Title: The Return of Yappy Obi
Summary: Finally a new Yappy Obi story! Obi-Wan returns to his master after a short time away.
"Hi Master, I'm back!"
"Where have you been?"
"Out and about. Felt like I was gone forever. Did you miss me?"
"You were gone for two hours."
"Felt more like two years. I missed talking to you, Master. How have you been? Did you take another apprentice while I was gone?"
"Two hours, Obi-Wan."
"I guess not. That means you do love me after all."
"Did you need something, Obi-Wan?"
"Yes. I need help, Master. I'm confused."
"That is not news."
"I know, but I'm still confused."
"What is the problem?"
"It's Lima."
"Who?"
"Lima. Please don't tell me that you forgot who Lima is."
"Well, oh, wait. He's that actor you like. The one that makes Master Bren drool."
"That's the one. Only the greatest actor in the history of acting. Not to mention he looks a lot like you without all that mountain man excess hair you've got going on."
"Please leave my hair out of wherever this conversation is going."
"Okay, but you really should contain that thing on your head. It's beginning to take on a life of its own."
"You were saying that you were confused about something?"
"Yes. Lima. During my two years gone, I have come to the conclusion that his recent movies confuse me."
"Two hours. And why?"
"Because he's gone all action star. All that, 'If I find you, I will kill you' stuff. Shooting people, getting taken hostage, letting his family get taken hostage. I mean, if my daughter was taken hostage that many times, I'd lock her up in a dungeon somewhere so no one could take her ever again. He lets people get eaten by wolves, shoots them on public transports. Let's face it, you get near him, you die. How is that a good thing? He's getting old, Master. Like you."
"I am not old, Obi-Wan."
"I'm not sure why he thinks that action star is the way to go. Those holo-vids, they lack something. Where is the caring? The comfort? The mush?"
"So, you're upset with him because he doesn't hug people before he kills them?"
"Well, no. I mean, some of those guys are awful. Even I wouldn't hug them, but he used to be such a nice guy. Now he's just mean and nasty and kicking ass all the time."
"Kicking what?"
"Oh, sorry. Kicking butts all the time."
"Obi-Wan, your hero is an actor. That is his job, to act that way. I'm sure he is still the same person that you met that one time."
"No. He's different now. I can see it in his eyes. He's angry. I blame his lack of mush."
"You do know the characters he plays are not real."
"Of course I know that."
"That his daughter didn't really get kidnapped eight times and his friends were not eaten by wolves."
"I know that."
"Did you see his new holo-vid?"
"Non-Stop Troll?"
"Whatever it's called. Is it just me, or does he have a lot of vids with the word troll in the title?"
"He does."
"And that doesn't concern you?"
"It does, but I've gotten over my troll fears, Master. I can deal."
"Right. Trolls are okay, but a movie without hugs is not."
"Trolls are not okay, Master."
"But you just said…"
"I said I've gotten over my fear, but they are not okay. That's just wrong to say that. And nasty. Trolls are creepy and slimy and small and have big ears and talk backwards and are all wrinkly. They are wrong."
"Did Lima hurt trolls in his holo-vid?"
"Kicked them back to their swampy home land!"
"That should have made you happy."
"It did, but it only satisfies my troll issues. I have much bigger fish to fry once you get me past trolls."
"Not sure what fish have to do with any of this, but okay. So, if he were to just add in a hug at the end of the holo-vid, you'd be okay?"
"Only one hug?"
"I'm certain he can't go around hugging people all movie long. Apparently he's busy beating them up and shooting them."
"He is, but he could hug them before he shoots them."
"The same people that kidnap his daughter over and over again?"
"Well, he could at least ask if they wanted a hug. I miss him, Master."
"You should just watch some of his older holo-vids then."
"I do. All the time. What do you think Master Bren and I do every other evening?"
"Is that why she keeps turning me down for dinner?"
"Dinner? Is that what you call it these days, Master?"
"What?"
"Dinner."
"Yes, it's called dinner."
"That's nasty."
"Why is dinner nasty?"
"Because it's not really dinner."
"What?"
"You know. Dinner. It's not really dinner, is it?"
"What the hell is wrong with you?"
"Master, follow along. I know your code words. All of them. And dinner is code for…you know."
"Eating?"
"No."
"Obi-Wan…"
"I know you don't eat at dinner. You eat at supper. I know what you do at dinner time."
"Please don't make me punch you in the face."
"Then you'd miss supper and dinner and Master Bren would be upset. Not to mention my stomach too."
"What happened in the two hours you were gone this afternoon? We're you brainwashed by Master Gena's voodoo training again?"
"Two years. And she's creepy, Master. I mean like off her rocker, creepy. She has a tiny little doll of you stuck with needles. It's missing the beard though and the nose is different, but it's definitely you and each time I talk to her, she starts stabbing it in the chest with more needles and chanting 'Make it stop talking! Make it stop talking!' I should stay away from her, huh?"
"You should, and grab that little doll from her next time, I do feel a series of sharp tingles in my chest every so often, but please don't stray from the point of what we were talking about."
"Lima."
"No."
"Holos?"
"No."
"Mush?"
"NO, damn it! Dinner. Dinner. We were talking about dinner."
"I hope I never have to think about dinner ever again. You two are disgusting."
"What two? Who two? What is disgusting?"
"What is a who two?"
"What?"
"Exactly."
"Obi-Wan, please stop and just tell me, what are you saying?"
"Dinner, Master. Dinner is your code word for…that. You and…that. You know. I don't want to say it, because it's nasty. You and Master Bren…you know…drooling and…blech! Nasty."
"I don't drool when I eat."
"You do when you have dinner with Master Bren."
"I don't often have dinner with Bren."
"Thank the Force! Are you splitting up then?"
"Splitting what up?"
"Splitting up with her. No longer a thing. A couple. An item. No more nasty dinner dates."
"You are an idiot. And…oh okay. Dinner. I get it now."
"Damn, finally!"
"Obi-Wan."
"Sorry. So, no more dinner, right?"
"Obi-Wan, if Bren and I wish to get together and enjoy each other's company once in a while that is my business, not yours. And it's not called dinner, it's called…"
"NO! NO! NO! Don't say it. If you start talking about adult mush, I am gonna hurl. And I haven't even had supper yet. Please spare me."
"Will you shut up then?"
"Can we go back to talking about Lima? Do you think if I sent him a data-pad message about my concerns, he'd start hugging again?"
"No."
"Thank you for the encouragement, Master. I think I'll send him one anyway. He gave me his code that time I talked to him."
"It's not his real data code, Padawan."
"It is too."
"It is not."
"Is too."
"Is not."
"Is too."
"Is…STOP IT! Enough! I am the master here, remember? Don't argue with me, damn it. Obey me. Do as I tell you."
"Yes, Master. Tell me what to do about the Lima thing."
"I can't do that."
"Why not?"
"Because I don't know what to do about it."
"But you are my master. You know all. I have to obey you. Tell me what to do."
"You test me, Obi-Wan. You do. Okay, fine. Yes, send him a data-pad message, but don't blame me when you find out it's not his real code."
"I won't. I'll blame him, but then I'll be sad and I'll need a hug. Will you hug me, Master?"
"Do I ever?"
"On rare occasions and when I'm dying. Or that one time when I got beat up by that Senator's daughter. She was mean and I was small. She kicked my tail into next week."
"She did. It was impressive."
"Master!"
"Okay, go to your room and figure out what you are going to say to Lima. I need to go see Bren."
"You are the nastiest human being on any planet in any galaxy ever. You do know that, right?"
"I aim to please, Padawan. Don't wait up. You are on your own for supper. I'm off to dinner."
"Maybe I should leave again for another two years. You'd be sorry then."
"Two hours."
"Whatever! Don't forget you have to make me breakfast tomorrow morning. You better come home tonight."
"Goodnight, my young Padawan."
"Master! Master! You… Oh, forget it. I have better things to do anyway. Lima, you and I need to have a serious talk!
The end