Sunshine
Why was there a strange, unknown to you until now, feeling when you first saw the sparks in his deep brown eyes, for the first time?
Why do you feel like you can't even breathe, like world and everything around him feels blurry, so distant to you?
Why do you always want to catch his look? Why do you wanna be noticed so much, like never before?
Why does your mind only think of him, at any time of day, so focused yet so lost away from the whole world?
You still don't know. It's all strange, but you can't lie to yourself and say you don't like it, no, you just can't.
You feel like you are changing, just like leaves in the autumn. You just hope you don't dry out, become lifeless and fade away. You don't want that.
The teacher kept talking and talking, students carefully listening, but with a few exceptions, of course, and oddly - including you.
You were always really focused when it came to something important, something you were supposed to listen to and try your best to remember it. Your whole mind and body being in a calm position.
And you were even scared when you realized that you couldn't keep your eyes off of him. You tried, a lot of times, but you'd fail every single time. And your eyes would search for him, all the time.
There was a strange mix of feelings in your stomach, and although you were told to be smart and pretty quick to understand things, you didn't know what in the world was that. The unknown scared you, and that definitely hasn't happened often.
When his dark, wide, pupils looked quickly into your eyes, you were almost definitely sure that your heart skipped a beat. You think you even gasped.
You did want him to look at you, for some still unexplained reason to you, but at the same time you somehow didn't even expect it.
You felt embarrassed because the brown-haired boy probably realized that you were basically staring at him. You secretly hoped that he hasn't realized that you've been doing that for almost the whole class.
So you just quickly looked in the other direction, straightening up your posture and going back to your previous numerous thoughts.
Why did you feel nervous yet excited at the same time? You didn't have anything to be nervous, nor excited for.
Why would your palms get sweaty all of a sudden? You weren't sick, as far as you knew. You have never been like this.
So why were you changing without any reason?
You have already met some of his friends from the school, and they were pretty fine to you. But nothing special though.
You didn't really feel like talking or joining the conversation they have already started before, mostly because they were all strangers to you, just like you were to them.
Slowly, and peacefully, you were eating your meal, and frankly, you were enjoying the moment. The weather was nice, sunshine warming up your pale skin and lightening up your eyes.
"You're Inori, right? I am Hare!" A new voice brought you back to the Earth, as you saw a girl with a small shy smile and big beautiful eyes, but not as beautiful as Shu's..
She must be Shu's friend or classmate..
It took you a few seconds to properly answer. "Yes, I am. Nice to meet you. You're Shu's friend, right?"
The girl seemed pretty nice, which wasn't surprising when Shu was really nice himself.
"Heh, yes. I am. Everyone here talks about you so much, you know!" Hare took a seat right next to you, almost immediately asking "Oh, may I sit next to you? You don't mind it, do you?"
You smiled at her, approving her action "Of course."
Remembering her words before she asked you a question, you brought it up back "Everyone here talks about me?"
"Oh, yeah! All I hear is how pretty and nice you are, and how they like you! And now I can confirm it myself." You felt pretty flattered, you have never expected this much people to like you a lot.
"Thank you, Hare. You are pretty nice, yourself." Her face lightened up, a small blush settling on her cheeks. She seemed so innocent.
"R-Really? Thank you!" And you all continued talking, as the sun shined bright up in the blue sky.
Thing were getting really weird. What was happening to you!? Why couldn't you just be..just be your old good self?
Why did things change so dramatically?
You didn't really mean to listen to their conversation, or look what they were doing alone after the stupid class, but deep inside you knew you wanted that.
You couldn't stand the fact that Shu and Hare were alone together, there was a big number of things that could likely happen.
You..you just wanted to make sure nothing would happen, for the sake of your mind.
Your heart was beating fast, in the empty hall full of silence which would disappear every time some of them would say something. Every time she laughed at something he said. Every time he'd join her as well. Every time she'd ask him to repeat his answer again. Every time she said she couldn't really understand whatever thing they were studying.
And every time something of that happened - a big burning feeling would raise inside of your body.
They seemed to have fun time, and if someone who didn't even knew those two came, they'd probably think they are more than just good friends.
Especially after a pencil fell onto the floor, and the brunette swiftly decided to pick it up, but what a small world was it, that he decided to do the same damn thing as well. And their faces were literally a few centimetres apart, their warm breaths splitting them up.
Her skin probably got goosebumps as his breath gently caressed her, and you think it was wrong. So wrong. And really unfair.
You feel like you've been punched in a gut when they both weren't even trying to move. You could see how they looked at each other, and blush coming on their faces.
You barely could handle that, and then her gaze fell onto his lips, and she started moving even closer to him, and you, you knew very well what she wanted to do next.
And when the realization hit you, a loud gasp escaped your dry mouth, making them both turn around to your direction.
So now they saw you. They saw you standing there, watching them through the door, and dammit, now they'd think you're some freak, a weirdo and a stalker!
"Inori? What are you doing here?" You didn't even wait for him to finish his sentence, because you ran as fast as you could.
Running away from that stupid ugly classroom. Away from them. Away from yourself. Away from this stupid world.
He probably even liked her. You should have known it. But you are so stupid and blind and oblivious and naive and everything you shouldn't have been.
His voice still echoed in your ears, that scene from the earlier playing back in your mind, and hot tears streaming down your face. You haven't cried in a while.
You cursed when you realized that you are living currently in his apartment and going back there wasn't even an option.
You had nowhere to go, once again.
You blamed yourself. For thinking he liked you back. For being so jealous. And you blamed him too. For being so blind, and how hasn't he realized that you really like him? For not moving away when Hare tried to kiss him. You wanted him to be yours, not hers.
Yes, you knew that he wasn't a toy or a property, but…was his love too much to ask for?
You don't even know how are you gonna look him in the eyes ever again.
A bright sunshine laying peacefully on your closed eyes woke you up this morning.
God, weren't you thankful for not having to come back to Shu's apartment after…that.
Your whole face felt chill, after crying for hours. But on the bright side you had enough money for a one night at a hotel. That's probably the only positive thing at the moment.
You sighed as you got up from the bed.
Looking back at your own reflection in the mirror made you disappointed. Disappointed at yourself. This wasn't the real you. The real you would have never fallen hopelessly in love with some boy who didn't even like you the way you liked him.
Your eyes looked so tired, and you knew you couldn't hide it.
It took you longer than usual to brush your long and now pretty messy hair, and you usually loved doing that. But right now..you didn't have enough strength for anything.
You also had 11 missed calls from Shu. You immediately looked away from the bright phone screen.
So far you've successfully ignored him. The last thing you needed right now was him asking what were you doing back there and you'd probably just get pissed and you'd most likely spill out all of your hidden feelings you have towards him. You can't do that.
Gai gave you a job, and you can't just back out now. Unfortunately you'll have to talk to Shu eventually. Not like you'd do it if you weren't supposed to. You can not fail Gai. Like ever.
But at the same time, you'd do anything to ignore that awkward conversation.
You felt so anxious when the bell (unfortunately) rang and that meant a twenty minutes break. And the chances that Shu wouldn't find you, somehow, were almost equal to zero, and you were a bit scared.
Rushing through a hall full of bodies was never slower and more painful, especially after you heard a certain person calling out your name.
You felt like you were out of your breath. And that didn't feel any good. If you weren't surrounded by dozens and dozens people you would have probably cried a little. It was like you couldn't escape anywhere and it made you feel stupid.
Your pace fastened up, if that was even possible since you were almost running, and you just wanted to be alone for a while.
Thankfully, you found an empty place just for yourself. You needed some silence.
You can't do it. You can't. You can't look at him again and act as if nothing has happened. Act like you aren't hurt and madly in love for him.
In all this desperateness, you started to bite your lower lip, something that definitely hasn't been a habit of yours.
So why did Shu make you a different person? In a few weeks he made you experience and feel things you have never before. You didn't want to see him right now but you did.
You wanted to slap him and yell at him and scream and cry, and ask him "Why do you like her!?" but you also just wanted to kiss his lips and feel his warm breath on your neck and hold his hand while your heart beats like crazy.
You hated him for making you feel so weak and jealous and different but you were glad that you felt those silly small butterflies in your stomach, and happiness whenever you're together with him.
Life was so so hard.
"Inori?" You stood frozen in the moment when you recognized his voice. Suddenly, you felt a big need to breathe, it felt like there was never enough air for you.
You knew you had to turn around, or he'd come to face you either way. So you did what you had to do.
Seeing his face, oh my, it made you feel like a small little child looking at someone older who they really look up to.
"Inori. What are you doing here? And why have you been ignoring me? You haven't even come hom-, I mean to my apartment yesterday."
You knew him well, and you could see on his face that he was pretty worried, but you weren't even sure in yourself anymore, he probably only saw you as a friend, and nothing more.
On a moment you thought you were selfish, and whiny like some kid, who doesn't really care what their other peers think, in a kindergarten. You didn't want to become like that, or maybe it was too late for that now..
"I-It's nothing." You mentally cursed at yourself for stuttering like an idiot. "I just needed some time alone."
You surely could have lied better than that. Although it was half true, you did need time alone, just to clear your thoughts a bit, but that would require even more time.
Look on his face was telling you that he didn't really buy it. His words only confirmed it "I saw you yesterday, back when I was in the classroom, with Hare. You ran away."
She already knew that, and just saying it out loud made her feel angry and embarrassed.
"I'm sorry that I ruined the moment.." You ignored his piercing stare by looking down to the ground.
"You didn't ruin anything. Hare…I..I don't like her in that way at all." You immediately looked at him, your reflexes reacting quickly.
"You..you don't? It didn't seem that way yesterday.." He rubbed the back of his neck, that was half covered in his messy but shiny hair, with his right hand and it almost looked to you like he was nervous.
"It all happened quickly. I wasn't even aware what was happening. I didn't even know she really felt that way about me.." You listened carefully to every word he said, like some lost poor puppy.
You realized that you (most likely, like you'd want to think) overreacted. And that felt bad.
You weren't sure what to exactly do right now, apologize, say everything's fine now or tell him how you really feel..
"Oh..I am sorry, then?" It sounded more like a question and like you were waiting for his response. So confusing.
"You have nothing to be sorry for, Inori. So, where have you been yesterday? You really got me worried." That strange feeling came back to you again, and it felt like there was a sea in your body, its waves moving like they are just cheerfully swinging.
"Oh. I was..Gai needed me for something." A lie slipped down your tongue once again. It wasn't that big of a deal, right?
"Something? Oh. Ayase told me how yo-" He didn't finish his sentence and they both knew very well that Inori wasn't gonna drop it just like that.
"She told you what?" You curiously waited his answer and he knew as well that he won't get away from what he started.
"N-Nothing important. Forget it." You weren't going to stop. It was obviously something important.
"Shu, just tell me. I have right to know what she said about me. Unless you want me to ask her.." He sighed in defeat and gave in.
"Alright. I know that you, you go a few times a month to Gai's bedroom, at night. An-" They didn't know what you really did there. Ayase probably thought you were…and he..together..
Of course they'd immediately thought about that. But since you had to keep Gai's secret you had to deal with it.
"It's not what you think, Shu. Sadly, I cannot tell you, but Gai and I are just very good friends. And I am really thankful for all what's he done for me." He seemed pretty surprised by your answer and you really didn't want him to think that you are more than friendly with Gai, because you were not.
"Oh, so. I'm..sorry. I thought you really liked him, you know?" He fixed his hair a bit, as you both stood across each other.
"I don't. I like someone else." You did it. You knew you'd something like this. You just had to tell him.
"You do? So, who's the lucky man?" And now you could either tell him the truth or just hide it which will probably make him think you love someone else.
You felt like a fragile deer in headlights standing in front of him. He was waiting for you to answer.
Just do something!
"It's you." You almost turned your back, ran away, hid somewhere and tried to think about what you have just done. But you didn't.
You couldn't move even if you wanted to, your feet glued to the ground. The only thing you could hear right now was the crazy sound of your heart and your palms were getting sweaty again. You didn't expect two simple words to be so damn hard to tell and cause so much nervousness.
You thought it's all screwed up when he hadn't said anything.
"I..That's…I-I love you, Inori." You looked at him and you've never felt more happy and surprised in your whole life.
The boy standing in front of you looked beautiful. His big brown eyes, and God, you could get lost away in them for days and you wouldn't ever get bored of them. They are so kind and even warm, like they are alive themselves.
His messy hair that half covered his forehead and it was so shiny as if it was bathed in the Sun and covered with millions of little stars from the sky, and you felt the need to finally touch them.
His gorgeous smile that could literally make your whole day or make something turn around in your stomach.
You loved him.
And you felt like you were flying up in the sky when you felt a warm, and a really sweet pair of lips on yours. It was like they were supposed to be together, you connected.
You've never even known that such a beautiful thing can happen with your eyes closed. But you saw everything. You felt everything.
And deep inside of your soul - you knew you two were meant to be together. And that he was the person you'd never, ever, get tired of. And that he was the last person you'd see before you'd close your tired eyes, forever. And that one day - you'd see each other again, on the other side where everything is better, except for him. Because he is always the best.