Title: Painful Clarity
Author: Emily Jade
Category: Vignette, MSR,
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Oh here we go again. We all know by now that these characters are not mine. They were created by this surfer guy named Chris Carter and they belong to no one but each other. I'm just borrowing them for awhile to fill these lazy hazy days of summer. . .
Spoilers: All things (yes another of those fanfics. . .) Goes through to Requiem ::hears groans from audience:: Hey! It's only one part!
Author's Note: I know I'm a little late in jumping on the post All things fanfiction, sorry! I never intended to write an All things post ep, but I started thinking (::hears yet more groans coming from readers::) Oh quiet you! Anyway, I was thinking about how all the pose ep fanfiction for this particular episode seems to deal with the night between the end scene and the teaser. (and lets not mention the rating many of these stories have. . . ::grins::) I decided to write a fanfic that deals with the time after they slept together (now come on! We practically have proof that they slept together that night, with Requiem having come and gone, we all know what really happened that night!) Anyway, think of this as one of those 'morning after' fics if you will. . .
Painful Clarity
Scully's pov
I walk stiffly through the door of the small cafe my mother picked for breakfast. My muscles are still screaming at me from my somewhat 'strenuous' activities last night. I can feel a small smile flit across my lips as I remove my jacket and sling it over the back of my chair as I sit down and wait for my mother to arrive. Ironic isn't it? I walked out on a very enticing, very naked Mulder this morning so I wouldn't be late for my weekly breakfast with my mother, only to find out that she is running late.
I lean back in my chair and order a cup of tea from the waiter as I consider the previous night. I had fallen asleep on Mulder's couch sometime during our talk. I had awoken around three in the morning and headed into the kitchen for something to drink. When I spotted Mulder's bedroom door hanging ajar I had thought nothing of it. . . that is until I heard noises from within.
Naturally concerned that he had been having another nightmare I had headed in and knelt beside his bed, his noises had quieted but I found that I couldn't drag my eyes away from his sleeping face. Mulder really is beautiful, I realized that a long time ago, not just in the physical sense but in every aspect. I had been attracted to him for a long time, I had always known that, I think that maybe he knows it too.
I'm not sure when I finally admitted to myself that I was in love with him.
All I know is that last night, as I knelt beside his bed, watching him sleep, I realized something even more important.
There is no way I can live without him.
That's when I had heard his sleep roughened voice call out to me, have I mentioned how incredibly sexy his voice is at any time? Even when we're arguing sometimes he wins just because of the things he does to me with that voice.
It was then that I realized that he did not know I was there, he was dreaming.
Dreaming.
About me.
Whoo-boy. . .
It was then that I dared to cross that boundary, when I allowed the invisible line we had drawn in the sand to become blurred. Just by a simple touch, innocent really. I reached out and ran my fingers through his hair.
When he had opened his eyes, I smiled gently at him. He asked me if anything was wrong, I had just shaken my head and pulled him close to me.
"Everything is fine Mulder, I'm with you. This is where I belong. . ."
Those were the words that I remember whispering to him last night. Last night fate had brought us together, it was destiny, something Mulder said just before I had fallen asleep stuck in my mind.
"Our choices would then lead to this very moment. One wrong turn and we wouldn't be sitting here together. . . Well that says a lot, that says a lot, a lot, a lot. . ."
He was right, our paths had finally converged, destiny had brought us together eight years ago, and many times afterwards, like last night.
Mulder and I made love last night.
It seems so odd to say it in my head. So unreal, like it is still a dream that I have been longing for after all these years.
"Mulder and I made love last night. . ." I murmur to my cup of tea that is clasped tightly in my hands.
"Well it's about time," a familiar voice comes from beside me. I glance up in shock, dropping my mug with a thud to the formica table top. Hot liquid splashes my arm but I pay it no heed as I gape at my mother who has just settled down across from me.
"Mom! How long were you standing there?"
My mother regards me with a small smile and a shake of her dark hair. "Not long, but long enough apparently. So, is that why you look so tired?"
I wonder if my mouth is still open and I can feel my cheeks heating already. "Mother!" I hiss, glancing around suddenly, half expecting to see Skinner in the doorway, prepared to ream me out, or Cancerman, ready to pounce.
Fortunately there is no one.
I only have my mother to deal with.
I wonder faintly if she is worse than Cancerman. . . I shake my head at my mother with a wry smile as she sits back with a knowing one.
"Oh Dana, don't be so uptight, I would have figured it out eventually anyway," she chuckles softly and glances around. "So," she meets my eyes again, a more concerned expression in them now. "Where is Fox?"
I ease my tea cup away from me slowly and wipe up what I spilled with a napkin, avoiding her prying eyes. "Mulder is at his home, asleep."
I can practically hear her eyebrows furrowing. "And why aren't you with him, Dana? You look exhausted."
I can feel the blush start to creep up my cheeks again as I wring the napkin nervously. I glance back up at her and sigh. "I'm not sure actually, I just left."
Her disapproval radiates from her and frowns. "Why did you leave? Fox will be worried. . ." she watches me cautiously.
"He loves you, you know."
I sigh, a heavy sigh that has been building up in me ever since I left his apartment. "I know. . ." my voice is a contrite whisper and it fills the space between us with regret. My regret, of what, I am still not sure.
"Do you love him?"
I stare at her, amazed that my observant mother could ask such a question. "Of course I do, it's just complicated Mom. . ."
She reaches across the distance between us and takes my hand in hers. For a moment I feel as though I am sixteen again, and lost my first boyfriend.
"I know it is honey, it always has been with you and Fox. . . But the point is, this doesn't have to be. You love each other, that's all that matters. . ."
Her words haunt me all the way back to my apartment.
I am leaning against the door now, my hand clutching my cell phone as I dread to make the call that I know I will have to. Ever since I left the cafe my head has been filled with sudden doubts and irrational fears. What if he regrets it? What if he thinks I don't love him? What if. . . What if. . .
That is when I hear the footsteps outside the door.
~ ~ ~ ~
Mulder pov
I stood before her door in silence, my hand on the knob as I debated whether or not to knock or let myself in. Would she be angry with me if I did let myself in? I fingered the key that I held in my other hand thoughtfully. Under any other circumstance Scully would never mind. But so much was different now, these waters were uncertain and I wasn't sure if I was prepared to tread them, not after last night. . .
Last night. Images, memories, flashed through my eidetic memory with painful clarity. I had laughed with my partner, talked, I mean really talked with her for the first time in a long time. When she had fallen asleep, leaning into me as if it was the most natural place in the world for her to be, I hadn't had the heart to wake her. So I had moved to my bedroom, leaving her sleeping on my couch.
I had never expected my conservative, closed up partner to come kneel by my bedside at three in the morning. I know she had thought I was asleep, and I almost was, until she had run her fingers through my hair.
When I opened my eyes, I hadn't dared to move, to breathe. She had just smiled at me slightly, we both knew that the time had finally come for us. We had danced around our feelings for seven years, and it had all led to that night, last night, when Scully had finally let her guard down and bared her soul to me.
Some people regard sex as just that, sex. I had never known what it was like to 'make love' until the previous night. Scully and I are so different than everyone else. We are so distanced from everyone, including each other, yet at the same time we are more intimate than most lovers. We made love in many different ways throughout the years. With our words, with each and every little touch. It was like making love to Scully, it made us complete, just because we were with each other.
We had started this path together a long time ago. It had veered off from our path of pursuit of the truth and justice. We had started down our own path of friendship. I still don't know what started it. Maybe it was in that hotel room, when she stood before me, clad only in underwear. She had been shaking as she threw herself in my arms, and I had marveled at the remarkable woman before me. She could stand, nearly naked, before me without flinching, without a second thought. Then she had sat down on my bed and trusted that I would not take advantage of her.
Sometimes Scully's blind faith in me makes me want to cry. I had seen that she trusted me, even back then, when I had done nothing but mock her beliefs and denounce her words. I had felt compelled to tell her about Samantha, a story that I did not tell people willingly, not unless I felt that they deserved to know. It was too painfull to recount, and the pity in the eyes of those who heard my tale ripped into me as much as the memories did.
It was the sadness in her eyes that made me regard her differently, Scully had been sad that I had lost my sister, sad that Samantha had her life taken away so young. But she had never openly pitied me. I had always been grateful for that, and I think that maybe that is when I started to fall in love with her. Perhaps it was even when we started down the road we were destined to travel. We had gone from colleagues to partners, to the best of friends. And something so much more, now we were lovers.
As she had drifted to sleep in my arms last night, or early this morning, I had held her close and whispered all of this to her. I have no way of knowing whether or not she heard me. I had never suspected that Scully would leave me at the crack of dawn, just when I had fallen asleep.
I had awoken alone, the only evidence that she had been there at all was the rumpled bedsheets and my memories of our beautiful experience. I had searched the apartment for a note, or a sign of where she might have gone, any clue as to why she had left me.
Then it had hit me. Scully had left me. She had run away from me, but why? Had she been frightened of the 'morning after' effects? Did she think I didn't love her? No, that one was ridiculous, she had to know how much I loved her. I had told her so last night, and in a thousand non verbal ways throughout the years. So it couldn't be that. . . Had she been scared that I would regret it all?
Did she regret it all?
The question hit me like a ton of bricks. Could it be that Scully didn't love me the way I love her? Could it be that she didn't want me that way? Was she regretting it all?
I drew slowly away from her door, my hand flying away from the handle as if it had turned into a snake. I backed up several steps and stared again at her door, silently willing for her to come out and talk to me, reassure me that everything would be okay. I wanted her to kiss me and tell me that she loved me too, I wanted some inane excuse that would explain why she would leave me without so much as a word. I wanted anything so long as she didn't regret it, so long as she knew. . .
I turn away from the door, biting back angry tears. I couldn't confront her now, not while we were both so vulnerable. I shake my head angrily and start down the hall.
I'm halfway to the elevator before I turn around. I don't know why I do it, something compells me. I look up slowly to meet her cool azure eyes, that seem to be brimming with tears.
I move slowly back down the hallway towards her, never breaking from her gaze. She is standing silently in the doorway, unsure of what to do, of whether or not to approach me or slam the door in my face. It seems she cannot decide, so she simply stands there, watching me.
"Scully," my voice is a broken whisper and she presses her lips together, unwilling to respond. I reach out to touch her arm softly and she flinches slightly, but does not pull away from me. Her eyes lock with mine and there is nothing I want to do more than pull her into my arms and hold her tight, never let go.
But there was something in her eyes that stopped me. It was the look of a deer caught in headlights, raw terror. She was terrified.
Of me.
That thought stops me dead in my tracks. The look in her eyes is more terrifying than anything I've ever seen. I don't want her to be afraid of me, not ever.
I pull my hand away slightly and let my arm drop to my side, fighting the urge to touch her again. "Scully, are you okay?" I ask softly.
She raises her head to meet my eyes again and I am relieved to see that the fear is gone. In it's place is the cool assured gaze of Special Agent Dana Scully, she is my partner again. I'm not sure if I like this change. I am anticipating her next words so much that I find myself speaking them along with her.
"I'm fine Mulder."
I sigh heavily, this may be tougher than I thought. "It's just. . . I woke up this morning, and you were gone. . ." I trail off, wondering if I sound as pathetic as I think I do.
Scully's eyes actually seem to soften at this though, and I could swear that a smile flitted it's way across her impassive features. "I was due to have breakfast with my mother, Mulder. What do you think she would have thought if I had shown up wearing clothes that are two days old and positively rumpled."
Did I just heard Dana Scully use the word rumpled? I can die a happy man now. . .
She shakes her head slightly and smiles, reaching out to me for the first time. "Mulder, where did you think I went?"
"I don't know, I was afraid that maybe you regretted it. . ." I swallow hard and stare down at the floor, waiting for her long sigh and regretful voice telling me that I was right.
It never comes.
Instead she reaches out and pulls me inside, shutting the door softly behind me. She reaches out with one soft hand and strokes my cheek gently, turning my face to her, my eyes meeting hers.
The other arm snakes around my back and presses me closer. I fight the urge to close my eyes, not wanting to break this contact. I can feel myself falling into her sapphire depths once more, this time I let myself fall.
I'm jumping over the edge of that precipice we held ourselves on for so long, I'm demolishing that line in the sand, I'm tearing down those godamn walls that took so much pain and grief to build.
And I lower my mouth to hers.
Our kisses last night were hungry and passionate. This was different, this was gentle and loving, I was reassuring her that I need her. That I love her. This kiss is a gentle thing, delicate and it appears, terrified of breaking. I have waited eight years for this kiss, the one that confirmed what I have always known. The two of us have become something so much more. Here, in this moment we are unified, two souls joined together irrevocably.
I pull away with a ragged breath and lean my forehead against hers. There is so much we have left unsaid, and I am not sure if I want to be the one to say it.
It's Scully that speaks first, her fingers still tangled in my hair, her voice is low and her words go straight to my soul.
"Mulder, I left your apartment this morning not sure where I was going. I was afraid of all that could happen, all that could change. And then I talked to my mother. . . she told me that if we loved each other than nothing else mattered."
She brushes her lips over mine once more, a fleeting whisper of a kiss silencing my forthcoming words. "She's right, Mulder. We have denied this for too long, last night was inevitable, I have no regrets."
She frames my face with her fingertips and pulls my eyes to hers. "I love you, that's all that matters to me."
I let out a long breath that I was not aware I had been holding and pull her closer to me once more. "Scully, you have no idea how happy I am to hear that," she chuckles softly and wraps her arms around me. "I love you so much. . ."
~ ~ ~ ~
Scully pov
I reflect on those last days we had together now with a sort of painful clarity. My memories of him as I watched him in the morning, sleeping beside me, he really is the most beautiful man I've ever known.
I can't help but wonder if our child will be as beautiful.
Our child. That night was more important than either of us realized, it was the night our child was concieved. I've had the tests run, it's been proven. Mulder and I got lucky on the first try.
Our luck seems to have run out.
I press my fingertips to the cold glass of my hospital window as I stare out at the pouring rain. When did it start to rain? A few hours ago when Skinner was here it was warm and sunny out.
It's just as well, it fits my mood at hearing this bittersweet news.
When the doctor asked me about the father I nearly broke down and sobbed then and there. How was I supposed to tell my doctor that the father of my child had been abducted by aliens?
How am I supposed to tell anybody?
I lean my head against the cold glass, my other hand pressed to my stomach, as if I could feel the new life growing inside of me already. The knowledge of our child, something that is part Mulder growing inside me comforts me more than anybody's words of sympathy.
I will not accept their grief.
Mulder is not dead.
He is alive and I will find him.
I have to. . .
"Hold on, Mulder. I'm coming. . ."
end
God, I need to get out of this post Requiem funk. I didn't mean for it to end that way! It just did!
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