Title: Intertwined
Summary: Red had never expected herself to fall in love with a child that was not biologically hers. She'd been a mother figure to many, and hadn't anticipated having her heart completely stolen. No way could she have predicted that their hearts would have merged into one.
Disclaimer: I do not own OITNB or any of its characters. They belong to Jenji Kohen, I do however own my writing, please don't steal- Johanna002©
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It was love at first sight.
Well, maybe that was exaggerating things a bit. It was an instant attraction; an unexplainable force which had compelled the two of them together.
It hadn't always been easy, their relationship, but looking back on it now, every hardship and obstacle had definitely been worth it.
Before Nicky Nichols, Red had never really seen herself as a "girl-mom". She'd raised three very active, vivacious sons and when she had become incarcerated she had sort of become a den-mother to many of the other women, but she had never truly felt like their mother, not in the same manner that she had been to her own children.
It wasn't alarming, or suspicious. She didn't think anything of it really, assuming that it was normal. It wasn't out of the ordinary to value your own child above any other beings in the world. That was after all, how a mother was supposed to feel.
When Nicky Nichols had arrived at Litchfield, Red had taken her under her wing almost immediately. She hadn't thought much of it- how much of an impact her presence would have on the young woman. Nursing Nicky through a painful and grueling detox had been quite taxing, but it had also been extremely rewarding.
There was something about vulnerability that made a person's walls crumble and disintegrate into ash. That night in the bathroom, after Nicky had finally gotten a hold of her emotions, Red had realized that the girl had worked herself into a state of sheer exhaustion.
Without much thought, Red could remember how she had helped the new inmate to her own bunk and tucked her in tightly. No doubt she'd be in pain all through the night, if not the rest of the week, in her mind Red had rationally told herself "it's the least I can do".
She had been attentive and understanding; strict even. Nicky acknowledged that this kindness was not to be taken lightly. She had been offered a spot into the family, with one simple stipulation: She was never to use again. It was imperative that she understood this.
It didn't take much convincing for Nicky to make her decision. Giving up heroin would be a challenge, she wasn't oblivious or in denial to the fact. However, she had sensed something different- something promising- It was a gut feeling, and it strongly compelled her to listen. She had had no way of knowing, that there would be so much more to gain from their union, than what heroin could ever offer her.
Red's utter devotion and attentiveness had been the perfect concoction to open Nicky's eyes to a sober life style. Every once in a while, the Russian would be forced to gift her with a special whack to the head or a sharp lecture, but soon they had established common ground and were able to communicate seamlessly with one another.
It wasn't yet obvious to Red, just how much Nicky valued her presence in her life. She hadn't realized that before her, the girl had never had anyone on her team.
The first time Nicky had referred to her as her mother, it had been her birthday. She hadn't been expecting anything, but Nicky had somehow managed to pull off a small celebration. No one had ever done anything like that for her, and to say she was surprised would be an understatement.
"Don't worry about it, Ma," Nicky told her shrugging off her concern. "Just enjoy your day, would you?"
Red hadn't commented on the fact that Nicky had called her "Ma". She hadn't yet been able to determine the difference between it being a slip of the tongue, or a term of endearment. Surly she hadn't actually called her that in reference to being a mother?
However, that evening, Red had plucked up the courage to ask. Normally she didn't dwell on such things. It wasn't necessarily that Nicky had called her Ma, it was more the way she had said it. She had sounded so sure of herself, and it had rolled off her tongue so comfortably.
"Oh," Nicky fidget nervously. "Uhm, I hadn't realized I had called you that." A blush rose to Nicky's cheeks and Red regretted even asking. She hadn't meant to embarrass her. "Does- can I not-"
Red stopped her, "No, Nicky. I don't mind, I was just-"
Nodding, Nicky struggled with herself internally. "My mom wasn't the best, Red." She fumbled over her words, she felt as if she had to explain herself. "I don't know really what it's like to have a mom, but um," She nervously tucked a piece of hair behind her ear, "I think you do a pretty good job."
The moment had been an incredibly heavy one. It was a conversation that had stayed with Red for days. In all of the right words, in her own unique way, Nicky had made her position quite clear. As she replayed the conversation over and over again in her mind, Red couldn't help but feel as if she were being tested.
A feeling of unease settled it's self in the pit of her stomach and it had taken her weeks to finally mull it all over. With a new found sense of clarity, it was plainly obvious that Red's feelings for Nicky ran just as deep. She hadn't noticed before how much more protective of her she was, or how much more strict with her she could be; she had never thought about it before.
But as their relationship further progressed, Red also began to realize she feared their connection. Not because she didn't want it, quite the opposite, she had come to crave their time together; it was addictive.
No, she didn't fear their connection; she feared reality.
Irrationally, though she knew nothing about Nicky's biological mother she couldn't help but continuously compare herself to her. In the same way she had never acknowledged another as her child, she subconsciously feared, that one day Nicky would not acknowledge her as her mother.
She had felt like Nicky's mother, had felt a bond with her she had only ever felt with her sons, but still the fear was there. It wasn't until one day in particular when Nicky had smiled at her. She had been in line to collect her dinner tray when she had spotted Red. She smiled softly at her and lifted her head up in acknowledgement.
In an instant, Red had known that the relationship they had was real.
In that smile lay something different, something whole and unique. It had been gifted upon her with the most pure intentions. It was directed at her, for her, not her birthmother, but for her. One mere glimpse at the smile, and everything seemed to be instantly solidified-validated. There was no doubt about it, she was Nicky's mother.
Weeks had passed since she had realized the magnitude of their connection. Still though, she had a hard time admitting out loud, or to herself for that matter, that she loved Nicky.
I love you wasn't a phrase she spoke lightly. She had never said the words without truly meaning them. If she allowed herself to feel that way about Nicky, then it would all be over. She would be forever committed to her, and the realization was scary, because deep down she feared losing her.
Once they had served their time there would be nothing keeping them together. Red knew that if she lost Nicky, she'd lose a piece of herself. While they both still had quite a bit of time on their sentences, it did nothing to calm her growing anxiety.
It would be more time together, more memories and laughter; she couldn't tell if that made her feel better or worse. The thought of losing that all was not something she was prepared for. So, if she could deny it a little longer, and pretend that she didn't love Nicky, then her heart would be safe.
That plan had lasted all of two weeks when Red had come down with a severe stomach virus that had knocked her off her feet.
Nicky delicately blotted Red's face with the damp wash cloth, and brushed her hair back off of her forehead. "You should have gone to medical."
"I'll be okay," Red had told her sleepily. If the cool rag hadn't felt so good against her skin she would have chastised Nicky for treating like an incompetent child. "You though, you should get to work."
Nicky rolled her eyes. "Will you stop trying to send me away?" She knew Red hated being fussed over, but she couldn't help but to be concerned. Besides, she wanted to be here.
"I just don't want you to get in trouble."
"I'm a grown woman, Ma." She said warningly. "Don't worry about me, okay? Just let me take care of you for once." She stood up from where she had been squatting by her mother's bed.
Red couldn't help but chuckle. She was far from being a grown woman, in fact most days she wondered if Nicky possessed even half the maturity of a four year old. "I don't want you to get sick." Truthfully, she enjoyed the loving attention Nicky was paying to her, but that didn't mean she wanted her to put her own health at risk.
Nicky moved to a sitting position on the edge of the bed. "I don't believe in getting sick." Her fingers moved to play with the ends of Red's hair. "You should stop using that box shit, Ma. Just go natural. The color never lasts long anyway."
Fighting the urge to roll her eyes, she simply closed them. She hummed at the soothing sensation of Nicky's fingers blindly tracing the lines in her palm.
She opened one eye and smiled. Nicky seemed to be intently studying the hand she held. She held her own hand next to hers and compared their size, and then their skin tone. She fingered the chipped red nail polish, and her thumb traced different shapes against the inside of Red's wrist.
There hadn't been a sight more beautiful and innocent, and then Nicky had smiled, completely unaware that she was being watched.
"You're a good girl, Nicky," Red whispered, Nicky's innocent ministrations lulling her to sleep.
Nicky's ears perked and she couldn't help but grin. She leaned over and kissed Red's cheek gently. "I'm going to let you sleep," She whispered. "I love you, Ma."
Making her way out of the cube, she had almost missed Red's soft confession. "Love you too, Nicky." It was a soft and natural as it left her lips. As if she had practiced saying it over and over again in a mirror.
It wasn't just three words. It was a promise to one another of pure and innocent devotion.