Warning/Spoilers: Some spoilers for Cap 2 and some terrible vagina related puns. But mostly fun. Also mentions of babies and pregnancy if that irks you.
A/N: Wanted to go back to my roots of campy, farcey fun. I've been thinking about the concept of 'there are no crazy girlfriend just guys that turn them into crazy girlfriends.' Also the closer I get to 30 the more I'm wondering what the hell I'm doing with my life.
A/N2:In other news, I have been thinking about this as a longer series with some prequels because apparently I don't have enough unfinished stories. But let's not talk about that. I hope you guys enjoy!
"Look at what my sister sent me!" Darcy wailed as she walked into one of the lesser visited break rooms at New Avenger's Upstate New York HQ. In her hand was a copy of a book sent her for a passive aggressive attack designed to remind Darcy that she was failing in life. A book that so succinctly told Darcy her sister and mother's opinion of her life choices and ill fate. A book that also came in the mail about two weeks before Darcy's 'back up' was going to get married, highlighting the fact that Darcy was completely and utterly alone.
Darcy had picked this break room for her dramatic entrance because Natasha texted it to her as the spy's current location. What Natasha failed to state was that the often empty and forgotten break room (hence it being Nat's fave spot to lounge and plot) just so happened to not be empty. Behind Natasha's small table was Scott Lang and his literal partners in crime: Luis, Dave and Kurt. Luckily, Darcy liked them so she wasn't completely embarrassed to have a larger audience than anticipated for her mini-mental break down.
Natasha sat at a small, cheap white table with her feet propped up and her face buried in a copy of The New York Times. At Darcy's entrance, the four men who had been lounging and chatting in low tones, perked up and turned to stare at her with interest. In renewed vigor, Darcy marched over to Natasha and slammed the offending book on the table. The top edges of the newspaper curled down and Natasha peered over it to read the book's title. When she raised an eyebrow, Dave reached over and snatched the book with a quick swipe that was not at all subtle. He and the other men bent their heads close as they examined it.
"Your Body Is A Temple: A Woman's Guide To Treating Herself Like A Goddess," Scott read out loud. "Hey, that can't be too bad. Other than what I expect are hundreds of uncomfortable puns."
"Is this one of those books about female sexuality that's just about having sex? Because I can support that," Dave said with a leer but Darcy chose ignored his comment.
"Just read chapter two," Darcy commanded and Scott flipped through the pages. After a few moments of skimming, his brow rose as he reached the paragraph that had Darcy up in arms.
"I assume that your sister is the one that highlighted this?" Scott asked. When he saw the nod from Darcy, he cleared his throat and began to read. "Ladies, be careful. Your body is sacred but don't let too many people worship at the alter. A popular temple doesn't mean it's the cleanest. Think about your dream house. Do you want hundreds of strangers to be trekking through without a care? Also consider the quality. One bad decision could ruin your reputation forever just like a bad plumber can one day result in broken pipes. Would you rather be a mansion or a crack house?"
"That's cold," Luis scoffed and Darcy nodded in agreement.
"And contradictory," Scott insisted. "I mean, a successful house of worship thrives off donations. The smaller a congregation, the less money they're making. So, if you're going to treat your body like a temple, you're gonna have to sleep with a lot of people and even then only a small portion of them are going to contribute to the financial upkeep."
"That's not the point, Scott," said Darcy, raising a hand to silence him and shuddering to think what 'financial upkeep' meant in the scheme of puns. "The point is, my sister is saying my vagina is a crack house. And you know what? At this point in my life, I'm starting to think she's right!" She ended her sentence with a slightly hysterical, high pitch laugh that had the men shifting uncomfortably in their seats.
"Your vagina is not a crack house," Natasha said, tone not offering any room for argument. She didn't even bother to look up from her newspaper. Although Natasha assumed her authority made it a closed conversation, it did nothing to ease Darcy's panic.
"Even if it was, I've met some pretty decent guys at crack houses," Dave said with a confident nod, offering Darcy a grin that suggested he thought this was a completely appropriate compliment. In reply, Darcy let out a strangled whimper that sounded like a gremlin drowning. She buried her face in her hands and tried not to scream.
"Hey, girl, you ain't a crack house. You a mansion," Luis said, earning a small smile from Darcy though it was blocked by her fingers. She looked up and saw Luis's earnest expression. "A nice, Victorian style mansion with like, loads of Monets and Renoirs, and a pool with a waterfall."
"And big bouncy castle in front yard," Kurt said softly with a smirk. Letting out a shriek of indignation, Darcy crossed her arms and tried to search her already panicked mind for a comeback. As Dave began to snicker, Natasha rolled up her newspaper, dropped her feet on the ground and smacked the back of Kurt's head with precision. He let out a curse in Russian but thought better than to continue when he saw Natasha's death stare. With a resigned frown, he mumbled. "Sorry, Darcy."
"Back to the matter at hand, here. Okay, look at my track record. I have only dated criminals. And the one guy that wasn't a criminal, broke off our engagement because he cheated on me with his now wife," Darcy said, racking her brain to try and find a memory that contradicted this. "Hell, I had a crush on all you guys until I got to know you losers."
"Hey," Dave frowned right after his little smirk of victory once her semi-compliment turned cold.
"They can't be all criminals," Scott insisted, using his calm, logical voice which still sounded a little like he was being a tad sarcastic.
"Besides, ain't nothing wrong with criminals, baby girl," said Dave with a wink. "Hell, I'm still up if you want to slum it with a bad boy."
Ignoring their interjections, Darcy continued down memory lane, all the while counting off on her fingers. "Okay, so my first boyfriend in middle school, Bobby West? He's in trial now for a Ponzi scheme."
"If he didn't commit the crime in middle school, doesn't count," Scott argued. Next to him, Luis, Dave and Kurt had differing expressions in agreement or dissent but Darcy just held up a second finger.
"Number two. First real proper boyfriend: sophomore year. Craig Langley. He sold oregano to middle schoolers and told them it was weed."
"That's just smart business," Luis assured Darcy and the rest of the men agreed. "It doesn't hurt anyone to smoke some oregano."
"Three. My junior year: Eric Swift. Sold actual weed to classmates."
"Loads of teenagers sell weed," Dave said, leaning back and shrugging with a clear lack of admiration for her list. "It's a rite of passage at this point. In fact, I'm a little offended to be lumped in with these guys."
"Freshman year of college, I dated Roger Williams who shot a guy for looking at him funny in a bar."
"Oh, that is crime. Cannot argue that," Kurt conceded, quirking his head as he considered that scenario.
"And it's just continued until Ian. Who I thought by now I'd have married and had babies with until he cheated on me and married his adultering science slut," said Darcy, just a little breathless as tears pricked the corners of her eyes. "And I can call her a science slut because Jane agreed she was a science slut. She used science to help with her slutting."
It had actually hurt like a bitch when Ian broke off their engagement. They'd gotten distant, sure, and she knew that the long distance during their engagement was going to be hard. Still, it kind of caught her off guard. Really, she hadn't expected him to stab her and her dreams in the back. Whilst she had come out of it a stronger, more independent woman, it didn't mean that she'd rather have gone through it. She'd actually much rather have met a better guy who did love her and wanted to marry her.
"Technically, an adulterer is someone who is already married," Scott started to explain but at the glare from Darcy, he pursed his lips and furrowed his brow. He sheepishly brought his attention back to the book in his hands. "But you know, he still sounds like an asshole. And I bet she's like, the worst."
"The point is, my sister is right and my vagina is a common space for criminals," Darcy clenched her fists and fought back her tears. She sniffed and wiped the corner of her eyes
"That doesn't make it a crack house. It makes it a bar catering to those who prefer a life in the grey area of the law," said Scott, voice optimistic. It didn't change Darcy's train of thought. She was already miles away and thinking about the wedding she'd have to go to, alone, in two weeks. And boy did she not want to think about Fernando. Fernando was cute, decent and certainly not a criminal male. They'd been fast friends throughout college and made a pact that if he ever had visa issues or if they were both still single by the time they were thirty, they'd get married and have a couple of kids. It had been something Darcy was really hoping to fall back on. Fernando was sweet and caring, even if he had sworn off marriage for anything other than tax purposes. He was also like-minded in that fact that he knew he wanted kids and that didn't scare him. Also, her family loved Fernando, which was a huge plus.
But then Fernando had to meet the freaking love of his life and decide that marriage wasn't an institution created by the government to trick people into heteronormative slavery. Fernando's whirlwind marriage was in in two weeks and Darcy turned thirty in three. Fan-fucking-tastic.
"So what? You're not married and you dated a few guys that your mama didn't like. You're still young and hot, so what's the problem?" scoffed Dave, tone suggesting that he was now board with the conversation. Crossing his arms and leaning back is his chair, he set Darcy with an impatient stare. Darcy made a note to thank him later for the 'hot' comment.
"The problem is that I'm turning thirty next month and my life plans are all out of whack. I know Thor landing in New Mexico already set off my plans by like, three years and I wouldn't trade that for anything but this is getting ridiculous. Now my perfect, younger married sister is rubbing it in my face that I don't have a family of my own. I won't stand for this! I'm having a baby even if I have to steal sperm and use a turkey baster!"
That last sentence effectively rendered all the men present speechless. All of their mouths hung open in complete shock and a little fear. It had not been Darcy's intention because she had not been intending to reveal that tiny detail to them. Originally, she'd assumed Natasha would be alone so they could have this discussion in private. Darcy already decided a week ago that she was going to have a baby on her own. She really did want one. She loved her nieces and nephews and was always bummed when working at the Upstate HQ meant she had lack of communication with them. Besides, Darcy had been thinking long and hard about this, so this wasn't a sudden, rash decision. With the marriage of Fernando, she realized she'd always been falling back on the knowledge that he'd be there for her no matter what. The invitation had been a rude awakening and Darcy spent the last three months examining where she wanted to go in life. And where she wanted to go was motherhood because the relationship thing sure as hell wasn't working out.
Skip the wedding and just go for the baby. Darcy could certainly live with that.
Working with the Avengers had not been apart of the plan. She enjoyed it, even if she knew they kept her around because they felt bad. It's why she got along with Scott and his merry band of tightless men. They, too, had some skills but not necessarily enough to really put them on Avenger or New SHIELD agent level. Also, they knew too much and could be a liability if not kept close. Darcy knew all about that life. Hell, she'd been living that life for about six years now. But now she wanted more. So, she'd thought to bounce ideas off of Nat and see what the agent thought about a little toddler running around HQ. Natasha had a soft spot for babies so Darcy had been certain her answers were going to be positive if Nat had first dibs as babysitter.
Natasha, who had been quiet during most of this exchange, placed her newspaper on the table and set Darcy with a piercing stare. It wasn't frightening, just one that Natasha used to try and suss out liars. Okay, so it was kind of frightening but Darcy had nothing to be worried about because she wasn't lying.
"Uh, so, are we gonna talk about this?" Sam Wilson asked. Letting out a squeak, Darcy turned around to find Sam Wilson, Steve Rogers, Wanda Maximoff and Brock Rumlow standing in the doorway to the break room because apparently this was now the Avengers Official Break Room. At the sight of Brock, Darcy's stomach dropped. As always when she spotted the now well known double agent around the compound, her brain filled wish flashes of their past relationship, which so far, had been kept secret to everyone in New Avengers and New SHIELD. She'd rather it be kept that way, too. Although Darcy's cheeks flushed deeper at the slightly pleased look on Brock's face, she was glad the red could be explained away by general embarrassment of her public declarations.
"I know we have more of a verbal handbook of appropriate behavior around here but I'm pretty sure sperm hunting would warrant an HR meeting. Should you choose to do so," Steve said drolly. Darcy's shoulders drooped and she let out a pained groan, asking why whatever higher power there was had to display her insanity out for all to see. Darcy had not been insane until she'd met Brock. Quirky? Yes. A little weird? Perhaps. But bonafide cray cray? Nope. That had firmly happened soon after getting involved with Strike Leader Rumlow. Though it was after Ian cheated on her so maybe Ian was a little to blame as well. Long story short: Darcy completely sane but the men she'd choose to associate with had stolen her sense, leaving her as batty as the old crone her family thought her to be.
"I take back my offer about slumming it. Sorry, but I'm not looking to be a baby daddy," Dave lifted his hands up in defense as if he expected Darcy was about to charge him this very second to steal his precious baby juice. Darcy rolled her eyes and crossed her arms at his theatrics.
"I'm looking for high quality sperm, thanks. In fact, I've already contacted a company and they've sent me over some bios," Darcy said haughtily, only wincing just slightly when she heard the words aloud.
"How much higher quality can you get than super soldiers and top agents. And suave conmen?" Dave asked, gesturing towards the Ant-Man Crew.
"I'm not giving anyone my sperm," Steve insisted loudly, actual concern lacing his tone and accent getting more '40s New York as panic set in. "I'm sorry Darcy. You're a swell dame and all but I have no intentions of being a father."
"That's great because I never asked for it, Steve," Darcy said, voice rising in pitch, volume and sass. This was getting ridiculous. This was why she wanted a private conversation with Nat.
"Darcy, you've got plenty of time to find a nice guy and settle down," Sam insisted in his calming, radio voice. Everyone at the door began to slowly make their way in, with Wanda and Steve offering Darcy a wider berth. She was pretty sure Wanda probably knew what had been rattling in Darcy's brain these past few weeks but Wanda was still a little awkward at comforting people. Of course, Darcy didn't blame her and hadn't been expecting much other than Wanda to give her a blessing to do whatever made her happy.
As Brock walked by, he was a step closer to Darcy than what would be deemed appropriate for supposed acquaintances. A quick look was shared between them. Him wondering if she'd consider his offer from last week and her telling him to shut the fuck up.
"What is that?" Kurt asked, raising an eyebrow and wagging a finger between Darcy and Brock. "That look you share always when you think no one sees. Like you two buried dead body together and want no one to know."
At his observation, Natasha perked up.
"Ahh…uh," intoned Darcy. Her mind was blank. Literally completely blank. Like, she forgot what words were. Natasha leapt at her incoherent babble. Her eyes shot between the two, widened and then narrowed.
"When did you two…how did I not know?" Natasha asked, voice level but accusation clearly dripping off her words.
"We..we did nothing. In fact, I'm insulted you'd even suggest I would ever, uh, whatever it is you think I did with Rumlow," Darcy scoffed, suddenly remembering loads of words but not even remotely able to stop and think about what was coming out of her mouth. This was why SHIELD stuck her in data and archives. Darcy would make a terrible spy. "He is not my type and frankly, I think his cheeks are too sharp. And too many muscles. Like, why do you need so many muscles? Actually, I think that you're just…just trying to- uh? How do I know you're not seeing him and distracting us from the truth? Hm? Check and mate, Natasha. Check and mate."
"About a year ago, for seven months until the Triskelion fell," Brock answered smoothly with a proud grin forming. "We kept it secret because Darcy was ashamed. And because she was kind of crazy."
Letting out a loud shriek of outrage, Darcy turned to Brock. "You shut your damn mouth, Rumlow. I was ashamed because you made me crazy."
"You were crazy before I got involved," Brock insisted with a smirk that was designed to irk Darcy all the more.
"I was crazy because you got involved. I was the sane one in all my relationships until you. And what we had wasn't even a real relationship. You weren't technically my boyfriend."
"I was totally your boyfriend," Brock said with a snort, crossing his arms and fixing Darcy with a pleased smile. "A live-in boyfriend. Who met your parents." Darcy wrinkled her nose, gearing up for more denials but eventually let out an angry huff. Okay, she had to concede those points. Except, in her defense, the parent meeting thing had been unplanned. Her parents visited her in DC as a surprise. Though, they got the bigger surprise when they found out their daughter was living with a man who'd never been mentioned in any conversation.
Darcy and Brock lived together for a couple of months, which she still was certain had been orchestrated by him. There was no reason for her landlord to suddenly tell her their longstanding spoken lease was going to run out in less than a month because he was selling off the building. When no one else had to leave.
"Okay. Fine. You were my secret boyfriend that my parents accidentally met but I stand by all the things you drove me to," said Darcy with eyes narrowed on Brock's grinning face.
"She's the one that bleached your clothes?" Natasha asked in disbelief but there was a spark of pride in her eyes. "And dulled your knives?"
"Bet you wished you'd poked your nose into my life back then, huh Romanoff? Instead of laughed at me," Brock taunted. There actually wasn't much reason for Natasha to have known or cared. At that point, Darcy was still a SHIELD lackey and not on Nat's radar. Still, Natasha fixed Brock with an angry glare but he didn't waver from the affectionate gaze he set on Darcy. It made her shoulders itch and her face heat up again. Weren't guys supposed to recoil in horror when being reminded about the antics of their crazy ex?
You know what kind of guys were into that? Crazy ones.
"Okay…back up. You two had something?" Sam asked, voice tinged with the same disappointment Darcy's mom had during every family get together when the conversation fell onto what's been happening in Darcy's life. Although Sam had been told by Steve that Brock was a double agent this whole time (so double that for a while, even Steve wasn't sure where Brock stood), Sam still didn't like the guy. All because they were on the same side, didn't mean that Sam had to like him. He begrudgingly respected Brock's skill set but not much else. But obviously, he didn't like the idea of Darcy and Brock having a thing. Even if the thing was a shameful secret that actually had been seven months of the most amazing sex and a lot of fun times in-between the fighting.
"I…think we should go back to the fact I'm on the prowl for sperm," Darcy suggested pitifully. She'd rather focus on everyone thinking she was a baby stealing harpy than remember all the good times with Brock. Because when it came down to it, she really did love Brock and that made post-Project Insight life all the harder. Taking a deep, fortifying breath, she spoke with confidence that was mostly feigned. "And just so everyone is aware, I am not prowling for sperm from any one of you guys. So, just cool it."
"Then why are some of our names in the back of this book?" asked Scott innocently, holding up the book for all to see. The back cover was propped open where there were indeed a few names scribbled in. Dave reached out to snatch the book. "There's even some pros and cons."
"Let's see," Dave began to skim through the list and nodded as if it was the most fascinating thing in the world. Every so often, his eyebrow would twitch but he had a pretty good poker face otherwise. If Darcy weren't burning crimson, she might be a little impressed with him. "Darcy, you need to take some calligraphy classes or something cause this looks like when Kurt writes in Russian. Wait, Luis, bro, you're in first place! Says you have an 'appreciation for art and culture'. Also, you make bomb waffles."
"Waffles are a meal that all ages can enjoy," Luis said sagely before turning towards Darcy. "Though we got to talk about how we gonna raise the kids because I am a firm believer of Kang's theory of Dolphin parenting."
"But she also said you take too long to tell stories and she may not be able to handle you when the kid's keeping her up the first few months," Dave read out and Luis pouted, body slumping slightly.
"You think I'd upset you? Girl, I'd make sure that kid's changed and fed and you got a full eight hours, too," Luis insisted and Darcy felt a pang of guilt clench her chest. This really wasn't a list to be read by the men involved. She'd written it in the throes of insanity that she wasn't entirely sure was quite over yet.
"It's all stupid. Something I wrote but didn't even mean. I'm crazy, remember," Darcy used a finger to make little circles by her ear. Next to her, Brock took a small step towards her. She could feel the heat radiating off his skin and warming her enough that she really wished she'd worn a shirt and not her standard sweater. She could feel his eyes drilling into her neck with his patented blank but slightly disapproving frown.
"Who is next?" Kurt asked, peaking over to try and read ahead.
"Sam," Dave read after a theatrical squint and now, Darcy started to panic even more than she had been. She really didn't need Dave to go further down the list. Edging towards him, she tried to scoot over calmly without alerting him that she'd intentions of snatching the book out of his hands. "Pros are they'd have beautiful babies and Sam would make a good dad."
"That's true," Sam said, voice smug and grin wide. "They'd be milk chocolate angels."
"Hey, our babies would have been caramel angels," Luis interjected and Scott nodded in enthusiastic agreement.
"Ooh but cons are it would be weird because Sam's more like a brother to her and she'd feel bad about stealing him from his soulmate, whoever that is," Dave's voice started to take on the quality of a dating game show host in his loud delivery and overly dramatic tones.
"Those are actually some thoughtful cons. I'm okay with that and I concede the baby daddy race," Sam said sincerely, one hand over his heart and bowing slightly like a Regency gentleman. At this point, Brock was practically seething but everyone seemed to be ignoring him in lieu of the show Dave was putting on.
"Ah man, that's big of you. Respect," Dave said, nodding his head towards Sam. "Okay, next contestant is Steve and the pro is the same as the con which is 'weird super sperm'. How's that a pro and a con? I always knew you were nasty."
"Because I'd probably get pregnant the first try- wait, you know what? Enough. Stop twitching, Steve! I don't want yours or anyone else's sperm in this room. That's officially enough of this," Darcy announced, grabbing the top of the book and attempting to pull it out of Dave's grasp but he held tight. "I'm totally fine if you guys want to talk about me behind my back so I'll just go ahead and let you start. I'll have that and then I'll be on my way."
"Oh no, no," countered Dave, pulling the book back with a sudden and sharp move that had it slipping out of Darcy's hands before she knew what was happening. He threw it to Sam when Darcy lunged for it. She ended up landing on the table and knocked some of the wind out of her. When she straightened herself back up, she saw Sam was already reading the last name and the corresponding arguments.
"Last name is…Brock," Sam said, clearing his voice halfway through the sentence as his eyebrows rose to his hairline. He paused, as if thinking better than to continue. But he looked up at the expecting gaze of the audience and realized that if he didn't read it, someone eventually would and they wouldn't be as nice. "And uh, con is that he makes her crazy but pro is that, uh, he wants to get married and have kids? Really?"
When all eyes snapped to Brock, all he did was offer a look of nonchalance and a small shrug.
"Damn," Dave whispered sincerely and it was heard by everyone in the now silent room.
"Since when the hell did you want to settle down?" Natasha asked with mild skepticism but quirked her head and appeared to answer her own question a few seconds later. "Though you shacked up with Darcy and I didn't know it. I guess none of us really ever knew you. You're still an asshole and that's low level deflection, so don't let it get to your head."
"Yeah well, I guess having a building fall on top of you kind of puts life into perspective. Looked back on things I didn't realize were regrets," Brock said, fixing Darcy with an expectant but still gentle gaze. His eyes softened with fondness, as if begging her to believe him. A whirl of excitement slid through Darcy. She tried to tamp it down because she knew that feeling well and knew where it led: betrayal and heartbreak.
Brock's proclamation that they'd been together up until Project Insight wasn't entirely true. They'd broken up exactly two days before. The reason being that Brock didn't want to get married or have a family. Although it hadn't been their most violent fight, it had certainly been the most emotional. Darcy had felt like she kept going down these dead end paths and finding out that Brock was another one, had been the final straw. In hindsight, she wasn't not sure why she assumed he'd be any different. Maybe she thought that because he was older, he'd be more willing to settle down? In the end, it didn't matter because he had been dead for a while. She'd told herself it was best because she didn't want to raise a kid with Brock if all they were going to do in the background was fight.
But then he rose from the dead with only a few burns on his face and some slightly worse rage issues. Though he was working on those. He was actually a lot calmer now. Slightly different energy and maybe that was because he wasn't a paranoid double agent being forced to do shit things. Or maybe the mandatory therapy was working. Still, she wasn't going to hang all her dreams again on maybe. Why did this have to be so confusing? She should just go with a stranger's sperm. That would be easier.
As if reading her mind, Brock reached out and hooked his pinky with hers. Butterflies fluttered in her stomach. When she didn't pull away, Brock spoke quietly so everyone in the room had to lean in to try and listen. "You want to know something? I was going to tell you, if SHIELD hadn't fallen, that I was gonna really think about the marriage and kids."
"Yeah, think about it and lead me on till you got bored," scoffed Darcy but Brock shook his head. She refused to meet his eyes.
"No, think about it and probably agree soon after," Brock said. When Darcy's lips thinned, he let out a sigh and tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. His voice continued, soothing and sincere. "All I could think about when I saw the helicarrier coming towards that building was that I'd fucked it all up with you. And that kids and marriage actually wouldn't be all that bad if I was doing it all with you. I haven't been able to stop thinking about you since I lost you. Honest. Worst regret of my life was not running straight to you when they sent out orders to take down Cap. I never stopped loving you. You gotta know that by now."
A lump tightened painfully in Darcy's throat. Tears began to well in her eyes and even if she didn't want to believe his story, her heart thumped in her chest. A thrum of excitement ran through her bones and she fought back the shiver. It's what she wanted but she'd been burned enough times to not trust herself to just run straight back into the fire. Brock's pinky squeezed Darcy's ever so lightly and she looked up finally to see the earnest vulnerability in his eyes and damn, did that do her in. Biting her lip, Darcy stop herself from saying the 'yes' fighting to tumble from her tongue. She needed time to think. No rash decisions. This was for her future child and she wasn't going to made a dumb decision that could hurt the little, yet to be created bean.
Still, it was damn hard to say silent the longer she looked into Brock's eyes.
"Damn man, I'm gonna cry," said Luis with a pitiful sniffle, effectively dispersing the tension that had been building between Darcy and Brock. Turning her head, she saw Luis rubbing at his eyes as Kurt gave him an awkward pat on the back. Tugging her hand away from Brock's, Darcy wrapped her arms around herself and shifted her weight. "That was beautiful. I vote for Rumlow, man."
"I do too," Scott agreed. "If you don't kiss him, I sure as hell will." That earned a displeased glare from Brock whose narrowed eyes clearly stated that he wouldn't even entertain the notion of Scott kisses.
"This is not up for a vote," insisted Darcy but her outrage had calmed and it came out more of a plea than command. She knew that if she was deciding over a group of unknown donors, she probably would have put it up for a vote. Albeit she'd have done it a little more sly than flat out asking around the Avengers Base. But using a donor didn't sound like the best solution now. Truth was that Darcy wanted to know the father and have him in the baby's life. Especially now that Brock had her all confused again. All she could think about was little babies with his eyes and her smile.
"You know, maybe we should give these two some time," Sam spoke up, beginning to usher the audience out of the room despite their weak protests. Steve all but bolted out of the room but before he made it to freedom, he gave Darcy an awkward punch on the shoulder and quietly told her to consider Brock's confession. He had his serious Captain face on which led Darcy to believe he knew more than he had been letting on (or had been able to let on with his panic over his tiny soldiers). With a nod to Brock, Steve peaced out. The rest of the group filed out with varying pouts at leaving the entertainment.
"You know, I can't believe I'm not even on the list," Dave said in a petulant mumble as he walked past Darcy.
"You just said you didn't want to have a baby," Wanda pointed out, shoving him on the arm.
"Yeah but it would have been nice to be asked," whined Dave and the rest of his argument with Wanda faded down the hall. The last person to leave was Natasha, who gave Darcy a pointed look. At this point, Darcy's emotions were so spent and drained that she couldn't fully catch what Natasha was tossing. Something about giving it a shot? Or run away like a coward. Knowing Natasha it was probably the former. After a few moments of silence, Darcy turned back to Brock.
"What was all that about with Steve?" Darcy asked, searching for a distraction from the unmade decision thrown at her feet.
"Oh, when he was testing my loyalty, hooked me up to some complicated lie detector. Started asking me about everything I did in Hydra, leading up to Project Insight. Then he started asking about you. Guess he saw that I had left you most everything in my will and wanted to make sure you weren't in on it. Told him that I wanted to win you back, prove I was a good guy for you, amongst other things," said Brock, an almost sheepish expression on his face as he scratched the back of his neck. "He was decent enough not to tell anyone about that part of the questioning. Probably even left it out of my official dossier."
"You just…keep on making this worse," Darcy let out a bitter laugh. "It was a lot easier when I could just hate you."
"But it's a lot more fun when you're not angry at me," Brock said, voice lowering into the rumble that always sent shivers down her back and into parts of her that made her blush. "Though sometimes it was fun when you were angry at me, too."
"Okay, so here's the thing. I can't have a baby with someone if all we're gonna to do is fight. I don't want to raise a kid in all that," Darcy said. She tried to be fix him with a serious, adult face but Brock reached out and grabbed her hands in both of his.
"We won't," Brock said so confidently it sounded almost like a command.
"That's a load of crap," said Darcy as she rolled her eyes. Brock tugged her on hands slightly to refocus her attention.
"Okay, I can't promise we won't ever fight but I can promise it'll be different. Last time, we were both paranoid. You, 'cause you didn't trust me after what happened with Ian and me 'cause..well you know. And I know I didn't give you any real reason to trust me, not with what I hid. And yeah, I guess I needed an outlet too so maybe I pushed you to get angry at me, sometimes. We fought 'cause all of that. But I'm not gonna lie to you any more. And I'm not gonna use you to let out my anger," Brock explained and Darcy wrinkled her nose slightly. The therapy was definitely working. Shaking her head, she let out a sigh.
"You can't just assume that. You know, people easily fall back into old habits if they're around people that contributed to those habits," Darcy pointed out. That was a thing, right? She was pretty sure she heard it in a class she took. Or maybe it was from a How I Met Your Mother episode.
"People also grow."
"Ugh, you're not gonna let this go without a fight," Darcy said.
"Never did," Brock smiled ruefully. "But I promise this round I'll let a lot more go, too. Baby's more important than always being right."
"I need time to think about it. Okay? Just, give me a week or two. It's a big decision. That gives you time to back out, too. I won't blame you."
"Well, I'm not going to back out," Brock promised smugly, "but I'll give you three weeks. Except the first two, I get to show you how it's gonna be different. And the last week, I'll leave you alone so you can think about it."
"You're gonna to be my fake baby daddy for two weeks?" Darcy asked with a raised eyebrow. "You gonna use a fake baby to show off your swaddling skills?"
"Only if you want?" Brock offered something between an amused smile and a confused smirk. "C'mon, it'll be fun. I'll take you out and impress you. You always said you wanted weekly date nights."
"I'm probably going to regret this but…fine. Deal. Show me all the reasons why you'd make a good father and maybe we'll try parenthood together." Darcy agreed, noting the smugness shining in Brock's eyes and lips curling up at the corners.
"In two weeks time you're gonna regret ever putting me last on that list," said Brock, voice dropping close to a rumble.
"You're never going to let that go, are you?" Darcy was already ruing the day that Scott found that list. Damn nosey bug bastard.
"I'll let it go…after you're carrying my baby," said Brock with a wink and what he probably assumed was a suave tone. And even though that was a terrible line it kind of worked for Darcy. Despite the flush heating her face, she rolled her eyes.
"Are you blackmailing me into having your kid?" Darcy asked, raising an eyebrow. Gently, Brock took her face in both his hands and raised her chin so she met his eyes.
"It's more of a bribe," Brock said, lowering his face down so he was only an inch away from Darcy. He let his nose slide against hers for a moment and she almost leaned the rest of the way in for a real kiss. Closing her eyes and taking a deep breath, Darcy berated herself for not thinking through what the hell she was jumping into.
"If this is just an elaborate plot to have sex with me, just say you want to have sex with me so we can get that over with and I can move on with my life," said Darcy, trying to give him another out. She was serious about the baby and if he wasn't, then she was wasting her time and would get whiplash from the deja vu. Instead of giving her a wink and slap on the ass (like the old Brock would have done), he wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her close against his muscled body. Her breath hitched at the contact. He still smelled faintly of Old Spice and a hint of sandalwood.
"Give me two weeks and I'll prove to you that I'm serious. About the family and no crazy fights and everything," Brock begged. He placed his forehead against hers and stared down with earnest eyes. While Brock was a good liar, he'd never been able to fake earnest. So, she had to give him the benefit of the doubt this time.
"Okay, two weeks. But no sex. If I say no at the end of it, you can't argue and be an ass when I move on."
"Deal."
"How 'bout we start tomorrow," Darcy decided, pushing at Brock's chest to try and create some distance. Her head was starting to get cloudy from the small of Old Spice and that usually meant bad decisions on her part. He reluctantly let her go but held onto her hands. For a long moment they stood staring at one another, arms length apart. "I think I just need to disappear for the rest of the day and let my pride heal itself. Also, I think Steve's still freaked out about the sperm thing. As much fun as it would be to see him run away screaming, I really don't want to hear Dave tell me about all the friends he has who would donate sperm for free because you know he's going to say something."
"I just want you to know that I respect you and your decision," Brock simply said and Darcy's brow raised.
"That's it? No, how about you lay low in my bed? Or threats to end Dave's life?"
"What can I say, I'm a changed man," Brock shrugged, lips turning up at the corners and mischief in his eyes. Darcy narrowed her own eyes.
"Or you're just getting better at acting," Darcy challenged. He and Nat had been working a few more ops together, so maybe he'd picked up some pointers in the art of manipulation.
"To be honest, I'm probably gonna go to the gym because I know how much you love my excess muscles," said Brock, wagging his eyebrow and grinning like the ass she once knew and loved. Still loved, if the strange fluttering in her chest was anything to go by. Darcy squeezed Brock's hands and let them go. His arms swung down to his sides and his grin waned. A pain shot through her chest and a lump formed in her throat.
"I…guess you could, I don't know, swing by after? We could, watch a movie or something. I've moved on from reality TV to YouTube reaction videos, FYI. Or we could listen to Britney Spears because I know how much you loved that," Darcy couldn't help but offer. He'd hated Britney Spears but always endured her obsession with stoic silence. In fact, he'd never taken a jab at Britney, which was pretty impressive because loads of the SHIELD men were assholes whenever they heard Darcy singing to herself in the archives. Even Ian had made some jabs at the Pop Princess who'd shaped much of Darcy's adolescence.
"I'd like that. Either option," said Brock and there wasn't a hint of sarcasm. Darcy offered a shy nod and smile. Why had she offered him the invitation? She wasn't entirely sure. She could always chalk it up to insecurities and weakness of the flesh but honestly, she kind of missed spending time with him. When Brock wasn't a raging bull or a horny bull, he was actually pretty chill. It would be kind of nice after hours spent with super brains and heroes. Some of her fondest memories was of them eating popcorn in sweats on the couch and yelling at TV shows. As she was deep in thought, she didn't notice Brock stepping closer to her until she was gathered back in his arms. Looking up with a gasp, she caught Brock staring down with heat in his eyes. "Tell me you don't want to kiss me and I'll back off."
Rather than say no, Darcy rested her hands on his chest and lifted her head. Their lips just barely brushed together when an awkward cough broke through the charged silence. They didn't move away but they did turn their heads to find Scott standing in the doorway. He smiled apologetically and raised his hands in surrender.
"Beautiful. Just beautiful. Oh, I, uh, I left my sweater on the chair and it's kind of my favorite and…" Scott rambled on and Darcy shook her head.
"Just get your damn clothes," Darcy said with warning. Scott scurried over and grabbed his sweater. As he moved past them, he cleared his throat again.
"If you guys need condoms, Kurt has a bunch he'll probably not use before they expire. Though I guess you want to get pregnant so…oh, Dave has your book and he's reading out all the notes your sister wrote in the margins," Scott said before running away. Because Darcy's embarrassment wasn't done for the day (her sister had written some pretty poignant notes that were only so because they were so specific to Darcy), she threw back her head and groaned in frustration.
"I should probably go and handle that before I'm forever unable to show my face again. My sister wrote some reminders of my life choices that I don't want anyone to know. And before you ask, you know about them already."
"I can suggest the Ant-Man Crew go through another training day," Brock offered and Darcy just laughed. That had been a fun day. For guys that bragged they worked out in prison, they ran out of breath really fast.
"Nah, I can handle this on my own. I have some dirt on Dave that I'm not afraid to whip out. You know he was a ladybug in a school play? The pictures are adorable," Darcy smirked. At the admission of her dastardly collection of blackmail, Brock let out a chuckle. He took one of her hands and raised the knuckles to his lips for a chaste kiss. It still made shivers run down her spine and heat simmer in highly inappropriate areas of her body. For a few moments, she forgot about her reputation and just enjoyed the feel of his body next to hers. Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath and gave Brock a quick kiss on the corner of his mouth. He didn't chase after her or try and deepen it. They both stepped back and Darcy felt the loss of him like a warm blanket ripped out from around her on a freezing day. She rubbed her arms and shifted awkwardly from foot to foot.
"And who knows, maybe there'll be more of that later today but definitely no sex. Because that's what all guys want to hear," joked Darcy. She didn't wait to see Brock's reaction as she swung around and made her way out of the break room. So, this day certainly didn't work out as she'd anticipated but perhaps she'd get a happy ending and a cooperating baby daddy, too.
One thing for certain was that Darcy's vagina was not a crackhouse. No matter what her sister thought, Darcy Lewis was a God-damn mansion.