Facing His Fears
Author's note: I was rewatching the episodes of Supergirl and suddenly got inspiration for Winn. I know I said before that I wanted to write mainly from Alex's or Maxwell's point of view – but hey, guess what, inspiration doesn't really listen to me :P Hope you guys and girls like it. I'd love to hear from you! :)
"My son. My good boy. My greatest work."
Winn kept replaying that scene in his head. The scene in which he met up with the man who fathered him, who he hadn't seen for over more than a decade, who had just escaped prison. Those facts alone were more than enough to confuse him.
He didn't need any more confusion.
His father's voice... It had been long since he'd last heard it, so long that he thought he had forgotten what it sounded like. Just hearing it, though, triggered memories of happier times. Of them working on one of his dad's new projects or trying out one of his dad's finished toys.
Before his old man snapped and killed six people. Before he became Toyman.
"We're the same, you and I. We're linked."
Anger surged in the pit of his stomach. Winn's mind apparently felt the need to constantly remind him of thát sentence. Of the face of a man who seemed to truly believe what he was saying – that his son and he were the same.
No! He did not want that. Never!
But...
What if he didn't have a choice?
His dad's genes felt like ticking time bombs, just waiting to go off inside of him. Winn stared at his fists, strained from his grip on the sink. He wanted nothing more than to scream. To scream at this... this unfairness. But he was afraid of what he would do if he gave in to his rage.
"You are not going to turn into your father."
That was what Kara had said when he was having a mental breakdown. Winn also remembered that he had tried to kiss her. Oh man.
With trembling hands, he tried to rub the horrors of the day from his face. If only he really could just forget all this. Forget that he was the son of a killer. Forget that he was in love with his best friend.
Or maybe he shouldn't be trying so hard to forget it?
Shocked at his revelation, he suddenly stopped moving his hands and peered at his reflection in the mirror. Winn recognized the emotion in his green orbs. It was fear that was staring back at him. Fear of losing it all.
Maybe the only answer to not becoming his dad, was to deal with his fears. He would not turn into this embittered person that once was his father. He would make sure of it.
The obstructed feeling in his chest slowly subsided.
It was hís decision. He would decide who he'd turn out to be. And he did not want to become like his father. He never would.
Because Winn would be brave enough to face his fears.
Including telling Kara the truth.
And there she was, standing by his desk as if nothing had happened. Pretending he hadn't kissed her. The tension, however, was tangible.
"Hey," she said with an slightly awkward giggle. "You want in on this Thai food order? There's, uh, potstickers, peanut noodles..."
Winn shot a sideways glance at her and interrupted her when it became unbearable. Normally, her ramblings were cute, but now... Now they reminded him of what he could never have. "No, I'm not hungry, I got a lot of work to do."
When he heard himself saying that, in the most monotone way possible, he mentally slapped himself in the face. Seriously? What happened to facing his fears and telling her the truth?
"You're playing video games," Kara pointed at his computer screen.
He could tell she was not trying to sound offensive. Still he felt a flare of pain stabbing him in his chest. Why couldn't she see him as more than a friend? He paused the video game and mustered up enough courage to look her in the eyes.
"Your dad is back in prison, we can go back to our normal, Toyman-free lives."
He barely heard her, because of a mental battle going on inside himself. Okay, come on. She can't help it. It's not her fault. And you, you should face your fears. Just like you said you would. Just do it already. Like now.
"I shouldn't have kissed you," he said quickly, before his courage ran out. The words tumbled out of his mouth. "Kara, I'm really sorry."
"It's fine, it doesn't matter."
"Of course it matters. My dad kept his feelings bottled up for years. And then, he exploded." Winn's eyebrows inched up a bit. "Because he was a coward. Like me." He saw Kara shaking her head, but forced himself to continue. "Look, I know I dropped his huge bomb on our friendship when I kissed you and I should have told you how I felt a long time ago. But I was too scared to say anything. I was too scared to stand up for myself. Kara, I am going to tell you the truth now," Winn waited until he had her full attention, "I'm in love with you. I have been in love with you for a long time. Since before you were Supergirl."
"Winn... I don't want things to change."
His mouth corners slightly tilted upwards in a sad smile. For less than a second – and then it was gone. "Before this thing with my dad, I probably would have gone along with that. God, I just would have pretended that kiss never happened. But I don't know if I can sit and smile and eat potstickers," Winn had a sour taste in his mouth, "and pretend like it is not killing me. Kara, I cannot keep bottling things up, I am too afraid of what could happen."
"So, what does this mean for us?"
"I don't know."
His voice had been barely a whisper, but it was all he could do to prevent it from breaking. To prevent it from showing Kara his pain. Winn did not trust himself not to break down if he had to utter another word. So, with a sigh and a sniff, he turned back to his computer screen and waited until Kara left. He had known beforehand that Kara wouldn't return his feelings. Deep down he had always known. It still hurt like hell.
Man, he was such an idiot.
But at least he was his own idiot.