Loveless Fanstory: Going to the Carnival
By Arara
"Ritsuka-kun!" yelled Yuiko happily.
Yuiko was one of Ritsuka's friends that was there to support him even thorough the rough times. Yuiko was also the first girl Ritsuka really had a conversation with, but he thought she was really annoying at the time. Now he accepts her, and now they're friends. This has been one of the first friends that he had that he felt was true, and they're in 6th grade!
"Yeah?" Ritsuka asked.
"You were in a fight with Soubi-san, weren't you?" she asked.
Soubi is a college student who would rather spend his time with Ritsuka than finish his paintings before his deadline in class. He studies Japanese art. Soubi is also Ritsuka's fighter, or a person who fights others using words as spells. Ritsuka is the sacrifice, or the person who takes the damage during the battle. There have been times when Ritsuka wished to set Soubi straight whenever he was upset with him that's whenever Soubi enters battles alone, without Ritsuka, which really gets him upset.
"No, I'm not in a fight with Soubi, my mom wants me to come home early today," Ritsuka answered as he grabbed his bookbag.
"So, why were you sad just now then?" Yuiko asked.
"Nothing!" Ritsuka yelled as he zoomed off.
Ritsuka's mom doesn't believe that the Ritsuka that comes home is the "real" Ritsuka. You see, two years ago, Ritsuka's personality was changed immensely, and the other Ritsuka seemed to vanish. Ritsuka's mother began to moarn and she started to hit him, and bite him saying: "You are not my son! Give me back Ritsuka!" She bought therapy for him in hopes of getting the old Ritsuka back, but it shows no sign of change in Ritsuka.
Right as Ritsuka entered the house, his mother grabbed him in further.
"Ritsuka! I come home to see this in the living room," she says holding up a big coat, "I asked your father if it was his but he said no and now I'm asking you. Who does this belong to, Ritsuka!"
Ritsuka's eyes went wide when he saw the coat. It was Soubi's, but he couldn't say that. 'What would the real Ritsuka say,' Ritsuka thought. His mother just stared at him, looking more demonic than ever.
"Um…Yuiko came here with it because she used it for a play and she stopped over here to get a glass of water because she was thirsty," Ritsuka answered.
His mother let him go and said, "Go to your room now, or you'll get no supper!" Ritsuka nodded and ran into his room.
Ritsuka had been in his room for a long time and supper would have been done a while ago. He moaned lowly as he turned around in his bed. His stomach was bothering him though. He heard a knock on his window, and he got up to open the window. When he pushed the curtains it was Soubi. Ritsuka wasn't sure as to be happy or upset. When he thought about it, Soubi hadn't been coming around lately. That got him upset.
He just stared out the window at Soubi, then closed the curtains. He turned and sat on the bed once more. He really wasn't in the mood to talk, even to let Soubi in.
Soubi stared at the window in dismay and jumped off of the balcony. Ritsuka must be upset and it was best not to disturb him. Still, Soubi used all the will power he had to walk away. A lot of times when Ritsuka was upset, Soubi was always there to comfort him. Lately, Ritsuka has been pushing him off even more mentally, and Soubi vowed to let him be, but it had been harder for him to do just that. Ritsuka would just have to take care of things himself; he was old enough too.
But even still, Ritsuka needed an older figure in his life, and someone to love him. His former older figure, Seimei his older brother, had died, and both of his parents don't love him. Further more, before Seimei died, he ordered him to love and take care of Ritsuka, and that's just the thing that he was going to do. He would just have to wait until Ritsuka could willingly let Soubi do his job, which meant letting him inside his home.
Don't be mistaken, I'm not here to hurt
Not to be mislead for I know your heart has bled
For I am here to heal you
And I really do…..
….care for you.
Ritsuka stared out of the window in thought. He wondered if he hurt Soubi because of what he did earlier.
I try to care and to let you through the barrier
But if I dare….
…to let you through
I'm afraid to get hurt again
May I be trapped in this dark cold place…
…..forever?
Seimei left him without this will because he was murdered. His mother didn't even care about him after Seimei's death. His father let his mother do as she pleased. But now Soubi comes along with all of his lies, and he says that he loves him just because Seimei told him to. He hated that. He hated that Soubi said that. He hated that Soubi would constantly come back. He hated that Soubi would comfort him. He hated everything about Soubi.
There were a lot of times when he wanted to join Seimei in death. He would stare out of the window and think about the way Seimei used to comfort him when he was afraid, dried his tears when he cried, and was always there to lean on. Then he found out one day, that Seimei was burned and was put in Ritsuka's elementary school at his desk, dead.
When the funeral came up, Ritsuka sat in the back away from the others. He couldn't bare to see his brother's body, or to even hear his brother's name, because all it would do was to bring tears to his eyes, and there would be no one there to dry them, to wipe them away and to comfort him; No one there to talk to him when he got afraid; no one there to lean on.
Why do my feelings go up, then fall?
What's the purpose of it all
I can only feel misery, and have nothing to give
I can't bring anyone happiness, so why bother live?
He hated the feeling of putting himself down like that because his mother was obviously putting those thoughts in his head on purpose. She wanted him to go, and for the "real" Ritsuka to come back.
When he thought about it, the only people that cared for him was Yuiko and Yayoi and of course Soubi as he claims. When he thought about it, he actually liked being liked, but for some reason, he hated when people said they loved him. It must have been because that Ritsuka thought of love as a controversial thing, and he didn't understand the meaning himself. Was that why he was upset when people said it to him? They say that humans are afraid of things they don't understand.
Ritsuka sighed and played with the thread that was coming out of his pillow. He hated to be in this emotional turmoil. Today wasn't the first day either, and that's what bothered him. Was there something wrong with him? The thought only got Ritsuka even more upset. There were times like this when Ritsuka wished Soubi was there.
Ritsuka just stared at his cell phone in silence. You see, Soubi had gotten Ritsuka the cell phone so if Ritsuka was ever in trouble, or if he felt alone, then he would be able to call Soubi for comfort. Whenever Ritsuka looked at the cell phone, Soubi would always come to mind.
Ritsuka hated that too. He hated ever thinking of Soubi. He hated that he wanted to call his friends whenever he felt alone. He hated feeling needy with others. Sometimes he felt as if he can do anything without any help from anybody else.
Ritsuka closed his eyes really tightly trying to clear his thoughts. He was getting himself confused now. He felt a lot of emotions at the same time now: Sadness, happiness, anger, pain. He wanted to throw something, but wanted to stay where he was. It was so confusing. He wanted to scream, but wanted to be quiet. He wanted to call Soubi….but he didn't want to touch the phone. He wanted to…
Knock! Knock! Ritsuka looked up and his thoughts disappeared. It was the window again. It must have to be Soubi. The thought of Soubi knocking on his window upset him. He knew there was a balcony there, but he couldn't help but wonder how Soubi got up the balcony. There was never a ladder…
Knock! Knock! The sound jerked Ritsuka out of his thoughts. Why does Soubi do that to him? There were times when Ritsuka just wanted to make Soubi tell him the things he wanted to know instead of beating around the bush. There were times when Ritsuka wondered what Soubi was thinking, and what he was hiding from him. There were times when Ritsuka just didn't want to see him. Why won't he just go away! Sometimes Soubi drove him up the wall, and sometimes Soubi was there to help Ritsuka get back on his feet. But why bother…?
Knock! Knock! Knock! Knock! That was getting really annoying. Ritsuka got up, still fueled with anger, and opened the curtains. The weird thing was that Soubi wasn't there. No one was there. But where was the knocking coming from?
"RITSUKA-KUUUUN!" Someone yelled from below the balcony. Ritsuka looked down and Yuiko was there along with Soubi. Ritsuka was immediately surprised.
"Y-Yuiko? S-Soubi?" he asked, "What are you guys-?"
"Soubi-san said he'll take us to the amusement park if we were able to get you out of your room," Yuiko yelled.
Ritsuka blushed and looked away with embarrassment. He felt Soubi staring at him. He can only guess what Soubi's expression was.
"So will you come down, Ritsuka-kun?" Yuiko asked.
Ritsuka nodded and grabbed his cell phone while Yuiko was yelling "YAY! He's coming!" over and over again.
When Ritsuka finally got outside, Yuiko grabbed his hand and started skipping, following Soubi. The whole time Soubi and Yuiko were talking about a lot of things including which rides Yuiko liked and what Soubi approved of. So far, he approved of all the rides she suggested.
"Oh, Ritsuka-kun, Yuiko's going to have fun with Yuiko's friends; including-.." Yuiko said as she grabbed Soubi's arm, "…Soubi-san!" Soubi smiled down at her and said, "Yes we are Yuiko-chan." She smiled up at him.
Yuiko looked at Ritsuka and smiled brightly. "What's wrong, Ritsuka-kun? You're quiet."
Ritsuka looked at her and grinned. "Oh, it's nothing… I'm just thinking…"
Yuiko looked at him quietly. Then she asked, "What are you thinking about, Ritsuka-kun?" Ritsuka didn't respond. Yuiko got the message and didn't question him anymore.
Soubi turned his head a bit to get a glance at Ritsuka. He was obviously lost in thought. Soubi couldn't help but wonder what was on Ritsuka's mind. Something told him that it'll rear its head sometime and he'll find out about it.
Yuiko smiled at Soubi and said, "Oh, you're looking at Ritsuka-kun, I see!"
Soubi looked at her, and Ritsuka got a little annoyed. Soubi was getting really annoying now. It seemed as if he couldn't be in his personal world anymore without Soubi being there.
Ritsuka looked away, still upset. Then when he thought about it, they were walking to the amusement park?
"Oh, yea! We're taking the train to the amusement park," Yuiko said. Sometimes it felt like Yuiko was reading his mind and it really frightened him. He nodded, showing that he heard her.
They finally arrived at the train station and Soubi bought the tickets. "Have a nice day," the woman said as they entered the train. The train started to move when Soubi pulled out a map.
"Carnival's in Kyoto," Yuiko mumbled looking at the map. Ritsuka looked out the window of the train, looking at the passing scenery. When he thought about it, Kyoto was really far from here and was about a 3 hour car ride. When on a train, and a fast moving one on top of that, the ride was lessened by 30 minutes, or maybe even an hour without the constant stopping. But then again, why was Soubi treating them to the carnival (which tickets are usually 3,000 yen $30)?
"I can't wait until we get there!" Yuiko yelled, happily. She got up and jumped up and down while giggling. Soubi watched her, smiling.
"Be careful, Yuiko-chan," Soubi said, watching her. "Ok!" Yuiko yelled happily.
Ritsuka didn't even acknowledge the noise, and stared outside quietly. It kind of troubled Soubi. He knew Ritsuka well to know something was on his mind… something that was bothering him…something he didn't want to talk to him about.
Why is it that you push me away?
I try to get closer to you each and everyday,
But it is easy to see that you're hurting inside,
Please, whatever you say, I will abide…
It was like Soubi was torn into two, one side telling him to make Ritsuka tell him what was wrong, and the other side wanted to give Ritsuka space. It was the most confusing feeling Soubi ever got.
Ritsuka knew he wanted to talk to Soubi. He knew he wanted to so much. But, he didn't want to. But he did want to, OH! It was so confusing. It made him want to hate Soubi, but to admire him.
Yuiko couldn't help but feel lost. Both of the guys that were her friends were now spacing out, emerging into their own emotional turmoil.
"Soubi-san, Ritsuka-kun?" Yuiko said, looking at both guys questioningly. "Hello?"
Again, there was no answer, and the only sounds were the train's engine and the noise of the tracks. Yuiko pushed Soubi a little bit to get his attention. He blinked and looked down at her.
"Yuiko-chan, what is it?" Soubi asked. She smiled up at him and asked, "How long until we get there, Soubi-san?"
Soubi looked at his watch and said, "Oh, an hour more and we're there!"
Yuiko quickly rejoiced and yelled, "Ne, 'Suka-kun, did you hear that!" She nudged him and he turned to look at her.
"Hn? What happened?" Ritsuka asked.
"We're an hour away, Ritsuka-kun," Yuiko yelled.
"Oh," Ritsuka murmured and looked at Soubi with a brief glance.
I know who you're thinking of
It's that person that you love
The person that only shoves
It's the person that we all know
The person that wishes for you to go
The person that thinks of you so low…..
In truth, Ritsuka didn't really think this way about Soubi, although he wished it so.
He glanced out the window again. They were an hour away from the carnival, which meant an hour to look out the window. So be it. But then he remembered a painting that Soubi made for him for his birthday. It was a painting of an orange and pink butterfly using water colors. The surrounding was flowers blended with skies, sky blue blended with red-orange and green-blue. Soubi never told him what the painting meant but he had a good idea what it did mean.
Love is like a butterfly,
Beautiful and fragile and sweet
When those two hearts blend
It's when those two people meet
Orange and red shows the intensity
The colors that blend so vividly
And in the end, love will still prevail
And that story, ends the prominent tale…
Soubi can sure explain things without saying them. That was one thing that marveled him about Soubi. What did he expect from a college student?
Ritsuka couldn't help but smile when he thought about his birthday when Soubi gave him the painting. It had been a while since anyone gave him anything on his birthday. He wasn't expecting anything, just a quiet Sunday in his room, alone. The events of the day were far from expected when Soubi made his surprise appearance, knocking on his window. It had been a while since anyone said the words "Happy Birthday" to him, and him alone. And the thing was, the words were spoken by a person that genuinely cared for him.
Sure, the painting meant a lot to him now, but the words spoken to him that day was the biggest gift of all: "Happy Birthday, Ritsuka."
The one thing, that day, was to find out what Soubi's painting meant before the day was over. When Ritsuka thought he finally gave up he asked, "What does it mean, Soubi?"
All Soubi's reply was, "It means what you want it to mean, Ritsuka." That reply upset him and he continued to observe the painting.
"Is it something that I least expect?" Ritsuka asked, quietly. Soubi didn't respnd, but studied Ritsuka's expression quietly.
Ritsuka never did figure out an answer that day, but he continued studying the texture, and color after Soubi left. He finally thought of an answer that fit his pervious questions:
"Love- Something that I least expect; Something that I want the painting to mean; Something that I know it means."
The thought of the answer that finally came up made Ritsuka frown, because he didn't want it to mean love, it just came up that way.
"Ritsuka-kun!" Yuiko yelled. Ritsuka looked up at her questioningly.
"What's wrong?" she asked, quietly. Ritsuka never liked it when Yuiko worried over him like that, and out of no where.
"Why are you asking?" he mumbled, his attention still out the window.
"Because you frowned just now, and I could have sworn you whimpered a minute ago," Yuiko said, looking up thoughtfully.
Ritsuka couldn't help but turn beet red. He knew he frowned, but whimpered? He didn't hear himself whimper, but then again, he was lost in thought.
When Ritsuka thought about it, did Soubi hear him? Ritsuka turned around but Soubi wasn't there. Where was he?
"Where's Soubi," Ritsuka asked, now a little shaken. Did he leave them here?
"Oh, he went to the restroom," Yuiko said, happily, "Were you worried about him?"
"No, I wasn't," Ritsuka said, as-a-matter-of-factly. Yuiko couldn't help but giggle. In truth, Soubi not being there did give him a scare. Ritsuka turned back around to look back out of the window.
How long exactly was this train ride going to be? The thought of sitting in the same spot for more than an hour made Ritsuka upset, but he's sat through worse.
All of a sudden, there was a sudden "SLAM!" of a car door and in their train car and Soubi walked inside. Then he sat down next to Yuiko.
"I'm back. Sorry I took so long," Soubi said, more to Ritsuka than to Yuiko.
Ritsuka didn't respond, and didn't even look at him. Yuiko smiled at Soubi and told him all the things she did when he was gone. Actually, how long did Soubi leave before he noticed? Basing on how many things Yuiko did while Soubi was gone, he must have been away for a along time.
"Wow, Yuiko-chan! You did all of that when I was gone?" Soubi said, obviously pretending to listen to Yuiko. Apparently, she didn't notice.
"Yea, Soubi-san! Isn't that a record for only 5 minutes?" Yuiko asked, giggling.
Wait a minute! 5 minutes? Did Yuiko say 5 minutes? Ritsuka had been sitting there for so long, lost in thought and happened to snap out of it when Soubi just left to go to the restroom. Ritsuka fumed. He had a little more time to be lost in his own world, and Yuiko happened to wake him out of it apparently because she was bored and needed some attention.
"Yea, and Ritsuka was worried about you Soubi," Yuiko continued, eyeing Ritsuka for any sudden mood changes.
"Is that so?" Soubi asked, now interested in what Yuiko said.
"Yup," Yuiko said cheerfully after she saw Ritsuka's face redden, either in anger or embarrassment.
"I did not worry about him," Ritsuka mumbled, attention still towards the window in front of him.
"Oh really?" Yuiko asked.
"Really," Ritsuka assured.
"Should we really believe him, Soubi?" Yuiko asked.
The only thing Soubi did to reply to Yuiko's question was the simple grin he displayed upon his face.
Ritsuka pretended not to notice, whle looking back at the window in front of him.
"Is Ritsuka happy?" Soubi asked him. In part, he wasn't Ritsuka. He was only in Ritsuka's body. His spirits dropped when he thought about it. His mother had said it to him over and over again.
Why do you wear Ritsuka's face,
It is such a disgrace,
Give Ritsuka back to me,
I love him so much, don't you see!
While his mother yelled this to him, she would turn violent, hitting Ritsuka with anything she could lay her fingers on: broken plates, empty bottles, her nails, throwing the table, and many other items. His mother had done this so many times, he ends up believing her.
I'm not the real Ritsuka,
Why do I wear his face?
Why does my mother not like me?
I know: Because I'm a disgrace…
After Seimei died, the attacks have gotten worse, and now he tends to his own wounds.
Nothing belongs to me,
Everything belongs to him,
Why does Yuiko see, and Soubi see
Ritsuka, Aoyagi Ritsuka
That's not me,
Than what am I…?
It took most of Ritsuka's self control not to frown; because he knew Soubi enough to know that he'll be worried about him if he saw his expression.
"Yea, Ritsuka's happy," Ritsuka finally replied, still staring at the window.
"Then way doesn't Ritsuka smile?" Soubi questioned, full attention on Ritsuka.
"Because Ritsuka doesn't feel like smiling," Ritsuka muttered.
"Then that must mean Ritsuka isn't high in moral, now is he?" Soubi harped on.
Yuiko only watched them throw back answers, and questions at each other. It got awfully confusing for her.
Ritsuka knew what Soubi was going to, and what he was trying to get. It was like a game for him, to ask as many questions as he could before Ritsuka ran out of answers.
"So what if he's not high in moral," Ritsuka answered.
"I want to know what's on Ritsuka's mind," Soubi said.
"There is nothing on Ritsuka's mind," Ritsuka almost yelled in annoyance.
"Then why isn't Ritsuka high in his moral," Soubi asked.
"Because…," Ritsuka mumbled before facing the window in front of him with saddened eyes.
As much as Soubi wanted to know what was on Ritsuka's mind, he didn't want to sadden him. He reached his arm out to him, but stopped when he remembered that they were in public on the train. Ritsuka would kill him if he dared to comfort him in public like that. Soubi didn't care but he didn't want to make Ritsuka even angrier, so his hand fell in compliance. He knew that's what Ritsuka would have wanted.
"Is Ritsuka-kun okay?" Yuiko asked Soubi. Soubi nodded, even though he knew Ritsuka wasn't happy at all.
Authors Note: Yay! The story is finally over for now. I think I went to deep into everything but I actually liked the way my story turned out. I love angsty stories, and the way they work on your emotions after you're done reading them, and you just want more so I decided to make one. Loveless is a great story to base everything on, especially that the story is already ansty anyway. I love Ritsuka, and I didn't mean to make him so sad in the story but it goes to show the minds of an abused child's mind. I kinda feel bad for Soubi, because I made Ritsuka so out of reach mentally! Sorry Soubi! . Okay I have some notes for the story incase you wanted to know what some stuff meant. The Japanese have different things to say to preserve the respect towards each character and people.
-kun: You say this ending after a boy's name. You usually say it to a boy who you are really good friends with.
-chan: You say this ending after a girl's name. You usually say it to a girl who you are really good friends with.
-san: This is the ending of either a girl's or boy's name. It's the Japanese way to say Mr. or Ms. or Mrs.
Disclaimer: As much as I love Loveless, It doesn't belong to me. I begged the creator to give it to me, and I even said I would pay them. We gambled for it and I must say I lost…Just kidding!
The End Of part 1