Well hello! I already put this in tumblr but I'm just uploading here for facility reading sake. Ellie wanted Crisspez Angst and if I don't keep her happy, Dead God will come down to earth and destroy the fandom, so here you have my darling. I hope you like it and I'm sorry it's written by me because I suck.
This was really painful for me to describe, because it's actually a loooot like I think things happened between them so it's reallyyy like heartbreaking. The ship is Crisspez. I hope the past-present is not so confusing, sorry.
Disclaimer:The paragraph in italics it's from the novel Three steps above heaven, thanks Federico Moccia for ruining my life.
Warning:Mentions of sex, nothing outta world but just in case. And angst angst angst.
"She Liked Rain"
If someone showed up in that exact moment and asked Lauren what the hell she was doing there, she'd have to tell at least five lies in the same paragraph. She snuggled up closer to the wall of the balcony. Even standing in the part of the balcony that was under roof, the hard wind still wiped her body and wet her with the raindrops. She was starting to get cold; but she crossed her arms and tried to ignore that sensation. She knew she had to go to the hotel in that moment, what was she expecting staying over after the party finished? Everything was different now.
Lauren rested her head on the wall for a moment, allowing the sound of the rain falling down to slip through her ears and, maybe, transport her, for a minute, only in her head, a few years back.
It was raining the first time they talked. It was freshman year in college, she only knew that he was in most of her classes, and the few times she heard him talk, it was to make some funny joke during class to Dylan or someone else, never to her. That day, the terrible storm started at the middle of the class. When they finished, everyone ran away from the classroom to their rooms, either with umbrellas or trotting with a hoodie on their heads. How stupid! She was about to put an umbrella and a jacket in her purse, just in case, but she didn't. Lauren remained standing up there, in the door of the classroom, without the courage enough to go outside. The storm was pretty ferocious and everyone else left. She should've gone with one of her classmates but she hadn't make friends yet, except talking with a few people that were the first ones to run away through the storm. So she just stood up there, biting her lip as a thunder burst out.
"Do you wanna share the umbrella?" He asked, walking to her, and with a red umbrella in his hand. His voice kinda scared her because she thought everyone already left.
"You really don't have to…" Lauren started, but Darren interrupted as if it was a big deal.
"I'm not going to let you get sick! Come on." He insisted, opening up the umbrella and holding it next to her, shielding her too.
"Okay, thank you." She replied lowly. "But I have to warn you my room is pretty far away from here."
Darren just shrugged. "Then we'll get to know each other."
That was the first time they talked. There were some things they had in common and there were some things they were nothing alike. But they enjoyed talking; he always had something nice to say and Lauren was a chatty one. Lauren didn't give him her phone number until after six months since that day.
It was raining the first time they kissed, and the time when he asked her to be his girlfriend. Darren was one of her closest friends at that time.
"You won't believe this." She complained dramatically, looking at him.
"You forgot your umbrella again? Why this doesn't surprise me?" He joked, shaking his head in disapprobation. "It's been four years, Lopez. What would happen if I forgot mine?"
Like if that would happen. Darren didn't admit that to her until after two years, that he carried his umbrella in his bag every time, every single day, just in case it rained. Because over the past years, that had been mostly the only excuse he had to talk with her. Lauren was busy 24 hours at day, they had a few friends in common but she wasn't the one who spend many nights out, and he was. When she was getting up early in the morning to prepare some tea, he was in his ninth dream, recovering from the hangover of the last night. He spent a lifetime asking her to go with him to one of those parties, but it had to be a miracle to make it happen.
But she was still one of his closest friends too. She helped him to study during entire weekends, and he always bothered her when she had a day off (without succeeding).
"We both would get sick, and you don't want that." Lauren replied with a smile and a tilt of her head. Darren grinned, shaking his head again. He was very lucky that she forgot her umbrella every time. He wouldn't be walking so close to her otherwise.
"What would you do without me?" Darren showed off, when they got to the door of her room. He was still holding the umbrella above them.
Lauren looked at him in the eyes, smiling and shaking her head.
"I really don't know." She replied.
And then, he put a hand over her jaw and kissed her. It was a soft, but long kiss. One of those you remember for the rest of your life. One of those that just give you a pleasuring warm sensation when you remember them, making you smile.
Just like the real Lauren, in the present, was doing right then, feeling the cold spreading now over her body. It was a bitter memory.
"Be my girlfriend." Darren whispered, stroking her cheek.
"Ew." Lauren replied, wrinkling her nose.
"I'll take that as a yes."
She laughed, hiding her head on his neck, making him swing slightly. His arm was about to get a cramp from holding the umbrella for so long, but he didn't complain.
"If I am your girlfriend, then you'll have to be my boyfriend." The warning tone of her voice confused him.
"Is that bad?"
"You'll have to come over to my room to watch the love movies you hate, and when I'm on my period I'll say that I hate you and you'll have to kiss me until I'm not upset anymore. Do you think you could do that?"
"Try me."
"I hate you."
And he did kissed her until she forgotten that ground was under her, and that she had another class in ten minutes, and that she was pretending to play hard to get.
The memory ached Lauren's heart so hard it was hard to breathe. She put a hand over her mouth to hold the sobs. Luckily, it worked. But her location would be discovered sooner or later.
It was raining the first time they made love. It converted kind of a patron for them at that point; that whenever it rained, they smiled to themselves, wondering what could happen that time. This time, Lauren finally agreed to go with Darren to one of the University's parties, despite they had an exam the next morning, (Well it's senior year after all, what the hell!, a rebel Lauren exclaimed). It was in a back yard and they literally had to run to get in a safe place. None of them had umbrellas this time. Lauren had took off her high heels, and climbed onto Darren's back, running while the rain got them wet from head to toes. They were laughing and cold when they stepped into Darren's room. It took them a moment to stop laughing. They took off their completely wet clothes, and Darren gave Lauren one of his hoodies. They drank hot chocolate, even though it was past midnight, and they snuggled close to each other to stand the cold.
Later that night, they got undressed for other reasons. "I've never done this with anyone." Lauren said shyly, avoiding his gaze, and when Darren laughed she punched him on the arm. "I'm being serious."
He kissed her softly. "It's just that I can't hold back how happy I am to be the first one." He explained. She believed him, and he was being honest. In that moment, he felt incredibly happy to be the first one. He wanted to be the first one and the only one in her life. "I love you."
She wanted to say she loved him back; she really wanted to, but she didn't for a lot of different reasons. Mostly because she feared. She feared he'd someday leave her, she feared she wouldn't feel the same way ever again with someone else, she feared she'd never be this happy. But she did love him, like she never loved anyone else. And that's why she asked him to make her his that night.
That night did was a little awkward, and clumsy and funny, but it was also beautiful, and nice, and unforgettable. Needless to say they both failed their exam the next day; but they didn't care. And the first one of many nights together. Ten of those nights after, she said she loved him too.
"I like you and I love you at the same time." She explained. "I love you. And I like it when it rains."
She liked rain, because it remembered her about him.
That couldn't possible had happened five years ago. It felt so real, so vivid. But it was a long time ago, and nothing was the same. The wind started to get harder, she couldn't feel her feet anymore due how frozen they were.
It was also raining the night they broke up. Which made them realize that the rain not only brought good things. She had never cried so much like she did that night. She kept a tiny hope that he'd knock the door of the apartment, he'd apologize, "it was a joke" as he always said, he'd say that he wasn't going anywhere, and they'd kiss and everything would be the same again. But that didn't happen.
"Lauren, are you okay?" Julia asked through the door of her room.
"Yes. Leave me alone." Lauren replied, cold.
Her friend didn't insist.
She wanted to stop existing in that moment. She couldn't stop the tears and her sobs barely allowed her to breathe. Darren was calling her but she turned her phone off. He promised he'd never leave her. He promised to always be the only one. How could he expect her to be happy for him?
One month later, a day before he left, she went to his house.
"I'm sorry. I overreacted." Lauren apologized. "I was being immature. I want the best for you."
She cursed inwardly when Darren gave her the longest, tightest hug he ever gave to her. It only made things more difficult. She couldn't believe that was probably the last time he hugged her like that, that she felt his arms around her. So warm, so close.
"Come with me." He whispered into her neck, moving his head in a caress to her forehead.
"I can't go now." She cried. She didn't even want to move in a near future, she just didn't want him to leave. She wanted everything to be as it was before. She wanted him to keep his promises. She kept hers.
"In a year." Darren caressed her hair. He did think she was being overdramatic. But not because he didn't care that much about her (he couldn't imagine spending his life with another person, that was impossible. Lauren was the one.) but because that wasn't a goodbye for him. That was just a see you later. He didn't freak out like Lauren, because he thought there was nothing to fear. They belonged together. Destiny would bring them back again very soon.
"I'll start saving money." Lauren replied, trying to hold back the sobs, still under his arms. She wanted to beg him don't go. She really wanted. But once more, she held those words back.
Darren left the next morning. He didn't get worried after one, two, three months without seeing her. He never abandoned his thoughts. He always thought their paths would get back together, how there was a way they wouldn't? Love was like that. They were meant to be.
"Lauren, you're still here? We've been looking for you." Darren asked, passing the door of the balcony.
Lauren felt so pathetic when he found her. She was wet from head to tall.
"You're freezing." Darren commented.
He had to drag her inside, while she seemed a zombie. Darren pretended he didn't know why. He helped her to change her clothes, borrowing something from his drawer.
"Why did you stay there, Lauren? It's raining."
Lauren didn't reply. As if he didn't know.
Going to that party was such a stupid idea. She couldn't be happy for him. How could she celebrate his commitment with another person? How could she be happy for him? If she could still feel his arms around her, if she could still remember so vivid those nights when he made love to her for hours, if she could hear his laugh and his voice whispering he loved her so much. She refused to believe that happened years ago. She refused to move on. Since that rainy night he broke her heart, nothing felt the same.
But there they were.
Darren went with her to the door. She looked at him. "Congratulations", she said, but he knew she didn't mean it. He replied a faked thank you though.
He didn't have it easier than her, as Lauren thought. Because he never gave up on her. He always thought she'd come back to him, and everything would be the same again. Rain would fall again and she was going to tell him she forgot her umbrella again, and he'd make her laugh and hold the umbrella for her. But one day he found himself spending his life next to someone he didn't know. He couldn't spot the moment his heart broke, as Lauren, because it seemed it just broke a little more, every day that passed by. He wished he was hopeless when he moved out. He wished he didn't spend the days waiting for her return, losing counts of the days he counted, serenading songs she'd never hear. He wished he did have the same fear that Lauren had in the past, that fear of will this be the last time you kiss me? Will you love me forever? Will you stay? But he didn't, he was sure the universe would work everything out, and that was his mistake.
Because one day it happens. Something clicks. And you know that things are going to change. They've changed already. And they'll never be the same again. Never. And when it happens, you know… There's always a moment when the road forks. Each one goes off, thinking the roads will come together again. You see the other person getting smaller and smaller. That's all right. We're made for each other. She'll be there at the end. But at the end, only one thing happens. You move on. Suddenly you realize that everything is over. There's no going back. You feel it. And then you try to remember at what point it all began. And you discover it started before you thought. Long before.
And it's at that moment you realize things only happen once. And no matter how hard you try, you'll never feel the same again.
Lauren heard a thunder breaking out. She waved a goodbye. It'd be too painful to touch him again. And he'd be too weak to resist it. So she left. And it was raining, but Darren wouldn't hold the umbrella all the way for her anymore.