Mommy…Who's That?
Shadow Hearts: Covenant
By: The Shadow Hawk
Pairing: Karin/Nicolai
Summary:One day, while caring for her young son, Yuri, Karin remembers a man who had more control over her than she thought possible. She wants to forget him and move on with her life, but she knows he will never truly leave her alone unless she takes the first steps to locking him away forever.
Insired by a picture of Nicolai at the website Oritsuru
A young boy in black ran through a field towards a river sparkling in the afternoon sun, laughing, as his mother sat near by and smiled. She was a beautiful woman in her late twenties or early thirties perhaps and the boy running around laughing was her only child. She shielded her eyes from the bright sun and sighed.
"Yuri! You get away from that river! I am not dressed to fish you out again!" She gathered her flowing skirts in her hands and followed the boy at a slow pace. She smiled to herself. For one, because the dress she was wearing was a far cry from the revealing microskirts she used to wear and two, because she knew the boy would grow up and be just as stubborn as he was now.
"Aw Mom! There're frogs down there and I want one!" The boy with messy black-brown hair and scarlet eyes yelled back.
"No more frogs Yuri!" His mother, Anne, once known as Karin, stood at the top of the hill near the river so she could see exactly what her son was doing. "I'll tell your father when he gets home if you don't come back here this instant."
The little boy let out an annoyed sigh. "Fine…I'm coming…" He regretfully abandoned his quest for amphibians and joined his mother at the top of the hill. "Mom…I'm hungry!"
She smiled. Yuri was a bottomless pit at any age. "Alright…let's go have lunch then." She took her son's hand and they walked back through the field where under a tree, the lunch she packed earlier today was sitting along with some other entertainment options.
Yuri sat down on the ground in order to stuff his face while Anne seated herself on a rock. She set up an easel and picked up a partially finished watercolor painting, preparing to finish it. The half finished man hardly looked like the person it was supposed to but Anne intended on changing that.
She really had no idea why she began this painting of Nicolai Conrad but she had. As she painted, Yuri finished his food and got curious as to what his mother was doing.
"Mommy…who's that?" The face had begun to take on far more defined characteristics and there was more to his clothes than earlier.
Anne was startled by the sudden interruption. She had been so captivated by the painting's eyes that she nearly forgot where she was. "He's…" A friend? No. A mortal enemy? Not exactly. The man she fell hopelessly in love? She'd never admit to that. "A man I knew a long time ago…"
"Oh…why you painting him?" He crawled up onto the rock next to her. "He looks kinda sad."
"He was often sad…I suppose I'm just trying to remember what he looked like…I don't have any pictures of him…"
"How come I've never met him?"
Because he's only just been born in this time? She couldn't very well say that. "He's gone…" It was the simplest answer. The whole truth was too complicated and something she wasn't sure she understood either. "He's been gone for a long time…"
"Oh…" Yuri stared at the painting some more and then at his mother. She was looking at the painting longingly, similar to the way that she would watch her husband when he would leave to go work. "Did you love him?"
The question caught her off guard so much that she nearly dropped her brush. How could she answer that? "What makes you ask that?"
"You're looking at him like you look at Dad sometimes."
Color flooded her cheeks for a moment. Yuri could be far too astute sometimes. "I suppose I loved certain things about him…"
"What about Dad?" Oh wonderful. How could a mother explain to her son that his father wasn't the only man in her life?
"I didn't know your father when I knew him, Yuri. Once upon a time, I was in the military and happened to end up on assignment with him."
Finally, he stopped looking at the painting and back up at his mother. "Did he love you?"
Anne put down her brush and picked up a pen so that she could add some definite lines to his hair. "He said he did…he offered me the world. But I was never sure whether or not I believed him."
"Then why'd you love him at all?" The boy seemed intent on catching his mother in a lie.
She wished he'd drop the subject, but she should have known better than to paint Nicolai while he was around. "Love is a very complicated emotion Yuri. Looking back, I think he really did care about me…but he was jealous of the fact that I sided with someone else in a fight he was in. He wanted me to see life his way but I couldn't. He was very good at lying but I couldn't forgive him for what he did."
"Why? What'd he do?"
"I told you we were on different sides of a fight. He tried to hurt my friends. He wanted them gone so I would turn to him."
"I don't get it." Yuri huffed a little. "He seems like a bad guy to me. Why would you like him if he did such bad stuff?"
"I was younger then and very confused. When he told me he loved me…well…it seemed like he meant it…but I wouldn't give in to him."
"Then why's he worth remembering at all? You have Dad now so why does he matter?"
Why indeed? She had to think about that for a minute. Part of her did still love Nicolai Conrad. Part of her pitied him as well. And part of her would always hate him for the Mistletoe Curse. "I think…because no one else will…he had no family…" She finished off the last of his clothing with a few more pen lines. She took a moment to admire her own work. She found herself surprisingly pleased with what she had done. "He was raised by a man who only wanted to used him…even that man is gone."
"Well, maybe no one should remember him."
Anne frowned at the boy. "Don't say such things, Yuri. Everyone should be remembered. Memories are very important. Memories make up who we are." She smoothed down his unruly hair. "A friend of mine taught me that a long time ago. Besides…you'll find out some day that you never forget your first love. Even if it never gets that far."
"Then I just won't fall in love." He crossed his arms over his chest. "Girls are gross anyway."
The boy's mother laughed. "All boys your age think that. Give it a few years and you'll think differently."
"No, I won't. Girls just cry a lot. It's annoying."
"Just keep telling yourself that. You'll find out just how wrong you are someday." She couldn't help but smile. If only he knew just how dedicated he would one day be to a woman he couldn't be with. It hurt to think that he couldn't be with Alice in life, but they were together out there somewhere in eternity. And Anne was content with that.
"Well…did he ever do anything good?" Wanting to change the subject, the small boy made a face and messed his hair up after his mother finished with it. He peered at the picture again.
Anne sighed. The questions he asked were nearly impossible to answer. "In a way…if I hadn't met him…I never would have met your father."
"Really?" Yuri looked a little more interested now.
"Yes, really." Anne rinsed off her brush one last time and dried it so she could put away her art supplies.
"So you remember him because he made you happy?"
"Made me happy?" It was hard to imagine that Nicolai made her happy, but she wondered if he was right. She met the 'Godslayer' face to face because of Nicolai and that, ignoring countless details for a moment, eventually led to meeting Ben. After getting married, they had Yuri and Anne found herself to be happier than she had been in a long time. "I suppose he did…" She smiled.
Thinking about the situation that way made her feel a little less guilty. She loved her husband but sometimes regretted that her mind often wandered to Nicolai. She told herself it was wrong. He was gone. He had been twisted and evil anyway. But it hadn't been entirely his fault. Rasputin had twisted him. Or at least, if she thought of it like that, she could forgive some of Nicolai's actions.
Anne checked to see if the painting had dried yet and happy with its condition, began to pack. "Come on Yuri. Let's head back home."
"Do we have to?"
"You have lessons to complete."
"Aww man…" He stuck out his bottom lip and pouted. "I dun wanna."
"Now Yuri, you can't get though your life with your fists. You have to be able to reason your way out of a situation too."
"Fighting is better." He smiled and punched the air a few time. "I'm gonna be so awesome when I grow up."
"Yes. Yes, you will dear." Anne wrapped up the picture and put it under one arm and carried some of the other stuff in her free hand.
Yuri smiled and walked along side his mother back to their home. It was a comfortable place but at the moment, it seemed empty. Probably because Ben was out working and would be for a few more days at least. The house always lost some warmth when he was gone.
But at the same time, she was relieved. She could put the painting away without Ben seeing it. Her husband was very understanding of the fact that Anne still had feelings for a man named Nicolai that was now dead, but she thought it best not to show it to blatantly or too often.
That night long after Yuri was asleep, Anne remained awake. She pulled a key out of her underwear drawer and opened a large chest on her side of the room she shared with Ben. Within the wooden box were her hidden memories of Nicolai and a life she stepped away from a long time ago.
Her old officer's coat and her microskirt/halter ensemble were folded nicely in one corner while Nicolai's paladin robe was in the other. She didn't even remember how she had found it or why she had kept it, but she couldn't bear to get rid of it. The Durandal lay quietly on top of the piles of memories, and Galahad's Sword was right next to it. Sometimes she couldn't believe she kept his sword. She had found better swords before getting her family's heirloom but it was the memories she couldn't part with.
Somehow, she couldn't forget the Nicolai Conrad she went to Domremy with when they went to exorcise the demon. Yes, he had quickly shown his true colors but she didn't care. There would always be a place in her heart for the smooth-talking priest.
Often, she wondered what would have happened if she had given in to him. What young woman didn't want the world? And he offered it all to her. But she turned it down. Which in the end was the best. Had she gone with him, Nicolai might have won.
Not to say that she thought she was that important to the group, but Nicolai had been blinded by his rage. He made mistakes. He was so depressed after her rejection of him that she wondered if maybe he wanted to die. Maybe he was finally at rest.
And yet, for all her hopes, she knew Nicolai would never really be at rest. Sometimes, when she was walking by herself, she would swear she'd hear his voice in the wind, see a flash of his pristine white robes in a crowd. It was absurd considering the Nicolai that existed in this time period was a child but it didn't matter. He would follow her to her dying day.
Perhaps that was another reason why she painted his portrait. It was a symbolic way for Anne to capture him and put him some place permanent. Maybe if she told herself that her was locked up in her trunk, she'd stop seeing him.
She stared at the painting longingly, with tears in her eyes. Damn him for making her feel like this. She was married and had a child now. How dare he follow her. Why couldn't she let him go? She would have to though. Her time was limited with Yuri and her husband so she would savor it, without letting Nicolai butt in.
Her fingers grazed the portrait, as if it was really him. This would have to be the end. No more.
"Good bye, Nicolai…" She closed her eyes and put the portrait on top of her pile of past treasures and locked the trunk. "You can't stay in my life anymore…" Just as she was about to put the key back around her neck, she stopped.
She went back into the living room where a small fire was going. From the folds of her dress, she pulled out a magic crest and cast a fire spell. The flames roared to life again and Anne dropped the key into the inferno. With a grim satisfaction, she watched the key grow red hot and slowly lose its form. The metal dripped and oozed to the bottom of the fireplace within minutes. Happy it was over, Anne put out the fire and went to bed.
For the first time in months, she did not dream of him.
Would you look at that? I'm back with a Karin/Nicolai story. Well, it was pretty short and it was something that came to me while I was working on a new KurAna story. Don't expect it to come out soon though. At best there're a few dozen pages of random scenes that don't fit together. It'll eventually fit together but no promises on when. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I'll be able to work on it over Spring Break.
-The Shadow Hawk