Psychosis and Fortune Cookies
Summary: Dr McCoy is going crazy. For Jim. Over Captain Jim Kirk. His best friend who is completely oblivious. Response to st xi kink prompt: "It is the most unhappy people who most fear change." -Mignon McLaughlin
Warning: Profanity. Kirk/McCoy pre-slash. Kissing. Sexual references.
Dr McCoy is scared. He is losing touch with reality, having trouble sleeping and eating, problems with organising his thoughts. He is also finding it difficult to associate with people, well okay, he admits that it is more one person but that one person kind of sort of means the world to him. Even if that is precisely the cause of his problems right now. He is also seeing, hearing and feeling things. Clarification, he suspects that the object of his very misguided affections seems to be returning said feelings. According to his vast medical knowledge, these symptoms lead to the diagnosis of psychosis. Or more accurately: being completely head over StarFleet issue boots in love with one Captain James T. Kirk. Bones would pick psychosis any day.
Which leads him to drug of choice. Alcohol. His usual cure-all. He wants to get shitfaced so he doesn't have to think about falling in love again and getting hurt. Except for the fact that his pain-in-the-ass-best-friend-he-is-NOT-in-love-with is bored and leaning in his doorway.
"C'mon. Booooooooooooooooones."
"Alright, alright, Goddammit Jim, just stop your whining. I'm coming." The resulting smile from his Captain is so bright that it throws Bones off for a second. Or two. Bones distracts himself with swearing under his breath. He throws a warning look at his best friend. "But we're getting take out ok? I am not in the mood to be at some noisy restaurant surrounded by your adoring fan girls. I really do not feel like listening to you get prepositioned by Admiral Pike. If he asks you to give him a blowjob again I will seriously cut his dick off. You know I can do it too. I need brain bleach." Bones pretends to shudder but really he did not need to hear that dirty conversation coming from a generally respected superior. He thinks all that respect went down the drain the moment Pike tried his version of sexy talk. Maybe all that time on the Romulan ship fucked with his brain. Possibly literally. You never know about Romulans. Kinky bastards.
"Geez, Bones take a chill pill. It was just that once, okay twice but I was just comforting him." Jim gives his Chief Medical Officer a pleading look that clearly said 'I am so not innocent but it's still not my fault. Honest.'
"Manwhore," Bones says grumpily but with no bite.
Jim smiles as if it is a compliment. "You love me anyway."
Bones rolls his eyes and mutters, "Yeah, right." He can't deny it but no, he does not think Jim's smile is sexy. He's only going crazy.
They ordered takeout at a well-known Chinese place opposite from StarFleet headquarters where The Enterprise was is currently docked for repairs. The streets are quiet at this hour, it's getting late. The two men pass by several nightclubs with loud music as they stroll back towards Bones' quarters.
On the way back they run into a burly guy. Literally. Well to be fair, it wasn't really their fault. The guy deliberately tried to ram his best friend in the shoulder sending him stumbling into Bones. "Aren't you a great couple?"
Bones automatically puts an arm across Jim's chest to hold him back from starting a fight but Jim, surprisingly, doesn't take the bait.
His Captain merely holds onto Bones hand to lower it and he doesn't let go. Jim gives the burly guy a cold glance. "So? Gotta problem, Cupcake?"
The guy snickers and spits on the ground in front of them but he backs off.
McCoy sighs. He's relieved. He didn't know what StarFleet would do if their newest star captain was arrested for brawling in the streets. "Trouble just finds you anywhere." He notices that Jim hasn't let go like it is completely normal for them to hold hands so Bones decides not to say anything. It's not because he likes the feel of Jim's calloused hands in his, warm and reassuring.
They keep walking like that until they hit Bones saw his best friend glance longingly in the direction of The Garden of Venus and his heart breaks a little. Not that hearts can actually break because they are made of muscle but the saying is true, Bones thinks morosely.
"Wanna grab a drink before we head back? Hang out at the club like the good old days?"
Bones remembers the good old days alright. He had a thing for Jim for as long as he could remember but Jim never seemed to notice. Their room had a streaming trail of women – it was like living in a brothel. No, Jim would never have him. He's tried moving on. It didn't work out well but what could he do? McCoy snatches his hand away from his best friend and answers a little more gruffly than usual. "No Jim, can't you keep it in your pants for an hour or two? Why'd you drag me out if you just want to look at some boobies?"
Jim opens his mouth, looking genuinely hurt. He closes his mouth and jams his hands into his pockets without another word. His jaw is set with determination. Bones has seen that look before. The night before he finally beat the Kobayashi Maru test.
McCoy sighs a little more as they are back inside his quarters. Fuck, dinner was going to be awkward now.
Jim offers to get his own. "Go ahead," Bones waves him away. He checks his console for new about the Andorian flu vaccines he ordered. It's flashing and there's a message. But it's from his ex. His day gets better and better.
He pushes the button and his once wife's voice fills the silence. She hadn't even bothered to send a video transmission. Probably hadn't wanted to see his face. "Leonard. You said you could be around this weekend? Don't take this the wrong way but I'd rather you didn't drop by. Look, Joanna's just settled in. She wouldn't call Ashley her Daddy up until last week. Seeing you would just upset her and she's going to be asking for you every night again. Don't make a big deal out of this okay? It's not about you. I just want what's best for her and I think it would be better if you could just give us some space right now. (A sigh). I've got to go now. See you when you're back?"
Bones laughs bitterly at the message. He knew what his ex-wife was doing. She was trying to cut him out of Joanna's life. She'd already taken everything from him, now she didn't want him to see his daughter.
"What a bitch," Jim says with a low whistle, blowing over the top of his beer. He hands one to his friend then settles down onto the old couch. Jim seems to have forgiven him for now.
Bones feels honour bound even now to defend his ex-wife's good name. Except he can't bring himself to. He agrees with the sentiment. Bones expertly twists the top off and takes a swig letting the cool liquid sooth him. He runs his hands through his dark hair and paces back and forth. "Fuck."
"I'm sorry Bones," Jim says sincerely. He picks up the chopsticks and digs in. "Anything I can do?"
"Not really," Bones replies dully. He isn't hungry anymore.
Waving his chopsticks around, Jim has a contemplative look on his face. "You know, I could hack her address for you and then we could both drop in for a surprise visit say at lunch on the weekend." Jim accidentally drops some egg foo on Bones table. "Oops." He picks it up and eats it.
The doctor in Bones grimaces and leans heavily on the wall. "Jesus, Kirk, you don't know what's been there."
Jim gives Bones a suggestive look. "Are you saying that you've done something dirty on or to your table? Kinky."
Bones plays along and pretends to think. "Well there was the time when I tested out fecal matter..."
Jim blanches and chokes on a mouthful of sprouts.
"I'm kidding. But seriously you should be careful."
"Five second rule."
Bones doesn't even bother arguing. Been there, done that.
Jim gestures towards Bones' container of noodles. "Well if you're not going to eat that, I'll help myself." In between mouthfuls of food, Jim manages to say, "So what do you think of my plan?"
Bones skulls down his bottle of beer and goes to drag the whole pack into the room. "Save it, Jim. I don't want to make trouble. I can wait."
"For over a year?" Jim quips.
Damn, Jim had to go for the jugular. "I have to." It's not like he would leave Jim. No, that's not even an option.
"No you don't."
"It's not that easy."
"It's not that hard." Jim has that look in his eyes like he's welcoming the challenge and all Bones has to do is say yes.
"Just drop it," Bones says with a tone of finality but even to his own ears, he knows he sounds more than a bit desperate. He can't stand to have Jim here in his room, giving him hope. He doesn't want to have everything fall down on him like a house of cards.
"So," Jim drawls, putting down the container to reach for a fortune cookie. "Let's get drunk?" He cracks the cookie with his teeth and barely glances at the slip of paper before stuffing it in his pocket.
This, Bones can agree on. "Yep."
So they both decide to get wasted, moving onto the stronger stuff, both migrating to the couch. They're doing shots while sitting side by side on the battered couch, talking about unimportant things. Life on the ship. Getting the flu shots. StarFleet uniforms. Klingons.
It's when Bones feels pleasantly buzzed that Jim moves onto something important. Bones knew Jim well enough that he is actually a chatty drunk when you caught him at the right time. Captain James T. Kirk under the influence is the same as giving him a truth potion. Most of the time when Jim talks about his feelings, he is drunk. Like after Jim failed the Kobayashi Maru test. It had meant a lot more to him than a test. It was after hearing Jim out between watching his best friend get pissed and holding the future captain's head as he puked his guts out that Bones decided to help him.
Speaking of which, the young, blond-haired Captain is leaning on his shoulder. Bones knows he's definitely not sober. He feels hyperaware of Jim's presence. He can hear Jim's every breath. He can almost imagine his heart beating beneath a muscled chest. The steady thump-thump that he has heard before. If he closed his eyes, he could even imagine- Damn. This is not good.
The Captain seems totally oblivious. He is steadily burrowing his way into his best friend's neck.
"Jim," Bones growls. He doesn't want the moment to end but his best friend is also one of the planet, scratch that, the universe's biggest teases. He is sure that he won't be able to control himself and then they'd land in an embarrassing situation.
"Gaila died," Jim says suddenly.
Bones' thought fly out of the gutter. "I know," he says sombrely. He wonders if Jim really had a thing for the Orion. He had been with her longer than any other girl.
"I mean I was thinking, I can't even remember the last thing I said to her. One day we're cadets and we're just talking and laughing you know? And then, the shit hits the fan and she's just...gone. " Jim is aware he's rambling but he has to keep going. "I didn't think...I thought we'd all be safe. I don't know. It doesn't make sense but I just didn't think I'd lose anyone I'd know at least. That it wouldn't be so...personal. I don't want it to be like that, Bones."
Jim sounds so fucking miserable and Bones doesn't know what to do except pour him another shot. He puts his arm around his Captain, trying to find the perfect words. "You can't save everyone," Bones says wearily. It's similar to what he told him a long time ago but Jim had refused. He didn't believe in no-win scenarios. Except there is no way to cheat death. Bones, mercifully, doesn't say this. He lets Jim have his moment.
"No, you don't understand." Jim gulps down another shot with a noisy slurp. He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand.
When Bones takes a good look at his Captain, he looks more vulnerable than he has in years. He is biting hard on his lip, nose and eyes slightly red-rimmed as if he is struggling to hold back tears. "I...I don't want it to be like that for us."
Bones exhales loudly. Shit. He doesn't know how to deal with this. "Goddammit Jim, I'm a doctor not a miracle worker." He couldn't promise the world to Jim. Even if he wanted to. Right now, he would give everything he had AND his bones if it meant Jim didn't have to be so unhappy. Bones knew how much his best friend prided himself on being able to be the good guy. The one who could do the impossible. He knew it was because Jim had to. He didn't have an easy life. He always had to be extraordinary. Bones softens his tone when he feels Jim tremble next to him and bury his face in his shirt. "But I'll do everything I can to keep you alive alright?" Bones shifts to pull Jim in his lap. "Are you sniffing me?" he says incredulously.
Jim mumbles a response.
"You better not puke on me," Bones warns but he's slightly pleased. Though he thinks he might be going crazy again.
Jim mumbles again, his words vibrating against Bones' stomach. It's a little intimate and Bones tries not to get turned on.
"No regrets," Jim says more clearly.
"No regrets," Bones echoes in contentment. Jim is melting happily against him and he finds that he doesn't mind being treated like furniture. It feels surprisingly good. Right even. It is then Bones suspects that Jim is the cause but also the cure. It would be so like him to be that exceptional. Some kind of weird autoimmune disease. Bones snorts at the thought.
Slowly, Jim sits up without untangling himself from his Medical Officer. "You know it is the most unhappy people who most fear change. I think what we need is some change."
McCoy looks at his best friend in the eyes and tries not to say what he's thinking ie that Jim has gone off his nuts. No. Don't think about Jim's nuts, Bones berates himself. He forces himself to say something. "Right. That's pretty deep."
Just as McCoy thinks he should pour himself another drink to top the night off, Jim grabs him clumsily by the face and kisses him. Bones mouth opens in shock and Jim's tongue is darting in. Jim's hands cradle his head and he's deepening the kiss. Bones can taste liquor and Chinese food and oh god it's Jim. His Captain.
Finally, Jim breaks off the kiss and pulls out a slip of paper from his cookie. There's a shit-eating grin on his face though his eyes betray him. Bones can tell he's a little scared and a little excited too. "Want to know your lucky numbers as well?" Jim says slightly breathlessly.
Bones blinks. What the fuck? "Why did you kiss me?" Bones is careful to sound curious and not angry. Certainly not like he wants Jim to kiss him again.
"I thought it was time for a change," Jim says innocently but his hand is trailing up his Medical Officer's leg in a manner that is definitely not innocent.
What the fuck, Bones thinks. My Captain is crazy. I'm going crazy. Jim's breathing in his ear and saying all sort of dirty things. So Bones stops thinking and just lets himself go. With Kirk beside him, like this, he thinks he's gonna be okay.
All criticism welcome.