Instant Pairing Fanfic Time!
In the words of Mikkeneko from Scimitar Smile, whose idea/plotbunny/genius scheme this is:
"Instant formulas for your pairing of choice! Simply add prose and stir well!"
...Let us begin.
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TyKa
Tyson: Hey, guess what? I'm in awkward teenage love with you!
Kai: Me too.
Both: ...
Kai: I'm Dr Cox; you're J.D.. You know how this goes down.
Tyson: ...Crap.
(They have awkward teenage sex.)
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TysonMax
Max: OMG I LOVE YOU TYSON!
Tyson: OMG I LOVE YOU MAX!
Max: ...Okay, now what do we do?
Tyson: No idea.
(They give up and go play videogames)
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KaiRei
Rei: Argh, someone switched me onto "screaming fangirl" mode and I can't turn it off!
Kai: That's okay, seeing as we're both hot, we'll just tape the action and sell it on eBay for a ridiculous amount of money.
Rei: Genius! (squeals and faints)
(The tape gets $1,000,000. They both retire to a tropical island.)
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TysonHillary
Tyson: You're so bossy!
Hillary: You're so fat!
Audience: You're arguing like a married couple.
Tyson: ...Can't fight fate, baby!
Hillary: You're still fat.
(They get married)
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KaiHillary
Hillary: In the canon, I show vague signs of fancying you.
Kai: In the canon, I'm totally uninterested.
Hillary: Sex me, it'll really bother Tyson.
Kai: Fair enough!
(They have sex. Repeatedly. On Tyson's couch. Tyson cries.)
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DaichiHillary
Daichi: I'm a shorter and angrier version of Tyson! Let's rock da house!
Hillary: ...(sigh) Boys.
(They have sex. Tyson cries.)
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TysonDaichi
Daichi: I'm a shorter and angrier version of you!
Tyson: Let's rock da house!
(They have sex. Hillary watches.)
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KaiTala
Kai: As a friend, I'm obliged by the laws of fanfic to have a thing for you.
Tala: Hey, at least you're not Boris Balcov.
(They have lots of vividly depicted sex. Jokes about tag-teaming ensue.)
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BryanTala
Bryan: (deadpan) I'm Russia's greatest love machine.
Tala: Wasn't that Rasputin?
Bryan: Who cares? Get these handcuffs on and bend over, bitch.
(They have lots of vividly depicted bondagey sex interspersed with a variety of emotional problems. "Ra Ra Rasputin, lover of the Russian queen...")
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BorisTala
Tala: Geez, I've been plowed more times than Kansas.
Boris: Why hello there. (pimpslaps)
Tala: OH GOD (angst)
(NCS ensues.)
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VoltaireKai
(See above. With incest.)
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KennyHillary
Hillary: I'm just about the only female you'll ever have even an outside shot at.
Kenny: MARRY ME!
(They get married. Nobody cares.)
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KennyEmily
Emily: You're a nerd.
Kenny: NO U
Emily: O RLY
Kenny: YA RLY
(An internet meme fight ensues. Then becomes cybersex. They get married online.)
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JuliaRaoul
Julia: Well, incest may be inappropriate, but twincest is still cool.
Raoul: Have you been reading Ouran Highschool Host Club again?
Julia: Shut up and sex me.
Raoul: Yes ma'am.
(They have twinsex. Romero posts pictures on the 'net.)
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JuliaMariah
Julia: RAWR
Mariah: RAWRR!
Julia: PrrrrrRR.
Mariah: eh??
(They have sex. The rest of the cast watches. Lee and Raoul cry.)
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LeeRei
Lee: Rei, I love you like a brother. A creepy, incestuous brother.
Rei: That's fine, but no threesomes.
Mariah: Damnit!
(Rei and Lee have sex in graphic detail. Mariah cries.)
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ReiMariah
Mariah: Canon says we love each other!
Rei: Shoot me. Uh, I mean, yes dear.
(They get married and have lots of little neko babies.)
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MystelMariah
Mystel: Hey, you have crazy hair and I have crazy hair! Let's get married!
Mariah: Okay, but give me my headband back first.
(They get married and have lots of crazy-haired babies, three of which are Yugi Mutou. Time paradox ensues. Also, Rei cries.)
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GarlandMystel
Garland: As your captain, I really need to get laid. Take one for the team?
Mystel: Oh hell yes! (giggles like a schoolgirl)
(They have lots of sex. Everyone else is disturbed.)
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HiroBrooklyn
Hiro: Are you ever going to get off your ass and do something?
Brooklyn: Not probable.
Hiro: Okay, well, while you're down there...
Brooklyn: Oh, sensei!
(They have sex. Hiro gets arrested.)
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KaiBrooklyn
Kai: I really, really hate you.
Brooklyn: You too!
Kai: ...Sex?
Brooklyn: Can't see why not.
(They have lots of graphic, kinky sex. Several buildings explode.)
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KennyMing-Ming
Kenny: I LOVE YOU!
Ming-Ming: Oh good, I needed a new porter.
(They get married. Hillary dies of rage.)
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JuliaBrooklyn
Julia: I'm looking for someone who's as much of a pushover as my brother.
Brooklyn: I like flowers.
Julia: Bingo!
(They get married. Brooklyn doesn't notice. Hiro and Raoul cry.)
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BorisGarland
Boris: Step into my office. (pimpslaps)
Garland: You do know I'm not Tala, right?
Boris: STOP SAYING THAT!
(They have sex. Garland produces a copy of the Kama Sutra and tells Boris what he's doing wrong. Boris tries to remember where he left Tala.)
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KaiBryan
Bryan: ...
Kai: ...
(They have sex. Tala joins for a threesome. The audience rejoyces.)
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RickMax
Rick: I like blondes.
Max: Mom's busy right now.
Rick: Okay then, bend over.
Max: ...Crap.
(They have sex. Judy joins for a threesome. The audience is disturbed.)
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MiguelMathilda
Mathilda: Hey, I think the canon set us up!
Miguel: Ya reckon?!
(They have sex, get married, and have lots of crazy-haired babies. Cause Miguel's hair is crazy enough for two people.)
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BorisBrooklyn
Boris: Hey, you look like Tala! (pimpslaps)
Brooklyn: ...What?
Boris: I mean, uh, I have marijuana! Suck me?
Brooklyn: In that case, sure.
(They have sex. Boris doesn't have any marijuana. Episode 49 ensues.)
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RickMichael(/Steven?)
Rick: I like blondes.
Michael: I'm not blonde.
Rick: You are in Season 3!
Michael: Crap.
Rick: Bend over and take it like a man.
(They have lots of sex. Michael tries to find hair dye.)
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Umm...
feather-duster blames Mikkeneko (found at FMA fansite Scimitar Smile - there would be a link here if ff dot net allowed it) for all of this.
If any of your favouritest pairings have been left out, leave a review to notify and feather-duster will get right onto rectifying that situation. These ones are just as many random fanpairings as feather-duster could think of on a rainy Friday afternoon.
...but please don't review solely for the purpose of saying that a pairing listed here "would never happen ever, what kind of psycho are you, etc etc". Most of these pairings are totally bizarre and ridiculous to begin with. That's because they're fanpairings. (Which also explains why most of them are yaoi, as well...)
The "Rasputin" song referenced is really, really funny. It happened to come on on the iPod shuffle as feather-duster was trying to decide what to do with that pairing. Mwahaha. (If anyone wants to look it up - highly recommended, folks - it's by Boney M, and the title is simply "Rasputin".)
Yes, I know this is sort of in script format, which we're not supposed to do. But feather-duster has seen that many fics around which are still in script format that she figures it doesn't matter hugely. Besides, there's not really any other way to write something as weird as this.
Once again; CREDIT TO MIKKENEKO for the concept. feather-duster just transplanted it to a different fandom.
If anyone spots the "Yu-Gi-Oh: The Abridged Series" reference...you've won a request fic. Quote the reference in your review, and feather-duster will get back to you ASAP. Everyone else, well, you should be watching YGO Abridged already. It's on YouTube, you've got no excuses.
...But even so, review and I love you!