In Search of Sunrise
"Wait a minute, baby…stay with me awhile…you said you give light but you never told me about the fire." ~Stevie Nicks
Manhattan
Pre-dawn light shined through the window and hit Olivia's face, causing her to wake. She was startled and disoriented. For a brief moment, she thought she had overslept and was going to be late for work. Once she got her bearings, she glanced at the clock and let out a groan. 6:23 am. It was the first day of her vacation and she couldn't even sleep in. She sighed and tried to settle down to squeeze out a few more hours of sleep before facing the day.
Next to her, Rafael was unfazed by the world around him and snored softly. Olivia couldn't help but smile. Even when he slept, Rafael found a way to make his presence known. She moved closer to him and rested her head and arm on his bare chest. She found herself gently running her fingers through his small patch of chest hair.
Rafael shifted; Olivia's touch caused him to stir. He rolled over and wrapped his arms around Olivia, pulling her close. "Good morning," he yawned.
"Good morning to you too." Olivia smiled as she leaned into him.
"Have you finished packing yet?" Rafael asked.
"Almost…just got a few small things to throw into the suitcase. I can't wait! Eight days of no work, no phone…just beach, ocean, and relaxation."
"Just us! It's going to be nice. I am sure this trip to the Bahamas will be better than the last one," Rafael joked.
"Can we not talk about that?" Olivia sighed.
Rafael smiled as he leaned and kissed her on her lips. Olivia returned his kiss as she slid her tongue past his lips, meeting his tongue, exploring his mouth. The kiss was hot and hungry.
As Olivia slowly pulled away, the kiss left Rafael breathless. It was the first time in a long time that she kissed him this way; she wanted to let him know in no uncertain terms she was ready and wanted for more.
Just as Rafael was about to make a move, Olivia's phone began to ring. Olivia started to untangle herself from Rafael's embrace and reached for it.
"Don't answer it," Rafael protested as he reached for her, "They can survive without calling you in."
"I need to…it's Cragen calling," Olivia said as she tapped the button on her phone to answer,
"Hey Captain…"
Rafael signed in frustration. This was supposed to be their time. So many times work had interrupted their plans, he hoped today would be different. He rolled over on his back and half listened to Olivia's conversation with her boss.
"Olivia…I need to talk to you. You can either come down to the station or I can tell you now." His tone was pained.
Olivia moved to the edge of the bed and sat up. She knew immediately something was very wrong. "Cap…what's wrong? Did someone get hurt? Is it Nick?"
"No your partner's fine, everyone in the squad is fine. It's Vanessa Mayer."
"What about her?" Olivia's was slightly irked at the sound of her name.
"She committed suicide three nights ago."
"What? No! Why…how?" Olivia was unsure if she heard correctly.
"The cops in Brooklyn found her. A single bullet to the head. They found a note in her apartment next to her body. In it, she said she was sorry for all the trouble and pain she caused. She mentioned you specifically. She said you were right all along and she couldn't live with what she had done. Her mother called me to tell me the news this morning. I had to tell you now, Liv. I wanted you to hear it from me first before it got out to the press."
"I don't…I can't…" Olivia shook her head in disbelief. This couldn't be happening. Not now.
"There is one more thing…" Cragen hesitated.
She wasn't sure if she wanted to know what else the captain had to tell her. Olivia swallowed hard. "What else?"
"Mrs. Mayer…she asked about you."
"She did?" Olivia sounded surprised. Given all that Mrs. Mayer endured, Olivia thought she would be the last person Mrs. Mayer would ever ask about.
"She wants to talk to you…today if possible."
Olivia was stunned. "She what?"
"You heard me Olivia, she wants to see you. She said you would understand. I will text you her address."
"...okay…Captain…I need to go," Olivia ended the phone call before Cragen could reply. She placed her phone down on the nightstand. The buzz of the promised text message jarred her slightly.
Olivia pushed herself off the bed. She was rattled and Rafael knew it. "Liv…" Rafael called to her, only to have her shake her head in response as she walked out of the bedroom. Rafael frowned. He wanted to follow her but Rafael decided it was best to give Olivia a moment to herself before asking her about her conversation with her boss.
Outside of their bedroom, Olivia headed out to the small balcony off the living room window. She needed some air and some space. She inhaled deeply, letting the cool morning air fill her lungs. She looked out over the city towards the Hudson River.
This was her favorite spot in their apartment. She sometimes teased Rafael that the balcony was the only reason she agreed to live with him. This was more than just a spot with a great view for her. Before Lewis, Rafael and Olivia spent many nights drinking wine and sharing with each other some of their inner most secrets. They both felt safe here. It was here where he told Olivia how sometimes he felt out of place living in Manhattan and about life growing up in public housing in the South Bronx. And it was here where Olivia told him about her past and how she always wanted to see Paris. This was the place they shared their first kiss. This was the place where together they plotted and dreamed of a life outside of New York City and SVU where they could be just be Olivia and Rafael without barriers and without the demons of their past and their jobs. It was their spot.
After her assault, this balcony was her refuge. She spent many hours out here alone on days when Rafael was at work. She loved looking out across the city and thinking about all the people below. Ever since she was a little girl, Olivia often daydreamed of people she never would meet leading lives very different from hers.
Sometimes she came here to think and collect her thoughts. This morning was one of those days. She hadn't thought about Mrs. Mayer or Vanessa in a long while. She tried very hard to block that part of her ordeal out of her mind but now the memories came rushing back. She suddenly felt sick to her stomach. Olivia gripped the railing tightly and lowered her head. She let out a deep sigh as she felt a single tear run down her cheek.
"Liv?" He called softly to her. She didn't turn around; she was lost in thought. He called to her again "Liv…do you want a blanket? It's kinda chilly."
She turned around and saw Rafael climbing out onto the balcony. "No. I'm not cold, thank you," she whispered. "Can you…can you just stay out here with me for a little bit, please?" She sounded vulnerable and sad.
"Sure can. So what's going on? What did Cragen have to say?" Rafael asked gently.
"He called to tell me about Vanessa Mayer."
"What about her?" Rafael's reaction was similar to Olivia's earlier.
"She's dead. She committed suicide the other day."
"How?"
"Single gunshot wound to the head." Olivia closed her eyes as she let the words she just spoke sink in.
"Damn." Rafael rubbed the back of his neck. For once, he couldn't think of anything else to say. Nothing seemed appropriate. He studied Olivia's face and noticed she was struggling.
"There's more...Mrs. Mayer…she wants me to come visit her today."
"She what? But why?"
It was time to tell Rafael the whole truth about what happened that night at the Mayers' house. "I think I might know…I'm pretty sure she wants to talk about that night." Olivia's voice cracked and she started to cry. "There was more that happened that night than I told you."
Rafael walked over to her and put his hand on her back. "You were there when he attacked them. I know it was horrific."
"No. It was more than just being there," Olivia took a deep breath and closed her eyes before continuing. "He made me watch as he raped Mrs. Mayer." Her stomach lurched.
"Oh God, Liv." Rafael shook his head in shock.
"And if I couldn't keep my eyes open, he cut and burned her." Olivia felt ashamed. This detail of her attack bothered and ate at her more than anything. She was a NYPD officer, she was supposed to protect people, and she failed. She silently prayed Rafael would not pass judgment on her.
"Why didn't you tell me sooner?" His tone was gentle much to Olivia's relief.
"I just couldn't talk about it. It hurt too much."
He wrapped his arms around her, hugging her tight. "That's okay. I understand." After a few moments of silence, Rafael asked, "Are you going to go visit her?"
"She asked me to."
"But do you want to?
"I don't have a choice."
Rafael sighed. He wondered if this was a good idea at this particular moment. She finally seemed to have solid footing and seemed to be moving forward, would this cause a setback? And what does this mean for their trip to the Bahamas, the trip she had been looking forward to for the past two months? He just didn't want her to hurt anymore. "Whatever you think is best," he whispered, "Anything for you."
Long Island, New York
They drove to Mrs. Mayer's house out on Long Island in silence. Olivia wanted to make the trip alone but Rafael insisted on tagging along. Instead of arguing, she caved to his persistence.
As they pulled up to her house, Rafael watched Olivia carefully. She didn't look at him. She was lost in deep thought again as she stared at Mrs. Mayer's front door. The deeper she went the more she rubbed and picked at the scar on her left wrist.
"How long are you going to pick at that scar?" He finally asked.
His voice startled her and caused her to flinch. "Uh? Oh, I didn't realize I was even doing it. I'm sorry."
"Please don't say you're sorry. You have nothing to be sorry for…I am just worried about you. Are you sure you want to do this?" Rafael said as he reached for her hand.
Olivia pulled away and sighed. "I told you, I need to do this."
"For you or for her?"
"Yeah…" Olivia said as she opened the door to the car.
Before Rafael could respond, Olivia slammed the car door and walked towards the house. He let out a heavy sigh. "I'll wait here," he whispered.
As Olivia approached the front door, her heart began to race. In her mind, Olivia knew this was a different house then where she and Mrs. Mayer endured Lewis' onslaught but her mind kept taking her back to that house on that night. She was struggling to breathe and she began to panic. This was a bad idea, she thought to herself. There was still time to turn around and return to the car.
She hesitated for a moment when Mrs. Mayer opened the door. "Detective Benson! Please come in." Mrs. Mayer's voice was gentle and kind. It caught Olivia off guard.
"Mrs. Mayer…I…"
Mrs. Mayer cut Olivia off before she could finish. "I know you are wondering why I asked you to come visit." Mrs. Mayer said softly.
"To be honest, yes."
"Please follow me." Mrs. Mayer led Olivia from the hall into the living room. It was a large room that was painted a soft blue with cherry wood paneling. The furniture looked soft and inviting. Family pictures darted the walls. The room felt warm and comfortable.
Mrs. Mayer reached for a photograph and handed it to Olivia. Immediately she recognized Vanessa with her red hair and her blue eyes. She resembled her mother. The other two were clearly Vanessa's sister and brother. Olivia studied the photograph.
Mrs. Mayer took a deep breath and slowly exhaled. "Those are my children, Detective. My son, Michael, he works for an engineering firm in Albany. He lives there with his beautiful wife and my three grandkids. My daughter Sarah lives in New Mexico, she teaches at the university there. And Vanessa, she was my baby. She was the surprise. After I had Sarah, the doctors told my husband and me that we couldn't have any more children. You can say we were shocked when I got pregnant with Vanessa." Mrs. Mayer chuckled. "The Vanessa you knew, that wasn't her. I want you to know the Vanessa I knew, the daughter I raised and loved. Vanessa, she was a sweet girl who loved horses and musicals. She wanted to be a lawyer so she could help people. She truly thought everyone deserved a fair shot and everyone could be saved. All this changed when she met him. He changed her…destroyed her, broke her spirit. She was my daughter and I love her."
Mrs. Mayer...I am truly…"
"No. Stop! Please don't apologize, just please understand that Vanessa was more than Will...his lawyer." After all this time, she still couldn't say his name.
"This isn't all about your daughter is it?" Olivia studied Mrs. Mayer's face, she could sense Mrs. Mayer wanted to and needed to talk about something else. However, Mrs. Mayer ignored Olivia's words and summoned her to follow her into the kitchen.
She offered Olivia a seat at the kitchen table. "Please, have a seat. Would you like some iced tea? I just made it before you came."
Olivia pulled out a chair and sat down and she kindly took Mrs. Mayer up on her offer. As she took the glass, she watched the older woman closely.
Mrs. Mayer sat down across from Olivia and reached for her hand. "Olivia, I asked you to come see me today because I need to talk to you. Are you okay? I just need to know. What happened that night…what you saw and what happened to me, what happened to you…" Tears began to form in her eyes.
Olivia was not expecting Mrs. Mayer to be concerned about her. Her tone was sincere and genuine. Olivia more expected to be on the receiving end of her anger and rage. "I think I should be the one asking you that question." Olivia frowned. "Are you doing okay?"
"Not as well as I hoped. Even before Vanessa's death, it had been hard. Trying to cope with the loss of my husband and what happened to me was almost too much to bear. My kids were here with me every step of the way."
"I'm glad your kids were there for you. It means a lot to have someone by your side," Olivia said softly.
"How about you? How are you doing?"
Olivia didn't want to talk about her recovery. She hated talking about herself but this wasn't solely about her. She wasn't Lewis' only victim. "I'm…I'm doing okay," Olivia sighed. "It's been really hard. I am lucky that I have someone who has been with me the whole time and has been very understanding."
"That man who you left outside in the car? He's that district attorney isn't he?"
Olivia smiled, "Yeah. That's Rafael."
Mrs. Mayer noticed a subtle change in Olivia's voice. "You love him don't you?"
"How did you know?" Olivia was caught off guard.
"I'm a mother…we catch these things," Mrs. Mayer chuckled slightly.
The two sat in silence for a few moments before Olivia's voice broke through. "Mrs. Mayer…I need to know something…" Olivia's voice was shaky. This was going to be difficult and she wasn't entirely sure she wanted to know the answer but she had to ask. "I need to know if you blame me for what happened."
Mrs. Mayer shook her head. "What? No, dear! I never even considered that. Why do you ask?"
Olivia looked down at the table avoiding Mrs. Mayer's gaze. "I just…I just feel like I failed to protect you. Lewis did all those things because I couldn't do my job."
"Your job? He had you restrained. You were hurt."
"I tried to keep my eyes open, I tried to stay awake. I just couldn't. I'm a police officer and it's my job to protect and help people in trouble. He hurt you because of me," Olivia's voice cracked.
"Oh honey. I never blamed you. I saw how you were in bad shape. I honestly didn't think you were going to make it…I didn't think I was going to make it."
"Me either," Olivia admitted. "When I found out you had survived, I was so relieved. But you were…"
Mrs. Mayer interrupted, "I know. I know." Mrs. Mayer reached for Olivia's hand and they both begin to cry.
Olivia hastily wiped her tears away. "I'm really tired of crying. I have spent so many hours, days, crying and hurting. I'm just so frustrated."
Mrs. Mayer whispered, "Me too."
"Does it ever feel to you that sometime you are running as fast as you can but then you realize you haven't gone anywhere? You are just standing still and you wonder what's the point," Olivia lamented.
Mrs. Mayer nodded, "All the time. I struggle with taking things one day at a time. The nights are always the hardest. On the bad nights, I tell myself if I can make it to sunrise, I know I will be okay. Search for your sunrise, Olivia. You will be okay. We survived the assault; we will survive this."
Three Days Later
Harbour Island, The Bahamas
Rafael rolled over reaching for Olivia when he noticed she was missing. He sat up and saw that the back door was cracked open. He pushed himself off the bed to find her. Since her visit to Mrs. Mayer, Olivia seemed calmer but she had been quiet. She didn't tell him about what they talked about. She only told him that she was glad that she went. He figured if she wanted him to know more, she would tell him when she was ready.
He stepped outside and saw Olivia standing alone on the beach. He made his way towards her as she stood overlooking the ocean. Olivia watched the sun off in the distance as it began to rise from beyond the horizon. She listened to the gentle waves roll in and break on the soft sand. She dug her feet in the cool wet sand. She liked the way it felt between her toes.
Rafael was right; this trip was already shaping up to be better than her last time to the Bahamas.
Rafael came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist. He rested his head on her shoulder as Olivia let out a soft sigh and grabbed his hands. "Hey you," Rafael smiled.
"Hey yourself," Olivia grinned.
"What are you doing down here by yourself?"
"I'm thinking about something Mrs. Mayer said to me."
Rafael hugged her tighter. "Yeah?"
"She told me to search for sunrise each day and things will be okay"
"Was she right?"
"I think so. I can say that I am actually okay and I can honestly say I am happy." She stroked Rafael's forearms.
"Good. You know, I love you," Rafael whispered into Olivia's ear.
"I love you too. Stay with me."
"Of course."
They stood on the beach and watched the sunrise together. Olivia took a deep breath inhaling the sweet salty air. The warmth filled her lungs and as she slowly exhaled, she felt herself let go of all the pain and hurt she had been carrying with her since her attack. For the first time in months, Olivia Benson finally felt whole again.