's ear. "It is the right thing, we both do need time and space but not so I can work out what I want. I know what I want. But I think …" She trailed off and turned her head away trying to get her thoughts into some sort of order.
"It might be the right thing but I could've, I should've …." Bernie's voice caught, she couldn't find the words to make how she'd handled things right. She had never been a words type of person, preferring to adage, 'actions speak louder than words' but this wasn't the right time for that, while she didn't think Serena would mind if she reached across and used her lips, hands and body to show the other woman how she felt, the problems would still be there and things would probably be even more strained between them.
"Hey," reaching out Serena brushed the back of her fingers across Bernie's jaw. "It's ok." The look of regret, pain and guilt in Bernie's eyes as she shook her head caused Serena's heart to clench and she found herself forgiving the other woman just like she always did. "Right now it is. Just let it go. Ok?"
"Ok," she didn't believe it ok not really but if it was what Serena wanted then she would let it go, for now.
With a small smile Serena sat back, "this is Holby." Bernie frowned at the sudden conversation shift but kept quiet. "Do you know how many people that work in this hospital have had affairs, even just in the time you've been there never mind me."
Bernie shook her head still confused. "No."
"Me neither," Serena let out a humourless laugh. "I know about some of them, Raf's wife Amy that was a complicated one, not really an affair but it did end up in a baby and nearly destroyed AAU and at least two good doctors." Bernie watched as Serena seemed to drift off into her memories for a moment. "I was angry, hurt for Raf absolutely furious at how it played out but I didn't react like I did when I found out about you and Alex."
Bernie's head dropped, shame burning through her. "Serena."
"Stop," reaching out Serena gripping Bernie's chin and pulled the other woman's face up so their eye met. "Just listen. I was hurt and not because you lied. It was none of my business, I didn't understand why I was hurt," she rubbed her thumb over Bernie's lips. "Not then."
"I couldn't tell you," covering Serena's hand with her own bringing their joint hands to rest on her lap. "I didn't know how, I wanted to be honest with you, I did." She swallowed and looked down watched her thumb run over the back of Serena's hand. "But after you told me about Edward and what he put you though I just couldn't find a way, I didn't want you to hate me." She looked up with a sheepish smile.
"I don't think I could," at Bernie's questing look she smiled. "I can't even stay angry with you. And I've tried." With her free hand she reached up trailing her index finger over Bernie's forehead and down her nose. "There is just something about you, there always has been right from that very first meeting."
Smiling at their joint memory Bernie nodded, "there has always been something about you as well."
"My feelings are not something that just happened today, the idea of you leaving probably did scare me into acting …. Saying …" She shook her head. "But it's been building for a long time, even before our first kiss. I don't lie to police for just anyone," she gave a small shrug. "A lie of omission is still a lie. I also wouldn't have given up half my department to build a Trauma Unit for just to make someone feel better after a hard day."
Bernie couldn't help but smile at that, the Trauma Unit truly was the best gift anyone could've given her. "I'm sorry about everything with Cam." Bernie frowned, she apologised too much, she screwed up too much.
"He's your son Bernie, we do what we need to when it comes to protecting our children."
"And nephews," the both smiled slightly. "Still I should never have brought you into it, you or the Trauma Unit."
Leaning forward Serena rested her head against Bernie's twining their fingers together. "All you had to do was tell me the truth, trust me to have your back, to be on your side."
"You always do."
"Yes."
"I've let you down with that as well haven't I?"
Serena pulled back, "what do you mean?"
"Since before that conversation Albie's you have always had my back and I haven't always had yours. When I need you, you're there but I haven't returned the favour, it's always about me."
"Bernie," Serena could feel the guilt building in the other woman. "You have my back; you have always had my back even if you don't think so I do." Wrapping one hand around Bernie's upper arm Serena sat back pulling Bernie with her allowing the silence to settle over them as they both got lost in their own thoughts.
A large smile suddenly broke out over Bernie's face and she tightened her grip on Serena's hand.
"What is that smile for?" Serena whispered not wanting to break the peace that had developed in the room.
"When Hanssen wanted another Consultant on AAU."
"To babysit me." Serena added with little humour.
"Yes to babysit you," the sarcasm in Bernie's voice made Serena smile. "When Hanssen wanted another Consultant on AAU I told you I'd offered so that it was someone who would have your back. That's not exactly true." At Serena's raised eyebrow Bernie smirked. "You're Serena Campbell, every Consultant in Holby respects you and most of them adore you, you would've been fine with someone else. I offered because I wanted to be close to you." Bernie's smirk grew at the blush that covered Serena's cheeks, leaning in she pressed a kiss against the heated skin.
"Really?" Bernie nodded, "I'm glad it was you."
Silence fell over them again until Serena's sigh broke it. "It's my turn to apologise for today."
"You have nothing to apologise for."
"Yes I do," Serena stood up and paced a few steps before sitting down again. "I'm nobody Bernie."
"What?" Bernie grabbed hold of Serena's upper arms, "of course you are."
"No," Serena shook her head. "I'm not. I'm not your partner or child. I have no right to ask you to stay."
Bernie's eyes filled with tears, it was she had wanted all day for Serena to ask her to stay. "You're my …." There wasn't just one word in any langue to describe who Serena was to her, to explain what the other woman meant to her.
"I've been trying all day to find a way to ask you to stay without actually saying the words, I didn't want to say too much to scare you." Serena scoffed, "that didn't work did it?"
"I'm a coward," Serena shook her head. "I am Serena, when it comes to personal relationships I'm a coward." Bernie brushed her lips against Serena's. "You are not nobody, not to me."