SPOILERS FOR ENDGAME. You have been warned. Also this is my first Marvel fanfic so please be nice and leave reviews!
Peter tried to keep his breathing relaxed. He tried to shift his position multiple times on his mattress, leaning on his right side, then his left, staying in the middle, and switching his pillow to the opposite side of his bed. Just for the purpose of trying Peter even tried using a web to hang up and side down from the ceiling, as if that had ever helped someone fall asleep. But all his efforts seemed to be wasted. Instead whenever Peter would even get close to enjoying the blissful effects of sleep he would suddenly be there, on the battleground with Mr. Stark. Iron Man's eyes glazed open without a single breath being let out. Dead.
It had only been two months since it happened and it wasn't just at night that these memories would gnaw at him, never letting him forget. They came in his English class when Peter was meant to be giving an oral presentation. He would be reading the best he could aloud to the class and suddenly he'd freeze. His eyes would go wide and immediately fill with a look of fear that only Ned and MJ could recognize.
"Peter?" Mrs. Ramirez asked as she waiting to see if he would continue. Before Thanos she'd assume that he like some students had a harder time public speaking than others, she'd seen other students react just like Peter Parker in front of a classroom. But this was after Thanos. And panic attacks were common for students in similar circumstances like Peter. Students who had vanished for five years while the rest of their classmates graduated and aged.
"I'm sorry" Peter stuttered in a broken voice. He then dropped his paper on the teacher's desk and ran from the room, the door slamming behind him. "Water" he muttered to himself as he made his way through the hallway looking for the water fountain in a daze. He needed something to calm him down. He couldn't breathe, he couldn't think. Water would help. But Peter knew he wouldn't be able to make it as he slid down to the floor along a wall of lockers, hands clutching his face trying to make it all go away.
"Peter?" A voice asked. Peter didn't look up, he hadn't even heard the footsteps coming his way. He recognized her voice though. Normally having a tone which was ready to say something sarcastic but now sounding more concerned.
Peter gave a quick swipe to his eyes, pushing away the tears which he embarrassed to have let out.
"I'm stupid, I should've practiced more for the presentation and-"
"Stop it, Parker" MJ said as she lowered herself down to sit next to Peter. "We both know that wasn't what happened in there".
"I don't know what to do" Peter said honestly.
She laughed. "And you think the rest of us do?" This is a pretty messed up situation for the whole god damn planet. Think about it, more than half of our original class is gone, graduated, been to college and started a life. Where've we been?" She asked,her arms folded as she stared straight ahead.
"Where were you when it happened?" Peter asked in a calmer voice.
"Funny enough I was yelling at my mom" MJ started. "Of course she was yelling too. It was some stupid fight, I don't even remember what it was about but I guess that's what five years does to you. But me and mom were arguing and suddenly I remember everything going black for a second, and then I'm back standing in the exact same spot except my mom wasn't there. She was lucky one in my family who didn't disappear. Nearly had a heart attack when she saw me and my dad back" she said. "What about you, Parker?"
Peter shook his head, not wanting the memories to resurface once more. "I don't know" he said. "Both me and my aunt disappeared though, luckily no one wanted to raid a ghost apartment in the past few years" Peter said. And it was true, both him and Aunt May were one of the lucky ones. Some people had their homes completely robbed or sold.
MJ nodded. "You're not the only one, by the way" she said. "I've seen kids sobbing in the bathrooms. Girls who's best friends are graduating college this year and their still in high school. You and Ned were lucky to have stayed together"
"Lucky?" Peter asked as if this was a sick joke.
"People have lost a lot, Peter. The ones who were left probably thought they were the lucky ones. But then we came back and get to continue our lives like nothing ever happened. They're the ones that remember the last five years. So who do you think are the lucky ones?"
Peter wanted to agree with her. But his memories and his powers made it more difficult than most to forget. No one else felt their on coming disappearance. No one else remembered their own body disintegrating, crumbling to ash. Peter has asked others, but even Doctor Strange didn't know what Peter did. And while the country knew about the death of Tony Stark no one felt the way he did, expect of course his wife and daughter.
The panic attacks were the worst of it. Sometimes it wouldn't hit him full on, just the quickening of his breath and a flash of a memory and other times, like in his English class or at night. Gym class could have its own horror especially whilst playing dodgeball. Having ball after ball being thrown at him so much that he couldn't concentrate on doing anything but covering his face. His spidery sense couldn't combat his fear and didn't help him much in this moment but warn him of every oncoming ball before it hit. Ned would yell for them to stop before being pelted himself.
But for Peter he didn't know what was a more terrible memory to experience: Tony's death or his own. Turning to dust in Tony's arms. Not wanting to leave, to die. At first when Peter came back he didn't remember exactly what happened or how it had felt to him. But slowly his memories returned. And all the pain was as real as ever.
Aunt May knew. Peter didn't have to admit what he was feeling for her to know why he was upset. She knew he couldn't sleep well, she'd listen to his footsteps he'd make around his room at three in the morning praying that he'd find some comfort somewhere. But he missed Tony Stark. And he wasn't coming back.
"You didn't sleep again last night?" Aunt May said, this conversation had become an all too common occurrence, the exhaustion on Peter's face was showing. The bags under his eyes were too dark for any teenager to have.
"I did, somewhat" Peter lied. His eyes never remained closed for longer than a few seconds in the previous night. Or the whole week for that matter. The nightmares would keep him awake. It was moment like this when he wished he never got bit by a radioactive spider. A downside to his powers was a rapid metabolism. Any sleep medication he could take would burn right through his system.
"Morgan called" May said, trying to engage Peter in more conversation. And it was true, the five year old had gotten extremely attached to him. "And Pepper, she actually sent something over for you, as early birthday present" she added, placing a cereal box down on the kitchen table. Sleep wasn't the only thing Peter was lacking. He wasn't eating enough, and the hunger only added to his sickened appearance. Peter gave a slight nod to her words as he stared down at the Daily News newspaper trying to find some interest in the pages. But it was obvious the thought of his birthday was something he didn't care very much about. When Thanos killed half the world it was less than two months until Peter turned 17. But he never got that chance.
"She wants you to come over sometime. I think that might be a good idea".
"No" Peter said almost too quickly. "I-I can't go back there. Not to that house" He said a bit slower.
"Peter" Aunt May said.
"I can't Aunt May" Peter stood up turning to face his aunt. "Not after the funeral" He stopped, cutting his words short not wanting to think more about that day. The beautiful house surrounded by acres of nature now tainted in Peter's memory.
"Ok. We'll leave this conversation off to the side, for right now. What we can talk about is your school trip" Aunt May said, her arms now folded. This was something that May had repeatedly brought up but Peter had never made a decision on. He'd be going to Europe for a week.
"I don't-"
"You're going. This isn't a debate" She said, though without any anger in her voice. "It'll be good for you and besides, it'll be fun. You, your classmates, Ned and don't forget about MJ" May said with a smile.
"Aunt May!" Peter said, though he didn't give the grin she was hoping would come out. "I don't know about this. The last time I went on a school trip..." He was meant to be going to the MOMA. The fear in his eyes was back and his memory went on rapid replay, showing everything that had happened to him the moment he snuck off his school bus. Space, Thanos, Dust. Five years. And , always Mr. Stark Peter's breathing quickened and he stepped back, bumping into the counter top but not noticing the pain.
"Peter" Aunt May said as she stepped forward to comfort her nephew. "Nothing is going to happen" she said.
"You can't promise that" Peter said, hot tears slipping down his cheeks.
She nodded. "I can't, but it's better than thinking the worst" May said. Then she broke away from Peter to grab a flat wrapped gift that he hadn't noticed before.
Peter looked down at the package before taking it with a shaking hand and using his free one to wipe his fallen tears.
Happy 17th Birthday Peter
Love Pepper and Morgan (Peter smiled seeing the childish handwriting of the little girl)
He unwrapped it carefully peeling off the tape that held the corners down before the removing the whole thing. In his hands Peter held a picture frame containing a picture he only knew too well.
It was Peter and Tony. With himself giving off the biggest most goofiest smile and Tony looking mildly amused.
"He cared about you a lot" Aunt May said.
Peter nodded, remembering the first time he had seen Mr. Stark after returning. It had been Mr. Stark that went in for the hug that time. Peter had wanted to say more in that moment and it looked like Mr. Stark did too, but both held their tongues to go take down Thanos. Mr. Stark never got to tell Peter that he had a daughter, never got tell him what it was like the five years Peter was gone. It was Pepper that had spoken to Peter before the funeral. She knew how Tony had felt. She knew that Peter's death had been the thing that Mr. Stark never let himself forget. And now it was like the roles were switched. Because Mr. Stark was the one who was gone and Peter was alone.
Peter looked to Aunt May, wanting to say more, but words didn't seem to matter as much as how he felt. Peter missed him. He'd give anything to have Mr. Stark back, even if it was just to yell at Peter for doing something wrong. Even if Peter never got to be Spiderman again. Anything for his mentor to be here again.