I can't believe it's been a whole month since I last talked to you. I just want to say that I really miss you. I missed talking to you, hanging out with you, laughing with you, crying with you..heck, I even miss rolling my eyes on you, teasing you and making you a little bit angry. I miss you Allison, and I wish I could talk to you even just once, to tell you how much your friendship means to me. How you changed me and how I regret not telling you all this. So here I am, writing you a letter that I know you will never be able to read. Because I love you and I never get to tell you that until now that you are gone. I hope you knew and that you feel the same. You are the best friend that I ever wanted and I don't know if I can ever find again. I miss you Allison, and I wish you were here.
Love,
Lydia
Dear Allison,
It's been three days since I wrote my first letter to you. I cried almost unseizingly on those three days. The first time since your funeral almost a month ago. Even though everyone is telling me I should take time in grieving my loss, I am adamant in telling them I'm ok. They kept on bugging me with questions of "Are you okay?", of course Im not ok. You are gone and I felt like I lost a part of me I could never get back again. So to stop them from bothering me, I kept to myself. I ignored their calls and texts and made sure they won't catch me during breaks or free periods. I ignored them all, the pack, my mom, everyone. Until my mom had had it and enrolled me with a psychiatrist.
Remember Morell? Of course you remember her. You told me once that she literally pinned you on a wall in the abandoned Beacon Hills Bank. And I also once told you that I had counselling with her after being bitten by Peter. She is afterall, Beacon Hills High's guidance counsellor. Anyway, my mom enrolled me again to one of her counselling sessions. And although I know that she knew every "wolf related thing" that the pack encountered, I still don't trust her and won't talk to her about my "feelings". She and my mom was so sure that i got a very bad case of depression and in their frustration settled on me writting a "diary". Of course I refused, I am not a 10-year old girl who writes in her diary but mom begged me to do it and promise that she won't read it and won't let anyone see it, even Morell. She is very worried and that worries me too. So I take head.
But since I'm smarter than Morrell and my mom, I decided I'd write to you instead of writing to a diary. After all you are the one causing me this deppression and you should hear about it. Besides, you won't be able to write back and that works just like a real diary, right? No matter how sad and deprresing that might sound..
Anyway, at first I really thought that this was a very bad idea. But after writing that first letter, it made me feel better. It help me come to terms with what's happened. I know now that I was in denial and after that letter, I came to terms with the fact that you are really gone. Of course, it still hurts me and I still cry now and then. But it also made me realise that my memories of you can't be taken away from me. As I write, I can still think of the things that you would say in response. Your voice when you actually say it and the facial expressions you'd make. It also made me realise that you are not entirely and completely gone. As long as my memory can keep you (and we both know my memory bank can hold longer than any average person, so...), you will never be trully gone. Einstein is right, "Imagination is better than knowledge". Now I can imagine you in France, frolicking with Isaac and training with your father. Or in an alternate universe that I can tap anytime I want. The only thing that mattered is.. you're here with me, in my heart, in my head.. and for now, that's all I'll need to cope.
I still miss you though and I still wish you are physically here.
Love,
Lydia